Is it normal to argue more during pregnancy?

[Lauriebell82]

I'll try to answer all the qeustions, thanks for the advice.

 

We dealt with conflict pretty effectively prior to the pregnancy, and even throughout most of the pregnancy. We would argue of course, but we would be able to talk it out while actually arguing in a calm manner. Now it's just high emotions that basically erupt to the point where we can no longer do that because we are both too upset/angry. As I said though, the escalation in arguments has occured in last 1-2 months. We have had a lot of stress recently though, we bought and moved into a house within 30 days which has pretty much drained our bank account. Maybe that's a contributer?

 

I have told him before that saying that our marriage is in trouble during fights hurts me and is out of line. I think it's just his "go to" response to dealing with anxiety or arguing? He apologizes after the fight, says he didn't mean it and that he was angry. But then does it again. So I don't know..

[Lauriebell82]

How's the sex life?

 

I guess I missed this question. We do a lot of foreplay, unfortunatley my husband is starting to get turned off by my growing stomach. We had sex up until about about a month ago. I'm getting a lot bigger now and he stares at my stomach in shock. As I said, we still do foreplay but haven't had actual intercourse in quite some time. We still cuddle and hug and kiss, but that aspect of our marriage is pretty much gone which is very disappointing for me.

Edited December 23, 2011 by Lauriebell82

[Els]

I guess I missed this question. We do a lot of foreplay, unfortunatley my husband is starting to get turned off by my growing stomach. We had sex up until about about a month ago. I'm getting a lot bigger now and he stares at my stomach in shock. As I said, we still do foreplay but haven't had actual intercourse in quite some time. We still cuddle and hug and kiss, but that aspect of our marriage is pretty much gone which is very disappointing for me.

 

LB... are you positive about the bolded or are your hormones (I don't mean this in a mean way, pregnancy hormones are a very real thing) just trying to convince you that?

[Lauriebell82]

LB... are you positive about the bolded or are your hormones (I don't mean this in a mean way, pregnancy hormones are a very real thing) just trying to convince you that?

 

I don't think it's my hormones, last night when I came home from work he looked at my outfit, his eyes went down to my stomach and got real wide. He said "wow." Over the past couple weeks I have gotten a LOT bigger (he had a growth spurt I guess) so I guess my husband is not used to seeing me like that. I don't know.

 

It's not so much that he is in shock about him looking at my stomach, I have always had an incredibly flat stomach, so it is a change. What bothers me is that I know that it's my stomach that is turning him off and why he doesn't want to have sex with me.

[Els]

If you are right about that, I personally think it's incredibly immature for him to be turned off by the bulge you are carrying that is his own child, LB. I really do. I don't want to cause you any more anxiety than you are already experiencing, but... something feels very, very wrong about all of this. Surely both of you have talked previously about each of your expectations of having a child, and he must have known that you would be under stress and your body would change?

[sunshinegirl]

I don't think it's my hormones, last night when I came home from work he looked at my outfit, his eyes went down to my stomach and got real wide. He said "wow." Over the past couple weeks I have gotten a LOT bigger (he had a growth spurt I guess) so I guess my husband is not used to seeing me like that. I don't know.

 

It's not so much that he is in shock about him looking at my stomach, I have always had an incredibly flat stomach, so it is a change. What bothers me is that I know that it's my stomach that is turning him off and why he doesn't want to have sex with me.

 

Aww, LB, I'm disappointed in his reaction to your growing body. Where's his sense of being in this together with you? It reads like he's creating distance instead of seeing this as an intimacy-creating time for you two. It would soooo not be okay if my H said or did similar things -- or, at minimum, I would insist on a sit-down conversation to hash out what's really going on with him. It sounds like latent anxiety about parenthood - which can of course coexist with excitement about parenthood - but his anxiety is coming out in hurtful, inappropriate ways. I think you've really got to get at the root of this thing...

[hotgurl]

I agree with sg. I do think he has some anxiety. As I recall from earlier posts he has OCD correct? MAybe all this change he can't control (even though he wants it) is throwing him for a loop.

 

I think you two need to talk about ground rules for fighting. Once the baby comes there will be more stress and sleepless nights.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with sg. I do think he has some anxiety. As I recall from earlier posts he has OCD correct? MAybe all this change he can't control (even though he wants it) is throwing him for a loop.

 

I think you two need to talk about ground rules for fighting. Once the baby comes there will be more stress and sleepless nights.

 

Yeah, he has OCD, it's the personality disorder kind. He does try VERY hard to control it to his credit though. It's always going to be there though, I understand that and have accepted it. I have faults to, nobody is perfect.

