At a crossroad with teenage boyfriend of 2 1/2 years--opinions?

[MollyBloom]

Hello,

 

Thanks for reading. I know that my post is long, but it's (hopefully) equally interesting.

 

I am 17 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We met on a cruise, and we have an international long-distance relationship (I am American, he is Welsh). Since our initial week together, we have been able to "meet up" for 1-2 week periods three times, and I will see him for two weeks in July. I've been to his home, I get along famously with his family, and they love me too. My boyfriend and I talk several times a week on the telephone or through AIM.

 

I really don't know where to go from here. I love my boyfriend, but I have heard so much about people in comitted relationships at this age "missing out", and this has frightened me. I don't know if it would be fair to him (or appropriate) to take a break in our "perfect" relationship for the sake of exploration. I had several flings before I met him, but I was young 13-15, so I do not know the extent to which they count. I am my boyfriend's first girlfriend, first kiss, etc. When I bring up the possibility of him dating someone else to be sure than I am "the one", he adamantly protests the idea. We have both invested a lot in our relationship, and the subject of marriage has even come up a few times.

 

My boyfriend has spoke of coming to college next year in the States, so there is a possibility that we will have an extended time together in the near future. I have not told him this because I consider it an ultimatum, but if he doesn't come to school here, I do not see how our relationship can continue. We have both sacrificed too much to be put through several more years of this.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. Please understand that, although we are young, my boyfriend and I have deep emotional bonds. We've been through a lot. With that said, I am going to college this fall (one year before him), and I know that temptation will be everywhere. Early on in my relationship with my boyfriend, I cheated by kissing another guy, and I realized that I would never take that route again. I consider myself a cute girl, and I know that I will want to flirt and have fun. I find myself writing emotional, love-filled letters to him, but then I'll daydream about how much fun it would be to hit the dating scene with a few South Carolina boys.

 

What are your opinions of my situation? Any advice, reccomendations or even points to ponder will be SO greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks so much,

 

 

MollyBloom

[UCFKevin]

Going on a break and testing the waters is a bad, stupid idea and it will hurt him and potentially you, but definitely him. Don't do it.

 

I say just break up completely. You're going to college. Don't be held down and held back when you could get there and think, "s***, I really want to go out with this guy, but I can't."

 

College years are the experimental years, to find out who you REALLY are and what you REALLY want. High school doesn't mean d!ck.

[MollyBloom]

How would leaving the possibility of a future relationship open hurt him more than a clean break? Kind of like, "We know each other is out there...let's see what else there is."

[mintjulep]

There is a difference between going on a break and "seeing what else is out there" or "leaving the possibility of a future relationship open". One is very painful and makes one person left feeling undesirable and the other is straightforward, honest, and pure (if-and only if-done correctly).

 

When my (now ex-)boyfriend went to college, we both decided to continue seeing each other and talking on the phone, but because our only form of communication was AIM (this was in the days before unlimited cell phone minutes ) we decided that it was best for us to stay together yet "keep our options open." We accomplished this by being completely honest with each other and having the option of casually seeing other people while we maintained the lines of communication ourselves.

 

This helped for two reasons: First, I was able to do all of the things my friends were doing, like go to homecoming with a date and go out to the movies on group dates. Second, it made it easier for me to get to know guys as just friends before jumping into a relationship with them. (I'm sure he'd tell a similar tale at college - he could have girls in his dorm room and such and such. Things I would not condone as a steady girlfriend)

 

I ended up meeting a great guy this way who wanted more than a friendship, and things did not work out with the college guy in the end, anyway. Since I was honest and up-front with both of them, it ended up working out for the best, with the breakup being amicable enough (considering the circumstances - we were both obviously sad to break up), and the friendship with the second guy leading to a wonderful year and a half relationship.

 

The only reason I share my story is because it obviously worked for me, to an extent. However, it only worked because we talked to each other a lot and were completely honest with each other and we both wanted the same thing. I could get back together with him now if I wanted to - because we ended on friendly enough terms (that is, of course assuming we were both single which neither of us is, lol). We still talk sometimes, and maintain something like a friendship (now that my relationship with my boyfriend is leading somewhere near a certain ring, I think it's time to sever all ties with ex-boyfriends since none are very close friends.) - anyway, before the tangent, my point was that if you're totally honest and sweet about it, there's no reason why a relationship can't have future potential.

 

JUST don't say that to him. He'll hear "I want to see other people, but don't you do that just yet. I want to keep you on hold for a while."

