Tough to let it go.

[whichwayisup]

Try actually reading threads before placing your own judgement toward me. I have the right to judge who I choose. Sorry you jump on any BS bandwagon. She made her choice, the choice to remain in a marriage with a man who has had countless LTAs throught their marriage and then made the CHOICE to have children after this fact.

Sorry have little respect for anyone who plays pity party, poor me, victim, who chooses and is willing to be the victim. If I went to a party with a gang of men who chose to rape me, and then decided to continue to go to the same party with the same men only to get raped again and again, I would have to let go of playing the victim. Sorry nothing will change my mind.

And to those who say their marriage is none of my business, he made it my business, it is his marriage and he chose to make it anothers business.

I never asked him to bring his children around me or his wife, those were his decisions.

 

Wow. You're in such a fog it's not funny. Seriously in a year from now come back and read what you've said in your own thread.

 

Okay, well, since you feel his marriage is your business, and he claims she knows, why not CALL her. Set up a time to meet and 'discuss' his marriage and their issues. Tell her your views on it all.

 

One thing, stop blaming him. You could have said .. No. You make it seem like he's forced you, held a gun to your head.

 

Anyway, as harsh as my words and reality check has been here, I DO wish you the best and really hope that you get it together - Do counselling, straighten yourself out, get STRONG so you can END the affair for good.

[MyApology]

I don't get it, why bring up the wife? It's just another put down by you that has nothing to do with what you say you are trying to accomplish. Yet I realize this is hard for you and you don't realize what kind of man you are dealing with here, did you google serial cheater? You need to accept that you can't make him see or understand anything about his marriage, it's his f'd up mess and he likes it that way or else he would stop cheating and get a divorce. The reasons he says he can't are bs when it comes down to it. Can't you see that to have multiple affairs can't fix anything? It just makes it so much worse. MULTIPLE affairs, not just one.

 

Yes, I understand all this. I accept my responsibility and the truth of the matter, I just feel better expressing the truth of the matter to him. I know it likely will not register with him or matter,(has anything mattered to him) but felt better letting him know that I see right through the sham.

 

 

 

Sigh.......again, your focus is on his problems. You don't believe us when we tell you but he knows exactly what he is doing to you and to his wife and he doesn't care enough to not do it. Even though you are close to doing NC, you are still putting the focus on him and his messed up life. As long as you keep trying to figure out why he is doing what he is doing and the dynamic between him and his wife, it will hold you back and you won't learn about yourself and how you allowed yourself to get here. Look in your house, stop looking in his and you will be able to move on and learn and not repeat this experience.

 

I think a short request for NC is all you need to do. Something along the lines of this is not working out for me and it's causing me pain and anguish so please respect my decision and stay away from me. I'd also warn him that if he doesn't respect you, there will be consequences and you need to decide what they are before hand. He already has no respect for you as you've indicated so be prepared.

 

 

Yes, I understand all this. I accept my responsibility and the truth of the matter, I feel better expressing the truth of the matter to him. I know it likely will not register with him or matter,(has anything mattered to him) but felt better letting him know that I see right through the sham.

[MyApology]

Wow. You're in such a fog it's not funny. Seriously in a year from now come back and read what you've said in your own thread.

 

Okay, well, since you feel his marriage is your business, and he claims she knows, why not CALL her. Set up a time to meet and 'discuss' his marriage and their issues. Tell her your views on it all.

 

One thing, stop blaming him. You could have said .. No. You make it seem like he's forced you, held a gun to your head.

 

Anyway, as harsh as my words and reality check has been here, I DO wish you the best and really hope that you get it together - Do counselling, straighten yourself out, get STRONG so you can END the affair for good.

 

I would never call and out someone with intention to hurt either party. Not my thing. I simply wish to end it and him leave me alone. leaving me alone in not contacting or when in contact attempting to place hurt onto me. They have lived in this dysfunction for so long, it seems to be their habit.

Obviously, after all these years she fails to place the blame on her husband and it is these bad other women HE CHASES, and claims THEIR marriage is over, actually used the word YUCK, done, have nothing in common, fights all the time, not on same page, and BOTH are completely through with one another and she is done with the marriage just the same as he. This is deceptive in making the other woman comfortable that while he is separated it is a mutual separation. But the truth is he is married and they are not on the same page, then he starts with the truth of the matter, later once in the relationship.

