Male perspective needed

[kourtney01]

From past experience I must say that I have never been able to share my heart between 2 people...It has always been just one person at a time.. but I know that not everyone is the same. That being said...

 

I was dating this guy for a little over 2 months.. I know it seems short but we progressed very very quickly.. I met his family...we were inseparable and we spent every day together... we also texted each other all day long and had talks about kids, marriage and moving to South America together. Obviously these things take time but I thought he was the one. I was engaged before him...and this is the first time since my ex I have been able to love again and open myself up to someone.. didn't even think that was possible while I was still getting over my ex in the past... but it happened and I couldn't have been happier.

 

So he's got this ex girlfriend of his that he says is a bit psychotic. When we first had the ex talk he seemed over her...he said she dumped him through text 6 months prior..and it was hard for him at first..but then she came back into his life and lied about being pregnant and harassed him for a while...and he got so turned off he was able to move on despite the lack of closure... they hadn't talked since with the exception of her calling him about a month before him and I met to see how he was doing.. he thought maybe one day they would be friends but he didn't care if it happened or not.

 

This guy never ever gave me a reason to worry. My ex fiancee had cheated on me so, since I have been through the experience, I can honestly say that I never felt a single thing wrong... that's until we changed our relationship statuses on FB.

 

I know his ex's name so I know she was never on his friend list when we were together. However, he told me he blocked her on FB and I don't think he did. Because right after we changed our facebook statuses to "in a relationship with ..." he began to get crank calls from a blocked number. He told me he was positive it was his ex because she had a habit of doing that in the past. (something he never mentioned before but I guess he had no reason to) And he was positive it had to do with his relationship status being changed on FB although "he had no idea how she found out" ...shortly after the calls started her and her immature friends tried to add me on FB! I told him about it and blocked them all.. he told me not to worry. (btw she's younger than me.. she's 23, I'm 25, he's 30)

 

Ok...what I'm about to say next..please don't judge me. I have no reason to lie on here since it's anonymous so I need to be as frank as possible to get an honest response...

 

I looked through her photos when she tried to add me...This girl was average looking at BEST. I am sooo much prettier than her! The only thing her and I have in common is our dark features...she's Persian, I'm Spanish. However, she looks like she comes from a lot of money..(Gucci, Prada etc) And all her photos were party photos at high-end clubs...with champagne bottles and diamonds and blah blah I don't know if that's what he is attracted to but her and I are total opposites... I don't party. I'm naturally beautiful..no make up, no fancy clothes. I come from a poor immigrant family that had to work very hard...and I'm very family oriented. And even though I'm only 25, I want to get married and have kids. I'm ready for it. I was ready for it with my ex too but he cheated. I cook she doesn't...he used to always tell me that he had to do everything while she whined all the time. I'm very fit..I dance Salsa professionally.. she drinks like a fish, she smokes.. and she eats a lot of chocolate (all things he has told me)

 

Now a bit about him.. he works out a lot..he's very fit. But he used to be really overweight so he has insecurity issues.. (I wonder if this played a factor in him being so hurt that she dumped him through text..did that make her more attractive to him?) He smokes too..so I guess they have that in common...I think he hated the fact that I didn't like the smell...He is also old school European and very family oriented.. he used to always tell me that he loved that about me..and how I'm the perfect woman..etc Him and I seemed like a much better match from everything he said.. but he also once told me that he is attracted to b***** ...and although I can be very stubborn and stern and dead set in my morals and values... I'm not a b****...in fact when I'm in love, I am over-the-top sweet (I also think that I need to change that about myself) Ok now that you know the background... this is what happened:

 

THe crank calls change his attitude,.. the last time we saw each other before the calls started.. he told me he had this urge to get me pregnant (we are both mature adults and we would never follow through without being married first) We made love like 20 times in one night and I felt so connected with him... literally DAYS later...he disappeared..didn't answer my calls..and started giving me excuses every day why he was too busy to talk... being cheated on before.. my gut was in overdrive.. I knew something was up.. a few days later he sent me a text basically telling me that his ex has been parked in front of his house for 3 days crying hysterically so he agreed to talk to her...and somehow they KISSED! And now he's confused and needs time to think...then he shuts off his phone for 3 days...I cried so hard..it hit me like a ton of bricks!!! I called him hundreds of times..nothing..no answer..then 3 days passed and I gave up... painfully trying to get through my days...it's been 4 weeks since then.

 

Ok..so the first 3 weeks.. he would text me randomly every few days and tell me he misses me and he doesn't know how to face me and he would do anything to get me back and he's so sorry blah blah.. so I would meet him, we would talk..we would hug and squeeze each other hard..then a few days later again he would disappear! Then he would have a slew of excuses..and tell me he doesn't know how to get her out of his life, but that I'm the one he wants to be with..he seemed so sincere.... I would cuss him out... he would promise me that it won't happen again..we'd be ok for a few days ..then again the same BS. One time he was supposed to come over to talk...and he blew me off! Never showed up..then again so many excuses.. he told me that she was threatening to kill herself and telling him she wants to marry him and that she won't go away and that he understands if I want nothing to do with him.. so I told him fine I'm done... then a few days would pass.. and either me, or him, would text and we'd end up right in each other's arms again..

