Casual Relationship

[calndn]

Hello

i guess writing here says it all really but i'll go ahead and tell my story anyway.

 

i met this guy in a club, yep not the best situation! Anyway, back at the end of the summer we went on a few dates, after the third i stayed over but we didnt have sex, then the next time we did so basically 4th date. From then on we still met up, went for drinks, went for walks etc then i would stay over, i enjoyed myself but started to panic thinking i was making all the effort and perhaps he only saw the whole thing as sex. i then went away for about 7 weeks for work, didnt hear a whole lot from him just 3/4 times. i gave up whilst i was away thinking that ok nevermind its just another guy thats not interested. Anyway i get back and a few weeks later i think oh what the hell and get back in touch, since then ive seen him 3 times, i enjoy his company we get on well, we make eachother laugh we are happy to just sit back and relax and watch tv, comfortable in silence if thats the case. Hes never cancelled a date, never gone against his word, never been a dick. i was over there the other night and stayed all day too and he said he would cook me a meal the following night. Anyway so i get a message sayung he has woken up with a terrible cold and might not be good company so can he postpone and cook for me another night, i was disappointed as i was looking forward to it, but these things happen and so be it, i had a cold when i went over there and he wasnt feeling all that well so i think ive given him mine!

 

Thing is is that when i was oer there the other night/day he was even more affectionate towards me and kept going on about how he wanted to cook for me and he would get his housemate to bring his gf over and cook for them too etc. This meeting up and staying over malarky has been going on for quite some time now and yes we went through a stage of sex texting and it was quite apparent that the 'relationship' was very much sex orientated. it isnt your average casual relationship we dont stay up all night having crazy sex, yes we have sex but mostly we chat banter and hang out. i know that people say fwb never works especially for girls, and althogh im ok with how it is now, im worried i will indeed fall for him, my disappointment at not seeing him due to him being ill worried me that i am after more.

 

i must say that we have never talked about whats going on/our situation. i know he hasnt got anyone else on the go so to speak and neither do i. He asked if i got with anyone whilst i was away and is always asking who people are if men ring me when im with him (always just friends).

 

i enjoy it, i have fun and thats the main thing right? but deep down i know i want a relationship (not necessarily with him but in general) im worried im going to get hurt, hes lovely but we arent committed, i guess im wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

 

xx

 

p.s excuse my non use of capital i's my keyboard is being a spaz!!

[ShannonMI]

Hello

i guess writing here says it all really but i'll go ahead and tell my story anyway.

 

i met this guy in a club, yep not the best situation! Anyway, back at the end of the summer we went on a few dates, after the third i stayed over but we didnt have sex, then the next time we did so basically 4th date. From then on we still met up, went for drinks, went for walks etc then i would stay over, i enjoyed myself but started to panic thinking i was making all the effort and perhaps he only saw the whole thing as sex. i then went away for about 7 weeks for work, didnt hear a whole lot from him just 3/4 times. i gave up whilst i was away thinking that ok nevermind its just another guy thats not interested. Anyway i get back and a few weeks later i think oh what the hell and get back in touch, since then ive seen him 3 times, i enjoy his company we get on well, we make eachother laugh we are happy to just sit back and relax and watch tv, comfortable in silence if thats the case. Hes never cancelled a date, never gone against his word, never been a dick. i was over there the other night and stayed all day too and he said he would cook me a meal the following night. Anyway so i get a message sayung he has woken up with a terrible cold and might not be good company so can he postpone and cook for me another night, i was disappointed as i was looking forward to it, but these things happen and so be it, i had a cold when i went over there and he wasnt feeling all that well so i think ive given him mine!

 

Thing is is that when i was oer there the other night/day he was even more affectionate towards me and kept going on about how he wanted to cook for me and he would get his housemate to bring his gf over and cook for them too etc. This meeting up and staying over malarky has been going on for quite some time now and yes we went through a stage of sex texting and it was quite apparent that the 'relationship' was very much sex orientated. it isnt your average casual relationship we dont stay up all night having crazy sex, yes we have sex but mostly we chat banter and hang out. i know that people say fwb never works especially for girls, and althogh im ok with how it is now, im worried i will indeed fall for him, my disappointment at not seeing him due to him being ill worried me that i am after more.

 

i must say that we have never talked about whats going on/our situation. i know he hasnt got anyone else on the go so to speak and neither do i. He asked if i got with anyone whilst i was away and is always asking who people are if men ring me when im with him (always just friends).

 

i enjoy it, i have fun and thats the main thing right? but deep down i know i want a relationship (not necessarily with him but in general) im worried im going to get hurt, hes lovely but we arent committed, i guess im wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

 

xx

 

p.s excuse my non use of capital i's my keyboard is being a spaz!!

If you want a serious relationship with this guy, you need to tell him. I think eventually you will get hurt with this FWB arrangement. Usually that's what happens. One person starts to get feelings while the other doesn't and just wants to continue banging. It never works out. I would discuss things with him about perhaps being exclusive and having a legit relationship. You never know, he could want the same thing. If he doesn't want that, then say adiós!!! Don't continue on with the casual thing when you know you are falling harder and harder for him. You will end up disappointed and hurt. Believe me I've been there.

