Is it fair for bf to dump me after saying NO to proposal

[PinkInTheLimo]

but yes you two are too young, but to be rejected like that is a devestating blow and it is probably for the best.

 

Well, he had that blow coming!!! Because apparently this young man was only occupied by his own agenda. If he would have paid a bit more attention to his girlfriend and the dynamic of their relationship he would have understood that she was not at that point yet.

 

To me, this early proposal seems more like the act of a possessive man. A guy who wants his woman to follow his scenario. She did not and now she is no longer a human being to him. I understand that she feels hurt by this but guys like that function this way.

 

For us women it is very important to see that a man can react in a sporty way when we say "No." Shows immediately if a man has a good character.

 

BTW, I know this example in real life. Girl 23, boy 26. Together for 6 years (not living together). He proposed, she declines because she feels it is too early, she is still studying. They continue their relationship. Two years later, she's finished her studies, works in her first job, he proposed again. She accepts and one year later they have a great wedding and are genuinely happy.

[PinkInTheLimo]

It doesn't matter what I explained, in that moment all he heard was a rejection.

 

Well, for me the fact that a man only hears the rejection, makes him a bad option for marriage. Because that kind of deafness and stubborness makes a bad partner. Way too much ego that will need to be stroked all the time.

[GoodOnPaper]

For us women it is very important to see that a man can react in a sporty way when we say "No." Shows immediately if a man has a good character.

 

It's one thing if he's asking for a first date but a marriage proposal is an entirely different story. At the OP's age, 10 months is probably a little too soon to be popping the question, but nevertheless, he has just as much of a right to walk away as she does to say "no". In addition to being incredibly hurt, he probably figures that if he stays, she'd probably have one foot out the door looking for someone else anyway. Regardless of age, a declined marriage proposal after 6 years together would be a blow I could never recover from. It sounds like to me that that guy doesn't have much of a backbone -- I'm very surprised that she stayed with him.

[MikeT4]

It's one thing if he's asking for a first date but a marriage proposal is an entirely different story. At the OP's age, 10 months is probably a little too soon to be popping the question, but nevertheless, he has just as much of a right to walk away as she does to say "no". In addition to being incredibly hurt, he probably figures that if he stays, she'd probably have one foot out the door looking for someone else anyway. Regardless of age, a declined marriage proposal after 6 years together would be a blow I could never recover from. It sounds like to me that that guy doesn't have much of a backbone -- I'm very surprised that she stayed with him.

 

I agree completely. I always took the "no" to be no. If a girl ever said no to me I moved on. No contact is the best way to move on. Life is too short to be waiting for someone to come around to where you are. There were plenty of women out there who wanted what I wanted and I searched them out instead of waiting for one who had another agenda.

[Lauriebell82]

I forgot to add that I did finally got a reply back from him on my email. On it he said how we can't be friends at all and it would be best if I don't contact him anymore. Towards the end he said I'm sorry but I don't want to be your friend, I'll never see you that way. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, don't you realized what that meant to me? Please don't call me nor reply to this message or I'll end up blocking you.

 

I would agree with the other posters who said it's best if you just move on. You aren't feeling the same hurt and rejection he is, so it's understandable that it would be easier for you to be friends with him then for him to be with you. You may be pushing the friends thing so much to resolve some of your own guilt for hurting him so much.

 

My best friend's sister got engaged at age 21, she said "yes" to the proposal even though she wasn't ready. 5 months down the road a fight spiraled out of control and she admitted that she is not ready to get married yet and broke off the engagement. They never recovered from the whole thing. Fast forward 3 years, she is now happily married to a great guy because she was READY.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Regardless of age, a declined marriage proposal after 6 years together would be a blow I could never recover from. It sounds like to me that that guy doesn't have much of a backbone -- I'm very surprised that she stayed with him.

 

This says a lot about you and nothing about the people in question. The guy knew that her refusal did not mean she did not love him. He was mature enough not to perceive it as a blow to his ego.

 

I am pretty sure that they will stay married till the end of their lives, they are serious people who take their marriage commitment serious.

[PinkInTheLimo]

There were plenty of women out there who wanted what I wanted and I searched them out instead of waiting for one who had another agenda.

 

Well if that is your mentality don't be surprised you got more than a few "no"s from women. A "no" to a marriage proposal is not necessary a "no" to a relationship with you.

