Separated, Heading for Divorce With Horse Loving Wife

[Philosoraptor]

I was the same way... very logical outside of my previous relationship.

 

Great advice my therapist gave me was to take a step back and imagine a sibling or your best friend was telling you all of this... what advice would you give them? Once you go through that in your head you need to take that advice because you know rationally that is what is best for you and what will lead you to happiness. You can only control so much so try and take control of yourself.

[Heart Broken Geek]

I was the same way... very logical outside of my previous relationship.

 

Great advice my therapist gave me was to take a step back and imagine a sibling or your best friend was telling you all of this... what advice would you give them? Once you go through that in your head you need to take that advice because you know rationally that is what is best for you and what will lead you to happiness. You can only control so much so try and take control of yourself.

 

Thanks, man. I believe I am grabbing an apartment application on my lunch. It may not seem like much but it is an important first step I think.

[Philosoraptor]

Any step is good. But don't rush yourself either. You need to go at a comfortable pace. But know when you are lingering as well and at those times you need to make yourself take a step.

[2sunny]

She seems intent on doing what she's going to do, no matter how you "feel" about it.

 

That's not loving behavior.

 

You DO have choices. Implement choices and changes that will make you happy.

 

Since she's not working at the M - theres really nothing to work on.

 

Start with change - knowing that what you are doing isn't working.

 

Know that when you implement the changes to make you happy - happiness does come!

 

I feel for you - but know that you can't MAKE her do things your way... So it's best to accept that and let her do what she intends to do... That way you can find what makes YOU happy without her agenda being in charge.

[Heart Broken Geek]

Any step is good. But don't rush yourself either. You need to go at a comfortable pace. But know when you are lingering as well and at those times you need to make yourself take a step.

 

 

Yeah, we have been going in circles for at least 5 agonizing months (discounting the YEARS where I was passive about my suffering). This weekend though made it feel like she has zero respect for me. It isn't the first time I asked her specifically not to do something and she did it. I get the feeling she thinks of me as an incorrigible child that she could placate with sex once a month (take one for the "team") and all would be well.

 

I grabbed an application and opened a checking account with money I had been saving. On one hand, I am proud of myself. On the other hand, I also feel like I want to puke.

[Heart Broken Geek]

She seems intent on doing what she's going to do, no matter how you "feel" about it.

 

That's not loving behavior.

 

You DO have choices. Implement choices and changes that will make you happy.

 

Since she's not working at the M - theres really nothing to work on.

 

Start with change - knowing that what you are doing isn't working.

 

Know that when you implement the changes to make you happy - happiness does come!

 

I feel for you - but know that you can't MAKE her do things your way... So it's best to accept that and let her do what she intends to do... That way you can find what makes YOU happy without her agenda being in charge.

 

The bold part is important because here recently I realized it was always about HER plans and what SHE wanted and what made HER happy.

[maybealone]

Am I being overly sensitive to think she was out of line?

 

No, not at all.

 

I forgot to add, in fairness to her, if a stranger was to confront her about this, her defense would be that she makes significantly more than I do, so she can spend her money as she sees fit.

 

But think about it... if you were the one making more money and you were spending it as you saw fit without concern for her, you'd be thought of as a controlling husband who had no respect for his wife. Just because it's the wife making more money doesn't make it any less wrong to not consider it family money.

 

I get the feeling she thinks of me as an incorrigible child

 

From my objective point of view, SHE is the one acting like an incorrigible child.

 

Great advice my therapist gave me was to take a step back and imagine a sibling or your best friend was telling you all of this... what advice would you give them? Once you go through that in your head you need to take that advice because you know rationally that is what is best for you and what will lead you to happiness. You can only control so much so try and take control of yourself.

 

That's really good advice. It's really easy for people who are caring and who are willing to put others first to be convinced that it's their fault for not trying hard enough. But a caring person is also likely to point out when someone else isn't being treated the way they deserve to be treated.

[Heart Broken Geek]

No, not at all.

