3 months of NC - Doing good

December 15, 2011

Dated my ex for 2 years, stayed friends for 1 year. I fell in love with her while we were friends. Unfortunately the reasons we broke up continued to both us, and those reasons were deal breakers.

For those who are doing NC, I want to give you my strength and warmth. I only was able to cope for the first 2 months by coming here and reading posts, talking to my sister about it (who I am sure is dead tired of hearing about my sh*t), and working on myself.

When I first went NC, I made a list of stuff I knew, my gut feeling, my soul and heart knew that it had to accept. Anytime I felt down, I reread what I wrote.

"It's okay if I fail, what matters is that I try, and that I will work through the struggle. That is more important than the goals themselves.

Top things to work on: Will become an expert at these things while moving forward.

1) Accept that I am in love with her. Accept the good that she has done for me. Accept the pain I have endured with her. Accept that bad of who she is.

2) Accept that she will not change. She will not love me back. Accept that I will be myself and I will continue changing myself for me and not for anyone else.

3) Do not put a timeline on where my heart should be in a few days, weeks, or months. This is not a race, this will take time. I accept that time it will take. I will accept feelings that I have. I accept that I am in love with my best friend and it hurts.

4) Do not stay in denial. Be true to my feelings where ever and when ever I feel them."

I still love her with my heart, and I still consider her my best friend. This is even though we have talked twice in these 2 months, only for a rather large sum of money she owes me. I have struggled though anger, sadness, depression, guilt, pain, suffering, anxiety, and a host of other feelings. I am not over here and will not be over her for quite awhile. There are 2 huge changes in my feelings towards her that started a couple weeks ago.

First - I have very little desire in contacting her now. The 1st 2 months, I wrote in my journal, talked to my sis, posted here, talked to my friends and parents. I also made a HUGE effort to talk to other girls. I'm really shy so it was/is hard to do, but I did find someone whom I asked out on a date. While its still in the early stages, I want to be able to open up my heart again. I do not want a rebound relationship, I want someone who has similar likes and dislikes, a person I can trust, and will be a great friend.

Second - I truly feel that we are both better off without each other. Before, my mind was the only one that thought so, my heart wanted to be with her. Now, both my head and mind are in agreement. She now lives out of state, as far as I know with her ex fiancee from 8 years ago, in love with him. It still stings to think about that, but I believe she is better off without me and visa versa.

I truly believe going full NC was the right thing to do, even though it was the hardest choice to choose. Every person and every relationship are different.

If you want to do NC, a strong solid base in which you can focus your energy into is prolly the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do.

This means to surround yourself with people, friends, family, books, journals, this forum, physical activities, and anything else you can to keep your mind off her/him. If it gets so strong, have someone there you can text instead. TELL THEM ahead of time that no matter what, they should tell you "No, dont contact them". It does get easier in time, but time itself does not do the job, its both the time and personal effort that makes the biggest difference.

December 15, 2011

that was a really nice post. Thank you!

Im on 3 weeks NC since BU. The first week was horrid...I would cry every single day and night. I had to walk away from my desk and go outside to have a cry cause i just couldnt control myself. Your emotions just go crazy.

I would have stages of heavy guilt, then extreme anger for what happened, then sadness and sometimes appreciation of what i had. Its tough, especially when i had thoughts of him with other people or the thought of him moving on in life without me. I just couldnt fathom it.

Week 2 it came in waves. I would think Im doing ok, but then all of a sudden i would become super upset. It wouldnt be any particular trigger either.

Now on week 3 and 2 nights ago something just hit me and i felt a sense of freedom and happiness. I felt i was starting to find myself again as i tried so hard to make the relationship work, that i was doing all these things and compromising my personal values and who I was. I dont know how to explain it, but i really felt that the true me was slowly resurfacing, and it felt good.

The NC definitely gave me time to look at things objectively. We BU for a reason, we had so many arguments and looking back, i dont want any of that.

The thing i keep reminding myself is that he is not the person i fell in love with. If he was, we I wouldnt be in this situation. As the saying goes, I dont miss him, i miss who i thought he was.

His house is on the way on my drive home and ive done so well by not making that extra turn to drive by his place and reminisce. I think im doing well.

In saying that, im sure the wave of sadness will hit me again sooner or later. Or even worse, if I bump into him, i know i wont be able to hold my emotions or feelings cause i still do love him.

So the best thing really is NC. Cant see you, cant hear you, dont wanna know.

December 15, 2011