If your mentality is one of "it's my way or the highway" then the women with a backbone will not feel very attracted to you.

[Shaina2]

The best thing for him to recover from his obvious hurt is to move on. It's hard to move on when you have continuing contact. It's that simple. He respected your "no," you should respect his wishes.

That's what I'm doing now. If he wants to go completely NC with me then I can't do nothing. It's still the saddest break-up ever. It hurts the way he walked out of my life suddenly, something I did not expect at all. Everything was great and this had to happened.

 

At first I really thought he would understand I'm not ready for this and it would be alright again (back to the way it was before the proposal), that he would come around and recover.

Edited December 20, 2011 by Shaina2

[Shaina2]

Findingnemo sorry to hear that you went through this too. The problem is this should really be discussed rather than a ''sudden surprise''.

You need to think about this seriously. Do you love this man? If you do, then you must accept his proposal in principle agreeing to be engaged for say 3 years while you sort whatever it is you need to sort out.

If I had done that, it would be misleading and lying to the both of us. I don't know if marriage would even be on my agenda in 3 years. He really took me by surprise, didn't realized that was how he felt.

If on the other hand you really think you should marry at 30, then let it go. Don't ask to be his friend. He wants all or nothing and really what matters to him is that you see him as your husband now if only by engagement. The minute you say no to someone, the reasons just don't matter. It's a NO.

Yes nothing matter to him anymore even thought I politely declined it. I think that by age 30, I would have different expectations, goals and ambitions.

Funny enough, if you say YES but.... The other person then feels they made the right decision to propose but that you both need to be practical. All they hear is the YES. I wish I knew that then.

And when it was a no, his expression became empty. When he called me to meet me up, it was the happiest tone of voice I heard. I was thinking maybe he got promoted at his work or they gave him another day off. Little did I know it was to propose. Though I feel there is nothing wrong in what I did, I feel kind of responsible.

Take your time (not too much) and decide what you want. I doubt that you want to be just friends. If you want him, then you must find him and tell him that. The dates and other details will be discussed later.

Nope he made it clear that he doesn't want me contacting him. It's really over.

[MikeT4]

Well if that is your mentality don't be surprised you got more than a few "no"s from women. A "no" to a marriage proposal is not necessary a "no" to a relationship with you.

If your mentality is one of "it's my way or the highway" then the women with a backbone will not feel very attracted to you.

 

 

All I'm saying is that if put yourself out there and ask a woman for a date, to date exclusively, to get engaged or some other major advancement in a relationship and she says no, it would be hard for many guys, including me, to hang around. There would be some humiliation and also potential to waste her time and yours. Life is short.

 

If she said ask me again when I graduate, achieve this goal or that because I need to do that first, maybe I'd stay around. But, I'd feel pretty stupid for not knowing that already and question how much I knew about her.

 

As for getting a lot of no's, I didn't. I only ever asked one woman to marry me and she said yes. And before that we only had one short conversation about where we saw ourselves in five years. We both said married with kids. I asked her shortly after that.

 

Sorry for the little hijack, but, I sounds like pink is saying a guy should keep taking no's to build his character and only end the relationship when the woman is done with him. Sorry, there are two sides to a relationship and men do have feelings.

 

And lastly, you shouldn't feel bad about saying no. Wow, I mean, its your life. If you aren't ready to get married you have to say no.

Edited December 20, 2011 by MikeT4

[WHOLESALEPACK]

I sounds like pink is saying a guy should keep taking no's to build his character and only end the relationship when the woman is done with him. Sorry, there are two sides to a relationship and men do have feelings.

Exactly so basically if a woman gets string along for years and guy doesn't propose, the man is the horrible person in the story? Wouldn't all the women and some men too be advising her to leave him ASAP and not waste her youth?

 

However, when it's the man who is ready (like the OP's ex bf was) but not the girl he is still expected to be patient, wait until he gets dumped eventually and consider her feelings?

 

There is such a thing called feelings/emotions which we have too. Why are we always the bad guy in the story? If we break up with a girl, then we're called jerks. If she breaks up or declines a proposal, then it's ok.