 

 

 

But think about it... if you were the one making more money and you were spending it as you saw fit without concern for her, you'd be thought of as a controlling husband who had no respect for his wife. Just because it's the wife making more money doesn't make it any less wrong to not consider it family money.

 

 

 

From my objective point of view, SHE is the one acting like an incorrigible child.

 

 

 

That's really good advice. It's really easy for people who are caring and who are willing to put others first to be convinced that it's their fault for not trying hard enough. But a caring person is also likely to point out when someone else isn't being treated the way they deserve to be treated.

Thank you maybealone. It is nice to hear a woman's side of the issue. I found out yesterday that she had made an appointment with a realtor to sell the family house before the most recent blow up about the latest debacle. An appointment that I was not notified of, which selling the house SEEMS like a big deal.

 

Oh well, I hope there is a profit (I doubt it) so she can get herself a nice property to put her horses.

[Heart Broken Geek]

From my objective point of view, SHE is the one acting like an incorrigible child.

 

 

Her excuse for not letting me pay the bills is that when she met me (back when I was 26, I'm 38 now) I had no bills or debt save for one low limit credit card that I paid off monthly. One month they changed the due date on me and charged me a late fee.

 

From that point on I refused to pay it (I don't care about my credit or money, more so then) and ended up with a $3k debt for a $500 card. Was it mature or even the right thing to do? No, it was childish and impulsive. Would I do that now? No, not at all.

 

But that has been her reason for not letting me have access to our financial information. She treats me like EVERY ONE of my financial decisions were like this, which is no where near the truth.

 

In reality, I know she just doesn't want me to see where the money is going (horses).

[Owl]

Here's a thought...why should you need her "permission" to participate in paying the bills?

 

Simply TELL her point blank that you want to see the checkbook, the budget, and everything else. Make it clear that you're not asking...that you intend to PARTICIPATE in how the bills are paid, how the budget is managed.

 

As far as her choice to sell the house without your knowledge or participation...make it clear to her that the sale of JOINT MARITAL PROPERTY requires discussion.

 

It seems to me that you have given her all of the power and control over the years...seems like it's time to start taking that back. She doesn't respect you...she can't respect you if she can walk all over you.

 

Time to INSIST on what you need. Set boundaries in what you'll accept from her, and be prepared to let her suffer consequences for violating those boundaries when it happens. Because it will, until she learns that you're serious and intend to enforce them.

 

Also...you need to see a lawyer about your legal options when it comes to the marital finances and how the money is spent.

[2sunny]

Do you sign your tax returns? You must have an idea how much money she claims to earn... Get that info - you're going to need copies of it anyway if you see an attorney.

 

If you have signed a tax return - you've seen the money she makes. Tell her you also want to see bank statements and all investment/expense related data.

[stopdropandroll]

Geek: Have a look at this and see if it makes any sense to you. Based on your posts so far some of it sounds like it fits and the site might be helpful in getting you to see things for what they are.

 

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/crazy-bitch-quiz/

[Heart Broken Geek]

Geek: Have a look at this and see if it makes any sense to you. Based on your posts so far some of it sounds like it fits and the site might be helpful in getting you to see things for what they are.

 

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/crazy-bitch-quiz/

 

Wow. 14 of those I can say "yes" to...

[jaymz]

WOW. I can say yes to most of those too, some more than others...

[worldgonewrong]

Whoa!

Aside from ticking off "yes" to a lot of those questions, this particular quote in the article really hit home for me:

 

Ironically, most of the time they were shamed and pathologized into seeking counseling by these women.

 

That happened to me. I spun my wheels in therapy for 2 years -- at her urgent behest -- before I woke up and realized that SHE wasn't doing one darn bit of honest self-introspection or therapy.

[stopdropandroll]

Whoa!

Aside from ticking off "yes" to a lot of those questions, this particular quote in the article really hit home for me:

 

 

 

That happened to me. I spun my wheels in therapy for 2 years -- at her urgent behest -- before I woke up and realized that SHE wasn't doing one darn bit of honest self-introspection or therapy.

 

My wife forced me into counseling to fix my issues. It was through counseling that I learned it was my wife who was the abuser and that she exhibited a lot of the signs of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). It did a bunch of reading and came upon the shrink4men site (among others).

