Time to sign papers but apprehensive

[tangledweb]

Hi,

 

I've been reading LS since I found it over a year ago, and although I've been lurking, I have learned so much from all of you. Now I'm trying to deal with the (last?) hurdle...

 

Super brief story:

W left last year. Pretty much caught her in Dec with OM, didn't see anything, but her admission made my skin crawl, my guts spill. Attempted to take the high road for our children, history, etc. Of course she said the CLASSIC words, ' why do you do this to yourself', 'friends', etc etc. In denial. Started to see the writing on the wall, and about Easter, those magic 4 words "I want a divorce". FForward to June, papers came from her. I've been coping, healing, getting out weekends. Now we have a fairly decent agreement written up, but of course, much of what I worked so hard so many years is going to her while she paints her toe nails at the OM's place.

 

Q: why am I so conflicted about signing the papers? I should be jumping for joy that this person who morphed in to a low lying cheating bitch is finally going to be legally gone.

 

Thoughts?

[Philosoraptor]

Probably because what you worked hard for is unfairly going to a cheat.

[Steen719]

The day that we had our papers notarized and sent off was one of the hardest days of my life. My XH was asking me not to send the papers, wanted to stay married; BUT was still in touch with the OW. I knew that he was scared of the future and was worried about himself, but the truth was and still is, he just wanted me to go on as if everything that had happened had not and I would just go back to being his doormat.

 

I knew I could not do it anymore, but it was still hard. As a matter of fact, I posted a thread then and one of the posters, Steadfast..maybe, said it is supposed to hurt. It is a divorce. So true. You should feel bad. Your marriage is ending and a "normal" person grieves for the end of a long term relationship built on trust, children and a life together. The reasons it is happening are valid and what other alternative is there right now?..none, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

 

You will feel better. I tell myself that every day. Best to you.

[carhill]

Q: why am I so conflicted about signing the papers?

 

You sign for the funeral to your marriage and family. A social construct officially dies that day.

 

TBH, I was so tired of the legal foulups that, by the time we signed and notarized the MSA, I was happy as a pig in shyte to get it done. I remember very specifically getting the signatures notarized, going to the courthouse with exW to file everything, stopping by the crematory after that to pick up my mom's remains and then taking exW to lunch. It was a great day for me. Letting go of the good and bad in my life in one fell swoop.

 

Good luck.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Q: why am I so conflicted about signing the papers? I should be jumping for joy that this person who morphed in to a low lying cheating bitch is finally going to be legally gone.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

Think of it like a stock in which you invested. You researched it, did whatever it took to establish some 'value' in your original position, and then you took the plunge. (at what we're going to say was $100 per share)

 

 

It went up for a while... then plateaued somewhere, then eventually began to fall.

 

It pierced through the $100 floor, down to $80... then to $70...

 

One day when it was $42 a share you were forced to give serious consideration to selling the stock.

 

Normal psychology tugs at your sleeve assuring that the ONLY way you can seemingly get 'even' on that prior investment you once made, is by holding on through thick and thin, even though that horse probably left the barn ages ago.

 

 

While you still have $42 of good, useful money (per share), the wise move would be to research better places to invest that $42 while cutting ties to that old, fallen-down stock.

[tangledweb]

Philosoraptor : True words, that is certainly a part of it.

 

Steen719: You reply makes so much sense. I guess with all the people harping on the injustice, and how relived I must be, I forgot that it is supposed to hurt. And it does hurt, for me and my 18 & 21 yr old kids. Add in Christmas and all the perfect family expectations, yes the most wonderful time of the year. I guess you just don't erase 20+ years of family, memories & tradition, the day the papers are signed. How obvious, yet it eluded me.

 

carhill: I'm going to hold your story as 'it could always be worse'. I should be thankful I'm only putting one life event to rest at this time. I cannot imagine mingling the feelings of loss and separation with more loss & separation.

 

SincereOnlineGuy: Good analogy. I did invest everything in the relationship. It was my life. I have held the stock that I loved, for real, and had similar angst. I researched the company, watched it thrive, then one day had to sell, way below what I perceived it to be worth. You are right. I wanted the marriage to be worth more, I'd invested sooooo much. The reality stinks, it is now but a penny stock.