I am not the party who needs therapy in this situation, I am the only one in the mess with their eyes wide open. I choose happiness andI believe making the right decision.

Edited December 16, 2011 by MyApology

[LadyGrey]

Try actually reading threads before placing your own judgement toward me. I have the right to judge who I choose. Sorry you jump on any BS bandwagon. She made her choice, the choice to remain in a marriage with a man who has had countless LTAs throught their marriage and then made the CHOICE to have children after this fact.

Sorry have little respect for anyone who plays pity party, poor me, victim, who chooses and is willing to be the victim. If I went to a party with a gang of men who chose to rape me, and then decided to continue to go to the same party with the same men only to get raped again and again, I would have to let go of playing the victim. Sorry nothing will change my mind.

And to those who say their marriage is none of my business, he made it my business, it is his marriage and he chose to make it anothers business.

I never asked him to bring his children around me or his wife, those were his decisions.

 

 

Your anger at his wife, is SOOO misplaced. I think you are projecting because you got yourself out of an abusive relationship so you are tough on other women who "you view" as being weak. Seriously, as wwiu said, if you get out of this and you look back at this anger you have toward her you are going to be and regret it. She has done nothing at all to you, right? She doesn't even know you are his ow, right?

 

The irony in your posts is mind boggling! You view his wife as a fat, dowdy, dysfunctional piece of dirt who deserves what she is getting because she doesn't leave, but yet you are in it up to your eyeballs. You need to stop elevating yourself above her. After all, you are the ow and all that comes with that with a serial cheater pos man who uses and hurts women, including yourself.

 

The people you should be angry at are him and yourself. Anger can force you to move forward, can move you to look at things realistically. It's not a bad thing unless you get stuck in it. You really, really need to put that anger where it belongs and it's not on his wife.

[Quiet Storm]

You need help.

 

Instead of thinking about how low the wife's self esteem is and how she has no self respect, look in the mirror.

 

You say you are the one with both eyes open...if that is the case, then why all the internal drama? Why the need to figure him out? Why the need to berate the wife? Why the need to build yourself up with all the ways you're better than her?

 

Someone as emotionally healthy and self aware as you claim to be wouldn't waste ANOTHER THOUGHT on this guy and his marriage.

 

Here you are analyzing him, looking down on the wife, playing games in your letters to him, trying to get him to "see" how dysfunctional he is, writing pages of text...when you got issues, too, girl!

 

You wanted to let him know that you are on to him, lol. You know he doesn't care, but it feels better for you if he knows that you see through his sham. Why do you care what he thinks? Your silence would tell him all he needs to know.

 

Any feedback you give him, even if it is angry or putting him or his wife down, is an ego stroke for him. Think of him like a vampire... he sucks all he can from his wife, but that's not enough. So he feeds on other people. Right now he is sucking away your focus. If you were not sweating him right now, what would your thoughts be? Would you be focusing on your job? Your holiday plans? A fun weekend with friends? A date with an available man? But here you are, wallowing over him.

 

You post like you've got him all figured out, that you aren't falling for his game, that you are the almighty smart one that is choosing happiness over his bull*****, while all along he is monopolizing your thoughts.

 

You are letting him live in your head rent free. Your entire thought process, if it weren't so sad and real, would be laughable.

 

This is my last post to you, because honestly, I don't know what you want from us. We've told you to focus on yourself, I've advised you the best ways to shut him down, I've said how unhealthy it is to focus on him and his wife and marriage. And every post you write is about him, his wife and his marriage. You just don't get it, so I give up!

[MyApology]

Your anger at his wife, is SOOO misplaced. I think you are projecting because you got yourself out of an abusive relationship so you are tough on other women who "you view" as being weak. Seriously, as wwiu said, if you get out of this and you look back at this anger you have toward her you are going to be and regret it. She has done nothing at all to you, right? She doesn't even know you are his ow, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The people you should be angry at are him and yourself. Anger can force you to move forward, can move you to look at things realistically. It's not a bad thing unless you get stuck in it. You really, really need to put that anger where it belongs and it's not on his wife.

 

I have zero anger toward anyone. Anger comes from another entity entirely than which I am feeling. My coming to terms with the situation is more like it. I have the right to express how I feel about the entire situation and ALL those involved. I have expressed my sympathies. I have also expressed my opinions. May not be others, but they are mine.