 

I'm getting the feeling that some women think we're some kind of robots? We still get hurt the same way a heart-broken women would, just don't often show it but it's there on the inside. Frankly, I also wouldn't recover from a declined proposal. I would obviously try to be strong but when the girl isn't looking and I'm alone, think I would end up crying too.

Edited December 20, 2011 by WHOLESALEPACK

[oldshirt]

Not only did you not do anything wrong, you did what was the proper and responsible thing. If you are not ready to accept a proposal for marriage regardless of the reasons or the circumstances it is your obligation to decline it.

 

Part of me does agree with you that his proposal was premature, especially since you had not discussed any kind of marriage or long term committments or anything prior. I do think he jumped the gun a little.

 

But another part of me supports him in moving on too. He swung for the fence and missed. He probably realised that you weren't as invested in the relationship as he was and he figured it would be best to cut his losses and move on rather than stay and hope that at some point you come around. I can't say that I blame him really.

 

If he is marriage-minded and looking for someone to be as invested into a forward-moving relationship as he is, you are not that person. If he had been the one to write to us and say that his proposal was rejected, most people here would probably have advised him to cut his losses and move on.

 

He may lick his wounds for a while and realize he may have jumped the gun a little bit and change his mind on the NC and such. but he may not, either way is his perogative.

 

You did the right thing. You had an obligation to term down a proposal if you weren't ready for that level of commitment. You left the door open for a continued relationship and he has chosen to move on here.

 

I think he jumped the gun a little bit but no see no real foul on either of your parts. You have both made informed, conscious decisions based on what you think the best for you. Those decisions were painfull and had painfull results but they were the best decisions for your overall welfair and welbeing.

 

Welcome to adulthood.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Is it fair for bf to dump me after saying NO to proposal

 

 

 

I can't figure out what question you reeeeeeeeeeeally wanted to ask.

 

The answer to the one above is indisputably "yes".

 

 

Needless to say, a guy has every right to be as "marriage minded" as a woman is, and women often react that way when they finally convince themselves that their guy won't marry them.

 

Although the method he used was something that doesn't dawn on too many women (just came right out and asked), he knew the luxury of a clear response, and didn't need to waste anymore time imagining that you might be interested in that.

 

On the bright side, 22/23 usually IS too young (to know yourselves well enough to know enough about what you want and need in a life partner), so you were sensible too.

 

But of course it was "fair".

[PinkInTheLimo]

If he is marriage-minded and looking for someone to be as invested into a forward-moving relationship as he is, you are not that person.

 

This is total BS!!! Nothing says that Shaina2 was not as invested in the relationship as he was. But when you are early 20-ies and you are dating for 10 months, you are just getting to know each other. It is way too early to get married.

 

No, the guy is insecure and just wants to "have" a wife. And he was not invested in the relationship at all because as soon as Shaina does not do what he wants her to do, he dumps her like she is no longer a human being.

 

I would not be surprised that he'll be married very soon to another girl. Which would show that just any girl would do for him.

 

I understand Shaina2's hurt and her hurt shows that she was really invested in this relationship. But I honestly think that it's better that he is no longer in her life because this guy did like the idea of a relationship but did not really love her.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

This is total BS!!! Nothing says that Shaina2 was not as invested in the relationship as he was.

 

 

Sorry, you're simply wrong.

 

 

Did you somehow miss the part about "marriage-minded" when you called the B.S. ???

 

Whether she was equally "invested in" the relationship remains relatively insignificant and unimportant to the equation at hand.

 

It is perfectly fair for Shaina not to be marriage-minded right now, but it is indisputably fair that her now-ex (???) necessitates someone who is marriage minded (for whatever his reasons).

[oldshirt]

This is total BS!!! Nothing says that Shaina2 was not as invested in the relationship as he was.

 

 

 

And he was not invested in the relationship at all because as soon as Shaina does not do what he wants her to do, he dumps her like she is no longer a human being.

 

 

 

 

I would not be surprised that he'll be married very soon to another girl. Which would show that just any girl would do for him.

 

 

I understand Shaina2's hurt and her hurt shows that she was really invested in this relationship.

 

But I honestly think that it's better that he is no longer in her life because this guy did like the idea of a relationship but did not really love her.

 

He wanted to get married and she didn't = she was not as invested in the relationship and as invested in their future together as he was.

 

That doesn't mean she didn't like and doesn't mean she didn't enjoy his company - but it's obvious he was taking things a lot more seriously than she was.

