30 days of nc.....

[smokey bear]

Well im trying it again,

 

I find a nc joural helps.

 

We have been lc for 5.5 months and with the holiday season coming up im regressing a little so its time for another dose of nc.

 

He seems to break nc every 6 days or so and the longest we have went is 3 weeks, so im aiming for 30 days to get myself out this regression because contact was becoming frequent again with a lot hope and mixed signals being thrown my way.

 

As of today its day 7 so day 30 will see me through the holiday period and i know from experience by week 3-4 it tends to kill the hope and bring acceptance and letting go.

 

You all know my story and im hoping for a recon but for now at this time of year i need a little dose of letting go.

 

Today i logged onto the dating site, i still compare these new men to my ex. I havent logged on for approx 2 months, its amazing how you can feel completely ready but when you actually go to do it it highlights your not. Do you know it frustrated me, after all this time i still love him even though i dont feel it daily and life is good again, time they say, it takes time and its correct but do you know what it highlighted? My ex will be feeling the same at some points because even though we have most days feeling great and moved on, after spending time with someone for so long only time can take care of some of those attachments.

 

It gave me faith in myself again, faith in our relationship, that he still has attachment as i do, especially breaking nc every 6 days and dumping his rebound because he hadnt dealt with his feelings for me, but im squashing that hope, i want a little of letting go. I need some letting go, so ill continue with nc.

 

The standard things are happening, its all a process of the body, day 7-10 come with great pain to be followed with steps forward greeted again by more pain and acceptance at week 3.

 

Ive been off this rollercoaster for a month. regular contact has enabled me to live a normal fulfilling happy life without pain, miss or sadness. its been great but today, looking at that dating site points out that the underlying issue has not been dealt with. Letting go. So although its been great to be normal that issue was still there un dealt with and reared its ugly head through a normal day.

 

You cant skip a step, it has to be dealt with at some point.

 

For all you's dumpee's out there watching the dumpers happy and living their life without grieving your relationship, ask yourself something, were you able to skip any of the steps? no!, where their was true love the dumper at some point will have deal with the issue. Stick nc

Edited December 22, 2011 by smokey bear

[smokey bear]

Here's a little story from another site to help you keep nc.

 

Its from the dumper, im only posting half the story because its a get back together story and i dont want the whole message behind it to be lost by focusing on the fact they got back together

 

 

I broke up with my boyfriend 6 weeks ago (I am 27, he is 29, we dated for about 1.5 years). I broke up with him because I felt that he had become so selfish in our relationship. The last 2 months of our relationship were bad- it was a lot of fighting, a lot of him getting angry, a lot of unwillingness on his part to compromise. He became pretty cold towards me, and I felt like I was the only one even trying. I had been trying to talk about it for a while, but he never wanted to, and would refuse to discuss things. He started saying things like "this is how I am, take it or leave it." After a particularly bad fight, after he broke plans with me to go out with his friends, I had enough. I felt exhausted and drained. I ended things, gave him back his keys, and walked out of his house.

 

He was shocked at that. I honestly think he thought that I would put up with this crap forever. That night I think he left over 10 messages on my cell. I sat on my bed sobbing, but knowing that nothing he could say would change things. When we finally talked the next day, and he realized that I was serious about the break-up, he immediately started pressuring me. I told him that I needed some time and space to think about things, but I felt like ending things was the best thing for me. He didn't accept that, and started pressuring me to give things another chance. It made things so much worse.

 

The endless calls were awful. I felt that he was acting selfishly, once again. He wanted to talk, and I didn't, so he just kept calling and e-mailing. No respect for my wishes for some space. It was like his need to talk was more important than me saying that I needed some time.

 

When I would finally break down and pick up, or call him back, it usually followed the same pattern. It would start off nice, catching up. But sooner or later, even though he knew I didn't want to, he would bring up our relationship. It would start off with him apologizing for stuff he did wrong. But he could never leave it there. He would start saying stuff like 'but it wasn't just me.." or "you made mistakes too" and on and on.

 

The calls would always end badly. He wanted things from those conversations I was not able to give him, and it made him frustrated and upset. He wanted me to say that I would give things another chance. He wanted me to say that I was miserable without him. He was always upset when I needed or wanted to hang up. One of my friends finally said- look, you ended things with him because he always wanted things his way. He's being the same way now. You don't have to deal with it anymore." She was right, and I finally stopped answering or returning his calls. I mean, how could I miss him or regret that we had broken up when he was calling and e-mailing all the time, and everything was either upset or angry? When he finally stopped trying to contact me, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

 

He didn't contact me for 3 weeks. At first it was great. I felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. I went out with my girlfriends, was able to concentrate at work, just relaxed at home. But something happened for me in the 3rd week. I started thinking about him, and our relationship. Without all the negative stuff in my face all the time, I started thinking about the good stuff. The trips, the weekends spent together, going out for sushi, watching movies cuddled up on the couch, drinking a beer on his deck while he grilled dinner, and then eating under the stars, teaching my dog to catch a Frisbee, baby-sitting his nephew and doing rock- paper- scissors to see who had to change the diaper, and a million more great memories. I finally allowed myself to feel the sadness, and how much I would miss him, and what a great thing we had, till things got bad. There were a million times I wanted to call him, about good things that had happened, or for encouragement when I had a bad day.

