Separated, Heading for Divorce With Horse Loving Wife

[Heart Broken Geek]

Hello, sorry for the odd title. I was just hoping maybe a guy or a gal with a horse lover for a spouse would have their attention grabbed and maybe I would make sense to someone.

 

Years ago I registered here and made a thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137977/) and lurked mainly. The thread was done when I thought our problems were just sex. I guess I wasn't mature enough to realize there were much deeper emotional issues.

 

We have been together for almost 13 years, married almost 9. We have two beautiful children, I just adopted my step son in January.

 

If you were to hear her talk, I "all of a sudden pulled the rug out from under her" in August when I sat her down and told her how unhappy I was and was probably going to be leaving. In reality I have been trying to get her attention every way I could since 2006? 2007? Maybe earlier.

 

Everything was "fine" for us, as long as I suffered in silence, but anytime I voiced a concern, she would go off the deep end and it would be my fault.

 

I guess I just got fed up with going to the bank and being -$700 all the time and having it blamed on me, when I give her 100% of my paycheck and only take $40 a week to eat on plus gas money. I got tired of the horses being fed but no food being made for the family. I got tired of the stalls being picked clean but the house is a pig sty. She is content to live in filth, and unless I cleaned it, it wasn't getting done. Unless we had company coming over, then she would flip out and scream at everyone.

 

But most of all, I am tired of being alone. Always. She will tell me she is home "90% of the time" and while that is true, she is either out at the barn for 4-5 hours a weekday night or on the computer looking at horses, emailing, buying, selling or texting about horses.

 

If you have ever seen an episode of Hoarders it is that same attitude of "how DARE you question why I do this... it isn't MY problem, it's YOUR problem".

 

So things have been rocky since August. We kept trying to talk things through for two months, but basically for the first time in this marriage I didn't give in on the issue and what happened is exactly what I knew would happen. She basically refused to stop with the animal stuff. She boards horses, owns horses, and runs a horse rescue. On top of that, she has goats, chickens, dogs, cats and the occasional cow. Hell, one weekend she asked me what I wanted from her. " I said point blank "no more animals. Enough!!!" That weekend she decided to board 3 dogs, rescue 5 bottle fed kittens with diseases and bought 2 new ponies.

 

Did I mention they are threatening to foreclose on the home? Oh, well, they are. But that doesn't stop her from buying 2 more horses and getting a lawyer to sue some other idiot over some horse related crap (breach of contract).

 

Anyway, we hit a point where we decided to stick around at least through the holidays for the kids. So essentially every day of my life is a 16 hour argument where she texts me at 7:30 AM and we carry that argument through until bed time. I am not sure she ever really loved me, but rather took pity on me and "settled".

 

Last week I happened to be looking at her facebook profile and noticed she has changed her status to separated. She never told me, of course, why would she? I don't even tell her I know for a week, and finally, without mentioning the FB thing tells me she considers us "separated but living in the same place".

 

Back in August when I told her, she put out a CRAIGSLIST AD looking for male insight into our situation. Why see a therapist, right? When plenty of well meaning men are on Craigslist.

 

Anyway, I don't think she is looking for another man, she is just naive. Since she used a shared email account, I was seeing the responses for the ad come in, and her responses go out. I really think she is delusional as to how she affects people. In her mind, she REALLY believes she is saving the world. "If I want the world to keep being evil than I just have to do nothing..." "I do the stuff other people TALK about doing but WON'T!". She gave one of these guys her cell number and he is texting her. She doesn't seem to be responsive to him at least that I saw.

 

When we discussed the possibility of a split in August, we agreed to dissolution. She makes over twice what I make, I don't want the house or the farm or any part of it. I will support the kids when I have them, she will do the same. I will carry their health insurance (expensive) and pay for half of all school clothes, doctors and school fees etc. I want my musical equipment (PA, guitars, amps, etc), my computer, and gaming systems and since the Best Buy card is in my name (which after 3 years we still owe $3600 on and the 36 months no interest is over in April, but instead of paying that or the mortgage we rescue horses) I'd like the big TV. I'd like my CPAP and my dad's chair. She can keep her car and truck, my car is paid for. I don't want her or my children to do without. I just want to stop throwing up blood every few hours, or going to the bank and being -$770, then being told its all my fault somehow.