 

It seems like some kind of cruel joke that someone could treat another human being like that much less their own spouse. At least I know I'm not going crazy...

 

Geek: What you're going through really sucks but I believe knowledge is power and can help you navigate your way through this. At the least you can make better informed decisions.

[Heart Broken Geek]

My wife forced me into counseling to fix my issues. It was through counseling that I learned it was my wife who was the abuser and that she exhibited a lot of the signs of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). It did a bunch of reading and came upon the shrink4men site (among others).

 

It seems like some kind of cruel joke that someone could treat another human being like that much less their own spouse. At least I know I'm not going crazy...

 

Geek: What you're going through really sucks but I believe knowledge is power and can help you navigate your way through this. At the least you can make better informed decisions.

 

 

My wife has some BPD traits but man the NPD thing has her written all over it. I am so glad you posted that link. I was well past my breaking point but holding on to feelings of remorse and second guessing (mainly for the kids) and "have I done enough" even though A) I know I have done more than enough and B) at this point it doesn't matter what she does, I am done. Then I read that blog. Not just the quiz but the comments. Its like some switch went off inside of me and my path has become crystal clear. Thank you.

[stopdropandroll]

My wife has some BPD traits but man the NPD thing has her written all over it. I am so glad you posted that link. I was well past my breaking point but holding on to feelings of remorse and second guessing (mainly for the kids) and "have I done enough" even though A) I know I have done more than enough and B) at this point it doesn't matter what she does, I am done. Then I read that blog. Not just the quiz but the comments. Its like some switch went off inside of me and my path has become crystal clear. Thank you.

 

There is hope and it does get better. Having a clearer picture of what's really going on is huge in being able to move forward. I was stuck for a long time in a place where I felt completely inadequate and trying to figure out what I was doing wrong or not enough of to make my wife happy. What a pit of despair!

 

I've found it therapeutic reading other people's stories and experiences as I know I'm not alone. It can be really hard getting support from even those closest to us as people don't understand the "drama." On the surface it appears to be somewhat normal behavior or behavior in response to our bad behavior.

 

People simply just don't get it and the whole personality disorder thing isn't well recognized in our society. Before I even knew any of this stuff I used to tell my confidant that my wife was always 15 degrees off. Doesn't account to much in the short term but over the long haul she's off on a different planet.

[maybealone]

My wife has some BPD traits but man the NPD thing has her written all over it. I am so glad you posted that link. I was well past my breaking point but holding on to feelings of remorse and second guessing (mainly for the kids) and "have I done enough" even though A) I know I have done more than enough and B) at this point it doesn't matter what she does, I am done.

 

I have been reading a lot about NPD lately too. Throughout my entire marriage, I have always felt as though no one will ever be as important to my husband as himself. Reading the NPD stuff makes me think that wasn't all in my head. I see that in your posts, too. I know the horses are important to her, but that's not really the issue -- the issue is that what she wants will probably always matter to her more than what anyone else wants.

[CopingGal]

Okay, so first let me say that I do think your wife is helping to make the world a better place. I think what she is doing is wonderful. HOWEVER, neglecting the kids and the house is a very bad thing. As the phrase goes, charity begins at home....not in the barn. I think letting you stay sick and spending the money on a fake horse tail...there's something wrong there. Although your wife is doing wonderful things for animals, it sounds like she has some mental problems.

 

I'm sorry you are going through so much. I love animals, but I could not be in a relationship in which I felt disregarded for animals on a regular basis.

 

I think 80 bucks a month on a crapper is exessive. It sounds like she doesn't care about your feelings. It sounds like she should not have custody of kids.

 

Was she like this when you first got married? If not, what happened to change? Could she be fixated on horses because she has problems she does not want to deal with?

[CopingGal]

I was in a relationship with someone who had sociopathic traits and narcissitic personality disorder traits. The things he did were so bizzarre, so completely over the top selfish. He only had remorse when he had an agenda...if there was no agenda - no remorse. I stay FAR away from him.