Author Phillyg123 Posted December 29, 2011 Author Share Posted December 29, 2011 I refuse to talk to her as I still have strong feelings for her and whether or not she still does for me I just couldnt be with her again even though it is the only thing I want. What could I possibly gain from texting her back? We could be friends?? Obviously I am not ready to be freinds with this girl and see her dating other guys or know anything about her life. Maybe she wants to get back together?? What kind of person would I be if I take back my ec girlfriend after she sleeps with another man and I find them in bed together? Im damned if I do and Im damned if I don't. All Im looking for is some support to stay in NC with her through this difficult time. Link to post Share on other sites
clementyne Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 NC certainly has a purpose but it's not always the solution. The problem here is that you're hurt at what she did and need her to know this and for her to explain and be truly sorry for her actions. Its only then you can really start to heal and move on. And then when you have accepted or forgiven her, maybe you can think about possibly recon, but again, she needs to reassure and show you that it was a mistake, wont ever happen again, its you she truly loves, etc etc. I think maybe deep down that's what you want? This I feel is the crux of the matter which you need to convey to her at some point, whenever you feel ready to communicate with her again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phillyg123 Posted December 29, 2011 Author Share Posted December 29, 2011 Whos to say she even still cares about me at all or even wants to get back together? She may genuinely just be asking how I am, probably because she feels so guilty. All that means is she doesnt hate me.. I appreciate everything you all have to say but its weird that everyone seems to be indicating I should contact her... Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 Well if she's with someone else and you don't want any relationship with her (friends, etc.) then by all means stay NC. No point in taking your heart on a ride of hope. I think if it was longer since you were in contact, you might be more open to letting her know how you're doing. But it hasn't been long and I know if my ex contacted me right now, I'd be reluctant to respond (but would probably end up saying "fine thanks" or something). Yes, she could be genuine but behind genuine she may also be wondering if you're still an option (I mean that's our nature anyway). So maybe you really are doing the right thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Surf Rider Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 Broke up, kept in contact for a month afterwards and then she got with another guy which crushed me. There was a couple weeks and saying nasty things to each other and then we both apologized and went nc. A few weeks in she texts about a golf club sale going on, I ignored. A month later she texts me happy birthday on my birthday, I ignored. Now at 10 weeks nc and she just texted me asking how I was and then another message saying, so you probably won't reply, I was just thinking about you and hope you are well. I haven't replied. Thoughts? Do not reply back. I made the same mistake when she started texting me around this time last year. She left me about 2 years ago and it really hurt me terribly. Anyway, when she started to text me, I replied and we started talking again which i blame myself for responding. She invited me to our colleges basketball game and i went with her to it. My parents told me to stay away from her but i didn't listen. When school started back, I sat with her in the classes we had together. Finally it came to me that what I was doing was wrong and I needed to stay away from her. I'm so glad i did. She is with someone else now and I have deleted my facebook, deleted and blocked her number and I'm now moving on with my life Link to post Share on other sites
JudgeJuryExecutioner Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 Stand up, straighten up, and clean up!! Philly, her actions are illustrative of the "outrageous principle": a man or woman who tests how far you'll condone their emotionally irresponsible behavior, and so doing, you entrench it. People inhabit their choices, remember that. She is a living testament her decisions. It is frank, and it is explicit: she choose causal sex at the expense of something substantive. The consequence: one is not deserving of the torn, conflicted, but altogether authentic feelings you obviously have for her; the contrary notion is a world devoid of consequences - that is, the world essentially of the child. Don't be a chump. Your situation is a virtual carbon copy of my own. Its been 9 months post-break and she still contacts me once every week. When I see her name on my phone, I've conditioned myself to visualize the underlying reality, and thus, I ignore it. This is not the language of a grudge but of personal dignity, as the former implies taxing self-defeating habits, whereas the latter is the basic meaning of the whole experience - i.e. the breakup is raw material to know oneself. Do I love my ex, absolutely, but I do not respect her. To forgive the lack of sound judgment and poor decision-making is not merely to condone it, but to depreciate in value, ironically, in the eyes of precisely that woman, as it is to chart a life course of intolerably lousy partners. Love without respect is no foundation for a relationship. I forgave my ex, set my boundary low, and established no immutable rules for human integrity, therefore, she did it again. Yet, the "last time" we reunited, I made such a rule, one most basic and fair: "you forfeit our life together if you ever sleep w/ another man". She risked that sacrifice. She broke my heart, never my resolve. Philly, my ex equal to your own, is testing your ability to stay firm on exactly this issue of unflinching human dignity. Don't let her take your manhood. She is wavering, causing emotional causalities and expects you to reduce yourself to the same capricious inability to stand by your own convictions. No woman would marry a man like that, and no man would marry a woman like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phillyg123 Posted December 30, 2011 Author Share Posted December 30, 2011 wow, I am impressed by your very eliquent response and greatful for it. I agree with what you say in that she made her choice. she could have worked on our relationship and got back together but instead she chose to sleep with another man. That is not acceptable in my reality and what kind of man would i be if i took her back. she is just contacting me to make herself feel better and to see if i am still an option. she feels guilty about everything. i am no longer an option for her. will she regret her actions, i imagine she does or will however the answer to that question changes nothing anyhow. It is like you say, I love her but I do not respect her and that is no basis for a relationship even though I do miss her a lot. that will die with time I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phillyg123 Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 Just saw her best friend in the supermarket and made small talk with her. It was really awkward and now Im depressed. She was talking about where they are all going tonight and I think its really set me back. Its been 4 months no contact with her sending a couple breadcrumb messages every now and again. I didn't ask anything about my ex Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 Just saw her best friend in the supermarket and made small talk with her. It