 

He's trying to make an effort in the foreplay department and he is able to give me orgasms, the manuel stimulation kind. So I guess it's his attempt at a compromise, that he is still trying to satisfy me as best he can. Still not the same as sex though.

Edited December 23, 2011 by Lauriebell82

[hotgurl]

Yeah, he has OCD, it's the personality disorder kind. He does try VERY hard to control it to his credit though. It's always going to be there though, I understand that and have accepted it. I have faults to, nobody is perfect.

 

He's trying to make an effort in the foreplay department and he is able to give me orgasms, the manuel stimulation kind. So I guess it's his attempt at a compromise, that he is still trying to satisfy me as best he can. Still not the same as sex though.

 

So he is trying. As long as you two talk about things it should be fine. I mention the OCD because I have a friend who has it with mild anxiety and he's OCD flares up during stressful times.

 

Sex during pregnancy is tricky. I was so sick my 1st trimester. 2nd I was randy and 3rd I was forbidden from it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Many men have difficulty reconciling their idea of their woman's body as a vehicle for sexual pleasure with that of a vehicle for a growing human being … that represents an awesome responsibility and life change for him and you.

 

Boobs - sexual fun bags or feed troughs for a hungry baby?

 

Some men embrace all of this, but many just can't. I think if it is a real problem, you might want to get some counseling with him. It often doesn't go away automatically after the baby is born.

 

I have no idea whether your husband is experiencing this or not, but if he is, he won't be the first new dad who has not been able to reconcile the sexiness of his sex partner with the potential sexiness of a mother - the mother of his own child.

[bean1]

LB it is normal for men to be turned off like that - unfortunately your husband is no different than millions of fathers. My own husband behaved the same way (and btw our sex life is normal now - much more 'scheduled', lol, but he has no aversion despite the massive damage the baby did to my once perfect 6 pack with stretch marks and loose skin).

 

A (not so) funny story - one time, when we did doggy style and I was around 8 months, he put his hand on my lower belly to 'hold on' and ........ the baby kicked his hand. Talk about a turn off The idea of the baby being 'there' (ie. touching the head with his penis, while anatomically not possible), is still a real fear for them no matter how many books say otherwise.

 

I say just go with the flow in that department... some men are not attracted to pregnant bodies and unfortunately it's just a truth. I know it hurt at the time, it really did.

[make me believe]

Wow, I think everybody is letting your husband off the hook way too easily. It is NOT ok for him to make rude comments about your pregnant body. Staring at your stomach wide eyed and saying "wow" in a non-positive way is a cruel thing for a man to do to the mother of his baby. I would be crushed if I was pregnant and my husband did that. He can try to reconcile the "mother" and "wife" parts of you in his head without cutting you down and causing you anxiety and hurt feelings.

 

The comments about feeling bad for the baby because of the state of your marriage are extremely problematic. I would probably insist that we go to counseling if my husband said something like that. The fact that it's his "go-to" response when you guys are arguing is also a huge issue. He KNOWS that it hurts you and that it's damaging to your marriage (it's almost the same as threatening divorce "in the heat of the moment" -- you just don't go there unless you really mean it), but he does it anyway -- repeatedly. I would be VERY concerned if I was you.

 

I don't know what any of this bullsh*t has to do with "OCD." He can be scared of being a father without insulting your body and continuously saying your marriage is in shambles. I agree with Elswyth, something seems very wrong about this situation. I think you need to take it seriously and not brush off his comments as "OCD" or anxiety about becoming a father.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks everyone. My husband and I have actually been doing much better, we haven't had a fight in about 3 weeks now. It may have had something to do with moving into our new house and spending so much money, the stress of the move, ect. I did talk to him about the issue of making comments about my pregnancy and he said that he would try. He has also. My parents are coming this weekend, and he said "they are going to be so surprised with how big your tummy got...but I'm sure they will think you look beautiful just like I do." So he caught himself.

 

The comments about our marriage being in shambles, feeling bad for our kids, ect. I don't know about that. We haven't had a fight in quiet awhile now and he hasn't said anything about it. As I said, he only says that out of anger during fights. That I'm unsure how to fix, as I have told him I don't like when he says that yet he continues to do it. I thought about counseling, unfortunately marriage counseling is pretty expensive and we are pretty broke right now. Any other suggestions?

 

Oh, and he actually had sex with my Christmas Eve!!! I don't know if this is TMI, but he wasn't nearly as hard as he usually is, maybe that's normal? I don't know.

