Dicky_fish's Coping log, or lack of...

[dicky_fish]

I've actually got a pretty full week ahead of me for once, and not one minute of it is going to be spent with my "friends"! I'm actually seeing proper friends, the people I actually want to see. I'm going away for the weekend too.

 

There's only one little problem. One of these people is the friend of my ex. Tomorrow we're meeting up for our first D&D night (Dinner & Dexter) this year, and when I was thinking of what to get for us to eat I had to think really long and hard about meals that were different to what me and my ex would have had. I've thought of something, but it does make me feel uneasy sometimes that I have to put that much thought into spending time with a person, because she's so like my ex that I could easily fall into the trap of using this person as a semi-replacement.

 

Fi is still present though - lurking around in the back of my mind, coming to the forefront at random times. I was in a supermarket earlier and it felt just like being on one of my shopping trips I'd make for going round to the flat. I really miss my home with her. And there's also the annoying want for her to break NC. I'm nearly on a month now and I'm determined to keep going (if somewhat begrudgingly). I've seen a lot of people on here recently having their exes contact them, for good or for bad, and I find I'm craving that validation that I do actually matter to her. Crazy!

[TheJiltedGeneration]

Thanks Jilted, just the fact you responded is of comfort. I hope you don't feel too much of a basketcase for much longer.

 

I'm trying out an NHS cousellor tomorrow, just to see what it's like as I've already got a private counsellor as of last week. The irony being I got the private one cause I was sick of being on an NHS waiting list and as I was on my way to the first appointment the NHS rang me to schedule me in! Do they say shrinks are like buses...?

 

I'm not too comfortable with self help books cause of a stigma I've got about them. Plus I can't rely on myself to actually go through with the self help activities in the books.

 

One thing I refuse to do though is change who I am through aesthetic changes. I had long hair and dressed like a rocker long before my ex came along and I'm damned if I'm going to let her take my sense of identity away from me. It's all part of the notion that I now have a "clean break" and can become a "new me" - but I didn't ask for that so why the hell should I go along with it? This break up is going to change an awful lot of my personal dynamics, but I am not giving her the power to completely destroy all that I became during my time with her. Just going to improve on what she left behind; a flat stomach being the main thing.

 

yea the whole "self help" kind of avenue do attach a generalized way of dealing with things, but I guess I wana try and inundate myself with all this happy clappy stuff to see if it rubs of on me I guess ( I am known to be a bit of a cynical b*stard boarder-lining nihilistic >.>). I guess I've never tried this before and wer'nt really secure with myself beforehand anyway, so wana see if altering the exterior aspects might lead onto altering the interior.

 

but yea, not to damn with faint praise or nothing (hard to phrase without sounding too flattering) but its really good that you have a sence of self, and a standard regarding not allowing her to completely break you beyond the foundations. Your pride in your identity definitely shows this, something I kind of lacked when I started and when I went through this. Keep a hold of it..

[dicky_fish]

The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men. Gang aft agley.

 

The trip away this weekend had to be cancelled!

 

I've been quite up-beat since Tuesday, spending nearly every day with friends and seeing 2 shrinks and had a surprisingly good night last night. I really enjoyed myself actually. But as often with highs must come the lows and by christ I've been feeling it today.

 

These are the days where she was the centre of my world. I would have gone round to hers and it be perfect. I just spent today in bed in a sort of semi-sleep state, dreaming and imagining at the same time, almost as if my mind put me into an unconcious "happy place" where I'm free of the real world.

 

I miss her a lot today.

 

Force feeding myself chocolate to keep the endorphines up.

[Exit]

Glad to hear you're doing better. It's normal to feel like you're on a rollercoaster at this point, and the good days will be met with some bad ones too. I've become very familiar with the semi-sleep state you speak of, many days when I wake up even when I know my body is ready to get out of bed I just don't want to, and I force myself back into that half-awake state for as long as I can.

[Sugarkane]

Hi Dicky I can totally relate! I hope you keep seeing a counsellor. I lost all motivation after BU too. I was seriously depressed. I even took blades from work. I always felt a bit like an outsider too, even though I had friends. I see you share same interests as me! I can totally relate, I'm the same age as you and I feel like I have to start over again aswell.

[Sugarkane]

You sound like a really cool guy. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know that can be easyily said than done!