 

Do any of you have experience with people who are into horses? My exposure seems to be that people that are in to horses can't be in to them a little, they have to be all in.

 

She isn't a bad person. She loves me, I believe, as much as she can love another human being. She simply cannot relate to most humans, unless they are ALSO in to animals waaaay too much. I mean, I could tell stories like the time I had acute bronchitis and needed medicine BADLY, and she told me we had no money for it, which, ok, fine, I'll man up if the family is broke. that night she buys an $80 fake horse tail for her horse to wear to a show because she needs it. Or when I was so sick I couldn't drive myself to the doctors, asked if she could take me and she said she couldn't miss work. her horse got a sick stomach that night and she took 3 days off work. Or... well... no one cares, but I have a litany of things like that over the years. It doesn't matter. No one cares. I don't care anymore.

 

She has never done anything ill towards the children. Fortunately they are self sufficient. What has always pissed me off, is the horses will be fed but there will be no dinner plans for the family. The horses stalls will be immaculate, but the house a pig sty.

 

I came home from band practice one night and the house smelled. Like a burnt popcorn in the microwave kinda smell. I asked her about it the next morning... "Aniya burnt her dinner".

 

Aniya is my 7 year old daughter. She must have made herself a microwaveable meal, which she is ok at. usually the 12 year old will supervise (this is the norm if I am not there, I guess). I said "The 7 year old... burnt... her dinner? And where were you at?"

 

"feeding the horses."

 

"oh." and I waited for the light above her head. Didn't happen.

 

Funny story... in June she comes to me and says "I need to cancel the cable, so we can get caught up on bills".

 

My first thought was the child in me screaming "F that, all I have in thishouse is my chair, the TV, my Xbox" but the adult in me said "ok, man up, you have bills, and she said she will have it turned back on in August".

 

2 weeks later I go out to the barn and the Porta John is still there from the barn fire we had a week or so earlier.

 

I said "When does that have to be back?"

 

She ignores me. her friend, who obviously didn't realize I wasn't supposed to know, goes "Oh they just come and empty it twice a week".

 

So I'm like "Huh? Why would they do that? Why wouldn't they just take it back?" My initial thought was they just leave it until they have another renter? Horrible business model, but whatever, I don't rent porta johns so what do I know?

 

Her friend goes "Well for $80 a month its the least they could do..."

 

I look at her and go "You cancelled my cable so you could have a crapper at the barn?"

 

and her attitude was one of "how DARE you question me?"

 

and oh yeah, we board dogs, even though they always destroy OUR stuff. 2 months ago, she asks me "What's a good way to cheer up Aniya?"

 

The day before, my daughter wanted to go to a birthday party that was an overnight thing. I put my foot down and said that she could go to the party but there was no way she was spending the night. I don't know the parents or the kids. And she's 7. She was upset but whatevs, I'm the parent. So when my wife called and asked me that, I was like "We don't, why would we need to? We made a decision and that's it".

 

My wife, in turn informs me the three Jack Russels she was boarding ran upstairs and killed my daughters kitten in front of her. I raise my voice (I try not to do that a lot) and go "Are you F'ing kidding me?"

 

There is silence and she goes "I don't see how raising your voice will help."

 

I take a deep breath and go "I'm sorry, I just do not understand why you keep bringing in animals to do this to our family."

 

More silence from her and then she goes "You need to call a lawyer because I'm sick of this ****".

 

3 hours later, my cell rings, its her. "What can we do to cheer up Aniya?"

 

I am taken aback, I just go "Well I try to buy her a dozen roses or carnations once or twice a year, it makes her happy"

 

"What color?"

 

"What?"

 

"They have fall colors and purple, what color?"

 

"She's a 7 year old girl. Purple."

 

When my wife gets home that night she gives my daughter the flowers and goes "Mommy was thinking about you..."

 

So yeah, I know she needs help but she literally sees herself as saving the world.

 

It really does remind me of those people on Hoarders who have the entire world telling them they're wrong and they ignore it. Except I am the only one with the balls and honesty to voice their opinion (because I am the one most affected by it) so I look like I'm alone, standing outside of the Ed Sullivan Theater in 1964 with a sign that says "The Beatles suck!"

 

She has told mutual friends that she "resents being married and having kids", that she "never got to be single".

