daturanoir Posted December 19, 2011 Share Posted December 19, 2011 Do your in-laws spend about the same amount on you as they do their own child? This has never bothered me before, but now that it's combined with some other things it's bothering me a lot. My parents spend the same on me as they do my spouse for Christmas and birthdays. My spouse's parents spend five to ten times as much on my spouse (their son) as they do me (to be very specific they give him a check for $500 for Christmas and me a $100 gift card; for our birthdays he gets a $1000 check and I get a $25 gift card). The discrepancy is huge, to the point of being insulting. Is this normal and I'm just being oversensitive because of other things his parents do and say? Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted December 19, 2011 Share Posted December 19, 2011 (edited) Do your in-laws spend about the same amount on you as they do their own child? This has never bothered me before, but now that it's combined with some other things it's bothering me a lot. My parents spend the same on me as they do my spouse for Christmas and birthdays. My spouse's parents spend five to ten times as much on my spouse (their son) as they do me (to be very specific they give him a check for $500 for Christmas and me a $100 gift card; for our birthdays he gets a $1000 check and I get a $25 gift card). The discrepancy is huge, to the point of being insulting. Is this normal and I'm just being oversensitive because of other things his parents do and say? You aren't their child, I'd be grateful they give you anything at all for Christmas or your birthday. I gift my adult kids and their SO's, my child always gets the larger cash gift at Xmas, my reasoning for this is that I know they'll use the bulk of whatever I give them to make their family holiday nicer. I hope that if my check is big enough that they'll have enough to at least get themselves a little something. My daughter's husband has a way of viewing gifts she receives as "money for the family" ie: $ to feed whatever expensive hobby he's engaging in currently. Edited December 19, 2011 by soserious1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daturanoir Posted December 19, 2011 Author Share Posted December 19, 2011 No one? I don't mean to sound like I'm ungrateful for a gift, but it makes me feel like they don't consider me part of the family. But, maybe I'm just pissed off because as we were leaving their house last night his parents went on for 5 minutes about how I'm taking their son away from them on a family holiday, and implied on 4 separate occasions during dinner that I am intentionally keeping their son away from his mother. *This is the first time in 4 years that H is spending a holiday with my family, instead of spending it together with his family or apart with our own families* I have a huge list of other things, but I'm also unreasonably angry because H told me the other day that his mom asked him if we have kids, when I am pregnant if she is allowed to go to all my doctor appointments with us and be in the room with us for the ultrasounds and birth. I'm appalled that she would think that's even a possibility and really angry that she actually asked, but that she didn't even ask me, who is the only person who gets a say in that. It's ridiculous for me to be so angry, since we're not even trying to have kids, but I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daturanoir Posted December 19, 2011 Author Share Posted December 19, 2011 You aren't their child, I'd be grateful they give you anything at all for Christmas or your birthday. I gift my adult kids and their SO's, my child always gets the larger cash gift at Xmas, my reasoning for this is that I know they'll use the bulk of whatever I give them to make their family holiday nicer. I hope that if my check is big enough that they'll have enough to at least get themselves a little something. My daughter's husband has a way of viewing gifts she receives as "money for the family" ie: $ to feed whatever expensive hobby he's engaging in currently. I see his parents at least once a week if not more, for the last several years, I even spend time with his parents when my H is not involved. Maybe you're right, but I do feel really insulted at receiving a $25 gc (in the mail) for my bday when H gets $1k, and it's not because I feel like they should give me more, it's just that the huge discrepancy makes me feel like their gift is nominal, like they do it because they think they have to. H and I always spend a lot of money on bday gifts for them, as well as treating them to very nice dinners on their bdays, so it's not as though I do nothing for them. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted December 19, 2011 Share Posted December 19, 2011 My in-laws shower us both with gifts, and my parents give my H gifts similar in value, or at least thoughtfulness, to what they give me. I would be upset in your shoes. I wonder, though, where your husband falls on all this? If he sees the $1000 vs $25 gift discrepancy, does he do something about it? For example, does he share the bounty of his cash gift with you or otherwise treat it as family money? Has he ever said anything to his parents about the blatant inequality? It seems their efforts to drive a wedge between you two are going unchallenged by your husband -- and that, to me, is more of a warning sign than anything else. You can't ultimately control how your in-laws behave, but if your husband doesn't have your back and isn't standing up for you, and you two as a unit, to his parents, I'd be worried. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted December 19, 2011 Share Posted December 19, 2011 (edited) I see his parents at least once a week if not more, for the last several years, I even spend time with his parents when my H is not involved. Maybe you're right, but I do feel really insulted at receiving a $25 gc (in the mail) for my bday when H gets $1k, and it's not because I feel like they should give me more, it's just that the huge discrepancy makes me feel like their gift is nominal, like they do it because they think they have to. H and I always spend a lot of money on bday gifts for them, as well as treating them to very nice dinners on their bdays, so it's not as though I do nothing for them. You sound like a small child stomping her feet because a sibling got a bigger scoop of ice cream. Your husband's parents aren't obligated to gift you to the same level that they gift him. I'd suspect they give him bigger gifts because they figure he'll use a good portion of it to support his family. If this bothers you, cut back on what you do for them, spend more time,attention & money on your own parents. My ex in law's NEVER gifted me to the same level that they did my husband & it never bothered me, I was grateful that they remembered me at all. Edited December 19, 2011 by soserious1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted December 19, 2011 Share Posted December 19, 2011 my in laws have similar attitudes to yours. They ( especially his mom) are very controlling and use "emotional blackmail" ( e.g.- his mom will cry if he doesn't do what she wants) to get what they want. It even got to the point that she told me should would never forgive me for taking her baby boy away from her and forcing him to move away ( never mind that we've got kids and he needed to move away for his job:rolleyes:). About the discrepancy in the size of the gift... does your husband have any other siblings who are married? Do their spouses get the same treatment as you? If so, there may well be nothing personal in it...it could just be that they figure you and your husband will end up using the larger amount together, and the gift card is for you to get something just for yourself. Have you talked to your husband about it and told him how you feel? He may be able to offer an explanation for it. About interacting with your inlaws...i'm lucky in that I only have to see mine a few times a year...I think that if we saw each other more often, we end up sniping back and forth, and that's not good. My husband knows what she is like, but it is his mom, and he does love her, so I try and be as nice as I can. that way, at least I'll know I tried, and so will he. ( but I can assure you there was no way in hell's half acre that I would have had her anywhere near me when I was getting ultrasounds done, etc. or when i was having my kids ...we purposely didn't tell her about going to the hospital when our oldest was born, as we didn't want her showing up...with our other kids, we lived far away and it didn't matter) Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 19, 2011 Share Posted December 19, 2011 My MIL gives the spouses $25.00 and her kids $100.00. Birthday and Christmas. I'm the first person she calls in an emergency or if she needs something (out of her 5 sons and daughters) I've cared for her dying husband, mother and father and she and her mother lived with us and I cooked and took care them. It really is just the way she sees it. My parents spent the same on both of us. I know she loves me, I don't think it's meant as an insult, I know if I asked for her help she would move mountains, so it really doesn't bother me one bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daturanoir Posted December 19, 2011 Author Share Posted December 19, 2011 My in-laws shower us both with gifts, and my parents give my H gifts similar in value, or at least thoughtfulness, to what they give me. I would be upset in your shoes. I wonder, though, where your husband falls on all this? If he sees the $1000 vs $25 gift discrepancy, does he do something about it? For example, does he share the bounty of his cash gift with you or otherwise treat it as family money? Has he ever said anything to his parents about the blatant inequality? It seems their efforts to drive a wedge between you two are going unchallenged by your husband -- and that, to me, is more of a warning sign than anything else. You can't ultimately control how your in-laws behave, but if your husband doesn't have your back and isn't standing up for you, and you two as a unit, to his parents, I'd be worried. He's never said anything to them, and I don't know if I blame him on that one - I can imagine it's pretty awkward to bring up the inequality, since it is a gift. I'm sure that if he ever did say