 

But I didn't contact him. I truly felt (and still do feel) that I tried for a long time, and made a big effort, and now it was up to him. He hadn't gotten his way when he was constantly calling and demanding things from me, so I waited to see if anything would happen.

[Melrapuo]

Hey smokey,

 

If you don't mind, could you please link to me in a private message where you saw that story online? I'm not trying to look for encouragement, but it is nice to read happy stories

[smokey bear]

Done!

 

Here's another dumpers pov on nc,

 

"Until something is truly gone how can you miss or mourn the loss of it,"

 

Someone asked him if thats what happened to him.

 

 

He replied

 

 

"Absolutely. I knew I loved her and cared for her all along but seeing her every so often and talking on a weekly basis I was able to have an outlet for those emotions and not fully deal with them. Kind of like letting out a little steam, just enough. Without that contact with her, without that outlet it was only a matter of time until I had to confront how I felt. "

[Million.to.1]

Yes.. i want to read the rest of the story too please... can you please send to me as well?

 

[Popehappycat]

You can Google any portion of the original post and it comes up as the first hit. Just FYI.

[flyguy23]

smokey bear - You and I share similar stories. My ex and I have been broken up for 5 months now and this is the longest we have ever gone without talking, about 2 weeks now. She or I would always break NC after a few days. She broke it after 9 days once and she acted like she wanted me back, came to see me twice in one day, texted and called me everyday etc. But one day she just stopped talking to me, I still do not know why she did this to me. So now I am going to keep up with NC and just need to accept this and move on. Good luck to you

[smokey bear]

smokey bear - You and I share similar stories. My ex and I have been broken up for 5 months now and this is the longest we have ever gone without talking, about 2 weeks now. She or I would always break NC after a few days. She broke it after 9 days once and she acted like she wanted me back, came to see me twice in one day, texted and called me everyday etc. But one day she just stopped talking to me, I still do not know why she did this to me. So now I am going to keep up with NC and just need to accept this and move on. Good luck to you

 

 

thanks hun, i had the same 3 weeks nc, he came back and left again.

 

i miscalculated today is day 8 lol.

[smokey bear]

Day 8, he breaks nc, i replied.

[Melrapuo]

He did? What did he say? The usual "Merry Christmas"?

[flyguy23]

Day 8, he breaks nc, i replied.

 

At least he cares about you and wants to contact you. Im at nearly 2 weeks NC and it sucks to know she doesn't even try to fix things.

[smokey bear]

My ex breaks nc approx every 6 days and has done for the last 6 months, im the fool that keeps replying.

 

It wasnt a merry christmas message.

 

He wants me to do something for him, well many things, i done everything for my ex. He's having problems, and when i say problems i mean that he cant be bothered doing it himself, with nearly every aspect of running his own life.

 

I offered him advice, how to fix these problems to which he replied, its too much effort.He cant be bothered.

 

Meaningless breadcrumbs. I know that if my ex breaks and comes back i will have a lot to "fix" but i wont be fixing anything in the hope that the b*stard actually appreciates what i done for him.

 

He has gigs, by the way and its been 5 months 3 weeks.

 

I saw him about 2 hours after the marathon txting and he nearly broke his neck to see me, i replied, and i know i shouldnt but im in good spirits today, saying " You nearly broke your neck there, oooh Im sexy and i know it, smell ya" ha ha, he hasnt replied yet i only just sent it.

 

During our txting today i asked him 2 question and only 2 questions about us, that ive been saving up to ask for when i felt i would recieve a reply, to which i did.

 

1) Do you love me? "yes" the first ive heard this in 6 months

 

2) will we get back together? "dont know"

 

I left it at that, i know not to push him.

 

I also know that his gigs girl is chasing him right now and ill get nowhere till she's gone, ill happily watch as he rejects the life out of her, which he is.

 

To also put the cat among the pigeons, i friend requested him on facebook, we will see how it goes.

[smokey bear]

He sent me a merry xmas txt the following day, today is now day 4 nc again, ive tried these 30 days for 6 months,

 

So day 4, he walks into my friends house, knowing im there, it annoys me, he could just wait till im gone, i dont stay for long.

 

Day 4 though, stingy, but not as stingy as day 1. Roll on 1 week, things get better lol, time to remind myself not to break nc. I know from past experience seeing them doesnt seem to give them emotional support so ill still continue this as day 4 nc.