Is fiance hinting he doesn't want me to come?

[renata]

Weird question, most people will probably think I'm reading into this, but I know our dynamic and this is kind of weird:

 

My fiance is the best man in a destination wedding. He received a save the date in the mail, addressed only to him, a few months ago. We were engaged for several months before he was asked to be in the wedding; I've never met the guy getting married but he friend requested me on FB when we got engaged.

 

Ever since my fiance got the save the date I've been asking him if I'm invited, since it's not clear from the save the date, and I need to take time off work relatively far in advance. Literally every time I ask he says "I don't know, has the invitation come yet? I can find out!" But then he never does find out. The wedding is in 2 months.

 

Today my fiance brought up the destination bachelor party, mentioned the date of the wedding, etc. So I asked again if I was invited.

 

His response: I'm not sure. I thought you said we can't afford to both go/take off work and that I had to go alone. I can find out if you wanna go, no problem!

 

I said that I never said this, pointed out that I've asked him a couple times since he got the invitation if I was invited, and asked if he didn't want me to go or something.

 

He insisted that he was 100% positive that I told him he was going alone to this wedding, but that I could go if wanted, and did I remember if he got an invitation yet.

Edited December 21, 2011 by renata

[SoMovinOn]

Quit making an issue of it. Just tell him you're going with him. End of discussion.

[Philosoraptor]

Is he normally forgetful or have a history of misremembering things? If not then he may want to go alone. Not sure of your relationship dynamic though so I can't be sure. But from the little you said it does seem like he is trying to get you to agree with his going alone.

[renata]

He can be a little forgetful sometimes, but he's on top of things (bach party, his tux, looking at flights, etc.), so I don't really buy it in this case. It is downright weird that he is claiming I told him I'm not going.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like he is reaching to me.

[reboot]

It doesn't sound like he's "hinting" to me. If you want to go, just tell him you're going. If he has a problem with that, he needs to tell you what it is.

[Philosoraptor]

I'd agree. If you want to go make that clear. No need to play games about it. Without anything else say "I'm going to talk with (whomever) to schedule the time off of work so I can go with you to the wedding". You can guage really quick if he didn't want you to tag along.

[renata]

I thought I was pretty clear that I wanted to go by asking him if I was invited so I could take work off, but I see what you're saying.

 

Afterward he brought up our honeymoon, and I suggested that we discuss a budget and then plan it. His response was not to worry about it, we have plenty of money, and then he broke it all down (basically $65k in savings that can be spent, so there's plenty of $, not to mention other options such as we can both work OT, etc. if I don't want to dip into savings AND we don't curb our current discretionary spending in order to save, which we could easily do)

 

THEN he said but in general he agrees we should come up with a budget and we can discuss what's not necessary to spend on, and gave the example of 2 flights/housesitter for both of us to go to his friend's wedding! Wth?

 

I asked why he didn't want me to go to his friend's wedding and he said I can come if I want, that he's just trying to make me happy because I said I wanted to make a budget Even though his friend's wedding had nothing to do with my budget proposal.

 

This is so weird, I feel like he's playing mind games.

Edited December 21, 2011 by renata

[PlumPrincess]

He doesn't want you to come with him. I don't know the reason, but I recognize his attempts to convince you to stay at home.

 

If you want to know the answer, you will have to flat out ask him.

[renata]

He doesn't want you to come with him. I don't know the reason, but I recognize his attempts to convince you to stay at home.

 

If you want to know the answer, you will have to flat out ask him.

 

I did flat out ask him and he said I can come if I want, that he's just trying to give me the answer I want Which makes no sense to me.

[Lauriebell82]

First rule of thumb, you need to tackle one problem at a time. Bringing up your honeymoon budget in the same conversation as his friend's wedding is just deflecting the real issue at hand and causing more miscommunicatin and confusion.

 

He said he doesn't care if you come, he may or not not be trying to convince you NOT to. However, he did say you could come. So go. It sounds to me like you are feeling insecure about the relationship and reading into what he is saying. Some men play mind games, a lot don't. Request time off work, and say you are coming with him to the wedding.

 

Conversation over.

 

I did flat out ask him and he said I can come if I want, that he's just trying to give me the answer I want Which makes no sense to me.

 

What about that doesn't make sense? It sounds like he is trying to make you happy and to get you to stop asking him about it. As I said before, you sound like you have insecurities and you are actually LOOKING for him to say he doesn't want you to come..or that he is just bsing you by saying he wants you to come. Men hate insecurity, so step up to the plate and go to the wedding.

Edited December 21, 2011 by Lauriebell82

[PlumPrincess]

I did flat out ask him and he said I can come if I want, that he's just trying to give me the answer I want Which makes no sense to me.

I'd say, there's a hidden agenda.

[shayla]

It seems suspect to me. I would flat out ask him. "Do you want to go alone, and why?"

 

You will have an answer no matter what he says.

[renata]

First rule of thumb, you need to tackle one problem at a time. Bringing up your honeymoon budget in the same conversation as his friend's wedding is just deflecting the real issue at hand and causing more miscommunicatin and confusion.

 

He said he doesn't care if you come, he may or not not be trying to convince you NOT to. However, he did say you could come. So go. It sounds to me like you are feeling insecure about the relationship and reading into what he is saying. Some men play mind games, a lot don't. Request time off work, and say you are coming with him to the wedding.

 

Conversation over.

 

 

 

What about that doesn't make sense? It sounds like he is trying to make you happy and to get you to stop asking him about it. As I said before, you sound like you have insecurities and you are actually LOOKING for him to say he doesn't want you to come..or that he is just bsing you by saying he wants you to come. Men hate insecurity, so step up to the plate and go to the wedding.

 

They were 2 separate conversations, both initiated by him. I'm not insecure about our relationship at all, but as I stated in the OP this is a weird dynamic for us so I'm wondering what his deal is.

 

It doesn't make sense because his actions are telling me one thing, and his words are half the time telling me one thing and the other half telling me the opposite.

 

He has denied me information throughout his planning around this activity, and he has said he would get information and then not followed through. These actions tell me that he doesn't really want me to come.

 

The only thing I have ever said about this wedding is when is it and am I invited because I need to know to take work off. But then today he pretends that he thought I said he was going alone because I thought we can't afford for us both to go. When I say this was not the case was the first time he said the opposite: I can come if I want (yet he's still not saying he wants me to come). I 100% do not buy that he thought I said I wasn't coming to this wedding, AND we can clearly afford for us both to go. If he was concerned with money there are other areas that would be cut back on, not on one airline ticket.

 

Later on he brings up our honeymoon and when I say we should come up with a honeymoon budget he uses this as an opportunity to say how much money we have, how we can afford everything we want, and that we don't need to make a honeymoon budget...but speaking of budgets we should come up with a general budget, so maybe we can start by saving money by having me not come to his buddy's wedding.

 

Sorry, but I think that's fing weird.

 

And then when I call him out on it he again says that I can come if I want, but he thought I wanted to make a budget. The budget I proposed had nothing to do with what he proposed.

 

He is sending really mixed signals. It is very confusing. We are not normally like this.

 

But anyways, I guess I'm going, and if he doesn't like it it's his own fault for not speaking up about what he wants.

Edited December 21, 2011 by renata

[allina]

I do not think that the OP is over thinking this.

 

He should want to his fiance to go to the wedding with him. If he wanted her to come he would more forward with making it happen. He would ask her about booking flights, getting time off work, he'd be on top of it. I think he is avoiding the issue I'm just not sure why.

 

Is the relationship good otherwise?

[renata]

I do not think that the OP is over thinking this.

 

He should want to his fiance to go to the wedding with him. If he wanted her to come he would more forward with making it happen. He would ask her about booking flights, getting time off work, he'd be on top of it. I think he is avoiding the issue I'm just not sure why.

 

Is the relationship good otherwise?

 

That's exactly what I think.

 

We have disagreements and fight about things, but I think that's all pretty normal stuff. We don't have fights very often or anything like that. No cheating or trust issues.

 

I'm not saying that either are true or have to make sense, but the only 3 scenarios that I can come up with for why he wouldn't want me to come:

 

1. The only person who will be at the wedding that my fiance will know is the groom, he doesn't even know the bride (until after the bach party anyways...). I won't know anyone, and haven't even met the groom. Maybe fiance thinks that I won't have a good time or will be a burden? But if this was the case I don't know why he wouldn't just point this out as a reason I might not want to come.

 

2. Once, a year or two ago, I got pretty mad at my fiance about how he acted in a social situation. I didn't say anything at the time, I waited until we were home, there was no alcohol involved and we were alone, to bring it up, but ever since then the few times I have said something about how something he does or says makes me feel, no matter how small, he makes a huge deal out of it and acts like I'm never happy with anything...this is in spite of the fact that we go out socially with other people at least twice a week, and 99% of the time there are no problems. He also briefly had an issue with me contradicting him, which he pointed out and I have since completely corrected the problem (ex: in a situation where everyone was complaining about cooking dinner he'd chime in with them, and I'd teasingly say something like "since when do you cook", since he does not cook ever, never has, never will). This hasn't been an issue for like 2 years. But maybe he's afraid something like this will come up?? It seems very minor to me though.

 

3. The last time fiance saw the groom was just before he and I got "serious". He went to visit the groom for a week, and they basically drank on boats all day and drank at bars all night. Maybe he did something that he's afraid I'll find out about.

[renata]

The bachelor party is a different destination about a month before the wedding, so that's definitely not his concern.

 

I did consider what you mentioned in your post JAP, but I'm not sure that's it, because the only person my fiance knows is the groom, who will be busy with all his family, not to mention the friends that he is actually close to (he sees fiance once every couple years, and they don't talk in between), so I would think my fiance would want me there. But, what do I know

[PlumPrincess]

He has a reason why he doesn't want you to come and he has not enough intelligence and social skills to deal with it in an appropriate way.

 

I used to have a friend who invited me to her wedding and uninvited me in the next sentence. She had called me on the phone and talked about the wedding for an hour without inviting me, so I knew something was going on. She invited me and immediately said something like that she would understand that I didn't want to come since it was so far away. I was like, "Huh? I haven't said anything yet!?! She couldn't say that she didn't want me at the wedding and she knew she would have to invite me and that was her solution for it.

 

Half a year later, she got wedded in the church and had a party. This time I was properly invited. I decided not to go, because of the previous incident. Another friend of hers was sick and for some other reason also didn't want to go. When I called my friend and told her I didn't want to come and that one of the reason was also how she had handled the previous wedding, she started crying, because the only friends she actually had was me and this other friend and we both didn't want to come to the wedding. In the end, I did go, because she was my friend after all.

 

I think your fiancé and my friend are very similar. They're clumsy, naive manipulator. They think that when they state something as a fact it becomes reality.

[BeyondtheClouds]

Renata, I am concerned about this for you as well. Having lived in England for a while, I have noticed that for those who are panning their wedding, they can be very literal about who is invited. That is, when two people are not married, then it is not necessary to invite both. My ex husband's ex gf mentioned that she refused to invite the live in bf of one of her friends. On another occasion, when the cousin of my husband sent out invitations, it was clear that my BIL's live in gf was not invited either.

 

So much for the lesson in culture. If your fiance did not come up with this reason on his own, then there's no need to help him.

 

I hate to say this something must be going on here. At the moment if I were in such a situation, I would simply force the issue, buy my ticket and go.

 

As the fiance of one of the wedding guests (or is he a groomsman?) you are hardly a fly by night date. Even as an American, I can understand the wedding party wanting to control the guest list and not allowing every and any guest to bring along a friend or the last person they met through online dating; or the second cousin once removed who happens to be visiting that weekend.

 

Good luck and let us know what happens. It's best to get these matters straightened out before you're married.

[quankanne]

but speaking of budgets we should come up with a general budget, so maybe we can start by saving money by having me not come to his buddy's wedding. this, coupled with what you said about his previous vacations spent drinking, leads me to believe he's paying you lip service, that he's really not interested in having you along because you may very well put a cramp in his plans to party with friends without having to worry about behaving because YOU'RE there. Because otherwise, he'd have been bugging YOU about getting things taken care of way ahead of time so that it would be one less worry to deal with.

 

if you're interested in going, and his invite has "+1" marked, go. Just be prepared to either be ignored in favor of his pleasures, or find yourself the object of his frustration because he really didn't want to have to entertain you on this trip.

 

just my 2 cents ....

[BeyondtheClouds]

****I hate to say this something must be going on here. At the moment if I were in such a situation, I would simply force the issue, buy my ticket and go. ****

 

the reason why I say this is because most likely, if you don't go, he will return from the wedding saying that you could've gone, you just didn't try hard enough to go.