Nyquil Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 My wife and I were married almost 4 years, and have a 6 year old daughter. She recently asked me to move out after a rough year and a half. I wasn't sleeping around or drinking or anything....I was just not being loving. I was laid off from a job and got in a slump, therefore wasn't feeling good about myself. She filed for divorce and I'm trying to reconcile, for all the right reasons. She isn't saying yes, yet she isn't saying no. Our 4th Anniversary came around a month after i was out and I sent her roses with a simple love you card. Next time I was there she still had the roses on the mantle next to our framed marriage certificate. Does it mean anything that these things are still up, or is that false hope. She is very guarded at the moment, and although not downright cold she just isn't giving any signs. Do people actually manage sometimes to want to reverse the divorce process and successfully rekindle the relationship, or am I just hanging on? Help! Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 Originally posted by Nyquil I was just not being loving. I was laid off from a job and got in a slump, therefore wasn't feeling good about myself. Understandable in that situation! But great that you now see what the problem is. Everyone goes through bad times but when you love someone...they should Help you through..supporting and understanding. Do people actually manage sometimes to want to reverse the divorce process and successfully rekindle the relationship? ABSOLUTELY! Communication is the key...tell her exactly how you feel and why...Ask her the same....and LISTEN to her...how she feels and why... Discuss how much you loved each other in the first place...discuss your beautiful daughter that needs both of you...discuss what you both can do to fix the situation and make it even better than ever! It can be done and she sounds as if she would be open to this. Otherwise, NO the flowers wouldn't be out and the certificiate certainly wouldn't be! Just my opinion...Best of Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nyquil Posted May 31, 2004 Author Share Posted May 31, 2004 Thanks zoomer. This is killing me. I have a couple of days to respond to her petition and of course I'll check the "there seems to be a possibility of reconciliation" box, but sometimes I get down. I think she's already filed...so it's futile...then I think that sometimes people do reconcile while the paperwork is in the system. Basically my friend what I'm saying is my thoughts are fleeting...down and up, down and up. UGH. I had our daughter this weekend which was SOOOO nice. Yet dropping her off was a HUGE downer. Sad Daddy I was. And the worst part is that when our daughter does see me she absolutely clings to me. Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 Hang in there...it's a tough thing to handle. Your daughter is going through emotions right now too...even though she may be too young to understand and certainly doesn't need to be involved at all...meaning tell her only how much you love her, never put her in the middle by expecting from her. If that makes sense. I've been through this w/children and didn't want the divorce. Have you had a heart to heart with your wife? Ask her out... get a sitter and ask her if she would please give you an evening. Tell her you want to make it work no matter what...Tell her you want to know how she feels and why and what has made her so unhappy. Tell her you want to change the future for you all, etc..... If she loves you, she will accept but remember you need to LISTEN to her....be sincere and accepting of things she tells you. Unless there is more to this story,....I think it will work for you. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, been there and it's no fun! Hang in there though...I see signs of hope all over your story! No doubt! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nyquil Posted May 31, 2004 Author Share Posted May 31, 2004 I've definately told her how I feel, while still going through the divorce motions. I have asked her to do things...her and I and her and our daughter. She left it at a "I'm not ready". Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 Asking her "to do things" with you right now may be too much. I would have probably said the same thing. Have you asked her how she feels? Her thoughts? What can you do to make things different? Those are the questions that she needs to hear and answer. Do you think there is more to her story? Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 Also, the "divorce" thing ...it's never too late...Even if it is granted. People remarry and have reconciled afterwards! Divorce is EASY - Marriage is VERY DIFFICULT Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nyquil Posted May 31, 2004 Author Share Posted May 31, 2004 I wish I did know. We're both young, early 30's and very in touch with my parent's. They are like the family she never had. Her and my daughter live in a house my parent's got for us. She is still very close with them, obviously which makes things even more strange. It's all very uncomfortable. She has serious health issues and thus has caused some insecurities with female friends I have. One in particular. Nothing has, nor ever will with this friend, but the friendship hasn't helped. I haven't lied about contact with said friend, yet I haven't "fessed" up when I did talk to her. Although this does not seem to be the heart of the problem. I think it's a mix of all. Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 If you know how the "friend" makes your wife feel....insecure...why do you continue speaking with her? Even if it is on the sly...is it worth your family? NO, she's not. Insecurity is a hard thing to overcome and the only way to do it is with the support of your partner.... Re-assuring by actions and words that she has nothing to worry about... Hope that makes sense... I have recently become insecure in my marriage..2nd one..and explained in detail to my husband why I had become insecure. I had never, ever been that way before. Things he did and said led me to this feeling. He agreed and did not realize how I saw things until I explained them to him and asked that he turn it around and how would he feel in the same situation... He assured me this would change. And he understood. The family thing is a hard issue too...While she is close to your family...that can make things worse for both of you. Concentrate on her, and your daughter..Try to leave the family out of things.. I hope she is doing the same. Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 Not meaning to put you down Nyquil, just that if you know something bothers her...and you love her, want to make it work, Why would you continue? I just don't understand. I do wish you well and I still believe you have a chance! You've got to give it your all so you will know in your heart you did all you could...if it should fail. Good Luck to you and will say a prayer for you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
sirrom Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 Nyquil, people can and do get back together during divorce. It most definitely does happen, and mostly the marriage is stronger and will last a lifetime. The thing is, if you can work through that without ending your marriage, you can endure most anything. Prayers for you. Link to post Share on other sites
hope&pray Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 Remember, there are two types of divorce. The legal and the emotional one. The legal sucks but it is paper. So if this what she wants give it to her. The emotional divorce what you don't want to have happen. Before you were married were you happy and in love? I'd bet money on that. You may need to stop telling her how you feel and what YOU want and wait till she gives you information or starts any talk on what SHE wants. Take time. I can think of a lot worse things then marrying the same women I am in love with twice!! The world isn't ending tomorrow so you have plenty of time. That is what she needs right now; time and space. Give it to her. Also this site is ok but if you haven't noticed, not to many posts are done everyday try this one. It also has an e-book that most likely open your eyes. It has mine and everybody else on that site that has read it. It is free but you have to register and participate a little before you can read it but they pretty much give it away as soon as possible. http://rrr.kimcm.dk/forum/profile.php?mode=register Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nyquil Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 I felt I had to come back and give an update. The now ex and I are getting back together and getting remarried. The daughter is now 8 and Daddy is coming home. It's been a long 2 years, but the personal growth I've experienced would never of happened without this. Just when we think we REALLY know everything. Link to post Share on other sites
mablung Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 That's absolutely great, Nyquil ! I am very happy for both (all three, actually) of you ! I'm also glad that you learned some things after this, and that will help you in the future. I wish you both a strong marriage, and happiness ! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladylay Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Do people actually manage sometimes to want to reverse the divorce process and successfully rekindle the relationship, or am I just hanging on? I have friends who split nobody else involved. They were married had two kids. They reconciled 12 months after the 'split', went on to have baby number three:bunny: They are very happy & just see it as a blip. Link to post Share on other sites
brokenherz Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Wow, what happened? Did you gave her the space and time and than she came back to you? Or did the contact between you guys never end because of the daughter? Let me know...and good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
greenshift Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 That's amazing. I'm so happy for your family. Whatever you do, don't let this turn into an opportunity to slip back into old habits. Take care of each other. See - sometimes the good guys do win. =) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nyquil Posted April 11, 2006 Author Share Posted April 11, 2006 What do you call an ex-wife after you get back together, but not yet remarried? A girlfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Just call her your wife. It's close enough to being true. I'm very happy for all 3 of you. Please buy a copy of His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley to keep next to your bed for both of you to read from every night. It will keep you happily in love for a lifetime. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky4U Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 It is a terrible feeling to be alone when in a slump. Its hard for you and hard on the other person when not knowing how to give support during this time. Are you back to work? She obviously is at least sentimental towards the marriage vows. It will take work (paid and non-paid) to get her back. You will need to show her you are the man you want her to be and the provider she deserves to have. Show her you mean business, she is sending you the right signals. If you are honest and want this marriage to continue... then pound that pavement. Don't let it go any further. Link to post Share on other sites
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