Dicky_fish's Coping log, or lack of...

[dicky_fish]

Well rather than having loads of seperate threads where I have various rants I thought I'd make a log so I have one place for it all. This whole coping with the break up is really not going very well at all...

 

I've been having a big old freak out for the last week or so, which came to a head on Saturday night where I got very drunk, very depressed, and when no one I was out with would listen to me I went and broke NC yet again. My ex is surprisingly nice whenever I do this so that wasn't much of a problem. My problem is I'm 7 months into this break up, been through several different therapists and I'm still having huge breakdowns.

 

I thought I was so much stronger than this. While I was with her I always thought that if we were to split up I'd be fine, understand the order of things and move on but my god I'm struggling harder than I thought possible.

 

I know that it being Christmas is playing hugely on my mind, we split and got back together this time last year after having it out about our problems and resolved where we both wanted the relationship to go. Plus this is the first Christmas/New Year I'll have spent alone in 4 years and really don't know what to do with it.

 

Rant over for now but I dare say I'll be coming back to this thread a lot.

[Thieves]

Hey, Dicky Fish.

 

You know... honestly, I was kind of wondering before, when I saw a few of your posts/threads on the boards, when you were going to start a coping log for yourself -- or if you even wanted to, really.

 

Yet lo' and behold, here you are! I know I shouldn't seem so, for lack of a better word, 'happy' about the fact that you're suffering at the moment, which I'm not. At all. More that I'm glad to see you've started a journal because you're right, it often does help to have all of your thoughts, vents, and rambles in one spot. It makes it a lot easier to examine and document your progress, so I believe it's a wise decision.

 

I do hope you continue to post in your thread, as it's a bit like exercise: the more of a routine you get, the better. And of course, the more you do it, the more it'll really begin to help you out. I also hope you begin to feel a least a tad bit better as the days and weeks go on. With it being the holiday season and Christmas coming soon, it doesn't really make things that much easier to cope with right now, I know. But soon the holiday season will be done and over with, and you'll have a fresh new year to start with. I'm always quite bad at making New Years resolutions, but just the idea of starting from scratch with a whole new calendar can kind of be a refreshing idea.

 

But, as for how to spend this Christmas since it's one of your first in a while without a partner? Well. One of my suggestions is the most obvious one: friends and family. Really, even if you don't have a romantic partner to spend that time with, it really is a good thing to remember the people who are actually constants in your life, like family and friends. Even if they don't seem to be listening sometimes, they're always going to be there. They'll also be the ones who probably know you best and know you'll get past this, because they've seen it before, which is something to really value -- especially during a break-up.

[dicky_fish]

Thanks Thieves.

 

On to today's rant.

 

I posted earlier on in The Dovic's thread about how people are feeling that I just feel totally lost. That I have no sense of who I am and what my place in the world is anymore. It's a quest I thought I had an answer to and was really happy with and I really don't want to go looking for it again.

 

I just have no drive what-so-ever! I think a good analogy would be I'm like an old sea gallion that's becalmed in large open waters. Nothing to see for miles around but a vast void and not a hint of wind in the air.

 

And to further extend the analogy I HATE SAILING! And I resent most, if not all of the people I'm sailing with. I've spent my life trying to get away from them and I'm now totally stuck where I really don't want to be without a clear view as to how to get away from them.

[dicky_fish]

F*cking hell I've got some of the flakiest friends in the world! Been texting people for days about things to do over Christmas and all the ones I actually give a crap about and want to spend time with have completely blown me off!

[dicky_fish]

Good god I hate being in this city and hanging out with the people I do. They're so f*cking fickle and flakey! Although I was talking to one of my oldest friends tonight and was telling him about how I'm too emotional and always wear my heart on my sleave, and I'm just not going to be "one of the lads" and he actually said to me that he enyied me being in that position! That the only way to true happiness is being the way I am and not putting up some bullsh*t pretense.

 

Sorta nice end to a crappy day. But still I come home alone wishing I was somewhere but not here...