[xxoo]

The comments about our marriage being in shambles, feeling bad for our kids, ect. I don't know about that. We haven't had a fight in quiet awhile now and he hasn't said anything about it. As I said, he only says that out of anger during fights. That I'm unsure how to fix, as I have told him I don't like when he says that yet he continues to do it. I thought about counseling, unfortunately marriage counseling is pretty expensive and we are pretty broke right now. Any other suggestions?.

 

I'd focus on reducing the level of anger in the home, and not focus on the things he's saying when he is very angry. Saying that he is concerned about the marriage in the moment is valid, even if it is an overreation.

 

The bigger issue is stress, and how you handle it as a couple. Pregnancy can be stressful. Moving is definitely stressful. Having an infant in the home can be terribly stressful at times. Successful parents figure out how to manage the stress of parenting (and everything else) without lashing out at each other.

 

The stress could be affecting his sexual performance as well. Some men have a "madonna/whore" kind of issue, however, where they just can not reconcile mother and sexy. Hopefully that is not what is going on with him. Has he ever expressed any feelings about pregnant women's bodies in general?

[Lauriebell82]

 

The stress could be affecting his sexual performance as well. Some men have a "madonna/whore" kind of issue, however, where they just can not reconcile mother and sexy. Hopefully that is not what is going on with him. Has he ever expressed any feelings about pregnant women's bodies in general?

 

Eh, I gave him a hand job about a week ago and he got rock hard! So it may just be the issue with him looking at my stomach or having the baby be so close to him that freaked him out.

 

He's never expressed any negative feelings about pregnant women's bodies, however he has made comments about women who are overweight. Not horrible nasty comments, but he has more voiced his opinion in the fact that he feels that it's more of a health issue then an appearance issue. He is very health conscious, he is a body builder, so he wants a partner who feels the same way about their bodies. Maybe just hte whole pregnancy, big belly, bloated thing just reminds him too much of me being overweight? I don't know.

 

He does LOVE the big boobs though. I'm normally a C cup, and for some crazy reason I am now a DD. I can't wait to get rid of them, they are terrible.

[norajane]

Is he really squeamish about pregnancy? Has he been around pregnant women much? Does he ever touch your belly to feel the baby? Does he caress it or put his head on your belly to listen to the heartbeat? Do you ever take his hand and put it on your belly, like when the baby's moving or something?

 

My guess is this pregnancy is freaking him out, but even so, he still shouldn't hurt your feelings. Let him know when he's hurting your feelings - just tell him "it hurts my feelings when you say/do that" calmly and don't let it escalate into a fight.

 

If things start escalating into a fight, tell him you'd like to take a few minutes to calm down and go get a glass of water or go to the bathroom - just walk away for a few minutes, take some deep breaths, and regain perspective. That gives him some time to calm down a little, too.

 

You and your hubby are on the same team. Sometimes, in the middle of a fight, it can be easy to forget that and start fighting against each other instead of for each other. When you remember that you're on the same team, come back, start off with a hug and a kiss, or take his hand, and then keep talking.

[Lucky_One]

Glad things are a bit better. Remember the advice about hugging? Talk about it prior, and agree that if one of you gets irked, then you hug. It IS impossible to fight while hugging.

 

When I started reading this, I immediately thought that he is stressed out about money. Newly married, you seem to have had a few job changes in a short time, you just bought a house, you are pregnant, you are planning on stopping work to stay at home. These are ALL high-stress issues, and you two have FIVE of them going on at one time. I would try to do all I could to minimize expenses and to put all $$ away that you can, so that he can SEE a tangible safety net and see that you are as dedicated as he is to the financial aspects of raising a family.

 

My first H was def freaked out about sex while I was pregnant. I was randy, and he was all weirded out that he was going to hit the baby in the head. Then he heard that semen can cause ripening of the cervix and that my orgasms release oxytocin, and that even weirded him out more. Post-birth? He wouldn't have sex for about 2 months at least, because he got a little freaked out looking at the baby come out of my vagina. It's a mental thing, and it usually goes away - thankfully. So just look at that like it's a short term thing. There are LOTS worse things that can happen for a 6 month period.

 

It will all be ok, and post-baby, you will forget all of this while you work on other issues!

 

PS. Just a thought. I think I read before that with his OCD that he is sort of anal about housekeeping and tidiness. Your house is going to go to hell in a handbasket for a few weeks at LEAST. I know that you have some issues with your mom, but you may want to pre-arrange with her or with some other family member to get some help with basic housekeeping. Prior to due date, get your closets cleaned out and organized, get your pantry cleaned out, clean out your laundry room, keep your laundry up-to-date. Preferably he would take on many of those post-baby cleaning duties, but he could be feeling equally as exhausted and over-whelmed as you may feel, and may not feel like running two loads of clothes and scrubbing a toilet when he gets home, either.