 

Anyway, I don't know why I am posting other than to maybe vent and hope someone would hear my story, since she won't hear it. The funny thing is, even though I know a divorce is the best for me, I still feel guilty/horrible about putting my happiness first.

[Philosoraptor]

This is no shocker... put not only yourself first but your children first as well. They are getting no attention from their mother and living like underprivileged kids when they shouldn't have to.

 

Personally I'm not one to take crap anymore so I setup a new bank account that she can not access, let the property foreclose, take her to court, and build a better life for my kids. You may not get them 24/7 but at least you know mommy wont have a horse farm to take care of while living in an apartment and your kids might get some attention.

[Heart Broken Geek]

This is no shocker... put not only yourself first but your children first as well. They are getting no attention from their mother and living like underprivileged kids when they shouldn't have to.

 

Personally I'm not one to take crap anymore so I setup a new bank account that she can not access, let the property foreclose, take her to court, and build a better life for my kids. You may not get them 24/7 but at least you know mommy wont have a horse farm to take care of while living in an apartment and your kids might get some attention.

 

 

Is your ex a horse fan?

 

I don't want to see her fail or lose her home. I have no ill wishes towards her at all. I just feel like I need to be happy, and by extension I have to believe my kids will be happier. They see the constant arguing. My son has even asked me (he's 12) "I don't understand, dad, why did mom yell at you? You asked her a question and she just started screaming at you?"

 

Yeah, I know, buddy.

[Philosoraptor]

Um not a horse fan nor was the situation anything like yours.

 

That is not your problem. It's sad but true; she made this mess and it's not yours to clean up. She has been unwilling to bend any so you need to break away from her and let her deal with her mess. You take care of yourself and your kids because they only have one person there for them now.

[reboot]

This woman is sick and you can't fix her. If you can't find a way to force her to get help, you need to take yourself AND your children out of that situation. Do not let your children stay there without a fight. Be a man. I know that's easy to say, but you are left without many choices. If you leave your children with her, they will suffer.

[Els]

This is an addiction, it goes beyond just being a 'horse lover'. I know the first instinct is to lash out at the object of the addiction, but it isn't the animals that are the problem. It's her.

 

Why ARE you still with her? Just because of the children? Do they have any attachment to her at all given that she spends so little time with them?

[Heart Broken Geek]

This is an addiction, it goes beyond just being a 'horse lover'. I know the first instinct is to lash out at the object of the addiction, but it isn't the animals that are the problem. It's her.

 

Why ARE you still with her? Just because of the children? Do they have any attachment to her at all given that she spends so little time with them?

 

 

If you had asked me that a few years ago, or hell, even 8 months ago, I would have said I am still with her because I love her" but I guess I hit a breaking point I wasn't aware I had. She is calling it a "mid-life crisis". If a mid-life crisis is getting fed up with someone's stupid crap, than yeah, I guess that's what it is. I am 38, she is 34.

 

The kids both love their mother. My daughter, being 7, is THRILLED she has all kinds of access to horses and animals. What 7 year old girl wouldn't be? The boy sees it as what it is, extra chores for him and a mother he doesn't get to see.

 

Her argument is always "Well you could come to the barn to see me, but you WON'T!"

 

No, she is right, I won't. I don't want to shovel animal crap. I don't like the smell, I don't like doing work I don't HAVE to do and honestly, I don't want to hang out with the object of my wife's EA.

 

She told me in August "You should have known I would change!"

 

What? I should have known 12 years ago you would move me an hour away from my friends and family, buy 25 acres that we can't afford, start an animal rescue and never be around me? What? How should I have KNOWN that?

 

She has said this "The kids know if they want to see me all they have to do is come to the barn!"

 

The trouble is, being isolated away from people in the country, the only other adults being her and her horsey friends, I start to believe that I am making a bigger deal out of this, and why can't I, just, as she says "Support her dreams"?

[carhill]

Separate your finances as your Christmas present to yourself.

 

Then, think of a good New Year's resolution.

 

My sympathies.

[Standard-Fare]

This sounds like really extremist behavior and your "Hoarders" comparison sounds dead-on. The story about the dogs killing your daughter's kitten was the one that especially got to me. YIKES.