anything to them they would think that it was because I was complaining or told him to. I've never said anything to him about it for the same reason. I know that he knows about the discrepancy for Christmas, which is a much smaller discrepancy for bdays. Our birthdays are a couple months apart so he may not really notice. I wouldn't either if it wasn't so over the top, but I also am starting to wonder if they do it that way for that same reason. When we were dating they gave him more money for Christmas and not as much for his birthday. Any cash gifts that either of us receive we deposit in our own bank accounts and do whatever we want with it, and neither of us has ever asked the other what they do with that money. Typically I buy something for our house with mine. Since I do have a general idea how he spends his money, I'd say he typically goes clothes shopping or buys some kind of electronic (new tv, which we both benefit from, iPhone, etc.). This year he will probably buy a new laptop for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daturanoir Posted December 19, 2011 Author Share Posted December 19, 2011 (edited) About the discrepancy in the size of the gift... does your husband have any other siblings who are married? Do their spouses get the same treatment as you? If so, there may well be nothing personal in it...it could just be that they figure you and your husband will end up using the larger amount together, and the gift card is for you to get something just for yourself. He has a sibling who is married, and they always throw a special family dinner for his birthday and get him a relatively expensive gift, though not as much as they spend on their own children. They also do more for him for Christmas, and get his parents gifts also, which makes sense, since his parents live closer by and they see each other more. I'm very jealous that you were able to move far away. I still can't believe that she thinks it's a reasonable expectation to be allowed to those kinds of extremely personal things. Things have been going way downhill lately, and I actually think at this point she would use the same emotional blackmail techniques to try to get her way if I were pregnant and told her no. My MIL gives the spouses $25.00 and her kids $100.00. Birthday and Christmas. I'm the first person she calls in an emergency or if she needs something (out of her 5 sons and daughters) I've cared for her dying husband, mother and father and she and her mother lived with us and I cooked and took care them. It really is just the way she sees it. My parents spent the same on both of us. I know she loves me, I don't think it's meant as an insult, I know if I asked for her help she would move mountains, so it really doesn't bother me one bit. If the discrepancy in gifts were this small, I wouldn't think anything of it. I don't have the same relationship with my in-laws (despite my best efforts) as you do with yours, so the huge discrepancy seems pointed to me. But, maybe I am being sensitive because of the nature of the relationship. Edited December 20, 2011 by daturanoir Link to post Share on other sites
Author daturanoir Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 (edited) You sound like a small child stomping her feet because a sibling got a bigger scoop of ice cream. Your husband's parents aren't obligated to gift you to the same level that they gift him. I'd suspect they give him bigger gifts because they figure he'll use a good portion of it to support his family. If this bothers you, cut back on what you do for them, spend more time,attention & money on your own parents. My ex in law's NEVER gifted me to the same level that they did my husband & it never bothered me, I was grateful that they remembered me at all. I know that they're not. However, the level of the discrepancy makes me feel like they're giving me anything at all just to say that they did. If that's the case I'd rather just not get anything at all so at least they'd be honest for a change instead of dealing with the passive aggressive comments and actions. At least if they were honest H would have to face up to it instead of blowing it off when I get upset about things they do or say with a "but they have good intentions/don't mean it that way/are actually really nice you're just choosing to take it that way" If they were HONEST maybe I could try to have a conversation with them about what their problem is. Instead I just feel like crap every time we see them. AND, I think this is the thing I find most insulting - his parents sign their LAST NAME on the extremely generic Christmas card they give me every year. My parents always send us a very thoughtful card and sign it accordingly, and they don't see H nearly as often as I see his parents. Edited December 20, 2011 by daturanoir Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 You know, I had a thought. I think if they are the type of people who consider leaving an inheritance to their kids, perhaps they see the $1000.00 as doling part of it out prior to them passing? I think you're right tat perhaps the relationship has to do with how you view it. You are right that there is a large discrepancy there! Do they do dinner for you as well? Link to post Share on other sites
