Is this a breakable cycle?

[AwptiK]

This is a very long story from the past 4.5 months. I'll keep it as brief as possible, but my main point is asking if there's a way of breaking this crazy cycle i'm stuck in. My best result would be a relationship, but i'm willing to accept defeat as well.

 

I'm 20 and i'll add that i'm slightly insecure. I'm also really good at letting people walk all over me; i'm also very bad at trying to stand up for myself. I don't like upsetting people or making them mad, so I usually accept defeat and leave it at that.

 

This girl is 22, she has a 2 year old son and therefore she's a pretty busy person. She also VERY recently ended things with her son's father just prior to us starting to talk in August. Something she intended to do for a while, but me being in her life was that final push she needed. She's also extremely insecure and I think it'll show in what I share.

 

We're coworkers.

 

So,

August: We were talking, things were very good. We had the understanding that we'd go very slowly because of her recent breakup and all the baggage she has. It was awesome, but things progressed a little too quickly for her liking. I hated this, because everything grew naturally. We took a step back, but had the understanding that we'd try again when she was ready.

 

September: In the middle of September, things seemed to build back up again (naturally, again) and for a week's time, we were talking again. Then........she wanted to step back. This frustrated me a bit and out of anger I expressed my frustration to her and I was a bit of an *******. She was "done".

 

Late October/November: There was a long break and separation here, but again things were coming back around. This time it was VERY sexual. After things built up a lot and there were a few back to back days of constant talking, she acted a little shady the next day. When we talked again, there was some little disagreement we had and she wanted to stop again. She pointed out the disagreement as the means for the ending, again saying she was "done".

 

Then-now: This is the main part of the story, my "cycle" persay.

Almost immediately after that ending, she was right back to trying to talk to me (as a friend). I asked her for space and the next few days we didn't talk at all. Then I saw her at work and she made some comment, "Since you're not talking to me...I wrote down what's left to do". She knew i'd react to that. I didn't say anything then, but I saw her the next day and I said "I just needed some space, but i'm good now".

 

Two weeks goes by, and over that time she is texting me every single day and conversations are lasting a good portion of those days. The times I see her at work, she makes an effort to approach me and have conversation. There's the occasional light-flirt, like a playful hit or similar comment. At this point I feel the need to say "What gives?", but I wanted to see if there was a natural approach to this. One day we're texting and I was leading myself into making a blatantly flirty comment. She stopped me, and even said "Not going back". I backed off again.

 

I think two days later, she texted me and I didn't reply. She texts again a few hours later and says "I was trying to be nice. I guess I won't do that again."

 

Knowing she was going to get a reply -.-

I called her and we had a pretty large fight. I said a bit about feeling led on, how confused I was and I did make some comment towards the end about "I guess it's different for you since you don't have feelings for me anymore". She responded to that with "I do still have feelings for you". Her side, was about how she still isn't ready and when things ended last time, she realized she needed to step back. I said I wish she had let me know, things could've been much easier and we'd have both backed up. She also said "It's just so easy to fall for you, I get really into you and it takes a while to realize that I still am not ready". It was a really heated talk, but things ended seemingly well. I told her that if anything happens again that i'm unsure of, that I will ask her, she agreed.

 

 

That same night, I texted her while I was at a concert, saying I was having a lot of fun but I would prefer things just be okay between her and I. She replied, saying "You always come by work after we fight :/". I thought to myself, "Yeah, but we're friends......" Instead I simply told her i'd come by the next time she was at work.

 

Then, around and around we go. The next few days we're talking a ton, flirting, all that jazz. The same night I ended up going by work to see her like I said I would, she called me after work (at 10pm) and asked me to come see her when she got off.

 

Couple days later, we worked together and she was a little shady. (Now, I say shady, but I simply mean that it's very easy to tell the difference between her being super into me and her not). She talked a LOT about her ex's and dating in general, and that quickly annoyed me. We had a bit of a discussion and at one point she said "We're not even talking" and I told her that I was done. I said i've accepted that she isn't ready and that's perfectly fine, but there is no happy medium between us and our mindsets. I said i'd be lying if I didn't want to try again when she's ready, but I can't do this back and forth.

 

She texted me the following day saying I was childish. I sent her a lengthy text back, "Childish? It's one thing for you to not be ready, and like i've said that's cool. But it's a whole different thing to lead me on and give me "this much", then take it right back away because of that. That's childish." She instantly called me and we discussed things further. I guess they ended on a good note. That call was roughly two weeks ago.

 

We talked a little bit since, but then I saw her both days this past weekend. Saturday she texted me a little bit while she was at work and when I got there we talked for a good half hour. There wasn't quite flirting, but she was going out of her way to talk to me. I helped her carry some heavy stuff to her car, and as I was walking away she stopped me three times to say something more. Sunday, (yesterday), she texted me in the morning saying the cashier basically called her a fatass. I wasn't really up for being her go-to for comfort, so I didn't reply. She texted again a few hours later, just a ":(" because I hadn't replied. I replied to that and said i'd see her at 3.

 

We talked a good bit at 3 and I cheered her up a bit. After she left she sent me two more texts, one at 4 and one at 5. I didn't reply to either. THEN, she calls the store and talks to me. Started with "Are you busy? I've sent you a few texts and you haven't replied." I talked to her for a bit and then got off the phone to take care of some things. She texted me after and I sent her a nice text about her being beautiful and how she should listen to me over that cashier. When she responded, a bit of flirting started. The next 2-3 hours were pretty flirty and I sort of regret it, but I wanted to know what was up, so I asked. She said "Don't think about it... We're just flirting, simply flirting."

 

I was slightly surprised at the response. Of course now I see that it is what it is and "just flirting" is always the stepping stone to more. I told her I wanted to stop there and call it a night, saying I could handle it but I needed to make sure I could be okay and not hurt myself again like last time.

 

Today, she texted me asking a schedule-related question, I replied but I was brief. (I was busy.) Andddddddddddddddddddddddd then she calls me immediately and she's mad at me for being short with her. I explained myself and quickly got off the phone. I texted her and said "why's stuff have to always go this way? I don't like it when **** like this happens." She said "Well I talk to you one day and you're happy then the next time we talk you're miserable." (Which makes hardly any sense..)

 

I explained being busy again, in depth this time, and said I always enjoy talking to her. I said I was just being straightforward. She said ok, and that's the last we talked today. What I really wanted to say was that she's selfish in thinking that she's the only thing affecting my mood. I also hinted of having plans tonight, which I do

 

So there it is, usually i'd write another half-page about my feelings, but i'll leave that out of it. I'm just taking things one day at a time, but i'd love to break this cycle and be with her...

[AwptiK]

One more short point, one of those texts she sent me yesterday asked if I'd grab her book off the front counter and put it in the office. That book, is Chicken Soup, some Love edition... Doesn't seem hopeful at all for anything with me. And maybe she truly is done like she said when she ended things in November. Afterall, last time maybe I was just a week of attention and the talk of ex's and past dating is part of that.

 

:/