 

The only person who could tolerate your wife is someone who a) is also an animal hoarder and b) would believe and perpetuate her view that she is "a savior." You know you are not that person, you know you can't live this way, so you have to move on.

 

I hope you can do this in a way that's not too damaging for the children. It sounds like it would be good idea for you to seek half-time custody so they can get a balanced view of the world, rather than being 100 percent sucked into their mother's perspective.

[stopdropandroll]

The horses aren't the real problem. Her personal/mental issues are. She's probably the type that will tell you she needs a strong man that stands up to her and is assertive. At the same time she won't listen to anything you tell her or respect any decisions you make. Don't beat yourself up for the state of your marriage. Do take responsibility for the things you have power over.

 

If you want to work on your marriage it will require both you and your wife admitting there are problems and be willing to address them with the help of a counsellor. I suspect she doesn't think she has any problems based on your description of how she projects her misbehaviors onto you.

I recognize the type and it really sucks. You can drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out but you won't be able to. Do your best to take care of you and your kids.

[wezol]

My exWife was a horse lover as well, and I accepted it and would even ride with her every so often on trails or the arena out back where we lived. It was when her cancelling planned "dates" for our once a week date night we were trying to do to re-kindle our marriage, that things really started to go down hill. Like you, I wouldn't see her for hours after she got home, because she would stay out at the barn and pick the stalls clean, ride/wash/brush the horses, then chat with her friends, then finally come inside about 9pm or so. Eat whatever dinner I made, then go to bed, too tired for sex or any spending any time together. Like your wife (mine wasn't as bad with all the animals), she would have all the time in the world for the horses and their needs, but when it came to my needs, the house, or anything else our marriage needed....nope.

 

So being the brilliant man that I am, and realizing that while I don't like having the horses as they are a money pit, the fact is we do have them and they do need to be taken care of. SO, I talked to my boss and scheduled 3 days a week to go home 2 hours early. When I get home, I figure I'll clean the stalls, brush and wash the horses, and throw feed, so when my exwife got home we would have time to spend together, right?! WRONG. She barely even acknowledged that I did anything, and used the extra time to actually load the horses up and take them 15 miles down the road, more than once a week.

 

There was A LOT more contributing factors to the demise of our marriage, but I do understand where you are coming from. You need to leave her, you're unhappy and she sounds like a idiot.

[Heart Broken Geek]

The horses aren't the real problem. Her personal/mental issues are. She's probably the type that will tell you she needs a strong man that stands up to her and is assertive. At the same time she won't listen to anything you tell her or respect any decisions you make. Don't beat yourself up for the state of your marriage. Do take responsibility for the things you have power over.

 

If you want to work on your marriage it will require both you and your wife admitting there are problems and be willing to address them with the help of a counsellor. I suspect she doesn't think she has any problems based on your description of how she projects her misbehaviors onto you.

I recognize the type and it really sucks. You can drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out but you won't be able to. Do your best to take care of you and your kids.

 

Thank you for responding. At this pint I have zero interest in working on anything. She sees nothing she does as wrong. I am not perfect. Far from it. But when I make mistakes I admit it. She has never said I'm sorry for some really crazy stuff!

 

I accidentally touched her in bed and she woke me up with a lecture on how I had to "earn the right to touched her again". She will be a long time waiting for that effort. I "broke our trust" when I told her how unhappy ideas. I "stabbed her in the back" by telling her this. As I said, everything was fine as long as I suffered quietly.

 

She made an appointment with a therapist for herself last week (something I've begged her to do for 7 years now). Good. I hope she's honest with the person. But I just want out. I have been hurt too much by her and those animals. Seriously, you're rescuing horses at $1800 a clip in vet bills and we can't afford propane to heat our home?!?! But I'm a horrible person if I say anything about it?

[Heart Broken Geek]

My exWife was a horse lover as well, and I accepted it and would even ride with her every so often on trails or the arena out back where we lived. It was when her cancelling planned "dates" for our once a week date night we were trying to do to re-kindle our marriage, that things really started to go down hill. Like you, I wouldn't see her for hours after she got home, because she would stay out at the barn and pick the stalls clean, ride/wash/brush the horses, then chat with her friends, then finally come inside about 9pm or so. Eat whatever dinner I made, then go to bed, too tired for sex or any spending any time together. Like your wife (mine wasn't as bad with all the animals), she would have all the time in the world for the horses and their needs, but when it came to my needs, the house, or anything else our marriage needed....nope.