[dicky_fish]

Sugarkane it's always nice to know there are people like me (in regards to interests) although they all appear to be on the other side of the world! I should go live in Australia, although I'm sure I'd be how Ed Byrne describes goths in Australia!

 

I've always wanted to be cool, and I think for a time I was. But the best way of summing me up is Paul Rudd's character in I Love You Man. I'm like him in every single way - right down to the Rush fanaticism (Actually I could never move to Australia while Rush are still touring as they never go there!)

 

You're right though, not being hard on myself is easier said...

Edited January 29, 2012 by dicky_fish

[dicky_fish]

Not wanting to lower the tone or anything, but at the same time I'm not one to stand on ceromony either so here goes...

 

I think I've hit another stage to healing in that I'm really really horny. Sure I can paint myself as shy etc, but underneath all that beats the heart of a red-blooded (and somewhat kinky) man! And I've got animal desires just like everyone else that need to be satisfied! When I was with my ex the world used to split in half during some of our intimate sessions. It was amazing! And going a long time without that can really leave me... frustrated!

 

I really miss the feel of another person on my skin. I mean christ I haven't been kissed since the day me and her parted ways!

 

To quote Charlotte from Sex and the City "sometimes I just really wanna be f*cked!"

 

The down side of this is I can't imagine it with anyone else but her, she's still all I desire. That last time we had sex is forever burned into my brain and it isn't going away

Edited January 31, 2012 by dicky_fish

[dicky_fish]

Well I had an interesting night last night to say the least. Finally confronted a demon from my past. I was talking to my old boss's girlfriend and I finally plucked up the courage to tell her exactly what I think of her boyfriend and how he ruined any sense of a personal life I had when I worked for him and he was the reason me and my ex started to split because he never left me alone. When I started working for him in October 2010 he had me and the rest of the staff working well beyond our contracted hours and basically ruled through fear with an iron fist. We all went along with it because we were scared of him and of losing our jobs. But with me in particular he was relentless. I'd work 12-14 hour shifts and when I went back to my girlfriend's flat for the night or on my days off he'd phone me and talk about work for hours on end. My girlfriend hated it and I know it was the beginning of the end for us. It felt so good to let someone close to him know exactly how I felt, and I told his girlfriend that I'm done with him, I don't consider him a friend at all.

 

I really wish I'd found this confidence about 14 months ago as even though the outcome with my ex probably would have still been the same, the circumstances in which they happened would have been markedly different. Ah well - you live, you learn.

[dicky_fish]

Things were going so well!

 

I was starting to feel more like the old me again, I got an offer of a job interview for next week and today I went to what I thought was a work experience placement but it's turned out to be paid work, I'm meeting up with my uni friends tomorrow. Everything should be fine but I was just out at a bar and had to leave to get the last bus home due to lack of money and while I was waiting me and the two young lads next to me at the bus stop got attacked by three skin heads. They beat seven bells of sh*te out of one of the kids and tried setting my hair alight! God that was scary!

 

I'm home safe and sound but I'm having a massive freak out right now! I was doing so well, but now I'm obsessing about everything. First thing that popped into my head was my ex. How that wouldn't have happened if she were there etc and now I'm all nervous about tomorrow cause I don't want to be in a depressive state with my friends.

 

Why is it when things start to go right again it all has to come crashing down!? This is the closest I've come to breaking NC in a long time!

[dicky_fish]

Well after the attack on Friday I was somewhat shaken, but fine. I reported it to the police and I've got to give a formal statement at the local station tomorrow afternoon.

 

Had to get up early on Saturday morning as I decided I was having my hair cut as I'd hit the point where I wanted a change (for anyone who cares; I didn't get it all cut off, I'm just down to collar bone length) and then headed across to see my uni friends. All the anxiety about meeting up with them just washed away as soon as I came bounding out of the train station with a beaming smile on my face as I said to myself "I'm home!" I went shopping in the city and met up with my friends for our dinner party. My heart jumped for joy seeing them all again! We had our party, talked and talked about everything and nothing, drank a stupid amount of wine! At one point I went to the toilet and it just dawned on me this was the first time since the break up where I was genuinely happy. But at that point my depression decided to jump out of nowhere and it hit me that the night was coming to an end. What was I going to do without this happiness? And I just fell apart. I was crying like a baby. Luckily my friends just knew what to do and they comforted me and let me talk. We all agreed last night that it is this group of people that is just so special to all of us, and how even though it had been 5 months since the last time we were together we all fell back into place as if it had been only a day that had passed. My realisation was that these truly are the people who matter to me because I do not have to hide who I am from them. The phrase I want to become my new mantra is "if you are yourself and people mind about who you are they don't matter, the people who matter are the ones that don't mind who you are"