[dicky_fish]

Well I had a fairly emotional Christmas eve and day; once again ended up with the friends I don't really like on Christmas eve and got really hammered, so much so that I was crying all the way on the walk home and for a good 20 minutes of that I was drunkenly talking to two horses, but I messaged one of the few people who actually put up with me over all this but she disappeared from facebook as I was mid rant and I exploded at her for leaving me while I really needed her. Totally the wrong person to be directing my anger at. Then never in a million years did I ever think I'd spend part of a Christmas day sat on my own on my living room floor sobbing my eyes out. And, of course I broke No Contact with the ex texting her and the family merry Christmas. It's been pretty tough. But things have taken a dramatic turn in my healing process:

 

I went out with two of my oldest and closest friends last night (Boxing Day), one of whom is the ex girlfriend from 10 years ago who exploded at me a few months ago for being so pathetic over everything, and the other my friend who I exploded at on Christmas eve. I apologised profusely to said friend and she said she really didn't mind and understood what I must have been going through. I didn't get an apology from the other though. We all had quite a good night, very much like old times really and it was something I needed. Now, there's always been something in the air between me and the old ex. In the 10 years since we broke up we've became the best of friends but there's always been a sort of sexual tension between the two of us because we never got that far, it was never acted on because once we got over "the ex" phase we were never single at the same time to act on any impulses we may have had for each other. Last night was the first time we'd ever been in the same place and both single, maybe it might have happened. It didn't. I ended up going home with the other friend and after some chatting we ended up having sex. I didn't feel great about it, and neither did she, but afterwards we talked about it and said it was a one time thing and we won't talk about it again.

 

We spent today together hanging out as normal which made me feel loads better, and I got home with a strange sense of liberation. I've taken one of the first really big steps in really getting over my current ex. It remains to be seen how this might pan out. It could be a massive mistake, but I'm feeling strangely good right now.

[dicky_fish]

Upon further reflection last night's actions were a massive mistake!

 

There are so many levels of guilt running through my head right now I don't know what to do with it.

 

I'd gone a full 7 months without sex, and was feeling that I needed to rebound, but oh my god it should not have been with one of my oldest and dearest friends! And it was awful. Not enjoyable at all for either one of us. And I knew whilst we were doing it that it was a mistake and I should have stopped myself before we got beyond groping.

 

I've potentially ruined a great friendship (one of the very few I have) and now my ex is at the forefront of my mind again. My actions last night have changed things for good. I've become one of those people I swore I'd never be; just using someone like they were a piece of meat. And I couldn't feel more sorry for my friend. She has told me about her sex life before and looking at her last night I've just added to her massive sense of unfulfillment.

 

I posted not so long since about me feeling like I'm in a dead calm. That quiet ocean just got a lot larger and a lot lonelier, with a potentially massive downward spiral heading my way...

Edited December 28, 2011 by dicky_fish

[dicky_fish]

Man I feel really disgusted with myself right now. Like a real dirty kind, no matter how much I wash myself. I thought when I eventually had sex I would feel released from my ex, that I wouldn't need her anymore and that'd be it; I'd be free. Instead she's now in my head even moreso because of what I did. Probably because I broke my promise to myself about how I would go about it. I'd intended for the next person I slept with to be someone who I had pulled, and was much more beautiful than my ex. Neither of those things happened. This was as a result of being drunk and sharing a bed with a friend that just got out of hand, and nothing against my friend, she is very beautiful in her own right, but I've always seen her more as a sister so there wasn't much there. And what I did just so is not me! I feel like a warped monster version of who I once was. I was an honourable person with values, but now I just feel tainted. I posted a few months ago about knowing why I wasn't moving on, that I was afraid of letting out a monster because of what I'd start to feel for my ex, I've been surpressing it because I know there's no way back if I do let it out. But I'm starting to see what this is doing to me. That impossible anger that will eventually strangle the grief, until the memory of her will be just... poison in my veins. And one day, I'll catch myself wishing the Fi I loved had never existed. So I'd be spared my pain.

 

God this year has been awful! I was talking to my actual sister earlier tonight as she's going through some crap right now too, and we both said we wished we could go back a year in time to stop the events of 2011 from ever happening.

 

I would love it if some of my friends on here would give me some input, or at least some support on this cause I really feel like sh*t right now.

Edited December 29, 2011 by dicky_fish

[dicky_fish]

And to cap everything off I've now got a cold so that's me gonna be ill over New Year!

[dicky_fish]

I keep hearing this song, and I wish I could scream the words at my ex...

