Magda70 Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 (edited) This is not to encourage to try to get answers as if it is discouraged, it is for a good reasons but I want to share with you that I did manage to get my ex to fill the blanks of his strange behaviours pre-breakup. It has not been easy and I had to go through his reluctancies and his angry outbursts but I pleaded him to “set me free” and told me what was going with him. And he eventually did. It was not fun to hear what he had to say but it was far less serious than the fantasies I had in mind and would have brought with me for who knows how long. It has been a sort of epiphany as - all of a sudden – many episodes of the recent past acquired meaning and a reason to have been. I am not sure why dumpers do not say things as they are...probably to “save face”... I would like to read your experiences about this subject... Edited December 21, 2011 by Magda70 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 What exactly dis your ex tell you? Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 yes tell us.... what was this "reason"... Link to post Share on other sites
Renard99 Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 I got an answer from my ex. She acted the way she did because she felt that I was criticising and pressuring her and she therefore drifted away from me. This actually made me feel a little better about the break up because it made me realise we weren't right for each other. The reason for this is because what she refered to as pressure, was actually an attempt by me to try and make the relationship a 50/50 thing instead of me pulling everything along. I loved her and really wanted to make things work. I also knew that she had had a sheltered upbringing and was emotionally 'stunted' and lacking in 'life experience'. However, it got to a point where the weight of being the 'leader' in the relationship started to weigh heavy on my shoulders. Her response was to ignore it and head out with friends, go and party and spend money we didn't have. The whole 'grass is greener' thing. If she couldn't see me struggling and when faced with a 'fight or flight' situation, she chose 'flight', then I'm better without her. Link to post Share on other sites
YouNeverKnow86 Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 I got an answer from my ex. She acted the way she did because she felt that I was criticising and pressuring her and she therefore drifted away from me. This actually made me feel a little better about the break up because it made me realise we weren't right for each other. The reason for this is because what she refered to as pressure, was actually an attempt by me to try and make the relationship a 50/50 thing instead of me pulling everything along. I loved her and really wanted to make things work. I also knew that she had had a sheltered upbringing and was emotionally 'stunted' and lacking in 'life experience'. However, it got to a point where the weight of being the 'leader' in the relationship started to weigh heavy on my shoulders. Her response was to ignore it and head out with friends, go and party and spend money we didn't have. The whole 'grass is greener' thing. If she couldn't see me struggling and when faced with a 'fight or flight' situation, she chose 'flight', then I'm better without her. Renard, How long after the breakup did she give you an answer? Link to post Share on other sites
Renard99 Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 Renard, How long after the breakup did she give you an answer? It was quite a while. About 10 months. She got back in contact with me (I'd been NC except for sorting out loose ends like housing contracts etc) and initially offered a chance of reconciliation. I was unsure, mainly because I wasn't sure if I could forgive her, plus I had interest from another woman, so I asked her for some time to think. My ex said that was no problem as she was off on holiday for two weeks with friends anyway. When she came back she mailed me to say that, having thought about it during her break, she didn't want to reconcile after all and then proceeded to lay down all the things that she felt I'd done wrong. As I said before, whilst I'm not totally blameless for what happened (I can be a little abrupt at times), all that I was done solely for the benfit of our relationship, to try and open up communication between us, and ultimately, because of my love for her. If she didn't see that and felt that it was easier to run then maybe she wasn't right for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Magda70 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Share Posted December 22, 2011 yes tell us.... what was this "reason"... It does not matter the what....I spare you a squallor story... More interesting is the how: while making his confession, he justified his wrongs by blaming me of almost everything and his dog... I have also been told (also here and in real life) that it's normal that the culprits use this as conscious or unconscious self-defense and that self-defense costs a lot of energy and that sooner or later they will let it go and will admit their flaws but they wont come to tell you so you need to live with their last words of blame for the rest of your life anyhow... That's also why LS expert suggest not to try to get answers from exes. So, was it worth it? In my case definitely yes but someone else could not handle it. In my case, he helped to set me free from the false hopes I irrationally lingered onto... I read the post of the other guy who got an answer from his ex. It seems a very similar story. I am afraid is a common behavioral pattern... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Magda70 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Share Posted December 22, 2011 she didn't want to reconcile after all and then proceeded to lay down all the things that she felt I'd done wrong. Been there done that. Yeah, as I said in my reply, culprits always find good reasons for having done the wrongs they did. I dunno how they do it as I would feel horrible when I am caught into a mistake I did.... Is it a question of blind arrogance? Link to post Share on other sites
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