 

I don't see him moving on as evidense that he wasn't invested in her and he did not dump her like she wasn't human....I don't even know where you are getting that. I see it as he was wanting the relationship to become something more serious and committed and permanent and when she didn't he realized she wasn't wanting the relationship to go where he was wanting to go and so he cut his losses and moved on.

 

Isn't this what Oprah and every mother and grandmother on the planet tells their daughter/granddaughters to do when they are marriage-minded and the men they are dating/banging aren't???? Why aren't men allowed to disengage when they realise the relationship isn't going where they want to be some day???

 

Even though we are only hearing her side of the story, there is absolutely nothing that indicates he was not in love with her and that he is not heartbroke over this.

 

If I had to lay down odds, I would bet they will resume dating to one degree or another before too long but I don't see him moving on as an unreasonable thing.

 

Like I said in my first post, I do think he jumped the gun a little and maybe moved a little too quick and didn't have his ducks in a row but if you are wanting to marry someone and that person doesn't want to marry you, I think the sensible thing to do is to move on and find someone that DOES want to marry you.

 

So in that sense I guess I agree with you that it probably won't be too terribly long before he does find someone. I hope he does and I hope he and the OP and everyone else lives long, fruitfull happy lives.

[seibert253]

Another hijacked thread.

OP gives their story, asks for advice, then those with differing opinions argue back and forth.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Another hijacked thread.

OP gives their story, asks for advice, then those with differing opinions argue back and forth.

 

 

What are you talking about??

 

The original post was a non-question:

 

""Is it fair for bf to dump me after saying NO to proposal""

 

 

Everyone here, including the OP, knew the answer to that seeming question before it was asked.

 

Now exactly where in that original post did she "ask for advice"??

 

You really should read these threads before bothering to respond to them.

[Shaina2]

as soon as Shaina does not do what he wants her to do, he dumps her like she is no longer a human being.

I thought of that too but now I understand him. If I were in his shoes, I think I would walked away too.

This may sould a bit selfish but I really thought I would at least get a ''Merry Christmas'' message or call from him. None

[Shaina2]

He wanted to get married and she didn't = she was not as invested in the relationship and as invested in their future together as he was.

 

That doesn't mean she didn't like and doesn't mean she didn't enjoy his company - but it's obvious he was taking things a lot more seriously than she was.

Way too serious and he had the date set up for May 2012 (if I had accepted it). When I tried telling him how young we both are and it's too early, he replied he felt ready and how age doesn't matter.

Him: What difference would it make if I were 30? If I had met you at that age, I would have still felt the same. I know people in their 40's that never want to get marry and keep saying it's too early. It's never too early or late, it's what you feel in the inside.

Isn't this what Oprah and every mother and grandmother on the planet tells their daughter/granddaughters to do when they are marriage-minded and the men they are dating/banging aren't???? Why aren't men allowed to disengage when they realise the relationship isn't going where they want to be some day???

Yes this did happened to my cousin's best friend. She dumped him after spending 5 years with him. I have to say you're right. A man does have the rights to find his happiness and if that means getting married while still in his 20's (though I still think it's early for anyone), if that is what makes him happy then he can freely find a marriage-minded woman.

If I had to lay down odds, I would bet they will resume dating to one degree or another before too long but I don't see him moving on as an unreasonable thing.

I think not. He didn't contacted me for Christmas and don't think he will for New Year either. Edited December 25, 2011 by Shaina2

[linwood]

However, when it's the man who is ready (like the OP's ex bf was) but not the girl he is still expected to be patient, wait until he gets dumped eventually and consider her feelings?

 

I know.

 

It`s funny how the hypocrisy is written all over this thread.

 

lol

[Kamila]

Shaina, your story reminds me of my break-up 1.5 years ago.

 

The big difference was that I broke up with my boyfriend because he didn't want a more serious commitment. I didn't ask him to marry me, but the gesture in itself felt like marriage.

 

When he rejected me, I felt my world crumbling down. I thought he also wanted a deeper and more meaningful commitment. We talked a lot about commitment it in the beginning of our relationship, but as things started to evolve, he became hesitant. I even wanted to leave him after our 1-year mark, but he didn't let me go. So I gave him another chance. But to no avail, he wanted more to exit our relationship. The big problem here was that we were emotionally attached. How do you let go of someone you love dearly that isn't a good match for you ?