 

About a week ago..he missed my salsa performance..it was huge and I had a ticket for him and I ended up sitting at the couples table alone and performed without him there...it hurt so bad. He missed it because we were fighting so much with all this BS happening that he says "he didn't know if he was still invited" so he never booked the day off work and couldn't get his shift covered. I got drunk that night and cried in the bathroom and texted him a whole bunch of stuff..how I was falling in love with him but I can't go on like this with her in the picture and how I'm gonna find myself a good Spanish boy and let him go.. Well, let me tell you, that must have sparked something in him because the next morning I woke up with a million msgs... saying how he was falling in love with me too..and he's so sorry about everything and he needs to see me.. I gotta say, this was the most effort I had seen in him in the past 4 weeks since this happened..so I agreed to meet him..this was a week ago... he picked me up..we talked for hours...at one point his voice started to break when he told me there's a reason he keeps coming back to me.. then he turned away and lit up a smoke. We made out for hours in his car..omg it felt just like old times.. I thought everything would go back to normal.. the next few days he started texting me every few hours again.. everyhting felt normal again. He also told me that the ex agreed FINALLY to leave him alone.. because he told her they could be friends.

 

So his b day was a few days ago..and I told him I was gonna book us a hotel room. (this was only a few days after we decided to work things out) He was acting a bit strange.. I went ahead and booked it anyway not thinking much of it... then the disappearing started again!! We didn't talk for 2 days...just text..and there was only excuses..he said he was feeling sick and he had to go to the doctors..and he was falling asleep early at night (I've heard this before) so I snapped. I told him I'm canceling the hotel cuz I think he's full of it..and cussed him out..through text. He never responded..and we never talked since!!!!! I told him he had to earn my trust back and he couldn't act strange or give me stories anymore..and the fact of the matter is..HE NEVER BOTHERED TO DEFEND HIMSELF or contact me again after that!!!! what ...the....heck....

 

So the wknd goes by.. I never wished him a happy birthday or anything.. I am friends with his sis on FB...2 nights ago.. (the night of his b day) his sister commented on his mom's picture (I don't have his mom on FB but her profile is open to the public) This is what his sister wrote: !!!!!!! :0 !!!!!!!! (as if she was shocked about something)

 

When I clicked to see what the picture was.......... IT WAS A PHOTO OF HIM AND HIS EX GIRLFRIEND!! ON HIS PARENTS COUCH (he still lives at home and so does the sister) and he was holding a cake and she was holding balloons!!!!!!!!!!! His face looked miserable... he had an annoyed smile... but then again maybe it's because he didn't want his mom to take a photo...who knows.

 

His sister and him are best friends..so clearly she didn't know about this because she wouldn't have been so shocked!!! I'm assuming she wasn't there when the ex was there.,. his sister goes away on wknds a lot.

 

The worst part about it is that he was wearing house clothes and the ex was wearing a track suit..her hair was up and she had very little makeup.. but she had her watch and jewelery on... I'm obviously writing all the details because I'm trying to figure out if she had spent the night there (his bday was on a Sunday and we were supposed to go party the Saturday night) .. plus he always told me his mom hated her and so did the sister...why would his mom post a friggin photo of them together!!!!! His mom doesn't even have her on her friend list!!! Neither does the sis!

 

I know his ex is psychotic and since she was parked in front of his house for 3 days when she knew he had a girlfriend... I know it's possible she showed up there with a gift and balloons.. but why would she be wearing a tracksuit! Plus why would she assume I wasn't at the house if that's the case...Omg I'm freaking out!

 

We haven't talked in a week.. and he even admitted to me a few weeks ago.. that when I told him off the last time..he called his ex to talk.. could the same thing have happened again and now they're back together!! People.. we are talking DAYS here since him and I were making out in my driveway!!! How could he tell me all those things and feel all those things..and just days later she's at his house!! Omg did they have sex?? If only you were a fly in his car last wknd to have seen the way he was kissing me and holding me in his car... and now bounces to her!?! Is this what it looks like?? He friggin told me the last time I saw him that he had no feelings left for her...and that he cares about me a lot. ..... sigh...what is happening?

 

I know I didn't wish him happy bday...but he left things unresolved between us and I had to cancel the hotel room and loose money on my credit card! I was pissed. And I'm actually happy I didn't text him on his b day..cuz guess what..she was at his effin house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Btw... since all of this has been happening...his facebook has been down and he still hasn't put it back up... one last thing..that Saturday before his bday.. I got a bunch of calls from private number..early morning like 10am..and late at night like midnight... no one calls me from private number...noone even has my new cell phone number.... I thought it might have been her but he has a password lock on his phone so how would she get my number.. I also thought it could have been him.. I never answered because I was sleeping..and I haven't had any blocked calls since...

 

I know when I was still in love with my ex..after we broke up.. I was not able to talk about kids and marriage with anyone new..nor bring a new guy around my family..it hurt too much... plus him and her never lived together ... and they had been broken up for a while... am I just blind here??? What's going on...