I enjoyed out time together, and I listened like a therapist to his unhappiness of being married, regardless if true or not, no one knows how he trully feels, if all are lies as some expressed. I refuse to continue to be the one who serves one purpose, enabling him to live his other life because he can leave, in his own words in more ways than one, a bad meal and have dessert.

I never use or used words like fat, in writing my story I detailed the characters to which they are, not as I wish, in order to make others happy. I said she was opposite of what I expected. Everyone has a right to their opinions. I have been nothing but honest and have not been hateful.

Everyone deserves much better than a man such as this, but it is up to that person to leave such a situation, and (I) am.

[MyApology]

You need help.

 

Instead of thinking about how low the wife's self esteem is and how she has no self respect, look in the mirror.

 

You say you are the one with both eyes open...if that is the case, then why all the internal drama? Why the need to figure him out? Why the need to berate the wife? Why the need to build yourself up with all the ways you're better than her?

 

Someone as emotionally healthy and self aware as you claim to be wouldn't waste ANOTHER THOUGHT on this guy and his marriage.

 

Here you are analyzing him, looking down on the wife, playing games in your letters to him, trying to get him to "see" how dysfunctional he is, writing pages of text...when you got issues, too, girl!

 

You wanted to let him know that you are on to him, lol. You know he doesn't care, but it feels better for you if he knows that you see through his sham. Why do you care what he thinks? Your silence would tell him all he needs to know.

 

Any feedback you give him, even if it is angry or putting him or his wife down, is an ego stroke for him. Think of him like a vampire... he sucks all he can from his wife, but that's not enough. So he feeds on other people. Right now he is sucking away your focus. If you were not sweating him right now, what would your thoughts be? Would you be focusing on your job? Your holiday plans? A fun weekend with friends? A date with an available man? But here you are, wallowing over him.

 

You post like you've got him all figured out, that you aren't falling for his game, that you are the almighty smart one that is choosing happiness over his bull*****, while all along he is monopolizing your thoughts.

 

You are letting him live in your head rent free. Your entire thought process, if it weren't so sad and real, would be laughable.

 

This is my last post to you, because honestly, I don't know what you want from us. We've told you to focus on yourself, I've advised you the best ways to shut him down, I've said how unhealthy it is to focus on him and his wife and marriage. And every post you write is about him, his wife and his marriage. You just don't get it, so I give up!

 

I think it is unrealistic to wish someone not to have opinions of all aspects of a situation they find themselves in. This is how I correct problems in my life, I break down all sides, all aspects, solve and come up with the best solution from my findings.

I do not find taking a couple days to make a just and healthy decision is wallowing and not taking action.

I have taken action, and ended it and plan NC.

[MyApology]

You need help.

 

Instead of thinking about how low the wife's self esteem is and how she has no self respect, look in the mirror.

 

You say you are the one with both eyes open...if that is the case, then why all the internal drama? Why the need to figure him out? Why the need to berate the wife? Why the need to build yourself up with all the ways you're better than her?

 

Someone as emotionally healthy and self aware as you claim to be wouldn't waste ANOTHER THOUGHT on this guy and his marriage.

 

Here you are analyzing him, looking down on the wife, playing games in your letters to him, trying to get him to "see" how dysfunctional he is, writing pages of text...when you got issues, too, girl!

 

You wanted to let him know that you are on to him, lol. You know he doesn't care, but it feels better for you if he knows that you see through his sham. Why do you care what he thinks? Your silence would tell him all he needs to know.

 

Any feedback you give him, even if it is angry or putting him or his wife down, is an ego stroke for him. Think of him like a vampire... he sucks all he can from his wife, but that's not enough. So he feeds on other people. Right now he is sucking away your focus. If you were not sweating him right now, what would your thoughts be? Would you be focusing on your job? Your holiday plans? A fun weekend with friends? A date with an available man? But here you are, wallowing over him.

 

You post like you've got him all figured out, that you aren't falling for his game, that you are the almighty smart one that is choosing happiness over his bull*****, while all along he is monopolizing your thoughts.

 

You are letting him live in your head rent free. Your entire thought process, if it weren't so sad and real, would be laughable.