 

So being the brilliant man that I am, and realizing that while I don't like having the horses as they are a money pit, the fact is we do have them and they do need to be taken care of. SO, I talked to my boss and scheduled 3 days a week to go home 2 hours early. When I get home, I figure I'll clean the stalls, brush and wash the horses, and throw feed, so when my exwife got home we would have time to spend together, right?! WRONG. She barely even acknowledged that I did anything, and used the extra time to actually load the horses up and take them 15 miles down the road, more than once a week.

 

There was A LOT more contributing factors to the demise of our marriage, but I do understand where you are coming from. You need to leave her, you're unhappy and she sounds like a idiot.

 

Our stories sound sort of similar in some regards. I stopped doing stuff around the house when I finally got sick of hearing how I "don't do anything". Of course now that I've stopped, it looks like homeless people are squatting. I make sure the dishes are clean, the garbage is taken out and the kids have food and clean clothes. Outside of that, I leave stuff where she throws it. Which is everywhere.

 

I used to help out in the barn a little also, in some stupid effort to make her think "Hey, he's an ok guy, maybe I should tell him that."

 

It didn't take long for me to realize that with the extra time I was creating for her, she wouldn't spend it with me, that just meant she had time now to get another horse or two.

 

But yeah, if I had a nickel for every romantic dinner I made that got cold, or baths I've ran that became ice cold, only to have her get pissed when I mentioned the whole thing, I'd be rich.

 

She literally is shocked... SHOCKED... when she says "I'm going to go throw hay, I'll be back inside in 20 minutes", and three hours later when she comes in, she has no idea why I'm upset.

 

Or she will go to the quarter horse congress "I'll be back at 4" and at midnight when she gets home, it's "What's wrong with you? Why are you so pissy?"

 

And I won't even mention the 5 times she's hauled off and hit me when she ran out of words to hurl at me.

[maybealone]

I accidentally touched her in bed and she woke me up with a lecture on how I had to "earn the right to touched her again". She will be a long time waiting for that effort. I "broke our trust" when I told her how unhappy ideas. I "stabbed her in the back" by telling her this. As I said, everything was fine as long as I suffered quietly.

 

That part sounds exactly like my husband. And other parts of what you are going through (substituting other things for horses) is heartbreakingly familiar.

 

I know a couple of women who absolutely love horses. One is a farmer, the other has a barn and rents some of the stalls out. Neither of them are as bad as your wife. Maybe she is addicted to the rescuing more than the animals themselves.

 

Like others have said, you really need to focus on yourself and your kids now.

 

I'm glad she is getting help (hopefully), but I definitely understand having been hurt too much at this point to want anything other than out.

 

I wish I had some words of wisdom or comfort. I don't, but I at least wanted you to know that I empathize.

Edited December 22, 2011 by maybealone

[Heart Broken Geek]

That part sounds exactly like my husband. And other parts of what you are going through (substituting other things for horses) is heartbreakingly familiar.

 

I know a couple of women who absolutely love horses. One is a farmer, the other has a barn and rents some of the stalls out. Neither of them are as bad as your wife. Maybe she is addicted to the rescuing more than the animals themselves.

 

Like others have said, you really need to focus on yourself and your kids now.

 

I'm glad she is getting help (hopefully), but I definitely understand having been hurt too much at this point to want anything other than out.

 

I wish I had some words of wisdom or comfort. I don't, but I at least wanted you to know that I empathize.

 

 

Thank you, Maybealone. I never see her changing. I found a recent chat between her and I to give you an insight into what I am dealing with. I've edited a few names in the conversation, otherwise, this is what my life is like.

 

To set it up, the conversation begins with me inquiring about a crazy (crazier than her) horse person that my wife agreed to buy a horse back from. She went to this ladies house ON THANKSGIVING NIGHT to get this horse. The lady wasn't there as she agreed to be, so my wife left the cash and went on the property and took the horse the lady agreed to sell. Of course the lady started causing all kind of drama for the rescue.

 

============================================

 

10:00 AM me: So has this lady calmed down yet?

5 minutes

10:05 AM Lisa: Well she went to bed

10:06 AM me: Cool.

