Mother alone this Christmas

[Nikki82]

Hi all. My sister and I have cut communication with our mother. You may have read my 2 other threads. For years, my mom has abused prescription drugs. It is part of what finally ended my parent's marriage. 8 years later, she is still angry, negative, turns nice things into bad, lies, and plays victim.

 

Sister and I are both fed up. Tired of being called horrible daughters after trying to help her. Tired of lies told to others about us. Tired of her trying to get my sister and I angry at each other or at our dad. Tired of the stress and feeling in my chest I got when she called 20 times in a row.

 

But she's never far from my thoughts. I'm sad for her. I know I can't fix her, but I'm still sad for her. Why can't she be happy and "normal"?

 

This Christmas, she will most likely be all alone, except for with her dog.

I wish it didn't have to be this way.

 

Any thoughts to help me through my conflicting feelings is much appreciated...

[writergal]

I'm estranged from my brother and am choosing not to spend Christmas Eve at my mother's, so that I can avoid dealing with him and my sister.

 

I know you're going through as my mother is mentally ill, and a widow. If she didn't have her three children she'd be completely alone because she has no friends (no one can stand her, not even my dead father's side of the family).

 

Just leave your mother alone. She sounds like a horrible person. For adult children of alcoholics or drug addicts (abusing prescription drugs is considered a drug addict behavior), adult children of any dysfunctional parent, means that we adult children can suffer with guilt when we assert ourselves. By asserting ourselves with our unhealthy family members, we're setting up health boundaries. Since we're not used to setting up healthy boundaries to protect ourselves, we feel guilty because we're disrupting the comfortable dysfunctional pattern of attachment that we grew up with. Sounds like psychobabble, well, that's what my therapist told me, so it is psychobabble. But it's the truth.

 

Don't let your "survivors guilt" of being a healthy, functioning adult who doesn't want to participate in your family dysfunctional pattern anymore, throw you off for the Christmas holiday. Stick with your plan to leave your mother alone for Christmas Eve. Just tell yourself "it's just one day out of the year." The fact that it is a holiday makes it sentimental of course, which is a hard feeling to combat. But I'm convincing myself that my choice to spend Christmas Eve alone versus my toxic family dynamic (a lot of fake enthusiasm from my brother and his wife who hate me anyway, and criticism from our mentally ill mother) is the right thing to do.

[Nikki82]

WriterGirl - Thanks for your reply and knowing where I come from on this situation. While the comment regarding "psychobabble" made me smile, it completely makes sense. I feel guilty because I'm not used to breaking the cycle and not just trying to make her happy.

 

I read over your thread too and support your decision. I hope things can work out better for you later though...in that other family members can respect your decision. It's not always easy for them to understand though if they aren't getting the heat from a family member.

 

When my mom's bday came last Oct, my sister and I mailed her a card with a gift card inside. We will do the same for Christmas...but that's it.

 

When my mom gets to the point that she needs help or to be sent to assisted living, we will have to come and handle this for her. It won't be pleasant, but I think that's what we will do... just thinking ahead...