"Un-break My Heart"

Don't leave me in all this pain

Don't leave me out in the rain

Come back and bring back my smile

Come and take these tears away

I need your arms to hold me now

The nights are so unkind

Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

 

Un-break my heart

Say you'll love me again

Undo this hurt you caused

When you walked out the door

And walked out of my life

Un-cry these tears

I cried so many nights

Un-break my heart

My heart

 

Take back that sad word good-bye

Bring back the joy to my life

Don't leave me here with these tears

Come and kiss this pain away

I can't forget the day you left

Time is so unkind

And life is so cruel without you here beside me

 

Un-break my heart

Say you'll love me again

Undo this hurt you caused

When you walked out the door

And walked out of my life

Un-cry these tears

I cried so many nights

Un-break my heart

My heart

 

Don't leave me in all this pain

Don't leave me out in the rain

Bring back the nights when I held you beside me

 

Un-break my heart

Say you'll love me again

Undo this hurt you caused

When you walked out the door

And walked out of my life

Un-cry this tears

I cried so many, many nights

Un-break my

 

Un-break my heart oh baby

Come back and say you love me

Un-break my heart

Sweet darlin'

Without you I just can't go on

Can't go on....

[dicky_fish]

I had wanted to post this on NewYears Eve, but with this site down for that time here it is, a little late...

 

So the 2011 check list:

 

I was cheated on. CHECK

I was dumped. CHECK

I was made redundant. CHECK

I was lied to on several different occasions by some of the people I thought I could trust the most. CHECK

Had several suicide attempts. CHECK

Been through no more than 5, that's right, 5 therapists. CHECK

Alienated so many of my closest friends to the point of losing them. CHECK

Every single job I applied for was met with the response "You're not quite experienced enough" (AKA: not good enough): CHECK

Completely lost all self confidence I had. CHECK

Basically everything I'd been building towards for my entire adult life collapsed all around me. CHECK

And to cap it off I saw in the New Year with a bloody cold!

 

The upshot of all this? I found out who and what was most important to me and I am not letting go of that. I can rebuild. And most importantly I survived! I went through all that and I'm still breathing. I understand now what people meant when they said I'd come out of all this stronger.

 

2011 was the worst year of my life and it can f*ck right off.

 

Bring it on 2012!

[dicky_fish]

I think things are finally starting to soften out a little.

 

I still miss my ex like hell, but I've found I'm not thinking about her very much these days, and when I do I usually post on here. It's little things that bring her back; like I was in the bathroom earlier and when I turned on the tap I had a quick flashback to running her a bath every time I went round to her flat while she was ill. It hurt a bit, but it just brought a smile to my face in the end.

 

I'm taking advantage of these good mood swings because I don't know when the next bad one will hit.

 

 

In other news I had a really fit girl flirting with me yesterday, although it didn't dawn on me that she was until after I'd left the shop she was working in *facepalm* If I'd had the guts I would have walked back in and asked her out. Ah well, might have to find an excuse to go shopping again...

[dicky_fish]

I've been having a think recently about the circumstances I'm in. When I was younger and still in school I was always an outsider, never really fit in with many people at school. I was into rock and heavy metal and my big hobbies were acting and drama, whereas most of my friends were into football and video games. Through the drama group I used to go to I got my first girlfriend at aged 13 and that relationship made me grow up a lot quicker than the rest of the people I hung around with. As we progressed into our late teens before heading off to university I got introduced to one of my best friends external group of friends, most of whom were a year older than us, and all I could ever really think of was how much of a bunch of lazy, moronic knobheads they all were. I never particularly got on well with any of them and made many efforts to be free of them. I finally achieved that when I went away to university, and I was finally free to express who I was without fear of being ridiculed by my so called "friends".

 

The break-up from my girlfriend happened 3 months prior to me being made redundant and my pit of depression got quite bad after all that, as I realised I had been neglecting my friends at home, I even posted on here about how happy I was I'd reconnected with them after the break-up. But I've remembered now exactly why I wanted to get away from these people in the first place; I hate them. None of them ever change. Their outlook on life has always been seeing where the next pint is coming from and that's it. They all live in this little bubble they've made for themselves and I just don't want to be part of that because I see something bigger and better than that. They in turn realise this, one of them in particular, and strive to bring me down to their level, because if they can't achieve anything - neither can anyone else.