10:07 AM So is it over and done with? We don't have to take another horse or call the police or get a lawyer or anything, right?

12 minutes

10:19 AM Lisa: Well we are giving her until the 6th to comply with the terms of her contract to prove she has taken the proper care as she is saying. If she refuses at that point we will have Alan send her a nasty gram that states since you have refused to comply you are in breech of said contract and our to surrender said horse.

10:20 AM me: Could this turn into legal action? Isn't that expensive? Are you sure thats the best route?

Lisa: however if she sells him first and doesn't get the new then again we'll have that legal action

10:21 AM So most likely it will be totally legal but the humane agent needs us to go forward as she is working to have ALL animals removed

10:22 AM So does that make sense?

me: It just seems like a lot of potential money and unneeded drama. You know that lady is crazy, right? Don't poke crazy people with sticks, is what I say. What do you think?

10:24 AM Lisa: I understand and that is exactly why she has gotten away with this time and time and time again

And if we set a precedence that we are cool with people mistreating our rescues it will hurt us in the future

10:25 AM me: I know its infuriating, but why do you have to be the one to send that message? Surely she will screw over other people and they can shoulder the burden of this stress and financial hardship, yes?

10:27 AM Lisa: It is like this why shouldn't I do the right thing

10:28 AM Yes it cost money yes it cost time...but it is what we set as our goal and priority was to be these horses guardians. And if I just want to be a heper of the evil than sitting around is the right thing to do and I see that is the case with every damn person in this rotting county

And this is the only thing I have enough experience and capability to help with

10:29 AM I suck at politics, I'm practically retarded

So I'm extremely limited in my abilities to make any change there other than cast the best vote I think

10:30 AM It comes down to nothing worth a damn is easy

me: But maybe pick your battles, yes? I respect what you are trying to do, but we cannot financially help them all, would you agree? I am simply asking you think on this one, because you are opening a can of worms I am not sure you want opened. This lady is crazy and people are polarized around her.

Lisa: I think I was above and beyond nice to that lady after time and time of her insulting, defaming, and god knows what

10:31 AM me: Well yes, but that all falls under "that lady is crazy". Crazy people do, hold on to your hat, crazy stuff.

Lisa: Well I have my own crazy and my own polarized people thou it might not be you willing to support and back this

And as you have said I do crazy **** all the time

10:32 AM I'll just do my crazy **** back with an attorney, humane officer and the law.

me: I am not judging you on this, but these people supporting you will not be the ones to deal with it personally.

10:35 AM Lisa: NAME 1, NAME 2, NAME 3, NAME 4 are all supporting this

10:36 AM I'm sorry you don't feel my things I value is worth a damn

me: And how much of the lawyer fees are they paying? When this lady comes back with bogus claims against you, will CPS and deputies go to their homes and barns?

10:37 AM Its not that I don't value it, Lisa. I am simply asking you to consider that you will be a lightning rod for a crazy person that can work the system and consider that. I think, as I have said MANY times that what you do is very noble.

But this is NOT a noble world we live in and doing the right thing often hurts the person doing it.

I am just asking you to consider the weight of my words. Ok?

10:39 AM Lisa: Yeah I hear you Darian

me: Cool.

thats all I ask.

10:40 AM Lisa: See you always ask me to support you blindly yet again that only goes one way

I realize that I'm just a retarded pain in your ass

me: I'm sorry. I didn't wish for this to descend in to an argument. I apologize.

10:41 AM I was just presenting my opinion on the matter and perhaps a different viewpoint.

Lisa: Yeah because none of us consider the fact that this woman was completely out of her ****ing mind

That is why we didn't just parade our happy asses up there to get him

10:42 AM me: ok. I'm sorry.

Lisa: Also since you seem to want out of the rescue all you have to do is send in your office resignation and we'll just let you go about your happy way

10:43 AM me: It was nice talking to you, Lisa.

Lisa: You wasn't talk with me you was talking at me

me: No, I was trying to help.

10:44 AM Do you know the last time a bunch of people got together without the right to voice a disagreement?

Nazi Germany.

And to be fair, they conquered most of Europe.

BUT... they weren't really nice people. So calm down and understand I was just trying to help.

ok?