 

In your case though, since you're young, he should have maybe tried to talk to you about this huge commitment. But then again, if you're really in love, you wouldn't say no to a proposal. It's a tricky situation. Do you stay and wait for when your partner is ready, or do you leave and start over with someone else ? For the person left behind it's also not easy. What if I had said yes at that time ? What would our lives looked like ? If your ex tries to engage in some contact, try to be honest with him and how you feel about him. Speak from your heart.

 

Maybe that will make him reconsider and he'll wait for you. Who knows. It would be a shame to let a love go to waste. Mine went straight to the bin, and it's such a shame.

[zengirl]

This is why I don't like proposals. I don't think this sort of decision should be "sprung" on anyone. I once had a man propose that I really didn't feel I should say yes to, but I did, though I didn't marry him. I didn't say no because I still wanted to be with him, and I honestly didn't know whether the answer was yes or no. But in the end, I did, and it was worse for the whole experience. Whereas the new hubbie and I talked about marriage almost since our relationship was official, so by the time he "proposed" it was more, "Let's do this thing we wanna do soon!" than "Here's a huge step we've never even discussed!"

 

So, I think the nature of most proposals in general are unfair to everyone. Men have to plan these grand gestures, and women have to either prod men into proposing or be blindsided. No good. But, either way, besides the blindsiding and surprise, I think you're missing the crux of the problem, OP:

 

You don't know what you want, in general, or even if you'll figure it out in three years, you've said! Three years! And he does know what he wants. Thus: you don't want the same things. If the guy I didn't marry asked me to marry him later, it would've still been the same thing, because I didn't want to marry HIM. At the time, I thought: I'm not done, I'm too young, I've got things I want to do! And, you see, I did---all those things were true---but all those things CHANGED me into someone I wasn't within the context of our relationship, and thus: he wasn't the guy for me, and I wasn't the girl for him.

 

The best thing for your now exBF is to go find the girl for him. He thinks he's ready for her. He thought you WERE her. You weren't. So, now he has to heal from that and start over. And you do, too. But, yes, of course, it's fair to leave a relationship when it doesn't mesh with your desires, when it isn't just right, when the other person doesn't want the same fundamental things as you and isn't as sure about it as you are. I would think it'd be different if you were saying, "Well, yes, I want to marry him, but just not yet." That's a totally different answer, but that wasn't your answer. Your answer was, "Not yet, and maybe someday but maybe never." Very different. Why should he wait around for maybe?

[Sparty97]

I think what's really lost in all of this is what the OP really wants...friendship. She isn't mourning the loss of his love, but rather his friendship. To me that says everything we need to know.

 

Why on earth would a man want a "friendship" with a woman he has had a (presumably) sexual relationship with?

 

To me it seems you couldn't care less that he is no longer your lover, but are more upset that he isn't your friend. I know others will disagree, but I operate under the theory that men and women can't really be friends, especially if sex has been involved. I have many female acquaintances but no real "friends"...I can go out and have a drink with a friend or go to a movie or a ballgame without my wife freaking out...

 

OP please imagine 10yrs down the road, he's married to another woman. Do you think she would be cool with him being friends with a woman he proposed marriage to? Heck, maybe you could be in the wedding party...yes, you are both probably too young to get married, but he isn't the only one that is immature.

[setsenia]

I don't necessarily think that's too young, age doesn't always matter. Everyone is different. I personally got married at 19, have been with my husband with nearly 6 years and haven't once regretted my marriage. One of my friends, who is the same age, got married at 22. It shocks people that I don't have any kids, I just felt mature enough to get married at a young age. Meanwhile, all these people I know got pregnant at 18 and 19. Nothing will tie you down more to responsibility than having a child. At least if you get married and don't have kids yet, you can get divorced and return that other person to sender and never have to see them again. Can't do that with a baby AND having a child with that person basically means you have to see and deal with them the rest of your life for the sake of the child. If you feel you aren't ready for marriage, there is nothing wrong with that. If your boyfriend couldn't understand that, maybe it was best to break it off. Now you know his true colors, be glad you didn't accept his proposal. Someone better is out there for you!

Edited December 29, 2011 by setsenia