 

This is my last post to you, because honestly, I don't know what you want from us. We've told you to focus on yourself, I've advised you the best ways to shut him down, I've said how unhealthy it is to focus on him and his wife and marriage. And every post you write is about him, his wife and his marriage. You just don't get it, so I give up!

 

I did not play games in my letter. Exuding oneself with confidence is not a game. I had to re read what I did write. I wrote you seem to think you have the best of both worlds, a woman at home who does not have the self confidence to leave a bad situation and another woman, but what you failed to understand is that your other woman does have the self confidence it takes to leave, and expects nothing but the best treatment from a man.

[2sunny]

You - yourself wrote that you are upset because you ALLOWED it.

 

So - stop allowing it = done deal.

 

Act as if he doesn't exist. He will move on to someone new...

 

When he no longer exists - you will be capable of moving forward.

[Gentlegirl]

Try actually reading threads before placing your own judgement toward me. I have the right to judge who I choose. Sorry you jump on any BS bandwagon. She made her choice, the choice to remain in a marriage with a man who has had countless LTAs throught their marriage and then made the CHOICE to have children after this fact.

Sorry have little respect for anyone who plays pity party, poor me, victim, who chooses and is willing to be the victim. If I went to a party with a gang of men who chose to rape me, and then decided to continue to go to the same party with the same men only to get raped again and again, I would have to let go of playing the victim. Sorry nothing will change my mind.

And to those who say their marriage is none of my business, he made it my business, it is his marriage and he chose to make it anothers business.

I never asked him to bring his children around me or his wife, those were his decisions.

 

 

Sorry to sound harsh and this probably will.....

 

You are posting a lot of rubbish. Gang rape? Party? Gang Rape again?????? WTF are you talking about woman?

 

Whatever the MM chose to do, you let him do it and he is still occupying all your thoughts and painting your life with his crap.

 

The question as to why you are not yet in NC begs to be answered? Do it with the dignity that you write about and if he breaks NC make sure you carry out any threats you might have made.

 

If you are serious about getting him out of your life, you have to be proactive and stop running around in circles. That will achieve nothing.

 

All the best,

 

GG

[MyApology]

You - yourself wrote that you are upset because you ALLOWED it.

 

So - stop allowing it = done deal.

 

Act as if he doesn't exist. He will move on to someone new...

 

When he no longer exists - you will be capable of moving forward.

 

 

Very true. This is exactly what I am working on. It is easy to be a cheerleader on the outside looking in and say do this and dont do this. It is much more difficult as many know working through it from the inside. I hope nothing else to find myself in the place you mentioned= Zen. I do not wish for demise of their marriage and in all honesty from my heart, I wish nothing but happiness for them.

I hope he has the same consideration for me, and does not flaunt his sh*t in my face. I have thought it out and if this is to occur, I need to remove myself from the situation, take a few deep breaths, and pratice avoidance and place him in a folder marked, 'he no longer exists.'

Thanks:)

[MyApology]

Sorry to sound harsh and this probably will.....

 

You are posting a lot of rubbish. Gang rape? Party? Gang Rape again?????? WTF are you talking about woman?

 

Whatever the MM chose to do, you let him do it and he is still occupying all your thoughts and painting your life with his crap.

 

The question as to why you are not yet in NC begs to be answered? Do it with the dignity that you write about and if he breaks NC make sure you carry out any threats you might have made.

 

If you are serious about getting him out of your life, you have to be proactive and stop running around in circles. That will achieve nothing.

 

All the best,

 

GG

 

I do not bargain with threats, he is not worth causing and bringing huge drama in my life. I have voiced my wishes and concerns. It would take long term drama and inconsideration on his part to make me bite. I am choosing NC and indifference toward any hurt or acting up he may hurl.

[Gentlegirl]

I am not talking bargaining.... as Quiet Storm said it's like dealing with a toddler. YOu don't negotiate with a two year old and there should be no room for any further negotaions with MM when you go NC.

 

It's a very wise thing to protect yourself . He might ruin your reputation at your work place. That could make your daily life very unpleasant, because as you know people love to gossip and enjoy thinking the worst of others. It would be a good idea to let him know there will be consequences if he breaks NC.....remember the toddler taming???

 

People here have been through similar experiences to yours, one way or another. Most of us would understand how very difficult it is to go NC and stay that way. It means letting go and until you are ready to do that, with your whole being, NC will not work. It's a conscious decision.