Author daturanoir Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 You know, I had a thought. I think if they are the type of people who consider leaving an inheritance to their kids, perhaps they see the $1000.00 as doling part of it out prior to them passing? I think you're right tat perhaps the relationship has to do with how you view it. You are right that there is a large discrepancy there! Do they do dinner for you as well? That could be! They don't do dinner for me. I never thought much about any of these things but my in laws seem increasingly passive aggressive since our wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 I don't understand why you feel like anyone owes you anything. It's their money, they can do with it what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daturanoir Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 I don't understand why you feel like anyone owes you anything. It's their money, they can do with it what they want. I don't feel like anyone owes me anything; it's more that my in-laws do a lot of things and say a lot of things that make me feel terrible and that seem really passive aggressive to me, and make me feel like they don't consider me part of the family and like they think (or hope) that I'll just go away soon and they can have their son back. I'm not asking about this because I feel entitled to anything. I'm asking because I'm wondering if this is just one more of their little "hints" or if this is normal for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 I don't feel like anyone owes me anything; it's more that my in-laws do a lot of things and say a lot of things that make me feel terrible and that seem really passive aggressive to me, and make me feel like they don't consider me part of the family and like they think (or hope) that I'll just go away soon and they can have their son back. I'm not asking about this because I feel entitled to anything. I'm asking because I'm wondering if this is just one more of their little "hints" or if this is normal for everyone. This is an entirely different issue than you not being gifted as much as your husband. I think you are taking one small issue (the value of a gift) and projecting it to a bigger issue you have with your in-laws. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daturanoir Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 (edited) I think you're right tat perhaps the relationship has to do with how you view it. This is what H says, so maybe it's all just in my head. I never had a problem with their behavior before, or thought her PA was directed at me or anything, but ever since we got engaged and especially since we got married I feel like they are increasingly PA to the point where I feel uncomfortable and/or call my mom crying after having contact with them. Before engagement/marriage I think we all had a fine relationship (but she was always definitely a PA guilt-trippy kind of person, which H knows, but will no longer admit to now that I have a problem with her), but also I never said no to any request/opinion/demand/invitation/whathaveyou from his mother. Starting with wedding planning that has changed. The very first time I was on the phone with her and politely declined a request (disguised as an invitation) of hers she flipped out, demanded I put H on the phone and bitched him out (and guess who got her way - yup mommy dearest). She's one of those people who no matter how often you see/talk to her she insists that she "never" sees/talks to you, so no matter what you do it's never enough. She can never make a direct request or say what she wants (ie, "We're having so and so over for dinner, and they want to see pictures from our vacation....it's too bad because no one ever gave us any" instead of asking H to resend her the photos we had already sent her). It's annoying, but I can deal with a certain amount of the generalized version of this - I grew up with a grandmother who was just like this. However, increasingly I feel like she (and FIL but not as hostile) is directing a lot of PA/hostility toward me. I'm sure that some of what I perceive as PA toward me (like maybe the gift thing?) can be chalked up to me being sensitive, but not all of it can be, right?? I'm trying to figure out what things I'm being too sensitive about. Edited December 20, 2011 by daturanoir Link to post Share on other sites
bean1 Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 We don't get individual gifts Our child gets a toy and that's it. Yes, MIL gives my husband a cheque at Christmas in his name but I am under the impression that it is for "us". Link to post Share on other sites
Author daturanoir Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 This is an entirely different issue than you not being gifted as much as your husband. I think you are taking one small issue (the value of a gift) and projecting it to a bigger issue you have with your in-laws. Exactly, I was wondering if I was misinterpreting this particular action due to a larger issue with them. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
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