suckered Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 I have a best friend that is very pretty. She especially has good body and many guys like her. Now, for my story. I am worried that my boyfriend has a secret crush on her. I have nothing concrete to go on, just this intuition. I am not even sure if it's intuition or insecurity. When we first started dating, he was super friendly towards her. He was suggesting that we invite her to go to places with us etc. He kept telling me how great she is. Once he wrote her a text after all 3 of us had dinner together. He wrote how good it was to see her and how he thinks that she is a great person. He showed me the text (he wasn't hiding it). I told him it bothers me and that he shouldn't send my friends texts like that. He apologized, told me that he just wanted to score some brownie points with her because she is my best friend. After I told him that it bothers me, he stopped with compliments and inviting her to places with us etc. Later I saw a picture of his ex that he was with for 5 years and was probably the love of his life. My best friend looks like her twin. The resemblance is uncanny. This made me feel uneasy. We have now been together for over 2 years and are planning ot get married. My best friend lives less than few minutes from us and it's imposibble not to run into her. We also attend parties with her about 1-2 times per month (we are in the same social circle). She is single and often tells me how she envies me and how happy we are. Last time we saw her she looked especially good, wore a very short dress. We were all dancing and mucking around and she asked my bf to dance with her which he did. I cringed but then started dancing with some other guy. He saw me glancing over and quickly stopped and started dancing with me. He would also always defend her to me. If I bitch that she didn't return my text, he would say something like, she had a bad childhood (which I told him about) and to be patient with her. How tough things must have been for her, how she probably never felt loved and so on. I have this really uneasy feeling when they are around each other. I don't know how to handle it. I know that he loves me but I feel that he has this strong attraction towards her. How do I handle this? I may be insecure but I never had this icky feeling around my other female friends and him Link to post Share on other sites
jobaba Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 As someone who has HORRIFIC stories of best friends cheating with boyfriends and girlfriends, I'd say... Attraction happens. It's up to both parties to resist. But, the bulk of the responsibility falls squarely on your best friend. As long as she's a true friend, no bad can come to you. If they hookup, then it's time for you to get a new man and best friend. If he makes advances towards her, or they have a mutual attraction, it's her job to deny him, and tell you that you need a new man. I will admit I am attracted to my best friend's wife, but if I ever hooked up with her or made an advance on her, I'd probably kill myself, he's been such a good friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 He almost certainly does fancy her. Question is, why should that matter? You'll never be the hottest girl on the planet. There *will* be other girls he finds more attractive than you. Likewise there will be guys you find better looking than him. But that doesn't matter. Her's with you so he obviously fancies you too. And so long as he's made it clear he's happy with you and he's not the type to look elsewhere, there isn't a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 Is anyone else turned on?...just listening to you talk about this friend gets me hot and bothered, she sounds really hot, good job! Anyway, fine fine the fact is that you need to separate these two as much as possible. The fact that she is gorgeous and looks like his ex is a horrible potential for problems...even if he really does love you, he can still get caught up in the moment...in nostalgia. Tell your friend your concerns, and If she is a good friend she will ignore your boyfriends advances, or any kind of texts and just be a very short and keep it appropriate. The last thing you want these two doing is talking to each other and getting to know each other even under "friendly terms", in fact that's even worse because they will both be walking into a trap unexpectedly thinking "Oh it's ok, we're just being friends and still respecting the relationship" Then BAM! penis in vagina...as they say...one thing leads to another..well guess what? this is a "thing" His job is to love you and get over this little fantasy and attraction..he's going to be attracted to other women but likely won't be able to get this close. And your friend needs to back off and respect the friendship and the relationship. Then she'll end up with some sucker but be all in love with him and then that should will likely be the end of the little "tension" she has with your bf. I know what it's like to be this guy...and I haaaaate it. I had an ex that had the one of the hottest, sexiest friends I've ever laid eyes on in real life, I tried to hate her but I couldn't, I was clearly smitten...even though I wouldn't trade her for my ex at the time...maybe now yeah In fact I'd at least sleep with her...anyway..I'll stop talking now! :X Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 I got pretty turned on listening to this story too Nija! Wish it included pics haha. Bottom line your bf probably does find your gf hot if she is hot. He shouldn't be sending her txts even if he shows you, or taking her side in arguements I don't care if she lived in a broom closet as a kid. Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 Talk about it with your friend. Maybe emphasize how much she looks like his ex so you are worried about his potential attraction to her. Tell her that while you know she can't help what she looks like or what attraction your bf may have to her, it makes you uncomfortable when they spend time alone together & when she does things like ask him to dance. I'm sure that if she is a good friend she will understand and respect your wishes. Your boyfriend also needs to stop defending her to you. Your example was funny to me -- she can't return a text because she had a bad childhood? lol. Ok then! If you and your bf are planning to get married then you should be able to be honest with him about this. Tell him that something about their interactions makes you uncomfortable in a way that you don't feel when he interacts with your other female friends. It's ok to mention that you feel insecure and that it especially bugs you how much she looks like his ex. If he is worth marrying, he'll reassure you and change his behavior so that you feel better. He should NOT be having one-on-one contact with her, imo. I disagree with jobaba that most of the responsibility to keep things 'clean' between them falls on your friend's shoulders. Your boyfriend is the one who made a commitment to you. It's HIS responsibility to live up to that commitment and to honor you by not doing things with your friends that make you uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 I've been the friend in this situation, and it's awkwardness all around. Definitely not a turn on! A generic attraction can occur even in the best of relationships, especially if it's based on nostalgia, but he should be making every effort not to seek her out and allowing his feelings to dissipate. In his defense, he seems to be trying to do that to some degree, after you discussed it with him. Keep in mind that your friend may have absolutely no clue about what's happening. Some people pick up on it easily, and others are clueless. Is there any problematic history with your boyfriend or that you've had with your friend that might be contributing in setting off your radar? Does he describe his ex as 'the love of his life', or is that just your perception? As Make me believe said, broach the subject with your boyfriend, without being accusatory. Just be honest about how you feel about it. Maybe he can't help the initial attraction, but he can pull back from it and see it for what it is. If he understands and is concerned about how his interactions with your friend are affecting you, he'll do just that. Link to post Share on other sites
bean1 Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 My best friend was exceptionally beautiful ("was" - still my friend but we live on opposite coasts now), a lot more beautiful than me. Honestly, could've been a VS model or something if she wasn't 5'0. And she was a great friend. I never ever in a million years felt that my husband had any attraction (yes he would joke about how she was hot but it really wasn't the same thing). If your gut tells you something's off then it probably is. Link to post Share on other sites
DearAbby Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 Why don't you try to set your friend up with someone else so she is occupied? Just a thought Link to post Share on other sites
jobaba Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 (edited) I disagree with jobaba that most of the responsibility to keep things 'clean' between them falls on your friend's shoulders. Your boyfriend is the one who made a commitment to you. It's HIS responsibility to live up to that commitment and to honor you by not doing things with your friends that make you uncomfortable. Bros before hos every time. Women come and go and their respect and love is NEVER UNCONDITIONAL. You have to be attractive, successful, this and that, that and this and keep it up. Listen to all the laundry list requirements in these forums! Umm, right... I've never met a woman I could trust even half as much as my best bud who I've been good friends with for 15 years. He doesn't care about what I look like. He'll still be my bud. He's almost like a brother to me. His respect for me is unconditional because he knows I'm a good guy that will never touch his wife. True, it's just my life experience, but we all have to go on that... Edited December 15, 2011 by jobaba Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 I don't agree with someone's advice above to talk to your friend about it -- how you think your boyfriend might be attracted to her, so she should be careful. People like feeling attracted to each other. It's a stronger and more seductive feeling than most we experience in life. If that feeling is happening already between these two, you don't need to point it out. And if it hasn't happened, or if they haven't recognized it yet, pointing it out might just seal the deal. This is a tough situation and I understand why you're feeling insecure. I think right now you just need to hang back, keep your jealousy in check, and let the cards fall where they may. If your boyfriend is the one for you, you'll find out that your insecurity was/is silly. Link to post Share on other sites
lululucy Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 Just from your description, I wouldn't assume he has a crush on her. It sounds as if he is attracted to her, sure, but when you told him not to text her, he complied willingly. I think this sounds more of your insecurity which is something you should also be talking to your boyfriend about if you're going to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
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