Is NC the best way to go?

[Melrapuo]

My break up has only been a week long. At the moment, I've stabilized as much as possible, for the time being. I still cry or get upset every now and then, but I'm not manic like I was a week ago.

 

I tried calling her the next day after the break up, literally 11 hours after the break up, to see if she was willing to try to work things out. She insisted (sometimes yelled at me) that I wasn't understanding what she was saying, as if it was going thru one ear, out the other. She told me to stop "hounding her" and told me over and over, despite me not wanting to hear it, that it wasn't going to work, that she wasn't happy. She wasn't trying to be outright mean to me, but she was just frustrated about it.

 

I told her I was sorry for calling, said I'd never call her again, and said that I had to go, goodbye. She said goodbye. That was it.

 

Its a week since that moment. I haven't called. I put full NC in. I keep wondering if she will ever call me, but I know I'm being foolish. I want to work things out, but I have no idea how, because her issues are something that can only be solved by her (she as abused as a child by her father, and a pediatrician. Her best friend died horribly years ago. She's in her early 20's, feels she needs to go out and have fun. Because of our lack of intimacy, she felt that we were just becoming best friends, or being locked in a three year relationship that felt more like an old married couple.)

 

The truth is, I didn't disagree with her one bit. I understood all of these things as viable problems. I'm not fooling myself, things weren't going well towards the end. But we didn't know how to fix them. How could you? Her sexual issues stemmed from something that only she could solve, not me. Yet I feel as though I failed. I wanted to be there for her and help her as much as I could, being supportive whenever she had nightmares. Yet, when I had my own sexual issues (Kinda hard to get excited about sex when most attempts ended up with her not allowing me "in", hence the lack of intimacy) she would get upset thinking that I didn't find her attractive. In addition, I used to get upset when she went out with friends, because I felt she was distancing herself from me. I've accepted that I made her feel guilty for that, and I shouldn't have...

 

All of this aside, I've decided NC is the best way to accomplish anything positive. I want her to call me in the future, but the fact that she hasn't called me yet is convincing me more and more that it won't happen. I've been hanging out with friends, going to the gym, focusing on doing things that make me smile and happy. Yet, this is still in the back of my head. I have many fears - fears that I will never see her or be with her again (despite all our problems. We had broken up and gotten back together before, and because of the same issues. I just don't want to fool myself that it will happen again.). But at the same time, I've decided that the best thing that I CAN do is just leave her be and focus on myself.

 

Am I wrong? There are literally soooo many different reasons behind NC working and not working. I know that the only thing it can guarantee in accomplishing is making myself feel better. But is this the only option that I have, at all?

 

Just a heads up, I haven't had the urge to call her at all, really. As much as I know NC sucks in terms of making you face your feelings, I know I CAN'T at least force her to do anything. I'll just be putting pressure on her.

[Philosoraptor]

I would say yes. In your situation you need to take care of yourself and focus on making yourself feel better. You can not fix someone else's issues and it is not your burden to bear. Just keep at it as over time things get easier.

[Melrapuo]

What should I expect to gain out of this? Truthfully. I need to know exactly what to look forward to in order to give myself guidance and understanding. I keep feeling like a failure, even though at the same time I know its really up to her to fix herself...