He's not a department store dress that you can put on hold. He's going to have to be able to see other people, too - for the very mature and honest reasons you want to see other people yourself

[MollyBloom]

Mint Julep:

 

Thank you for your sensitive and thoughtful response. You have helped move than you can imagine. You managed to put what I want kindly and eloquently.

 

It's a tricky spot for me because I think that "keeping our options open", as you put it, really would be best for both of us, even though it might take some convincing with my boyfriend. I do believe that it would be silly, irrational and hurtful to cut off things altogether "without reason". I've met internationally long-distance couples who toughed it out and are now happily married. But with that said, if we ever do make a huge commitment, I do not want that happiness to be polluted with doubt.

 

Amazingly enough, I've thought about him going out on dates with other girls, and I have prepared myself for it. That, to me, is much better than getting married and having him realize 15 years down the road, "@#%$! I've never even DATED another woman!". My idea is that, if we are truly meant to be together, we can spend some time "living a little" and then if we come back together we can say, "Yes, we know that this is it." By then we will be older, more mature, and in better positions to make life decisions.

 

I'm going to save your post to my computer and refer to it when I speak to him about this. Thank you!

 

MollyBloom

[MollyBloom]

Here's a little update of my situation. Perhaps it will help someone else. Thank you, everyone.

 

I spoke with my boyfriend yesterday and we dicussed what to do. I explained to him that this really was the time to do this, especially considering how our relationship will influence his college plans. Also, there is definitely idealization in many long-distance relationships. We start daydreaming and piece together the perfect partner. Meanwhile, he/she is not around for us to prove our idealizations wrong. I want to be very careful about this. I've often wondered if the person who I'm dating in my head actually exists. Gwen Stefani said that after she married Gavin and they had lived together, there was a big sigh of relief, "Whew! We actually like each other!"

 

My boyfriend's response to my proposition, once we were able to talk it over, was positive. Initially he freaked out. He was shocked that I would think of such an idea. He said that he had never considered dating another girl, and for me to date other guys, well, it "made him sick to think about it". Eep!

 

Then my boyfriend admitted that my reasoning was "really truly right" for the long term. I explained to him that yes, I would definitely feel jealous if he told me that he had kissed another girl (or 2 or 3), but that is only from my perspective now. If we decided to commit five years down the road, I would be thinking about where we'd honeymoon, not about a few teenage flings that he had. And if we made that move, I would be much happier with no doubts, knowing what else was out there.

 

Here's a bizarre, fate-related story for you all. Last fall, this all would have been a moot question. I was accepted early decision to Bryn Mawr College, an all girls school.

I came down with Mono in the second week of college, and went to their health center one night for treatment. The night nurse admitted me, saw that I was very emotional and upset (I didn't know what was wrong with me at that point), had a counselor call me (who determined that I was upset--smart bunch, eh?), and then set up an appt. with the school psychiatrist.

 

Instead of being seen by a normal doctor and having bloodwork done, I saw a shrink who said I had anxiety and put me on 6 different psychiatric medications for an illness that I did now have. By the time that it dawned on someone that I was physically sick, I had also contracted a bacterial infection and I was so run down that I had to take a one year medical leave of absense. Well, while I've been at home recovering, the money-hungry-elitist-bastard administration of BMC has failed to acknowledge that they might have one something wrong. They hired a patronizing lawyer who learned to talk southern in a pansy-yankee finishing school who calls us regularly for our monthy dose of bull****. It is because of this that I am transferring to a co-ed school, and my interest in causally dating has piqued.

 

*whew* You must feel like you know me...I'm honored that you read this far

 

Once again, thank you so much for your help and new perspectives.

[corrinebean]

Whew...what a bunch of ridiculousness (the school situation, that is)!!!

 

I don't have much experience in your type of a situation, but I just wanted to say that I found your posts very, very mature and thoughtful, especially for your age, and I think you're making the right decisions. My first boyfriend (we met online..sheesh) lived about 45 minutes away from me. We were both 16, we were both each other's first, and both thought that we were going to be married and live together forever...it ended a year later when I realized that (1) long distance wasn't working (that's not to say it never does..one of my best friends has been dating a guy from Germany for close to 5 years now, and she lives in California...I don't know how she does it, but she amazes me!), and (2) I was 17 and wanted to date and have fun, and not be tied down in a "committed" relationship!

 

I wish you the best of luck, have a great, wonderful fun time at your coed-college..whoever said high school is the best four years of your life lied (I personally HATED high school)...college is definitely the best!! (Such a wider range of guys to choose from!!)