 

With these people I genuinely do not feel comfortable or safe. Case in point being last night: The whole of the lads crew were out for a stagg party which I'd been invited out on but would be turning up late to as I was at my sister's 21st party beforehand, I told the guy organising it when I'd be out and I'd call him when I was in the vecinity of where they were. I get there, call him, and find that they'd moved on to another part of the city completely without thinking beforehand to let me know of this change. I ended up getting a taxi by myself to where they were. I spent a fair bit of the night making sure my best friend was still concious as he was totally wasted. End of the night comes and the guy who'd organised it all had neglected to book enough taxis for us all to get home and sure enough I was one of the forgotten ones. I foolishly told someone about it earlier on who went and told the organiser, who is quite possibly the biggest bullsh*tter and sh*t stirrer I've ever met who is now making a mountain out of a molehill. These are the most selfish and one dimensional thinking people I've ever met and I cannot wait for the moment where I can burn these bridges once and for all!

 

But it's this line of thinking that's lead me down a bit of an interesting road. On further reflection I only moved back home after university because my girlfriend had just moved their to do a Masters degree. My main goal in life has always been to get away from this city and the people in it because I know I'm better than that. Now, oddly enough that year I spent with her in my home city was the best of times. I loved that time and it's when I realised I wanted to marry her, but from one point of view I should never have let that happen. I should have split up with her and stayed away from home but I didn't because I was in love.

 

It's odd that I wouldn't have missed that time for the world, but thanks to it I'm now stuck in the one place I really don't want to be.

[dicky_fish]

There's one word that's just been spinning around in my head for the last few days: "Failure"

 

It's what I am.

 

I've failed in my love life, failed in my social life, failed in my career.

 

My mum asked me to tidy my room yesterday because it would give me a sense of self respect back and all I could think of was "what's the point?"

 

Here I am; I hit 24 in 6 weeks and I feel like I've got nothing to show for it. I was pondering the supposed atributes of the clean slate I've been given, and I just don't want it. 24 and having to start everything again!? What's the point? I put in my second post in this thread that I just feel totally lost. That I have no sense of who I am and what my place in the world is anymore. It's a quest I thought I had an answer to and was really happy with and I really don't want to go looking for it again. I still feel that way because my every endevour has lead me back to this point - the one place in my life I swore I would never go back to. Yeah, I may have depended on my ex for some of that life, but not all of it. I know what my problem is too: I have the mentality of someone years older than my actual age. And it's something I've always had really, people would often jest about me being an old man during my teens. I thought I had a handle on it when I was at university as I finally fit in with like-minded people, and then my ex came along who was the perfect match for me as she was 18 months older than me (turns out her mental age was of an 18 year old!). Now, when I was younger I shrugged off any negative feelings I might have had because I knew it was only a matter of time before I could be free, be myself, and strive to be my all. Now in my head I'm too old to make a difference. FAILURE!

 

In my last post I said of myself being a social outcast, I've always craved the approval of everyone - never wanted to be disliked, and knowing that I can't go back to the place where I had what I'd always wanted is soul destroying. In some ways I see myself as JD from Scrubs...

 

I think this comes from my inability to handle confrontation, and I can't do that because I'm quite slow-witted. I've got A.D.D so concentrating can be a huge challenge and if I'm met with a put down I don't have the confidence to come back so I'll always shy away. I've always aspired beyond this but I could never manage it. FAILURE!

 

There's one quote that has stuck with me ever since I heard it about 7 years ago. It's from an adaptation of The Hound Of The Baskervilles where the character Laura Lyons is talking about her husband and why he is a depressed artist. She says:

 

"He has the vision of genius, but only a third rate talent"

 

 

That phrase just sums me up. I have lots of grand ideas, but don't have the means to bring them to fruition. I listen to music, read lyrics, watch performances and dream of being able to do the same, but someone has already done those things better than I could ever do, so what's the point?

 

There'll be more to come later as there's lots about my ex I want to communicate but this post isn't right for that. In the mean time could someone post something in here to bolster my spirits? Someone like Theives or TheJiltedGeneration's input would be greatly appreciated.

Edited January 13, 2012 by dicky_fish

[dicky_fish]

Anyone???? I'm on a depression spiral from hell right now!

[Pens55]

Hi dicky fish, I just happened to stumble on your thread and I thought you were just journaling. However, your last post indicates you wouldnt mind a comment here and there.

 

I can sympathize with you. I am going through a rough time myself and I dont have the support structure that I once had. I know everyone on here will recommend to "go out and meet new people", but I understand that might not be something you are up to at the moment.