10:45 AM Lisa: Yeah well I won't be at the farm probably for much longer so the rescue will fold most likely

me: Where are you going?

Lisa: You be happily living your city life in your apartment and god knows where me and the kids will be

10:48 AM no worries you will be informed of everything once I know

me: ?? What are you talking about? This seems important.

10:49 AM Lisa: oh that can't be possible nothing that I say anything important worth listening too

10:50 AM me: I listen to you all the time, Lisa. This whole thing started because I was concerned about the situation.

So if something is going on with you and the kids, I need to know about it. Please tell me what is going on.

10:51 AM Lisa: Like I said you'll know when I know what is going on

I promise I will always take wonderful care of the kids

me: Then tell me what you know and please stop being vague.

Lisa: They are my world and I will always be there for them

10:52 AM me: I did not say you wouldn't.

So please tell me what is going on.

10:54 AM Lisa: Well if the mortgage company goes get this paper work soon they will start forclosure

10:55 AM me: I thought you had it worked out to pay half and half, no? That is the last you told me, right?

Lisa: That is what I was doing but then they sent that payment back dear...I'm sure that conversation went in one ear and out the other right

10:56 AM me: No but you said you had a call out to them.

You said it was approved but one person didnt like it.

Lisa: yes and there is this one last hope but I haven't gotten it together because of well I have felt like **** and no fax

10:57 AM the one was approved but I wasn't able to make it since I was taking care of the equity opportunity plus getting all the others paid up

10:58 AM me: I can fax stuff for you.

Lisa: I now have all But the student loan which I'm making $60 extra a month on

I'm not relying on you any more

I frankly don't trust you any more

me: Because I've stolen so much money from us?

10:59 AM Lisa: You have proved time and time again I am meaninglessly and easily thrown away

me: Well, the same could be said for you in regards to me, but why go down that road again, right?

You see NOTHING wrong with ANY of your behavior, and I am a horrible person, right? So be it.

But I would never do anything to screw you over, you know that.

11:00 AM So if you need my help, please tell me.

11:04 AM Lisa: I never said you was a terrible person that was you to me. How I 'abandoned you', how I 'am a terrible wife' and all the other things I'm terrible at...and even after I tried to "fix" myself

11:05 AM me: You're not terrible, Lisa. I'm sorry if I gave that impression.

Lisa: you just kept doing all things that told me you have moved on and didn't care about my feelings or well being

11:06 AM me: I do care about both of those.

The reason why I presented you with a DIFFERENT opinion was because I care.

Otherwise I'd sit back and watch the trainwreck that is about to ensue.

Or could potentially ensue.

11:07 AM You're a good person, Lisa.

I wouldn't have married you otherwise.

Lisa: Your actions say otherwise

11:08 AM me: ok. I have no more "argue" left in me, so can we agree not to argue?

What would you like me to make you and the kids for dinner tonight?

I believe you are picking up a horse if I recall but you would be home for dinner?

11:09 AM Lisa: I have dinner with a bunch of rescue people that are coming up to check in on the rescue

11:10 AM me: Oh. I see. Was not told that. I can take the kids out for wings or something then maybe.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like she wants to play the aggressor but feign the victim. Good luck with coming to any sort of agreement that doesn't include folding totally.

[Heart Broken Geek]

Sounds like she wants to play the aggressor but feign the victim. Good luck with coming to any sort of agreement that doesn't include folding totally.

 

You're absolutely correct. I feel like she just wants me to throw my hands up and say "Ok, fine, I'll stay" out of sheer exhaustion.

[Philosoraptor]

Well then stay out of her life totally.

[Heart Broken Geek]

Well then stay out of her life totally.

Currently still living with her, with two children. Even once I move out, I won't be able to stay out of her life totally. But I can certainly limit our interactions.

[marqueemoon4]

Crazy cat ladies. Crazy horse lovers. Pets are great, but wow do some people overdo it.

[Janesays]

This relationship sounds borderline abusive. Please leave as soon as possible. I'd try to get the kids too. What if one of those dogs she keeps insisting on bringing into the house mauls one of them? You already had an episode with them killing a kitten. How traumatic.

[maybealone]

I found a recent chat between her and I to give you an insight into what I am dealing with.

 

And if my husband had a sister, I would think they were related.

 

I hope you managed to have a nice holiday, especially the kids.