 

I don't think anybody here is giving you advice without the intention of supporting you. After all, that's the purpose of the forum.

 

Again, all the best. I am now a week shy or 12 months NC. It has been one of the worst years in my life so far but I just kept on going.

 

GG

[whichwayisup]

Very true. This is exactly what I am working on. It is easy to be a cheerleader on the outside looking in and say do this and dont do this. It is much more difficult as many know working through it from the inside. I hope nothing else to find myself in the place you mentioned= Zen. I do not wish for demise of their marriage and in all honesty from my heart, I wish nothing but happiness for them.

I hope he has the same consideration for me, and does not flaunt his sh*t in my face. I have thought it out and if this is to occur, I need to remove myself from the situation, take a few deep breaths, and pratice avoidance and place him in a folder marked, 'he no longer exists.'

Thanks:)

 

Bolded part. APPLY THAT to your MM and his wife. You sit and judge them, ask and wonder about this and that, how and the why's of it all yet you know how hard it is to walk away. MAGNIFY this 1000 times and apply to their marriage, their life. Family, friends, in laws, extended cousins, the life they have become accustomed to. Not so easy to give up on, right? And you have issues already truly letting go and ending the A, yet you cannot see what's right in front of your nose. Make sense?

 

If you wish them happiness, truly - Then YOU get out and leave him alone. Ask him to respect your wishes, if he cared about you at all, he'll do as you ask. That's a fact.

[MyApology]

Bolded part. APPLY THAT to your MM and his wife. You sit and judge them, ask and wonder about this and that, how and the why's of it all yet you know how hard it is to walk away. MAGNIFY this 1000 times and apply to their marriage, their life. Family, friends, in laws, extended cousins, the life they have become accustomed to. Not so easy to give up on, right? And you have issues already truly letting go and ending the A, yet you cannot see what's right in front of your nose. Make sense?

 

If you wish them happiness, truly - Then YOU get out and leave him alone. Ask him to respect your wishes, if he cared about you at all, he'll do as you ask. That's a fact.

 

That is like comparing cheering a football game to a slaughter fest. But, that is not my concern anymore. I am out and going to leave all of it alone. I am also going to wait on accepting dinner invitations. I want all of this behind me and not have these occasions marked with any touch of a rebound.

[ladydesigner]

That is like comparing cheering a football game to a slaughter fest. But, that is not my concern anymore. I am out and going to leave all of it alone. I am also going to wait on accepting dinner invitations. I want all of this behind me and not have these occasions marked with any touch of a rebound.

 

Wow you have been given some of the best advice I've seen on this board in a while. Re-read that last post from WWIU, it is spot on and you don't see it.

 

An IC would be really helpful in aiding you to get away from this MM IF that is what you truly want. Other option would be to remain a HOW and date around.

[2sunny]

That is like comparing cheering a football game to a slaughter fest. But, that is not my concern anymore. I am out and going to leave all of it alone. I am also going to wait on accepting dinner invitations. I want all of this behind me and not have these occasions marked with any touch of a rebound.

 

There's not one single reason to accept any invites from him. That would only allow him to think you are still participating.

 

What's the point in that?

[2sunny]

If some other woman knew details of my marriage - that would indicate my H is betraying me/our R.

 

IF you stay out of ALL of it - you are choosing not to participate in that betrayal any longer. THAT is what YOU can control. Staying out of ANY of it will allow YOU to gain distance from this MM... That is when you will begin to move forward. That is also what your MM fears... You becoming happy in life without needing him to lean on.

 

No contact - no matter what... Allows you space to be free from his control.

[MyApology]

There's not one single reason to accept any invites from him. That would only allow him to think you are still participating.

 

What's the point in that?

 

Misunderstanding...invites for dinner from single suitors, not MM. I want this behind me completely.

[2sunny]

Misunderstanding...invites for dinner from single suitors, not MM. I want this behind me completely.

 

Ahhhh, ok... Good!

[truthbetold]

I have zero anger toward anyone. Anger comes from another entity entirely than which I am feeling. My coming to terms with the situation is more like it. I have the right to express how I feel about the entire situation and ALL those involved. I have expressed my sympathies. I have also expressed my opinions. May not be others, but they are mine.