 

While I'm not that bad now, I remember the days where I had no desire to do anything. I have been through it a couple times and there is one thing I have learned - a depressed state always comes to an end. This alone can help so much...knowing that there will eventually be happiness again.

 

If there is something specific you would like to talk about, please let me know. I would be happy to help you talk through some issues and Im sure others would too. I'll keep an eye on your thread, and I can usually respond in less than a day.

 

Just know you are not alone!

[dicky_fish]

Thanks Pens55. I'm just glad of people's input on this so I don't just have to listen to my own head.

[dicky_fish]

Tonight's post is posing the big question in my head that has had me crying in a ball every day for almost a week now:

 

What did I do to make myself so inherently unlikable?

 

I actually can't remember the last time someone outside of my family volunteraly spoke to me or messaged me without me being the instigator. Ever since I was dumped my phone has been more or less silent, I don't get messages on Facebook, and on the occasions when I do go out I'm always just left to my own devices because no one wants to talk to me. I know that it swings both ways, but I'm always the one to make the effort. Just tonight I messaged out to see if anyone wanted to go to the cinema with me and I just got a blanket silence so I ended up going by myself. What a fun experience that is...

 

I actually don't understand this. I've never been nasty to anyone, I try to be nice all the time and am fiercly loyal as a friend, although I do have my quirky side - I love science fiction and prog rock, and sometimes I can have a serious case of foot-in-mouth syndrome, but that's part of my quirks. My ex was the only person to fully accept all my "warts" but she eventually cottoned on to the fact she would be so much better off without me, as everyone else always has done in the end. I thought I was a lovely person with a heart of gold, but it turns out I'm not. I'm just short, podgy, ugly and obviously unlovable.

 

Is a little normality too much to ask for?

 

I know people on here would say "get out there" or "just do the things that make you happy" or the worst of them all "just concentrate on you" but when all hope and self confidence is gone, and the things that used to make me happy no longer do, and the idea of concentrating on myself just leads back to knowing I'll be on my f*cking own because whenever I've tried to be who I want to be it always comes crashing down, what do you do?

 

It seems ironic that I was watching one of my favourite comedians - Dylan Moran - last night and he did a little skit on male PMS that made me laugh, but at the same time there was an undertone of bitter understanding, it went like this:

 

"Every time I try and do something for myself you carbonise and then sh*t on my dreams... Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?"

Edited January 15, 2012 by dicky_fish

[Pens55]

Im sorry that these thoughts are going through your head, but I believe that a lot of them are probably not totally valid (lol that sounds awful, but its not meant to be mean).

 

What I am saying is that once you are dumped, its very easy to criticize yourself and magnify every single fault you may (or may not) have. One thing I tried when I was pretty depressed, as stupid as this may sound, was to keep a piece of paper with me at all times and write 1 positive statement every hour. Try to focus on positive things about you, not things like "its sunny out." Or, even write down a negative thought and dispell it. Its not a cure all, but I found it to be helpful in looking at things objectively and also training myself to be more optimistic.

 

In regard to your social situation, have you tried to call your friends rather than text? Maybe they dont truely understand how you are feeling right now. Or do people have a "go-to" hangout that you can almost assume they are there? If they do, why not drop by and just insert yourself...Ive resorted to that in the past, and while its not the most comfortable thing, it often has pretty decent results.

 

Again, whenever you need to vent, I'll be here to listen.

[dicky_fish]

I dreamt about her last night. Haven't done that in a while. I really miss her and the life we were building together. She got all of that life and me with nothing but memories and a broken soul.

[dicky_fish]

You know ever since I put up my last post in this log I've been thinking about what I said.

 

Sure I got a broken heart out of this relationship, but that's happened before and I mended myself. But the more I thought about it I was right, not just being poetic, I have got a broken soul.

 

The very essence of me is completely shattered, and I've got no experience or knowledge of how to mend this part.

 

I'm a shell, or a shadow of who I once was. And I'm seriously questioning if I can get that man back. The main thing being that I'm still totally in love with my ex, the notion of that sounds crazy even to me, but it's true. I'm still in love with her and I don't know (and there a big part of me that doesn't even want) to break that. How can I get close to someone else with these feelings still there?

 

Starting with therapist number 5 on Thursday so maybe she can help me shed some light on things.

[dicky_fish]

Now here's a strange curio:

 

I'm actually jealous of the people on here who've recently been contacted by their exes!

