Sugarkane Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 But I'm still unsure about it. I'm nit one of these people that jumps from relationship to relationship. Feels kind of meaningless, I don't know how people do it. I often feel like what's the point? I somehow usually end up doing most of the effort, treat them well and never cheat. Yet I get dumped by text and treated like complete dirt. They always have someone else 5 minutes later and young, attractive and never regret losing such a good person. Sometimes I wonder why I do the right thing. So many people on here were treated like dirt or cheated on, yet take back their exes even multiple times. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 If you really feel that way, say it out loud to the therapist and politely decline their suggestion to date. IMO, with a perspective like that, you won't be the dating partner you know you can be. It's one thing to discuss the past here, reflecting upon the lessons which life teaches us, but quite another to feel negatively about dating and relationships in real life and real time in the present. I'd suggest more work and introspection. I'm not hearing acceptance of the past yet. I recall dating for a brief period, back in early 2010, after my exW and I split up, but saw my heart and soul really weren't in it so I left it behind and still don't really have any desire to do that. I accept that. Will those feelings change tomorrow? Next week? Next year? Never? Unknown. I take each day as it comes. Best wishes and happy holidays Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted December 16, 2011 Author Share Posted December 16, 2011 Coz I feel conflicted I know that if I never do something, I'll wake up 30 and realise I'm stil single and have never had any children yet. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 Accept that conflict is part of who you are now. Clarity will come. You want those children to have two positive and healthy role models, yes? It's a process. You'll get there. Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 First I'm not ready to date, I know it, and I don't, even now going on a year split from a year relationship. I've been pushed by a few to move on including my best friend who is psychologist, and acutally I did try, but saw it wasn't working, so I stopped. Second, if you are not even 30, your life is totally at its infancy. Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower11 Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 I went out on a date with someone last night and I had a really good time. I'm not sure what your therapist means by date but maybe she's not talking about a relationship but simply getting yourself out there and going on dates! not necessarily becoming boyfriend-girlfriend but just a nice evening out enjoying yourself with no expectations of starting a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
fiat500 Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 (edited) But I'm still unsure about it. I'm nit one of these people that jumps from relationship to relationship. Feels kind of meaningless, I don't know how people do it. I often feel like what's the point? I somehow usually end up doing most of the effort, treat them well and never cheat. Yet I get dumped by text and treated like complete dirt. They always have someone else 5 minutes later and young, attractive and never regret losing such a good person. Sometimes I wonder why I do the right thing. So many people on here were treated like dirt or cheated on, yet take back their exes even multiple times. Your therapist is not saying to jump from relationship to relationship though. You don't have to date. You're not ready. You're obsessed with wanting vindication and revenge from how your ex left you (I would know, I've been in the same boat) but by wanting that it's preventing you from moving on.. or subconsciously you don't want to move on until you get to see him hurt like you. It's a bad thing to want so the more you want it, the further away it gets. So you fall into this rut of obsessive depression...deluding yourself with the thought that your ex is out having a good time while you're rewarded with misery. So you feel sorry for yourself too. You can't possibly know if your ex at this point in time is having the time of his life right now. You're not there to witness if he is or not. He could be having a miserable f##king week right now due to other things...he could have lost a tooth or got punched in the face or lost one of his balls.. but you won't ever know. So you feed yourself the idea he's having a glamorous life 24/7 that's full of women falling at his feet because he dumped you and the idea of that makes you RIGHT in some way and have some kind of control since he stripped you of CONTROL in the way he dumped you. So it becomes a big circle jerk with your mind keeping you in this rut of depression. another ironic thing is that by obsessing over how your ex could have lost a good person like you over and over no longer makes you a good person but crazy. it's time to tell your obsessive depression to f##k off, truly look at the situation and start reprogramming yourself to say "'okay he dumped me in the worst possible way. f##k him. i'm going to eventually get out of this ****ty situation and get something better." say it to yourself over and over even if you don't believe it Edited December 16, 2011 by fiat500 Link to post Share on other sites
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