[jerbear]

I would discuss things with him about perhaps being exclusive and having a legit relationship. You never know, he could want the same thing. If he doesn't want that, then say adiós!!! Don't continue on with the casual thing when you know you are falling harder and harder for him.

 

Agree with this part.

[calndn]

ShannonMi thank you for your response. i know that it is what i should do, but what is so difficult is how do you even bring up a conversation involving commitment/making what is essentially a casual arrangement something more when its so far down the line? i would be embarrassed if he turned around and was like no i dont want that. Yes i'd have to walk away, which is fine, as you say its not worth continuing with it if i know there is no chance of anything more meanwhile falling for him more and more. ive said to myself to bring it up before but then chickened out when i got the chance. Part of me thinks there is no chance he wants more, but who knows? He sometimes goes quiet on me for quite a few days and that makes me think that he is ok and can deal with the situation. That also might be me reading too much into it which i do very often!

 

i always go to his, hes been to mine once, i dont live in an ideal place as im living with my parents whilst buying my own place, i dont invite him here because i dont want the questions/them knowing its not something committed. i guess i havent been overly apparent in my real feelings and think i should, or i will never know.

[ShannonMI]

ShannonMi thank you for your response. i know that it is what i should do, but what is so difficult is how do you even bring up a conversation involving commitment/making what is essentially a casual arrangement something more when its so far down the line? i would be embarrassed if he turned around and was like no i dont want that. Yes i'd have to walk away, which is fine, as you say its not worth continuing with it if i know there is no chance of anything more meanwhile falling for him more and more. ive said to myself to bring it up before but then chickened out when i got the chance. Part of me thinks there is no chance he wants more, but who knows? He sometimes goes quiet on me for quite a few days and that makes me think that he is ok and can deal with the situation. That also might be me reading too much into it which i do very often!

 

i always go to his, hes been to mine once, i dont live in an ideal place as im living with my parents whilst buying my own place, i dont invite him here because i dont want the questions/them knowing its not something committed. i guess i havent been overly apparent in my real feelings and think i should, or i will never know.

I know it's hard to have this type of conversation. Maybe you could write him a letter if sitting him down and talking face to face is uncomfortable. Although it sounds like you have a good friendship with this guy. It shouldn't be that difficult to just say the next time you hang out "hey I really want to talk to you about something." I mean it's that easy to start the conversation. Just practice what you want to say before you actually sit him down to tell him.

 

I have difficulty talking face to face with some men about relationship sh*t. And then there are some that I feel totally comfortable around and can say whatever is on my mind. The last guy I dated wanted a FWB type of thing and I was always talking to him about making things legit. I eventually dumped him because he didn't want it and for other reasons. But he was someone who was easy to talk to. It's funny because now he wants to be with me in a relationship and I think we are going to give it a go. It took him a few months to get his sh*t together and decide he wanted to have something serious with me. This guy you are involved with may at first reject the idea, but may come around eventually. You do need to make it known ASAP, in some way, that you have these feelings and you want to take it to the next level.

 

So you need to decide how you want to approach this. Either be brave and talk face to face or write him a letter. It depends how comfortable you are with him.

[calndn]

i think i have to be brave and just go ahead and talk to him. i guess its just embarrassing in a way but once its all out in the open hopefully it will be like a weight lifted off my shoulders, either way, as great if he thinks the same, and if he doesnt, well at least he knows how i feel and it might give him something to think about.

 

i like having someone around i guess so if it was to ruin what we have id feel a bit gutted, but then again if its never going to become something whats the point anyway? The way i look at it is if he doesnt want anything then maybe he could just do until someone 'better' 'relationship wanting' comes along!

 

How did you feel when your fwb didnt want anything more? What was it that made him not want a relationship? Was it because essentially he had everything with you anyway without the commitment?

 

i fell into this situation and its weird how its become the way it has. nothing has ever been said. :-s

xx

[ShannonMI]

i think i have to be brave and just go ahead and talk to him. i guess its just embarrassing in a way but once its all out in the open hopefully it will be like a weight lifted off my shoulders, either way, as great if he thinks the same, and if he doesnt, well at least he knows how i feel and it might give him something to think about.

 

i like having someone around i guess so if it was to ruin what we have id feel a bit gutted, but then again if its never going to become something whats the point anyway? The way i look at it is if he doesnt want anything then maybe he could just do until someone 'better' 'relationship wanting' comes along!

 

How did you feel when your fwb didnt want anything more? What was it that made him not want a relationship? Was it because essentially he had everything with you anyway without the commitment?

 

i fell into this situation and its weird how its become the way it has. nothing has ever been said. :-s

xx

He didn't want a legit thing because he was moving back to California where is originally from. He was only here in NY for 4 months over the summer for work. I could understand his reasons, but at the same time, I hated just being friends with him. I don't like FWB relationships. I want commitment and exclusivity when I'm sexually involved with someone.

 

He has since changed his mind because he says he misses me horribly and is planning to move back to NY January 1st. So now we can have a real relationship. There are other issues that we need to iron out, but if those things work out, we'll be good.

 

It will be hard to give this guy up if he rejects your offer, but you need to stay strong and stick to your guns. You deserve something serious. Don't continue to settle for FWB when you know you don't want it. You will just get hurt.