Any advice would be appreciated.

[JC]

No clue what to do.

 

Relationship since October. Rough going a lot of the time. We both have baggage.

 

He handles fights by not taking my calls. Then, if I leave a message asking him to call, he calls back and screams at me that it's over, to leave him the f alone, etc.

 

Of course, we make up after a few days. We haven't had a lot of fights lately. Being going well for about 2 months, but mostly b/c I hold my peace to avoid a fight so that we won't break up.

 

I am at a loss.

[zoomer]

Not much info here. Don't really know what to tell you without more information. If things are going well now...what's the prob? Baggage is no excuse for misbehavior...it's just something that makes things tough and maybe harder to go through..depends... I have baggage too, husband as well, we have had times that a horror movie would love..LOL...but we've survived. You can too just not sure what the problem is, to advise.

[hurtingandconfused]

He handles fights by not taking my calls. Then, if I leave a message asking him to call, he calls back and screams at me that it's over, to leave him the f alone, etc.

You are letting yourself get mistreated here. Everytime he does this he knows that you will make up. I suggest for you two to sit down and talk if you do not want this continue. This habit will develop even more in the long term.

 

I am at a loss.

That is because you choose to be.

[JC]

I was in so much pain when I wrote, that it was hard to give much information:

 

I'm 35, he's 33. He's the oldest of five in an Italian family. He feels he's failed b/c the dad came from Italy and is a HUGE success and b/c his siblings are successes.

 

He has only completed high school.

 

I'm an only child, finished law school, working in my field.

 

When we first met, I told him I was not interested in more than a physical relationship (he insisted on more).

 

It took me months to feel comfortable and I still don't trust (baggage from a physically abusive and then a verbally abusive boyfriend...two different guys, my last two, hope that's clear?).

 

We are not sleeping together yet, which is part of the problem.

 

He is very tied to his roommate (best friends sincd kindergarten). He is also an alcoholic.

 

He lives two hours from me and only "starts" the yelling when he is home and far enough away to block me out...I'm not driving all the way to his place to have a fight, but he won't take my calls and does not call me except to yell.

 

I have not been an easy woman to get to know, but I have always been honest.

 

This last fight has torn me up as he leaves soon for a month of training. I didn't want him to leavae like this and I am not sleeping or eating.

 

I regret beginning the "relationship", simply sleeping w/someone, after exchanging medical info, saves a lot of this heartache.

[zoomer]

Originally posted by JC

He feels he's failed b/c the dad came from Italy and is a HUGE success and b/c his siblings are successes.

 

He has only completed high school.[QUOTE]

 

You and I both know you do not have to have a college education to be a success. You make your success at anything you do and it can be done!

 

 

I'm an only child, finished law school, working in my field.

 

You have a very good head on your shoulder and congratulations!

 

 

baggage from a physically abusive and then a verbally abusive boyfriend...two different guys, my last two,

 

Do you see the pattern? I certainly do and you are smart enough to break this pattern! This one is abusing you too...verbally!

 

We are not sleeping together yet, which is part of the problem.

 

Not a problem....a choice, your choice! Which should be respected and admired above all.

 

He is also an alcoholic.

 

Is this something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Being an alcoholic effects the entire family which would include you, your family, friends, your children...etc., if you were to make a lasting relationship with this person. Ask yourself if it's all worth it. If all things were great, I do believe this problem can be worked through but only when you have a wonderful, loving relationship. I just don't see it here.

 

he won't take my calls and does not call me except to yell.

 

Why would you call submitting yourself to this abuse? Stop calling...and stop answering the phone if he calls.

 

I am not sleeping or eating.

 

I see that your not sleeping because you last post was in the am hours. This will affect your health, your job, etc..... This relationship is tearing you apart limb by limb and I just can't see any good in it.

