My Ex is now FWB with my friend!! Can't come to terms with it :(

[hamster123]

Okay so she isnt technically my ex but she may as well be, here's a bit of the back story.

 

I had been seeing the girl in question for around 6 months, and really thought i was falling for her. When I asked what she thought of becoming more serious, she got very defensive and pretty much explained to me that she's scared of getting into a relationship as she's had a previous bad experience. She told me that she does like me but doesnt like the thought of getting serious and doesn't want a boyfriend at the moment. After this things between us kind of fizzled out as I didnt really know where I stood with her and she didnt seem to know what she wanted. I was pretty down about it but continued life as normal.

 

Then around 3 months after we stopped everything, she started sleeping with one of my friends. I was devastated when I found out. Although it wasnt technically cheating, it sure felt like it. As hurt as I was I bit my lip and never said anything to either of them, regardless of how much it hurt. According to her friends, she doesnt sleep with him for the sex, she does it because she enjoys the attention and intimacy such as cuddles etc, but doesnt want the commitment that goes with it. Anyway they were sleeping with each other on and off for around a year, and then randomly one night, only 6 weeks after she last slept with him, I got a random text off her saying...'Okay Im just gunna go for it...what would you say to me if I asked if you wanted to make another go of things. I wouldnt blame you if you told me to p**s off but i think im ready for a relationship now'. As much as I liked her, there was no way I could be with her knowing she had been with my friend god knows how many times. I explained to her that I did really like her, but I know shes been sleeping with my friend which I really dont like so its a no. She agreed saying Ive probably made a wise decision and that she wouldnt date herself if she was in my situation.

 

After this I felt much better as it seemed to me that she realised she made a mistake and regretted the decisions she made. Anyway around a month after this she started seeing some other guy. I wasnt fussed at all as she was just trying to move on i guess. However after 4 months of seeing him, they split 3 weeks ago, and Ive since found out she is back sleeping with that same friend of mine.

 

Even though I havnt been involved with her for a long time, everytime I find out shes sleeping with him again it hurts inside. I feel like im back to square one all over again. I realise I may be ranting on here lol but I am just looking for some advice on how to deal with this. I feel like im going round in a vicious circle with this and I can never fully detach myself from her.

 

Thanks for reading!

[chelsea2011]

Geez...these two are a couple of jerks for doing that to you. I know it hurts, but in time you will realize that dodged a major bullet. This girl proved she has no scruples by sleeping with your friend when she knows it hurts you. Your friend doesn't either for that matter. No self respecting human being would cross a boundary like that unless they lack integrity and empathy. They are both incredibly selfish. I would tell them both to pound sand and cut them out of your life completely. They aren't worth it and you deserve better.

[2sunny]

Who needs enemies with friends like this?

 

You need to assess why YOU think either one of them is a friend.

 

Critical thinking may help. What does a friend look like? What does a friend act like? MY friends don't betray me. They don't cause ill feelings. They don't do things that make me think less of them. These aren't your friends.

 

My "friends" don't hurt my feelings and act like that is ok.

 

When anyone treats me with that kind of disrespect and disregard I remind them that they aren't my friend and to stay away! You should do that too.

[Ajax]

I would tell them both to pound sand and cut them out of your life completely. They aren't worth it and you deserve better.

 

 

When anyone treats me with that kind of disrespect and disregard I remind them that they aren't my friend and to stay away! You should do that too.

 

Yeah, gotta agree with them. Especially with the girl, it seems like she has serious intimacy and commitment issues, and that relationships don't mean a whole lot to her. I can respect that, to each his own. Who are we to judge? But for those of us who do respect relationships and want a true human connection, people like this can be truly dangerous. It's best to walk away and move forward with your own life.

[smudge21]

I think you need to google the term "friend" as this individual clearly is not a friend. You may consider him one, but he doesn't care one bit about you.

 

I have a "friend" who despite knowing my situation decided to secretly friend my ex. Times like that really show you who your real friends are.

 

I think you need to distance yourself from him for starters. Secondly, you definitely did the right thing by turning her down. So many of us would've taken her back just to have those happy feelings return, thus ignoring our true feelings. Well done for being stronger than a lot of people.

 

With that said, maybe in time things may change but I reckon before then you'll meet someone who you can love, trust and respect. Sadly this girl is not one of those people. It's her loss, and she knows it.

[Standard-Fare]

I don't necessarily think the friend is the bad guy here. He started dating the girl in question after you two had broken up, and it sounds like he got played just as hard as you did. Although he probably should have been more considerate about how the relationship would impact you, it doesn't sound like he was in a "malicious" zone.

 

The girl, on the other hand, has been inconsiderate to everyone throughout the whole mess. In reading about her though I almost feel sorry for her... it does sound like she has some really serious commitment issues. The fact that she reached out to you and wanted to "have a go" shows that something inside wants to stop f*cking around with people and start to get real.

 

Still, you made the right decision to reject that. If you two had tried again it sounds like there would have been a 100 percent chance of her feeling trapped and bailing. It's impressive that you had the dignity and strength to say no, even though still clearly have some feelings for her.

[hamster123]

Thanks for all the input guys, it's really helping me. I think I needed some input from an outside source to truly see the situation for what it's worth.

 

I think your all right about her having some serious issues as well. Thats one thing that always makes me feel better, the fact that no matter how messed up inside I feel right now, she probably feels even more messed up. Weird way of looking at things I know but it helps lol.

[wilsonx]

standard - fare... dont agree with you... its bro code... you don't mess with your friends ex without permission

 

Bro's before hoes...

 

None of my friends would ever touch my ex nor would they have after my relationship was over without talking to me first. Its about respect. No bitch is worth losing respect of a friendship over. There's 3.5 billion women on the planet.

[smudge21]

Brilliant advice there Wilson. I should pass your comments onto my former friend.

 

It doesn't matter how long the break up has been, there is a certain rule that should never be broken. The fact is, if anyone decides to date a friends ex, then they have to accept that the friendship is over. It's just the same if two people fall out, friends of those people generally show loyalties. It's unwritten and never said, but always just presumed. You want to believe you can trust the people you call friends. I know that in regards my situation, even if the contact between my ex and friend is totally innocent, it still doesn't change the fact it's happened and he's tried to hide it.

 

If a friend does this, then what else are they prepared to do. Yes I do agree the girl is at fault too and for that, you need to replace them both with people you can trust and respect, and who can treat you in the same way.