No contact not an option, I work ten feet away from my her...

[LoveHerMadly]

Hello all,

 

I have been "lurking" these forums for the last few weeks, and now I feel like telling my story.

 

I became involved with a co worker several months ago, after being best friends for quite some time. There had always been a mutual attraction between us, and we became extremely close. Unfortunately, she was involved in a abusive marriage with an alcoholic/drug user and has a 2 year old son with her soon to be legally ex husband. She always confided in me about how unhappy she was in her marriage and that she was afraid of him. I always tried to be a great friend to her and be supportive no matter what.

 

We ended up having an affair...

 

We were incredible together, I have never been more happy with anyone in my entire life (I'm 39 and divorced for 3 years myself) And she repeatedly expressed the same feelings towards me. As is usually the case in these situations, it was difficult for us to have any contact with each other outside of work even though we desperately wanted to. So I set up a password protected messageboard so we could write to each other, and eventually got her a cell phone so she could contact me whenever she wanted without anyone knowing about it. This went on for a few months, and other than the obvious obstacles we were having an incredible time together. It was "almost" perfect. Even to this day she says the same thing.

 

Anyway...

 

A little over a month ago, she ended up filing for divorce, taking her son and moving in with her Mother. Unfortunately for me, this is where everything fell apart.

 

We were scheduled to work some overtime together on a Saturday morning, and we had made plans to spend the day together afterwards. Her "husband" was supposed to have their son that day, but instead he got all liquored up and never made it to get his son. Our plans for the day had to be scrapped and she was very upset about it.

 

The next thing I know, Monday morning rolls around and she calls me on her way to work (as usual) and says that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, and she needs time to be on her own. Naturally I am completely blown away by this because it came out of nowhere!!!! The last I had heard from her was an e-mail which said she missed me and couldn't wait to see me.

 

Obviously I was crushed, I truly love this woman and we were really having a fantastic time together. I could have dealt with this if we weren't getting along or had had a big fight or something, but it was like she flipped a switch and turned it off!!! Not only did she break things off, but she was avoiding me like the plague!! Now I had seemingly lost my best friend too...It made no sense to me at all, and my mind was spinning out of control wondering what had happened to cause this.

 

Was she worried about us being discovered during her divorce?

Was she worried about her Mom finding out and being angry with her? (Even though her Mom has been trying to get her to leave her husband for a long time)

 

We were virtually inseperable since we work so close to each other, having lunch together, parking next to each other and chatting before work, flirting like school kids, etc... Obviously everyone at work suspected something was going on between us but we never made it public. Now all of the sudden everything is out the window and it is clear to everyone that something happened between us because we were barely speaking to each other.

She was being so cold to me that I didn't even know who she was anymore. I never hurt so badly in my life.

 

If you think it is tough breaking up and having no contact, try having the one you love ignore you 8 hours a day, and have no contact after that. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...

 

It took me awhile to get over the immediate hurt of it all, and I finally realized how much stress she was under. Getting divorced, moving in with her Mom, being a Mom, trying to get her life together, the guilt of taking her son from his "father" etc... I didn't agree with the way she broke things off, but I could at least begin to understand the reasoning behind it.

 

Initially I tried to hold on to what we had and convince her that she was making a mistake. Eventually she admitted that I didn't deserve to be treated this way, and that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. She said I treated her better than anyone ever had and that she cared for me very much, but she couldn't give herself to me completely right now and that she didn't want to be with me until she could. She never closed the door on us, and still hasn't to this day. I was still crushed, but I was beginning to understand. I don't want to give up on her, and I told her that I am willing to wait.

 

I wish that she had thought about all this before we had gotten so close, but it's too late now. After all, in my mind her getting divorced was supposed to be when things got easier for us to be together, not the other way around.

 

During the last 6 weeks, I have gone through everything from feeling angry, betrayed, hurt, embarrassed, used, and any other emotion one could expect after losing a great relationship and best friend at the same time. But over the last two weeks the walls have started to come down a little. We have been speaking alot more at work and even flirting again to some extent so it has become somewhat easier to deal with. We still don't talk to each other on the phone like we used to but there have been a few calls here and there, and on Friday we went out to dinner with some co workers and had a nice time. I also asked her to go to a seafood festival with me in a few weeks and she agreed.

 

She is definitely still keeping her distance though, She has only called me a few times during all this even though there is nothing to stop her from contacting me. Yet she tells me that she thinks about me alot more than I think she does.

 

So while we are making some progress and I remain somewhat optimistic about being together in the future, I am still missing her terribly. I love this woman with all my heart and she knows that I do, but everyday that goes by without being able to hold her in my arms or kiss her feels like an eternity to me. Although we have been intimate, our relationship was not built on lust or sex, it was just two people who fell for each other at the wrong time.

 

I miss my best friend...

[quasimoto]

relationships in offices are tough bc of the very reasons that make them great-you seem them all the time and if the relationship falls thru then you have to deal with that every day.

 

i'm not a therapist mind you, but if you are in a relationship with a person who has been abused, you going to be dealing with a lot of baggage, which tends to lead to instability within the relationship if they don't seek out help. in my experiences, with people who have come out of abusive relationships, the abuse stuff runs deeper than the most recent relationship. not to say you were used, but it sounds like to me that your relationship was the buffer of safety for her until she crossed over from her husband into her mom's place.

 

you love her, and that's great. i don't know you or her, but unless she's had some sort of treatment to deal with the relationship, it will be hard for you to hold it together without getting stepped on. and on top of that, it seems like she has a hell of a lot of other stuff going on there too. you have to let it go-really, as hard as it is to work together, she's probably not going to sort this out for a while. and the more you have your arms open to her, the more likey it is that you'll be either pushed away, ignored or used. ultimately you're not going to be happy left holding the torch for her, and truly it's not fair to yourself.

 

best of luck

[LoveHerMadly]

I have to hang in there awhile longer. I feel like I should give her the time to get herself together.

These last few months have been pretty crazy, and she is probably a bit overwhelmed with it all. If this were a so so relationship I would have bailed already, but this girl is really special to me and she probably deserves a little slack.

 

Thanks for your reply, in the end it may be sound advice.

Just not yet.

[sportsloving]

Everyone should have someone who cares so deeply for them.

 

I know you are going through a very rough period, but I am wishing the best outcome for you.

 

I don't believe she is intentionally trying to hurt you, she is merely trying to find her way. She has a lot of dealing to be doing, and it sounds as if she is trying her best. Give her time, give her patience, and most of all, let her know that she lean on you when she needs too. And keep in mind, sometimes one has to deal with their own demons on their own, before they can make them vanish.

 

You may want to suggest she seek counseling. Divorce is hard enough, but even when the relationship was abusive ... the feelings of failure, guilt and shame are still attached. Knowing it isn't your fault is one thing, believing it is another.

 

Good luck to both of you.