 

Woke up this morning with the mother of all hangovers! Never ever had a hangover that bad before. Me and two of the girls sat in our pyjamas and watched a film together then it was time to leave. I wasn't sad though, because I felt secure again. Got on the train home still so hungover that I could only stomach half of my Burger King! But today's big story comes from the change in trains. I very nearly got killed! I had to run across the station to get my connecting train (it being Sunday I'd have had to wait another hour for another) and as I approached the train I slipped on the platform edge thanks to it being really wet and fell down onto the track inbetween the platform and the waiting train! I thumped into the side of it and I've now got quite badly bruised ribs and a huge cut on my leg. Luckily I got out really quickly because I thought the train was about to set off much to the shock and horror of my fellow passengers.

 

What an exciting weekend!

[dicky_fish]

So I ache like hell from my incident with the train last weekend. I've got really badly brusied, possibly cracked ribs and my torso is an interesting array of black, blue and purple, but otherwise I'm actually doing fine.

 

Valentine's day went without notice really. It was a Dinner & Dexter night with my friend anyway and we just had a nice time as usual. My ex did come up once in the conversation but it was only fleeting.

 

Thursday was excellent. I signed off from the dole and had a wonderful session with my shrink. I was telling her how concerned I was that I was still obsessing over my ex even though it was coming up to 9 months and she gave me something to think about with that; saying that the gestation period for a baby is 9 months followed by the birth, and maybe I should start to look at the petential re-birth of me. Gonna ponder on that one. I had a nice dinner date with a former work collegue after that meeting too so in all quite a good week.

 

My thoughts have drifted to my ex tonight though. My sister is going through some really bad sh*t in her life right now, she miscarried back in December and her personal life seems to be falling apart. I've always looked out for her but carrying this stuff about her is becoming a strain, but I can't give up on her. I just wish my ex was around cause we would often share each others family problems and that would be a huge comfort. Just wish I had someone to properly talk to about all this.

 

It's my birthday next week, and my mind keeps wandering to what if I hear from my ex on that day. Will she contact me or not? What will my reaction be either way?

[dicky_fish]

So, happy birthday to me.

 

It's quite telling that I've got an appointment with my shrink on my birthday, but I don't particularly care as it's helping me.

 

I'm going to try enjoy being 24. 23 was awful.

 

I have been noticing that I'm starting to get a little bit of female attention right now so not really sure what to do, if I'm ready for it etc etc. Might just take a leap of faith and go casually into something. Lord knows I could probably do with it!

 

The remaining question is what will my reaction be if my ex contacts me today. She'll have to do it by phone if she does as she's gone from my Facebook (any fresh dumpees who may be reading this - I cannot stress how much better it will be for you to get rid of them from social network site immediatly!). What will she say? What will I say in response? Will she even bother at all...?

 

She is not going to bring me down today though!

 

Happy Birthday to me!

[Numb79]

Things will get better. You just have to keep chugging along. I really understand where you are coming from. All my friends live two hrs away from me as well as my family. I too feel really alone at times....

Its going to be ok. My Ex broke up with me almost a month ago and I still struggle at times. Not to mention that I have a broken foot so I can't even go out to try and get my mind off things.

Just keep your head up.... know that this is just a "moment in time"

There was life before her.... and you better believe that there will be life after her!!

Just keep on posting if it helps you cope

[dicky_fish]

I've reached the point where I think I'm done with this site.

 

Many things have picked up so much for me over the last month that my life is getting back to "on track"

 

I have a new job doing something that I love and will be an excellent kick start for my career, my confidence is slowly starting to come back to normal and the work I'm doing with both my shrinks is building up me as a mature, feeling and understanding person and taking away my levels of neediness.

 

I'm also about to start dating again so my romantic feelings are going to have their first challenge which I want to face without the need of a website.

 

Loveshack has been a great help to me but it has served it's purpose. I am no longer dependant on this place. I see people on here who have an unhealthy dependance on here and I just don't want to become like those people. I prefer my life to be in the real world, not the virtual one. I suggest that mantra to anyone who has been here for too long. Get into the real world! (I think certain people will know who I'm talking about)

 

The best advice I've garnered from this place has been that you need to take your time with a break up. Feel every emotion and process them, if it becomes too bad get professional help, but know that your mind will bring you to where you want to be. Just give it time.