[Heart Broken Geek]

And if my husband had a sister, I would think they were related.

 

I hope you managed to have a nice holiday, especially the kids.

 

 

I did my best to make it good for the kids, I am sure she did the same.

 

I didn't want to make this a new post, so I figured I would add this here (if you can't tell, I am so full of self doubt that I haven't done enough over the years, or that I am judging her harshly or being petty that it is so nice to have a place with people who don't know me to look at this objectively):

 

This past Wednesday or Thursday, we had another argument/talk. I basically told her (again) that I need someone who is affectionate and tender to me. and I need the spending of outrageous amounts of money to cease immediately. I also need the animal crap to stop, immediately. I am done with it. I explained we had a three day weekend coming up (new years weekend) and I would love if we could be civil to each other and respectful.

 

I told her I am tired of having the same argument as we have done for the last 6 years.

 

I find out on Saturday that she is going down to WVA (we live in Ohio) Monday to purchase a new horse for $1500. I was not consulted for this purchase, nor am I ever. I am a coal miners son, so the idea of spending even $15 on myself is troublesome, let alone $1500. And can you imagine if I were to spend $1500 on myself, with OUT consulting her?

 

Anyway, her and my daughter leave at 5:30 AM to go get the horse. I go to my moms about 11 AM, she wants my help putting decorations away (she's 68 and it was really cold out). I get a text from the wife that says "We were in an accident. Everyone is ok".

 

I ask her if my daughter was scared, she replied she was but a mutual friend that went with them calmed her down.

 

I said "good" and that was the end of the conversation.

 

When I get home at 4 PM, she had just gotten home herself.

 

I asked her "How much has this horse cost us now? Gas? etc?" Because she hit black ice and hit another vehicle. No one was hurt, but there is damage to the truck, trailer and the other persons car. So that will need fixed, and I am sure our insurance will go up, as well as the $150 she was cited for the ticket.

 

She immediately goes off on ME, "F*** you, you didn't even ask if I was ok!!" At which point I read her text outloud to her, "Was in an accident, EVERYONE is OK". I assume you sent me that text, yes? And I am looking at you, you seem fine.

 

I realize I was probably being insensitive, but I am so angry about this lack of respect and this money going out the door I KNOW we don't have.

 

She then flips it some more and goes off "All you care about is the money! That's all you care about!!"

 

First off, if she had ever acted like she loved me, she could spend every penny we had. Second off, I am the least money centric person in the world. Before I met her, I never cared about money, never worried about it, never wondered where it was going to come from. After i met her, I am consumed by it, because she is always telling me how little I make and how broke we are. At one point I was applying for jobs all over to supplement my income and I was amazed at how hard it was to find a part time job.

 

Regardless, for her to tell ME all I care about is money, after she basically cost us what I am sure will end up being $3k all in the name of a horse has me incensed. Am I being overly sensitive to think she was out of line? I am so miserable. I believe today I will be filling out an apartment application and HOPEFULLY she hasn't destroyed my credit so much I can't get it.

 

My issue (and at this point I realize I am babbling) is she is really good at making me feel like my concerns are silly and I am in the wrong for even questioning her on this. Like somehow, I need to be more supportive.

 

EDIT**** I forgot to add, in fairness to her, if a stranger was to confront her about this, her defense would be that she makes significantly more than I do, so she can spend her money as she sees fit. I do not get that option, which, is fine. There are things I would LIKE to have, expensive things, but if I had $4k to spend on a new Les Paul for myself, or something for a significant other, it would be on the SO every time.

Edited January 3, 2012 by Heart Broken Geek

[Philosoraptor]

Still playing the aggressor but feigning the victim I see. I was with someone who was the same way for a long time... you can't win. Logic just ceases to make sense to them.

[Heart Broken Geek]

Still playing the aggressor but feigning the victim I see. I was with someone who was the same way for a long time... you can't win. Logic just ceases to make sense to them.

 

 

That is how I feel as well. It's like I'm standing in a room looking at a pink elephant going "Why is there a pink elephant in the room?" and she's going "If there was an elephant here, you put it here, why would you do that to me?!?!"

 

huh?

 

I like you, man. I wish I could be as assured of my decisions. I am usually very logical (I work in IT) except when it comes to this relationship.