 

I'd love the battle with breadcrumbs; just so I could regain a little of my confidence back, or to know I actually did mean something to her. Or of course the dream scenario - a reconciliation.

[dicky_fish]

It's really cold here in my house and I'm all alone.

 

I never used to particularly feel the cold, my ex always refered to me as "the human radiator" because of my ability to store heat. I'm not feeling that much anymore.

 

God, I miss her!

 

And at the same time I can feel the anger burning away because of what she's done to me and where it's left me.

 

Just to see her face again as I'd get home to our flat and we'd snuggle up together under a duvet with her resting in to my shoulder nook...

[TheJiltedGeneration]

 

 

I think this comes from my inability to handle confrontation, and I can't do that because I'm quite slow-witted. I've got A.D.D so concentrating can be a huge challenge and if I'm met with a put down I don't have the confidence to come back so I'll always shy away. I've always aspired beyond this but I could never manage it. FAILURE!

 

There's one quote that has stuck with me ever since I heard it about 7 years ago. It's from an adaptation of The Hound Of The Baskervilles where the character Laura Lyons is talking about her husband and why he is a depressed artist. She says:

 

"He has the vision of genius, but only a third rate talent"

 

[/left]

 

Sorry it took me a while to get back to ya, I have been attempting to hold back the tide of backsliding abit back here so been trying to work on keeping myself at least contented ( heh... though retail therapy has got abit out of hand + the dieting I am doing is making me clench my paunch belly for dear life) . but yea I'll try and give some sort of decent two cents or maybe suggest something I've been doing.

 

 

I am kind of anti social here too, got surface friends but nothing that is'nt beyond being skin deep, but as I don't have may commitments socially, I guess I've tried to use that time to try to be proactive.

 

I go jogging and stuff at 6am in the morn for a a hour which I do have a slight reluctance to do at first but find it gives me a slight boost to do things afterwards. I will admit that as the day goes on the feelings of apathy do start to encompass the rest of the day, but at least I get a slight boost to do things ( read, learn japanese, ect). the hardest part is to keep it going. I've cut down on unhealthy foods too, but nothing too strict, however I find things like chocolate, coffee, ect, are decent pick me ups for a while but then as the day goes on I get more and more deflated physically afterwards ( could be cause the serotonin from the choco).

 

 

obviously this is typical advice but I guess I want to become more self-aware (but not navel-gaving.. if that makes sence) and work on self improvement,

 

you said you have very bad attention span, which sounds similar to my case, but I wonder if that area of thought is occupied by thoughts of how well your ex or people around you are doing ( which seems to be my case at least), it's hard to channel that plane of thinking down to just what you need to do when everyone else seems to be on some sort of higher strata (not sure if this is how you feel sorry if I am going out on a limb) but maybe start small ( going to bed earlier, that kind of stuff) then build on it ( maintaining is the hardest part)

 

*sigh* I am sorry if the advice is a few shades away from being really sketchy, as yea If I knew what to do m8 I would'nt be on this forum, I am trying a few self help books , which if they are useful I'll give you a link to them, but yea It's the case of me trying to be helpful when I am abit of a basketcase atm. but yea I guess atm I suggest just being active... (soz man I'll take a few things away and maybe give ya a better responce within the week, things have been weird back here).

[dicky_fish]

Thanks Jilted, just the fact you responded is of comfort. I hope you don't feel too much of a basketcase for much longer.

 

I'm trying out an NHS cousellor tomorrow, just to see what it's like as I've already got a private counsellor as of last week. The irony being I got the private one cause I was sick of being on an NHS waiting list and as I was on my way to the first appointment the NHS rang me to schedule me in! Do they say shrinks are like buses...?

 

I'm not too comfortable with self help books cause of a stigma I've got about them. Plus I can't rely on myself to actually go through with the self help activities in the books.

 

One thing I refuse to do though is change who I am through aesthetic changes. I had long hair and dressed like a rocker long before my ex came along and I'm damned if I'm going to let her take my sense of identity away from me. It's all part of the notion that I now have a "clean break" and can become a "new me" - but I didn't ask for that so why the hell should I go along with it? This break up is going to change an awful lot of my personal dynamics, but I am not giving her the power to completely destroy all that I became during my time with her. Just going to improve on what she left behind; a flat stomach being the main thing.