I feel like I failed somehow

[Randybrandt]

My girlfriend and I had her highs and lows and she even said the other evening where is our relationship going and then begged me to marry her and have kids with her and how we would be happily ever after. Saturday evening I was sitting in my room and my mate rang me on my mobile saying you know Kylie is in a relationship with some guy named Marques on facebook and they just made it official. My heart sank and I started crying. I said are you serious?? He said yes and they have been in a relationship for a month now. What?? She just asked me to have a child with her and she is shagging some other guy named marques and has been in a relationship for over a month? I feel like I have failed somewhere:( She made fun of me for not having a automobile but the guy she is dating doesn't have an automobile either. I feel like all this time our relationship was nothing but a big fat lie. My mates say I need to write a tell off letter but I disagree. I am sad and depressed and do not know how to take care of this situation.

[snug.bunny]

My girlfriend and I had her highs and lows and she even said the other evening where is our relationship going and then begged me to marry her and have kids with her and how we would be happily ever after. Saturday evening I was sitting in my room and my mate rang me on my mobile saying you know Kylie is in a relationship with some guy named Marques on facebook and they just made it official. My heart sank and I started crying. I said are you serious?? He said yes and they have been in a relationship for a month now. What?? She just asked me to have a child with her and she is shagging some other guy named marques and has been in a relationship for over a month? I feel like I have failed somewhere:( She made fun of me for not having a automobile but the guy she is dating doesn't have an automobile either. I feel like all this time our relationship was nothing but a big fat lie. My mates say I need to write a tell off letter but I disagree. I am sad and depressed and do not know how to take care of this situation.

 

Your girlfriend cheated on you.

 

So, you didn't fail and you should count your lucky stars you DIDN'T marry her. Maybe you felt like you failed in some ways during the relationship but you didn't go out and sleep with someone else and break up with her. Even worse, she slept with someone else during your relationship and continued to and never said anything about it! You had to find out through someone else. That's messed up.

 

So, don't shift responsibility onto yourself!

[Randybrandt]

You are right. As the old saying goes it's her not you. She is the one who messed things up and decided to cheat on me with someone who isn't exactly attractive. I am not saying I am Brad Pitt or anything but it does kinda soften the ego a bit the guy she cheated on me with isn't the most handome guy. It bruises the ego a wee bit more when you find out they left you for someone who is better looking than you. I am not sure if this is the case for all men but........ What should I do in the meantime? Confront her about what I found out? Tell her off? Or simply move on?

[cerridwen]

You are right. As the old saying goes it's her not you. She is the one who messed things up and decided to cheat on me with someone who isn't exactly attractive. I am not saying I am Brad Pitt or anything but it does kinda soften the ego a bit the guy she cheated on me with isn't the most handome guy. It bruises the ego a wee bit more when you find out they left you for someone who is better looking than you. I am not sure if this is the case for all men but........ What should I do in the meantime? Confront her about what I found out? Tell her off? Or simply move on?

 

You can always write the letter and not send it.

Consider it a purging, to get it out on paper and free some space in your head.

Write down everything you're feeling, no holes barred.

Add to it over the days if need be.

Add to it when you're overtaken with grief or anger.

But don't send it.

 

Anything that you have of hers, things that trigger memories, put away.

Have you read here about the concept of No Contact?

[Randybrandt]

I have never been cheated on before. It is a bitter pill to swallow. What exactly is No Contact? Sorry I have never been involved in someone taking my heart and making confetti out of it.

[cerridwen]

I have never been cheated on before. It is a bitter pill to swallow. What exactly is No Contact? Sorry I have never been involved in someone taking my heart and making confetti out of it.

 

It's gutting, isn't it.

A few members here have signatures with links to No Contact "guides".

The reason they do is so many people on LS are getting over relationships and No Contact can help tremendously.

 

See if it's right for you.

Three names that come to mind are:

CaliGuy

Carhill

betterdeal

Find these members by using the Search feature above.

(If you need help, let me know.)

Again, look for the links to the guides in their signature lines.

[snug.bunny]

You are right. As the old saying goes it's her not you. She is the one who messed things up and decided to cheat on me with someone who isn't exactly attractive. I am not saying I am Brad Pitt or anything but it does kinda soften the ego a bit the guy she cheated on me with isn't the most handome guy. It bruises the ego a wee bit more when you find out they left you for someone who is better looking than you. I am not sure if this is the case for all men but........ What should I do in the meantime? Confront her about what I found out? Tell her off? Or simply move on?

 

Exactly. (the part about her messing up)

 

You should do, whatever it takes, to cope and heal.

[Rorschach64]

Speaking from experience confronting a cheating ex, just don't bother. It won't make you happy in the end but unreasonablly angry and sad. You won't get any answers and she most likely, 95%, lash out at you as a self defense mechanism. Just walk away because it is over and save yourself the time.

 

Write a letter to her...and don't send it.

[Randybrandt]

I confronted her on skype because my flatmate wouldn't shut up about it and said if you do not confront her I will and finally I said fine! I told her how upset I was and how could she do this to me and she flipped the tables and said Randy you bloody mad or something? I said what? She said Randy I told you a month ago we should see other people and as usual it went in one ear and out the other. I said you have got to be kidding me! The other day you said you wanted my hand in marriage and now I am the delusional one? She never did reply back because she knew she had gotten had. I also have every mobile text she ever sent me in the past few weeks telling me she wanted to see me and she wanted to make love to me and suddenly I am the one who didn't listen when she said we should see other people? She is clearly the delusional one not me.

