Underlying Depression

[beautifulearth83]

Hello All,

 

I hope you are well. I always appreciate being able to come on here and ask about things.

 

I'd like to ask for some advice on what to do about underlying feelings that I have. My best example would be today when I received a call from my job, the lady I usually speak to is very cheery and I usually go along with it, but it isn't parallel to my feelings. It doesn't feel real enough. I could easily, as I have before, say "Absolutely, that's fantastic, you have a wonderful day! Great!", but there isn't any emotional content. Unfortunately, this has affected other areas of my life.

 

I would much rather experience my feelings and allow them to heal, listen to sad songs and cry, that sort of thing, but there is always somebody around the corner, who is on some sort of cloud and when I interact with them, I lose ground and float away. It is like my inner child is being stuffed down or I am turning from him.

 

I'm wondering lately if this is something that anti-depressents are going to help, or if they are just going to cause me to never discover the feelings and thoughts inside that I could turn into gold.

 

My other idea would be to quit this job, which I think about a lot and find something more expressive, artistic or at least in an environment where I am interacting with people with whom I can have more dynamic interactions with.

 

I'm just a bit scared because sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself. I want to move in the direction of the things I love and that make me feel like me, but I also need a job and I'm not sure how much sense it makes to leave this one just because I have certain reactions to this lady. She did in fact ask me if I was down on the phone today, but I told her that I was just trying to stay present and focused, because sometimes when we talk on the phone it's really fast and "Sure, great that would be absolutely fantastic" as described above.

 

I don't wish to be down and affect others negatively. I think I do a pretty good job of taking responsibility for myself. The biggest issue I have is when I feel like I need to play a part.

 

I hope this makes sense.

 

Thanks for reading,

 

beautifulearth83

[nleeh]

I can understand not wanting to leave a secure job and branching out especially these days when jobs are not all that available. Perhaps it would be helpful to put feelers out - resumes- while staying put where your at till a position that brings out your creativity comes along. In the mean time, have you delved into other activities that bring out your creative nature?

 

Your post made me wonder if your sadness when encountering people who seem to be joyful and happy are due to underlining depression. I understand that when depression surrounds a person, it is disturbing to listen to those who are living happy and productive lives. When I was depressed, I wanted what they had. I was envious of their joy but played the part of being okay. I did that all the time because people in general are not interested in hearing our woes, our feelings of sadness or discontent when in fact, I wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear or shout out that not everyone is living on a cloud. It felt fake and life seemed unreal at those times.

 

I am an advocate of anti-depression medication. I tried a mi-raid of prescription medications till I found one that helped. The medication did not cover up my sadness, it helped me to come to the surface and face my problems, my feelings, and eventually I came to understand who I really am and what I wanted out of life. This is my experience only. Medication saved my life. Just wanted to pass that on to you. I have to add that I also tried therapy. It helped too, but not all therapist are the same. Once I opened up and explored the depths of my being, I had to move on and not not dwell continually on the past, which some therapist tend to do...keeping you locked into your sadness as if that is the only way out, but I did continue with medication and self help through personal research and putting myself into uncomfortable situations that helped open me up. Perhaps I'm way off base and your post is not what I reamed from it but I do hope you find the best solution for yourself.

 

nleeh

[beautifulearth83]

Thanks for your response, nleeh.

 

To answer your question, I do have a few creative outlets, although I haven't felt too driven to do them as of lately.

 

I'm having a lot of trouble taking my life into my own hands. Lately it seems that so much in my life depends on external circumstances, and I don't like to be that way. I don't feel like I have an internal world anymore, something that I have for only myself, a perspective to approach others from. I'm just sort of floating and crowd surfing through people's conversations and life events. Where is my life? That is the kind of question that comes to mind.

 

I've gotten into meditation and there are things I do to make an effort to build a life for myself, heal and become who I want to, but there are really people in my life that get in the way of this, that feed my bad habits, that are insensitive, that are stuck. I would like to save them, but I need to save myself first.

 

There is so much more to this life. I respect others choices and what they want and what makes them happy, but it is hard for me to just agree when it affects me negatively.

 

Perhaps this is just growing up. Perhaps you just realize all the things you don't like about the world. I'm not perfect, but I aim for joy and understanding.

 

Perhaps it is all me and I'm just ****ed up. Because that's how it feels. I feel like I lack compassion and the virtues I once lived by. My life has been this strange balancing act and I have been experimental in approaches to getting back to me. Me Me Me. That's all it's been. I want to get to the point where I've got me taken care of, so I can contribute to the world around me.

 

Anti-depressents come to mind for me, because it is not a good feeling to be around somebody who is intense and depressed. So much of me being down has to do with my complaints about the world around me and I'm thinking that if I went on the pills, maybe I would begin to see the light in where I am, instead of running away, becoming happy because of the better circumstances, but still having this big red button deep down, that if pressed, I go back to THIS me again.

 

The only concerns I have about the medication are the side-effects, mostly the sexual stuff and the numbing of emotions.

 

I don't know if the medications still work this way, but it is important for me to feel. I remember being quite frustrated when I took them in the past. But you say it helped bring you to the surface, so that makes me feel a bit more optimistic.

 

One thought I have is that I'm just so deep down, that I don't even realize it, nor do I have anybody who's slapping me in the head and saying, "C'mon dude, do something about this, this isn't ok". I mean, I know it's not ok, but I'm not really condemning myself either. I'm not kicking myself in the ass, which is what I feel like I need to do.

 

Anyway, I know this is kind of a rant, but it feels really good to write it.

 

Thanks again for reading.

 

Happy Holidays,

 

beautifulearth83