 

While I certainly realize that advice is easy to give...with these harsh words I said above....I also realize that there's no way in a few words on a post that anyone can understand your situation fully... no one knows what you are feeling exactly. With that said, there is no physical relationship and the mental relationship is abusive, why would you continue this relationship? Ask yourself some of these questions...what will this bring me...pain, heartache. I just don't see anything here that is worthy of you. I believe that while you may be a hard person to get to know, you will meet the right person for you, this one is not it. I did not hear you say that you love him...although you may think you do...I don't think so. You have a long life ahead of you and you should spend it with someone who is worthy, loving, caring, respectful, etc.... Take a deep breath and do what I think you already know you have to do...Dump him! For your own good. I know that is hard to do...but My God Girl...look at the big picture and break your pattern! Good Luck to you and I'll keep you in my prayers.

[krbshappy71]

I had no idea I was falling for "wrong" guys until one of my college classes had a speaker about abuse and how it starts, the red flags to look for.

 

As a starting point, perhaps surf the web reading about abuse patterns, what the red flags are, and when you see how many are directly related to this man you are seeing, perhaps that can help you pull away from him. You will be working with concrete information instead of just your heart aching.

 

It worked for me, I used those "flags" when I was getting back into dating. Anyone who met the criteria for potentially abusing was not given the time of day past a couple coffee dates. (you don't always see the flags the very first time you meet someone.)

 

Hope this helps, educate yourself on abuse and the patterns that go with it so you can steer clear. I know its hard, I have been there, done that, and it has taken baby-steps to pull out of it. Luckily for me it never turned physically abusive. For whatever reason I did not listen to the people who loved me and told me the men were that way, it took seeing the patterns and behaviors on paper, from a professional counselor, for me to admit this sort of thing had entered my life. I thought I was smarter than abused women, who would put up with that? Now I know it has nothing to do with smarts and everything to do with control and manipulation.

I sincerely hope you can listen to our concerns for you and get help. We don't have to know you personally to care for you.

[JC]

Hi-

 

I have read what you have said and I appreciate the kindness (even the blunt kindness!).

 

...a bit more background. It took me years of therapy to get past dealing w/a non-attentive, alcoholic father and to get over being sexually molested. I became anorexic and self abusive. The past two years have been so healthy for me. I started yoga, t'ai chi, meditation. Was completely off any anti-depressants and was done w/therapy.

 

I started a new job, where I met this guy and everyone kept commenting on how I was the most centered person they had ever met. I had never felt so at PEACE.

 

The old me felt so far away.

 

This guy has had two exes cheat on him. One w/his brother and one w/his so called best friend (the roommate, friend from kindergarten).

 

I know that he is abusive. Verbally. I also know that I don't deserve the abuse. I think I'm just angry. When he and I first began to see one another, he was the one that said no to sex. Per him, everytime that happened, it was a disaster. Then he gave me the background.

 

I see him as hurting. We talked a lot in the beginning about our baggage and I really thought we could work through things.

 

Two days before this fight he was talking about joining me in my volunteer job and our taking a vacation in the fall.

 

I REALLY know I need to let go but the cliche is true, I do love him. I am so mad at myself b/c of the fight.

 

I could have diffused it using appropriate language and coping skills I learned in therapy. But I failed. Both him and myself.

 

If I look at this rationally, I know I have to let go. I have just spent months really getting to know him and while I never loved my exes, this feels like love. BUT I know that he doesn't love himself, so he can't love me yet. And I, while having grown a great deal, still have to work on the self esteem issues.

 

I hope none of you get mad at me. I'm not ignoring your advice. I will more than likely heed it.

 

Right now, I just hurt so much. And I feel as if I've failed.

 

He's having a difficult time at work. He's been written up twice. Once for not coming in on time (he works a different schedule from mine and in a different group). Once for yelling at a temp.

 

So, he's stressed about losing this job. Also, he goes to his brother's wedding this week-end (the one who slept w/his fiance...the mother insists the family "come together". I did NOT want to attend the wedding for various reasons, not the least of which is my volunteer job). Then, he leaves straight away for boot camp (navy reserve).

 

This is not how I envisoned our parting and I feel burdened by all of the emotions I feel.

 

(PS. I tried to join the forum so I could automatically post, but it didn't work for me).

 

 

Many, many thanks. It helps to talk, even if only in cyberspace.