 

A huge thank you should go to the members of this site who have helped me; Thieves, Exit, TheJiltedGeneration, Pens55, Sugarkane and Buttercup84 - you are all saints who have given me comfort in dark times and lots to think about.

 

As for my ex... Well, she's still lurking around in my head, sort of. It's more the associated memories that came from her that I'm dealing with now. I admitted last week that I gave in to wanting to marry her because I thought I couldn't do better, not that she was that magical "one". I was settling, and I'm now battling the issues that caused it. I wouldn't have changed any of the time I had with her. I loved her with all my heart, and I'm glad she showed me I could do that. She just didn't deserve me in the end. If I have anything left to say to her it would be this:

 

"I get that we weren't right for each other, and probably shouldn't have gone on for as long as we did, but I did not deserve what you did to me and the subsequent things that put me through, so if you want to be my friend like you said you wanted to then you had better work bloody hard for it!"

 

Bye

[Exit]

Glad to hear you're doing good. There comes a time for all of us when we feel we probably don't need to visit the forums much anymore. Sounds like it's that time for you. I don't really come here to post about my situation anymore either, just visit when I'm bored and post in random threads. Let us know how you're doing sometime, I hope all those new doors that are opening up in your life will lead to great things.

[dicky_fish]

Well, it's worth one more post in here just to do a little venting in the private of the internet

 

Today is my ex's birthday. Now I sure as hell ain't going to contact her, 8 months NC and proud! But I do find myself wondering about her, what she's doing etc. As, to be honest, I still really miss her.

 

The angry part of my brain hopes she's miserable, but I can guess that she won't be. Bitch.

 

But I'm trying to approach my positives. I'm dating again, and what's more is I'm dating someone leagues better looking than my ex, certainly better than I ever thought in my wildest dreams I could get. But she isn't my ex. The history isn't there and I'm still not ready for a committed relationship, but it's nice to feel wanted again. I know most people on here would say run for the hills, be single, heal etc, but she's also in a similar boat to me emotionally and relationship wise, and we've talked about it. This isn't going anywhere. If anyone's seen The OC it's like when Seth is dating Alex; they acknowledge that they are "the one inbetween". The person that we need to be with to help us get through the remaining heartache.

 

It may be a big mistake, but life without mistakes is one that isn't lived.

 

I still have some massively unresolved anger issues but I'm still with my brilliant shrink and we will power through!

[Buttercup84]

Hey Dicky !

 

Thank you hun , didn't see this until now sorry .So glad you're doing well , I am very proud of you xoxx

[Sugarkane]

I love The OC reference brings back memories for me! Ryan *drool*

[dicky_fish]

You two Australian ladies were a fantastic support when I needed it. Maybe I should emigrate...

 

Well the new lass has been blowing really hot and cold so I'm going to back off (if somewhat reluctantly as she is really fit!) but this has had an adverse affect on my mood as the old questions of my worth came flooding back. Just means I still have things to work on in therapy

[dicky_fish]

I seriously didn't ever want to post here again but here I am!

 

Since my last post here I thought things had finally settled for me. The end of 2012 felt like a dream it was so good. I was made full time at work and started to make plan to move out of my parents and stand on my own two feet again. Just before Christmas I finished with my therapist because the two of us thought we'd come to a natural conclusion as I was doing so well!

 

Skip forward to now and I'm in my new flat and I've just been having constant flashbacks about my ex! They happen more often when I'm at work but they've started entering my dreams now. This is insane! It's coming up to two years since the break up but she just won't go despite the fact I've been no contact for well over a year!

 

My brain is always telling me that the life I'm living right now is nothing more than a huge lie, and I sure as hell aren't as happy or content as I thought I was. I still can't see a future that involves me being as happy or more as I was with her.

 

My friends are still absent! I'm always the one to start conversations and they never last long, and I'm never invited out! For the first time in a long time I cried myself to sleep because I just feel so alone.

 

And to cap it off I've been looking at the posts I made here months after the split and it just feels like I haven't changed at all. The same problems are still there!

 

Going back to my shrink this week to sort myself out!

Edited February 17, 2013 by dicky_fish