 

Someone pls be brutally honest with me about all of this... I'm SO HURT. (and no..contacting him is not an option after all this...I have my dignity too)

[carhill]

To be perfectly honest, IMO most males don't have the attention span to read this novel and soak it all in. Males generally like brief and to the point.

 

At the point I stopped reading, it sounds like his ex is still in the picture and you and he have some other incompatibilities which cause you concern.

 

 

If his ex is truly psychotic, one must wonder how he was attracted to her and stayed with her and still appears to have contact with her. That says a lot about him. Has he changed from that man? Unknown.

 

My only advice is not to let their drama infect you. Push back from FB and go NC and move on to more positive things in your own life. Otherwise, this vortex will suck the life right out of you. Then you'll have to ask yourself why you were attracted to the vortex. Mirror time. Good luck.

[kaleidoscope]

Yes, most people don't have the attention span to read this: both men and women, not just men lol!

 

Wow, that's quite a story. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

Based on what you said, here is my opinion:

 

1) He is hiding something that he cannot tell you. It may be simply that he loves her and not you and doesn't want to hurt you to something more dramatic like he got his ex pregnant.

 

I would be prepared for the worst.

 

2) He is not being direct and straightforward with all the disappearing. Some people really aren't who they say they are. They can say all the right words but mean something else because they are not honest even with themselves. Maybe he is a chronic liar, who knows.

 

What you saw in him as good could have been an illusion.

 

3) Don't focus on his ex. Focus on his bad behavior.

 

4) Why don't you talk to his parents? Ask them what is going on for your own closure. You met them, you were together and tell them what is going on with his behavior. Unless they are also wackos, at least you'll talk to someone sane and maybe they know the real truth.

 

I wish you luck and please keep us updated.

[kaleidoscope]

About your hurt, I hope you can recover quickly.

 

This site is full of heartbreaks - its just sad how common all these relationship problems happen.

 

I'm rarely surprised now.

 

At the same time there is hope for a better future if we all learn more about relationships.

[Soxfaninfl]

If this guy wanted to be done with his ex then he would have gotten a restraining order and changed his phone number. He also would have blocked her on Facebook. I would get rid of him. He sounds immature and inconsiderate of your feelings. This guy is constant drama! He doesn't know what he wants. What kind of a person disappears and doesn't contact the women he loves for days and say the things that he has said to? I would drop this loser before you mistake of marrying him. He's 30 Years old and still lives at home too WTF? This guy is a loser and loves the drama.

[cdm369]

Bottom line is tell him what you got to have to move on. Truth about everything. What behavior you will accept from him.no friends with the ex...etc. lots of people wont agree with me but facebook is trouble....especially if you've been cheated on....it annoys you when anything comes up.....good luck

[TheFinalWord]

He used you to get his ex jealous. He didn't block her to rub it in her face. You were a rebound. He used you to build his self-esteem.

 

The guy is a pathological liar. It sounds like he and his ex are perfect for each other...and yes they have had sex.

 

You seem like a great person. You do not need this drama in your life. If the way you have described yourself is accurate, a million guys would die to be with you. Don't waste anymore time on this guy or believe anything he says. If he dumped you for someone else once, he'll do it again. He's burned the bridge of your trust.

 

Also, I know love is blind, but if a guy just says he has an urge to get you pregnant slow down!!! That's not something usually decided on a whim by unmarried couples.

[kourtney01]

Thank you all for your input so far...

 

I have been beating myself up about this whole thing... I keep telling myself I should have acted like more of b****, I shouldn't have been so attached..etc

 

Sigh

 

I think he wanted to rub it in her face too...

 

But why is he going back to something toxic when I was the obvious better choice is beyond me...? I understand if this was solely based on looks.. because like I said the general consensus is I'm much more attractive.. he actually used to show off my picture to all his guy friends at work...pretty much everyone knew about "the salsa girl"

 

...but I thought it was about more than looks... we had a strong connection..and no drama until this happened... I know that back when I was still getting over my ex, meeting someone that blew my mind would have helped the process... not that I want to be used to get over someone either... I'm just wondering WHY he would go back after alllllll the grabage and the long break they had...and the new thing he had with me..

 

It's one thing to want to make your ex jealous just as revenge ... it's another to want to make them jealous and then get back together once that's been accomplished after such a long break..

 

Not to mention that this girl didn't go "psycho" until she found out about me... and now all of a sudden she wants to marry him? Is this even gonna last? No I'm not asking because I still want him... I'm asking because I'm hurt

[Coil]

in my opinion he is shady and he is probably sleeping with her. There are soo many red flags.

 

If you had any respect you would dump this loser and never look back.

 

Just my male perspective.

[Dust]

This is a bad guy. It seems like you had something and thats why this is hurting you. You know he's up to no good.

 

Seriously I can't believe how much you wrote!

 

You sound like a pretty special girl you deserve a lot better. He's probably cheating on you. At a minimum he is very childish!

[Soxfaninfl]

But why is he going back to something toxic when I was the obvious better choice is beyond me...?

 

Some people are not content with a good relationship and enjoy being miserable in a toxic relationship. They basically enjoy the drama even though they say they don't.