I enjoyed out time together, and I listened like a therapist to his unhappiness of being married, regardless if true or not, no one knows how he trully feels, if all are lies as some expressed. I refuse to continue to be the one who serves one purpose, enabling him to live his other life because he can leave, in his own words in more ways than one, a bad meal and have dessert.

I never use or used words like fat, in writing my story I detailed the characters to which they are, not as I wish, in order to make others happy. I said she was opposite of what I expected. Everyone has a right to their opinions. I have been nothing but honest and have not been hateful.

Everyone deserves much better than a man such as this, but it is up to that person to leave such a situation, and (I) am.

 

Just so we're clear, you said in your 1st thread that she was overweight, you then said you were thin, fit and hot. So it's not reasonable to assume that overweight still means fat? Maybe not, maybe she's fluffy!

 

Anyway I just think what those of us are trying to help you see is that it seems you are hiding behind a facade of strength and feeling great about yourself. If you really thought that high about yourself and your appearance you wouldn't need to brag about it, nor tear her down, facts or not. If you are that confident, it won't be so hard to leave him in the dust, and it won't bother you when he does get another OW. It's a bit telling that you don't want him to flaunt any women in your face, think about that, it shouldn't matter what his actions are, your responses are all that matters.

Edited December 16, 2011 by truthbetold

[Lostinlife4now]

Hi Apology!

 

Don't mean to get too personal here BUT: Is he still having sex with his wife? and if so, are you using protection?

 

Please think about things like this.

[MissBee]

You have absolutely NO control over how he reacts if you actually do end it. All you have control over is how YOU react to his (if he chooses to react badly) reaction. You ignore him and make it impossible for him to contact you.

 

Still think you're way too wrapped up in their 'life and dynamic' though sadly, you're in such a fog you can't see this.

 

If you do end it, 6 months from now you'll see what everybody is telling you.

 

My point exactly

 

I concur...

 

I think MyApology is thoroughly foggy and what people are saying can only penetrate to a shallow extent, as her responses to most of what people are saying is very superficial and only addresses insignificant things and not the point of the entire post...everything she thinks she's not doing is what she is actually doing but it's not registering soooo only with time and the clearing of the fog will she understand.

[MyApology]

Just so we're clear, you said in your 1st thread that she was overweight, you then said you were thin, fit and hot. So it's not reasonable to assume that overweight still means fat? Maybe not, maybe she's fluffy!

 

Anyway I just think what those of us are trying to help you see is that it seems you are hiding behind a facade of strength and feeling great about yourself. If you really thought that high about yourself and your appearance you wouldn't need to brag about it, nor tear her down, facts or not. If you are that confident, it won't be so hard to leave him in the dust, and it won't bother you when he does get another OW. It's a bit telling that you don't want him to flaunt any women in your face, think about that, it shouldn't matter what his actions are, your responses are all that matters.

 

I do have confidence. Cannot help what I see. This is the last time I will defend myself, I thought she would look exactly opposite of what she did. Does that matter, no not at all. It just perplexed me that is all. What is wrong with having that opinion? I am sure everyone reading has had a similar reaction or opinion of someone like that regardless who it is.

I have never used offensive words to describe her, such as fat, ugly, or nasty. But I have sure read both sides OW and MW expressing themselves in that manner. And I have not read them getting as much flack as I am. I do not look at people that way. I only speak from my opinion and was being honest in what I wrote.

And again this whole mess began and continued because he presented the situation opposite of which it is. They were both done with the marriage.I did not go into this knowing I was to be the OW.

[ladydesigner]

I do have confidence. Cannot help what I see. This is the last time I will defend myself, I thought she would look exactly opposite of what she did. Does that matter, no not at all. It just perplexed me that is all. What is wrong with having that opinion? I am sure everyone reading has had a similar reaction or opinion of someone like that regardless who it is.

I have never used offensive words to describe her, such as fat, ugly, or nasty. But I have sure read both sides OW and MW expressing themselves in that manner. And I have not read them getting as much flack as I am. I do not look at people that way. I only speak from my opinion and was being honest in what I wrote.

And again this whole mess began and continued because he presented the situation opposite of which it is. They were both done with the marriage.I did not go into this knowing I was to be the OW.

 

Yes but you knew he was married no? If so you did knowingly become the OW regardless of the state their M was in. He wasn't divorced.