[Rorschach64]

Hate to say it but...told you so man :| The guilty tend to do whatever it takes to make sure their accusers are the bad ones and not them.

 

How did confronting her make you feel though? Any sense of closure or what?

[Randybrandt]

I had to get closure. It felt like a gigantic weight got lifted off my shoulders. I had to let her know ( guys cry too) and sure I may be sensitive but I was hurt and my heart got ripped into pieces when I found out the girl I thought loved me left me for another man and has been in a relationship with him for a month? While dating me? That was heartbreaking:sick: Of course as I said she turned the tables and said I was crazy and didn't hear her say we should see other people. I am a smart man and I know what she did or didn't say but whatever I got closure and she is an evil person who cannot admit she was wrong.If I was willing to bet I bet she was going to print what she wrote to me making me the crazy person and show her boyfriend see see he is crazy he didn't accept the fact I wanted to date other people. Basically save her ***

Edited December 20, 2011 by Randybrandt

[Sugarkane]

Yet another dumper two timing again. What I can't understand is why does the new person stay with them? Aren't they angry that their SO was also two timing them with their ex(you)?

[snug.bunny]

I know sometimes people say to just walk versus confronting the other person, but I think it's better you addressed it. I did years ago (she called his house while I was there! duh!). Men are idiots. (edit - some, not all)...

 

Sorry to hear this happened, it's hard to think of a single thing that is worse than being f*cked over by someone and them being so callous about it.

[Randybrandt]

He must be very idiotic or he is desperate. The part that still kills me is she blamed everything on me by lying and saying I said a month ago I wanted to see other people but you of course never listened in one ear out the other typical Randy and said what we had wasn't even a relationship anymore. That is the part that hurts the most is her flat out lying and saying we didn't have a relationship anymore and never having the courage to tell me it is over and having to find out through my mates she is in a relationship for over a month and deleting me off facebook and my mates telling me the guy she was shagging changed his relationship to single to in a relationship. I can take honesty and saying sorry I hurt you but I cannot take a lie and someone saying what we had was never a relationship and foolish Randy knew that her words not mine and she saying I said I wanted to see other people lie,lie,lie when as I said just the other day she wanted to get married to me. I hope karma gets both of them:mad:

The funny part ( not really funny) but she said oh Randy I hope we are still mates because I still care about you. Really? If you cared about me you would of said sorry for making me sad and being depressed for days and wouldn't of cheated in the first place. That is someone who cares about someone not lying to their face!

Edited December 20, 2011 by Randybrandt

[snug.bunny]

I'm sorry you're hurting. While I do think there seems to have been a fair amount of miscommunication between the two of you, it doesn't really matter who said what at this point. The fact remains, she was sleeping with someone else while she was in a relationship with you, dating you, whichever.

 

The "He Said, She Said" won't change things, it may bring you a bit more clarity, but it won't change the fact that she's in a relationship now with someone else so that pretty much ends whatever relationship you had with her. You confronted her, she provided you with some answers, so try to find some solace in that if you can.

[Randybrandt]

Exactly:cool: It doesn't really matter and like you say there were apparently some communciation problems maybe she didn't say them or she thought she said them whatever what's done is done and I have to move forward and realize it is her loss not mine and I feel stupid for putting up with it for so long but as they say we all learn from our mistakes. I am sure it will take a very,very long time to heal my wounds but I just have to keep reminding myself it is best I know it now even if it took 6 months to figure out rather than a year, two years or even married to her and have a child with her that part would really be crushing especially if kids got involved.

[snug.bunny]

I feel your pain, really I do. Different circumstances but it was such a difficult struggle for me to get over and has taken an unusually long, VERY long time to heal from. You can only cry so much until you reach your breaking point. Sometimes it makes me feel as though falling in love just isn't worth it, but then other times, I try to accept what is and that it's okay to feel so strongly about someone even if it turns out not to be reciprocated.

 

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon and that you move on to a much better place and with someone who is better suited for you.

[Rorschach64]

Randy,

 

Well I know where you are coming from with this. My ex-fiancee wanted to take a break and start things over again as if we first met and that'd mean us being single and open to dating others, I made 100% sure that was the case, which I later on told her flat out I told I didn't like that idea after 3 days of mulling it over. Funny enough when I told her I didn't like that single thing she sat across from me loss of words and just mumbled "okay...." During the break up, she said that whole thing about being single and open to dating others wasn't what she meant...? Anyway.

 

What she did was a typical self defense mechanism on a psychological level, I think it would be fight or flight?

 

Hey, if confronting her brought you closure then you had to do it and I am glad you did it then. Your ex isn't evil though...none of our ex's are, they maybe immature and selfish but they aren't evil. They need to grow up.

 

In any case, I am sorry this happened to you

[Randybrandt]

I guess you are right. She isn't evil just immature and totally in denial but whatever....... At the end of the day I know what's right have mobile messages to prove she was lying and sure I could call her out on it but would it be worth it? No. She only believes what she wants to hear and I could have so much evidence but again it wouldn't do any good because again she knows she was wrong she is just like you said immature and wants to make herself good like she dumped me and I was the crazy one who didn't listen. Good Riddance I say I wanted to say adios so many times but she would be so sweet and sweep me off my feet and I would be in love again and then she turned into this ice cold person. I guess it is partially my fault for not dumping her and sticking around but like I said we have to learn from our mistakes and next time if I see Red Flags I should pay attention or if my next girl being sweet one minute and evil the next run run run! Thanks everyone for the support:) It is good to know people have been in the same situation as me.