emotional baggage

[no name]

i don't know what to do anymore, i am at a loss with myself. i have been in some really bad relationships in the past and i know that people tend to bring that with them from one relationship to another.

 

my b'f drinks sometimes and i freak out, he wants to do something without me and i freak out, he wants me to go somewhere with him and his friends and or family and i freak out.

 

he calls me a control freak and maybe i am, i think i need to control my environment to feel safe, is that wrong? i know that it isn't fair to him, but it is not fair to him either cause i wreck his life so much.

 

i think i should leave him until i get control of my life, i have been trying but to no avail. i think i would be doing him a favor if i left him.

 

also, if i left him, it would help me as well cause i am tired of the control myself, i can feel myself getting out of control with the need to control (does that make sense)? it's like a force from within that gets ahold of me and wont let go until i get my way, talk about spoiled huh?

 

anyway, i would miss him alot if i split up with him, but i think we would both be a lot more relaxed, he don't want to split up tho. he don't drink that much, it's just me and my perception of it. so can i do? i don't know what to do, it scares me at times that i can't stop myself from trying to control him. is there anything a person with my problems can do, short of counseling?

[Tony T]

The person you can't seem to control is yourself, not withstanding the fact that you are totally unable to control others.

 

You may be the same person who made the prior post. She has real issues with control and intimacy. See that post for some of the possible reasons.

 

I think you are better able to work on your situation, if you really want to get better, within the context of a relationship than by yourself. If you have someone to work with you, you can get over this need to control.

 

Briefly, as I went into it in the prior post, control issues usually begin in childhood when we are abused in some fashion and are powerless to do anything about it. As we get older and are able to exercise a little more power, we try to control everything we can. That seems to be what you are doing.

 

Get ahold of youself. I mean, you know what the problem is. If you have absolutely no control over your own desires, your own emotions, your own behavior, how the hell can you expect to control that of others. Get ahold of yourself and give up on others and concentrate on your own behavior and your own crap. Give yourself the attention you deserve.

 

When you start focusing more on your own stuff and a whole lot less on other people's, you will start seeing some big time results. You seem to be really up on your problem...exercise some insight and deal with it.

[no name]

thank you tony, i didn't post on here before and i can't figure out which post you are referring to. as for staying in the relationship to work on my problem that is what i'd like to do, but i also feel so helpless and hopeless to control myself, i know this sounds bad and it is, and i'm not making excuses, i just can't stand controlling him or trying to while i cannot control myself as you said. one time i may be able to do it then it seems to build up and then all hell breaks lose and i resolve not to let anyone make me feel this way or that way.

 

i know i'm probably not making any sense, i am having a bad day. i wanted to take my bf to the game today but he wanted to go with his "friends" and i got all bent out of shape about it and we faught all day about it until he finally gave in to me, but by then i was so worn out that i didn't even want to see him, not to mention ashamed.

 

this is only one stupid little scenario, and i stress stupid, but i just can't let go until i get my way, then i feel the release, but i feel like crap and don't want what i had had a fit about to begin with.

 

please try to understand, i know i have a problem, i'm just tired of exposing everybody to me, does that make sense? my bf is not understanding but tolerable and always right on target, but i tell him all the time, he is wrong cause i can't admit to him that i have a problem, he would not understand or care much. any other ideas?thank you so much!

The person you can't seem to control is yourself, not withstanding the fact that you are totally unable to control others. You may be the same person who made the prior post. She has real issues with control and intimacy. See that post for some of the possible reasons.

 

I think you are better able to work on your situation, if you really want to get better, within the context of a relationship than by yourself. If you have someone to work with you, you can get over this need to control. Briefly, as I went into it in the prior post, control issues usually begin in childhood when we are abused in some fashion and are powerless to do anything about it. As we get older and are able to exercise a little more power, we try to control everything we can. That seems to be what you are doing. Get ahold of youself. I mean, you know what the problem is. If you have absolutely no control over your own desires, your own emotions, your own behavior, how the hell can you expect to control that of others. Get ahold of yourself and give up on others and concentrate on your own behavior and your own crap. Give yourself the attention you deserve. When you start focusing more on your own stuff and a whole lot less on other people's, you will start seeing some big time results. You seem to be really up on your problem...exercise some insight and deal with it.

[Tony T]

You write: "please try to understand, i know i have a problem, i'm just tired of exposing everybody to me, does that make sense?"

 

No, I don't understand...and it doesn't make any sense. I have never heard of someone who thought so little of him/herself that he/she didn't want to interact with other people. Would you not go to the doctor for cancer because you didn't want to expose the physician to your cancer???

 

You need to sit down, calm down, take some deep breaths, relax and get yourself together. The argument you had about your boyfriend going to the game with his friends was nuts. If he wanted to go to the game with his friends, as his girlfriend you should have been very delighted to let him have that luxury. No sweat off your back at all. If you don't have a book to read or other things to do, get on the Internet and learn some things while he is away.

 

You may want to talk to a priest. Since you say you have absolutely no control over your actions, you may be possessed by some sort of spirit. I have heard of that on television. That's the only explanation I can think of here. Otherwise, if you are not possessed by other entities, you could easily control how you think and feel. This is just so abnormal.

 

Again, sit down, calm down, cool off and give yourself some time to think about all this. Whenever you have the urge to get upset, just sit down, calm down and think about how absolutely insane it is to work yourself up into a rage over some stupid thing...how unkind it is to yourself...how unfair it is to yourself and how destructive it is to your life.

 

Perhaps the priest can perform an exorcism on you and relieve the spirits that control your mind. I am very serious. That's the ONLY explanation. I have seen this done on TV with great results. That's about the only solution I can think of in this case, short of a lobotomy. I really want you to get over this...I REALLY REALLY DO!!!

[lisa]

gee thanks tony, that movie still gives me nightmares after seeing it some 25-26 years ago, to this day i wont even tolerate that movie in my home, or on commercials, now you scared me! that movie is evil and to think i could be possessed really makes me scared, i'm serious, i'm too easily influenced maybe. anyway, i wonder about obsessive compulsive disorder or obsessive worry disorder as i don't have any compulsions just obsessives thoughts. do you know of any herbs that help something like that? sorry to keep bothering you. what i meant by not wanting to subject others to me, is that i know how controlling i can be and how it has put distance between my boyfriend and myself and myself and others that until i get some help, maybe i am better off alone, or at least they are better off alone, that is what i meant. i just hate myself when i lose control of myself and can't get control of myself back until i get what i wanted or needed. please don't think i'm nuts or possesed, that spooks me. i raise my daughter, i run my own business and take care of my animals, and am i think a normal person other then this control problem or lack of it. control of others and lack of control of myself. sorry to keep bothering you though...thanks for responding again, i'll try not to bother you anymore again. thank you though

You write: "please try to understand, i know i have a problem, i'm just tired of exposing everybody to me, does that make sense?" No, I don't understand...and it doesn't make any sense. I have never heard of someone who thought so little of him/herself that he/she didn't want to interact with other people. Would you not go to the doctor for cancer because you didn't want to expose the physician to your cancer??? You need to sit down, calm down, take some deep breaths, relax and get yourself together. The argument you had about your boyfriend going to the game with his friends was nuts. If he wanted to go to the game with his friends, as his girlfriend you should have been very delighted to let him have that luxury. No sweat off your back at all. If you don't have a book to read or other things to do, get on the Internet and learn some things while he is away. You may want to talk to a priest. Since you say you have absolutely no control over your actions, you may be possessed by some sort of spirit. I have heard of that on television. That's the only explanation I can think of here. Otherwise, if you are not possessed by other entities, you could easily control how you think and feel. This is just so abnormal. Again, sit down, calm down, cool off and give yourself some time to think about all this. Whenever you have the urge to get upset, just sit down, calm down and think about how absolutely insane it is to work yourself up into a rage over some stupid thing...how unkind it is to yourself...how unfair it is to yourself and how destructive it is to your life. Perhaps the priest can perform an exorcism on you and relieve the spirits that control your mind. I am very serious. That's the ONLY explanation. I have seen this done on TV with great results. That's about the only solution I can think of in this case, short of a lobotomy. I really want you to get over this...I REALLY REALLY DO!!!

[Tony T]

Hello No Name Lisa:

 

Are you the Lisa that posted above about the boyfriend with the drinking problem???

 

There is really not much more I can say in your case. I urge you to take my previous advice and get help from some source.

 

If you feel you need to get away from everybody to get better, do so. I don't think that will help you. You have a very serious problem that will affect you all the days of your only life on this planet. Get a side job, save your money, and see a counsellor if that is the only avenue of getting assitance. I have already given you several other alternatives in my other post.

 

I don't think you have obsessive compulsive disorder but I'm not absolutely sure. I just think you are a victim of many years of crooked thinking. I hope you do not pass this trait down to your daughter.