was really awkward and now Im depressed. She was talking about where they are all going tonight and I think its really set me back. Its been 4 months no contact with her sending a couple breadcrumb messages every now and again. I didn't ask anything about my ex Good for you Philly. Judge pretty much sumed up your reality better than anyone. I was impressed by his posting. Lots of people here with similar situations and they could gain a lot from his posting. All I can offer you to help you is this. There will be other women in your life. You have to understand that somewhere out there is a woman who would not do that too you. Would you risk playing the breadcrumb game with your X and possibley miss out on meeting a real future with somebody who has your same values and priciples as yourself? Of course not. Just stay NC. Too many people simply do not have the strength to do that. Myself included at one time. I think you have what it takes to stay NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phillyg123 Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 really feel like I'm going to break and contact her today... for the love of god someone convince me that is a bad idea! Link to post Share on other sites
spicolli Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 I don't think anyone has to convince you its a bad idea. It seems like you know its a bad idea. Here im gonna flip it on you, convince me why contacting her is a good idea... it sucks man, I know it does, but after you make it through this brief weak phase of wanting to break and contacting her, you'll feel so much better that you didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phillyg123 Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 ok Spicolli, she messaged me a month ago asking how I was and that she was thinking about me and I didn't reply on the advice of people hear. I haven't heard anything from her since then. I saw her best friend last night and it has totally set me back and brought back all the feelings. I feel like Im at day one again. Maybe I could just text her "hey, how are you?" and then we would talk and maybe, just maybe she would tell me how she misses me and wants to get back together. I am just so depressed today and she's the only person who will make me happy again Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phillyg123 Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 Its been four months now of strict NC with her texting me like once a month and me ignoring it, but i still love her.. i just can't shake this Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phillyg123 Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 I feel like for the first time in months I do want to get back together with her, regardless of what has happened in the last 6 months Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phillyg123 Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 or maybe i could just write "hey, I've been thinking about you too" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phillyg123 Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 or "are you happy?" Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 If you are really struggling with not contacting her, have you deleted her number from your phone? If so, and you get a txt from her, simply read (or not read) and delete the conversation. It wont make it any easier to not think about, but at least you wont have the ability to act on your impulses. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 Philly for petes sakes, DO NOT CONTACT HER! How you are feeling is totally normal. But ask yourself, what will you get out of contacting her? NOTHING! It will set you back for good and you will regret it. All that progress (4 months) for nothing. Be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
thepedestrian Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 Do not contact her man! Keep your dignity! Stay strong. "Are you happy?" screams desperation and shows youre still hung up on her. Link to post Share on other sites
spicolli Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 But you have to remember that this is a momentary lapse. I understand that you feel like she is the only thing that will make you happy but I would like to pass on something that really helped me. She is not the origin of your happiness my friend. True she may have brought out the best in you, and brought out that happiness but the beauty of those two things IT IS IN YOU. That person that you think you can't be without her, you can absolutely be, and more. Have you tried doing things that you didn't do before? Six months ago I got dumped for her ex, I have since, moved into my own house, taken up hiking, saved way more money, drink only once a week, and gotten a dog, which I have always wanted. Am I over her? nope. Do I miss her? absolutely. But when the people here tell you to ignore the text, its like this... if she really wanted to make amends one ignored text would not stop her. She will try again if her intent is pure. However ignoring that text empowers you, it does much more for you, and not in a selfish way either. I digress. hang in there man we really have all been there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spicolli Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 And please don't ask if she is happy. Its a super loaded question. She may lie to protect you, she may lie to hurt you. She may tell the truth and it will hurt. She may get offended. She may break down and tell you no. Which believe it or not will hurt you, because it doesn't mean you two can necessarily fix anything and no one ever wants someone they care about to be unhappy, regardless of circumstance. I hope im not coming off cynical. I just want to help you make the best choice for you and present all possible outcomes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phillyg123 Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 Its just hard cos its the first time that I feel like I could get back with her after everything that has happened and it would all be ok. And it feels like unless I act soon the beautiful girl that I loved so much and still do will be gone forever Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phillyg123 Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 The problem is that I have reached a point where i feel like I can forgive her for everything that has happened and now I'm thinking about recon... Link to post Share on other sites
spicolli Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 What makes you believe that this is the chance? You know the situation better than I, but you have to have really prepared yourself for the worst case scenario. I am not suggesting that it will happen, but you have to be ready for it. At the end of the day, this is your life, but many others have been in your shoes, and know exactly what you're feeling. Maybe type out a draft of a text, (although PERSONALLY I think phone calls are always more appropriate in these situations) say what you really want to say, and if you still want to send it tomorrow, do it. Im not here to lead you in any certain direction, do what is best for yourself, simply my two cents. take care buddy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phillyg123 Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 If I had decided I could forgive her for everything that had happened and I wanted a chance at recon what should I text her, given it has now been a month since she sent me a message saying she hoped I was ok and was thinking about me? I still haven't decided whether I will do this or not yet.. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts