Explain to an old friend that crazy past behavior was unrequited love?

[Standard-Fare]

This is long-winded but a weird story I think many will find interesting... and I could certainly use some advice.

 

Very soon I'll be visiting "Old Friend" (OF) across the country. She and I are cool now after some definite rough patches in our relationship.

 

I met OF about five years ago when we were coworkers. (Key details before continuing this story: I'm female/30/bisexual, was 25 when I met her.) From the moment we met I felt a strange and powerful chemistry. Assumed it was in my head until I started noticing unusual physical contact from her... lingering touches, breasts pressed against my back as she was passing me... and eventually, footsies-like games (every time we were at a table together, like at a work meeting, she would initiate that type of thing.)

 

I was confused but intrigued. Attracted. I assumed OF was a lesbian or bisexual ... but then one day I overheard her saying to someone else that she considered herself "99 percent straight." OK. More confused. And the touching and little games continued. I didn't put an end to that because like I said, I was attracted and intrigued, wanted to see where it was headed.

 

In the meantime, we developed a very close friendship. In my mind, it went beyond normal boundaries for two mid/late 20-something females. We hung out constantly, occasionally even had sleepovers (during which there would be some cuddling and mild messing around but we never once kissed, hooked up or really got close.) Neither of us dated a ton during this period and I realize now that was because we were effectively operating as a couple. I relied on her in that way.

 

Eventually I realized my emotions were involved -- that I'd fallen in love with her. But although she'd continued with vaguely lesbian-ish behavior and I knew she loved me as a friend, I was confident she wasn't IN love and also that she would never hook up with me. I believe she just had unconventional notions of female intimacy/friendship and also enjoyed the mild thrill of the undeniable chemistry we had. But I suspected she'd freak if she knew my feelings. I was also finding myself feeling possessive, jealous, etc. -- the range of unpleasant emotions you feel in an unrequited love situation. At that point I was like "F**k I need to get myself OUT of this."

 

One night I had a long conversation with OF where I told her I didn't think we could be close friends anymore. I was vague but suggested that our dynamic had become unhealthy for me. After that she was pretty good at withdrawing, keeping her distance, but I didn't succeed as well. It was DIFFICULT. We were coworkers who saw each other almost daily until she got a new job.

 

But what do you know, my crazy in-love feelings were still involved. And I admit to some shameful behavior during this time -- sobbing when I discovered she couldn't go on a trip for my birthday, for example. A few rambling, emotional emails. A couple BRAWLS. Stuff like that, which I am truly ashamed of now. We grew apart and it saddened me. The rare times when we did meet up were tense.

 

I consider it a blessing that she ultimately moved across the country. This was about two years ago. After a couple months of no contact, I woke up one day and realized my in-love feelings were totally gone. It was such a relief. I'd started dating someone seriously and OF was finally on the backburner in my life. A couple months later OF and I reestablished contact... just casual chats online, stuff like that. It was great to communicate with her as a friend, without the crazy feelings involved.

 

During the past year and half we've had a couple occasions of hanging out in person (for ex. she stayed with me for a few days while visiting her old city). Things have been TOTALLY FINE. Not weird. Maybe tinges of the old chemistry, but nothing strong and nothing either of us are interested in playing around with anymore. We're grown-ups, we've known each other for a long time, and she truly feels like an "Old Friend."

 

At this point our relationship consists of occasional phone calls, online chats, and emails, and maybe the possibility of seeing each other once a year or so. I don't know the intimate details of her life, don't want to, and she's the same with me. Basically it's the same way I'd deal with any long-distance friend.

 

The only thing that's unresolved for me is that "crazy" behavior I displayed in the past, when I was in love, the behavior that alienated her for a while. Sometimes I find myself getting the urge to say something to her about that. Explaining to her that I was in love with her for a while, that it was painful and confusing for me, that unrequited love is the only thing that could make me act that crazy ... and that I'm ashamed and sorry for it. But also assuring her that I don't feel that way at all anymore and am so grateful we survived that low period and are now friends.

 

In a way it would be means for me to finally acknowledge/validate an experience that ate up a few years of my life, and also force her to consider her own role in that experience.

 

Again, I'm visiting her next month for a few days. Do you all think it's worth having this conversation with her? If you were in OF's shoes, is this something you'd want to hear? Or should I leave this one alone?

Edited December 21, 2011 by Standard-Fare

[Sw3etdev1L]

"In a way it would be means for me to finally acknowledge/validate an experience that ate up a few years of my life, and also FORCE her to consider her own role in that experience".

 

What you say gives me the impression that you took her behavior as directly suggestive, because you say you are bisexual.

You said, she is 99% heterosexual.. 99% is a lot of being heterosexual..

She is basically saying she is heterosexual. She didn't declare herself bisexual.

I think you misinterpreted her behavior because you really liked her and wanted her to act as you wanted her to act.

¿What if she was not doing those "indirect suggestive movements", to arouse you?...

First you have to be sure she is bisexual.

If she isn't lesbian or bisexual, then I would be assuming you just saw what you wanted to see, and that your relationship was based in an innocent friendship..

Being aggressive definitely would be out of the question into assuming she was into you and really did flirtatiously act with you, and tell her that you used to like her... ¿for what?

First I would say... be sure she is bisexual or lesbian... then, if she tells you she is, you can tell her anything. ¿What if you just misinterpreted?

 

Truth is, if I'd have a woman friend and she touches me, or her boobie touches my arm, my shoulder whatever... I wouldn't even notice... because I am not aware of those things. She might not have done it on purpose.

[carhill]

Get it out and get it done. Whatever happens, happens. If it blows up the friendship, that. If it begins a romance, that. If it results in a heartfelt talk and continuation of the friendship, that.

 

Perhaps coming from a man who doesn't 'mess around' with his male friends, that's poor advice, but I'm a believer in transparency. Whatever friendship results or continues is real and authentic and the past is resolved and put to bed.

[NoMagicBullet]

While I agree with carhill on authentic friendships, I could see bringing this up going badly.

 

She says she's 99% heterosexual, but what does that mean to her? Could she have bisexual or lesbian leanings and not be acknowledging them or being "out" about it?

 

You seem to want to force her to acknowledge that she led you on -- although the same could be said of you, if you messed around with her and never said how you felt. But if you bring up the past, you could instead be forcing her to confront an identity she wants to keep hidden (or maybe part of the past she would like to be forgotten). Maybe you wouldn't agree with that, but she might feel that you are trying to "out" her, label her as bisexual or lesbian, and she might respond in a very negative way.

 

It seems like you want to bring this issue up more for yourself and for some sort of closure -- which you may not get -- rather than for any benefit to your friend or the current friendship. Ask yourself if it's worth bringing it up if you lose your Old Friend and don't get any satisfying explanations from her regarding "her role" in that part of your life.

 

Alternatively, you could just wait and see how things go between you now. Who knows -- she might raise the topic herself someday. Either way, I hope it works out OK for both of you.

[norajane]

The only thing that's unresolved for me is that "crazy" behavior I displayed in the past, when I was in love, the behavior that alienated her for a while. Sometimes I find myself getting the urge to say something to her about that. Explaining to her that I was in love with her for a while, that it was painful and confusing for me, that unrequited love is the only thing that could make me act that crazy ... and that I'm ashamed and sorry for it. But also assuring her that I don't feel that way at all anymore and am so grateful we survived that low period and are now friends.

 

In a way it would be means for me to finally acknowledge/validate an experience that ate up a few years of my life, and also force her to consider her own role in that experience.

 

You jumped from apologizing for your own behavior to forcing her to consider her role in the past - why do you want to force her to do that? Do you want an apology from her? Do you need her to verbally acknowledge that she flirted for fun and is sorry it ended up hurting you?

 

Make sure you know what your intentions are before you bring this up with her.

[Standard-Fare]

I've read these responses and I think those of you who suggested leaving this alone are right.

 

I do think there's a part of me that would like her to recognize that our friendship wasn't normal, that it crossed boundaries, and that she actively played a role in all of it. I'd like this acknowledgment because I want her to know that my craziness wasn't something that just emerged from thin air. It was the result of emotions I developed within this unconventional relationship that BOTH of us established.

 

But a) I think at some point it must have been crystal clear to her that I was in love -- these things are hard to mask -- and if she didn't confront it back then there's no chance she will now. And b) It was the past. It was a confusing time, but it's over and we're friends now in a healthy, less complicated way. Digging up old confusions could only set us back.

 

So thanks for the advice.

Edited January 6, 2012 by Standard-Fare