 

Thank you for your replies. Oddly it is the cool thinking objective advice from relative strangers that often makes a lot of sense. Close friends have agendas to soften the hurt, or tell you how awful a person she is. They mean well, but, sometimes well wishing is not what I need.

 

I have an appointment on Thursday with the lawyer, I think I'm ready.

 

Merry Christmas, and good holidays to you all. I pray next year will be better.

[tangledweb]

I went to the lawyer's office. I hesitated. Pretended to reread over some clauses about financial distribution. But, in my mind I was thinking, this is it. The end of my little nuclear family unit. The end of an era 20 + years of scrimping and sacrifice, laughter and tears. Then I was struck with that old saying: If you love something set it free..... and though I don't trust her worth a damn, and really really hate what she has done, there is a part of me that will always love the mother of my kids just a little. With several stokes of a pen, I gave her my final gift. My marriage is over. (I got choked up just typing that now.) I could have dragged it out. The lawyers certainly would have appreciated that.

 

Yeah, it hurt as you predicted. First time in months the tears streamed almost like that first month. I never wanted this. I will always wonder if I had it in me to fully forgive her, had she tried to reconcile. The 'what ifs' are like torture.

 

2012, a New Year. I know this year has all the promise of new beginnings, I need to have faith that things will eventually be ok. Everyone says it gets better, and they are right. Last year it was all I could do to force myself to get a tree for the kids. This year I have Christmas lights up, and decorations and a tree. It has gotten easier, the constant knot in my stomach finally went away. I could hardly talk to someone without getting a lump in my throat. I've regained most of the weight I lost when I didn't eat. I know I will survive. Only time will tell how well I survive.

[frustratedandtired]

I went to the lawyer's office. I hesitated. Pretended to reread over some clauses about financial distribution. But, in my mind I was thinking, this is it. The end of my little nuclear family unit. The end of an era 20 + years of scrimping and sacrifice, laughter and tears. Then I was struck with that old saying: If you love something set it free..... and though I don't trust her worth a damn, and really really hate what she has done, there is a part of me that will always love the mother of my kids just a little. With several stokes of a pen, I gave her my final gift. My marriage is over. (I got choked up just typing that now.) I could have dragged it out. The lawyers certainly would have appreciated that.

 

Yeah, it hurt as you predicted. First time in months the tears streamed almost like that first month. I never wanted this. I will always wonder if I had it in me to fully forgive her, had she tried to reconcile. The 'what ifs' are like torture.

 

2012, a New Year. I know this year has all the promise of new beginnings, I need to have faith that things will eventually be ok. Everyone says it gets better, and they are right. Last year it was all I could do to force myself to get a tree for the kids. This year I have Christmas lights up, and decorations and a tree. It has gotten easier, the constant knot in my stomach finally went away. I could hardly talk to someone without getting a lump in my throat. I've regained most of the weight I lost when I didn't eat. I know I will survive. Only time will tell how well I survive.

 

Thank you for posting and sharing. After well over a year of hell and years of a bad path, I've filed and it should be finalized in the next month. I had actually been starting to feel pretty good. I'm sleeping, eating, hanging out with friends, and all around feeling good. Yes, he is still on my mind daily. I want to reach out. I play the what if game a lot too but then the reminders why creep in... they keep me resolved. It's still hard to do even knowing inside it's the right thing to do.

 

I have a feeling the strength I've built over the last few months is going to crumble and hard when the day comes. I'm actually hoping to take off for a solo weekend of camping when it does just to decompress and sob in my own way without someone telling me it's ok.

 

I'm glad I'm not paranoid though for thinking this will be a brutally emotional day and again, just thanks for sharing. Best of luck and keep on with your healing process. It sounds like you are doing good.

[tangledweb]

F&T -- I hope you post something when that day comes. There's something about sharing your thoughts & feelings that is very liberating. Sometimes things that are obvious to others is the one thing you're missing. There is so much experience here at LS. Sometimes wish I had stumbled upon it before I had to read/post in the Separation/Divorce forum. Maybe things would have been different. Ah but we can only move forward. Be strong & good luck to you.