Should I stay or should I go? Ending a long term relationship..

[c0nfused88]

Hi everyone. I appear to be at a crossroads in my life and am curious as to what others’ opinions are—especially those of you who have been in a similar situation and stayed and those of you who walked away.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for several years and met him in undergrad. When I first met him I had just turned 19 and it was the “head over heels” situation—I couldn’t imagine life without him. We moved in with one another after a few years and are now living together. I have been very seriously thinking of leaving him and first wanted to seek some outside advice from people not involved. (My friends and family all have strong opinions and at this point know what everyone else things—so I want a slightly more objective opinion.)

 

PROS:

I do love him and he has several great qualities.

 

He’s always there as someone to be with and hangout with and in general is very laid back about things.

 

He’s very kind and caring and for the most part I know how he feels about things.

 

He has fairly strong values and I trust him (mostly).

 

CONS:

We have differing views on what we want out of life. I am an extremely ambitious person and he is rather lazy. He wants to be married very soon and have kids within the next few years. I’m not sure if I ever want to get married or have kids—at this point I don’t. Perhaps I will change my mind but it will at minimum take several years before I’m ready. We both grew up differently and I want to be fully established before I’d ever consider settling down. I also want to travel and explore the world and various opportunities before I’d start a family. He isn’t a go-getter—and doesn’t want to be putting in the work now for our future that I am. That really, really, really bothers me.

 

I dated a few people before him and some of those relationships were semi-serious. However, he didn’t date prior to me. I really think this issue would come up at some point and he’d wonder about what else was out there.

 

The spark is gone. While I may be young I am not naïve. I recognize that after a few years the “honeymoon” phase will dissipate. However, I think we really are on different paths at this point.

 

To be honest--- when I first started seeing him other men didn’t really exist for a few years. I now have a close friend of mine that I have a crush on. I know a lot of things would have to occur before I would consider pursuing this.

 

 

Essentially, I want to explore all avenues before I make a decision on what to do. I am leaning toward leaving him but the idea is absolutely frightening. He’s not cruel or mean to me… things with him are okay or so/so… but I am feeling the need to find something that is great. The idea of hurting him is horrifying to me—so I’m not sure where to go from here. I would consider counseling or something of that nature but I don’t know if it’d be fair to him now. I am pretty certain I am ready to check out of this relationship and don’t want to give him false hope. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated..

[Glove_slap]

The CONS outweigh the PROS

[dicky_fish]

With those cons you already know that you're going to finish with him so my advice (coming from someone who's been on the receiving end of what you'll eventually do) is end it immediately and be TOTALLY honest with him. Don't pawn him off with lame excuses if he asks you blunt questions. And if you have a crush on this other guy DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND.

 

You might have seen posts about it on this site but you are experiencing GIGS. The best way to deal with this without hurting your boyfriend too much is to get out NOW. Don't string him along while you try to figure it out what to do, just end it right now then set yourself a good amount of time assessing what you actually want. And don't get into another relationship either.

 

I won't lie to you; this is going to crush your boyfriend. So be good to him because from what I gather he doesn't deserve any ill treatment from you, which is what will happen if you are still together during your "figuring out what to do" phase.

[c0nfused88]

With those cons you already know that you're going to finish with him so my advice (coming from someone who's been on the receiving end of what you'll eventually do) is end it immediately and be TOTALLY honest with him. Don't pawn him off with lame excuses if he asks you blunt questions. And if you have a crush on this other guy DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND.

 

You might have seen posts about it on this site but you are experiencing GIGS. The best way to deal with this without hurting your boyfriend too much is to get out NOW. Don't string him along while you try to figure it out what to do, just end it right now then set yourself a good amount of time assessing what you actually want. And don't get into another relationship either.

 

I won't lie to you; this is going to crush your boyfriend. So be good to him because from what I gather he doesn't deserve any ill treatment from you, which is what will happen if you are still together during your "figuring out what to do" phase.

 

I have read about GIGS and I'm am pretty sure that is not my situation. I have given him ample time to "get himself together". I know sticking around for a guy to change isn't right. I am recognizing that him and I want different things out of life. He wants a family and kids. I am more career and travel oriented. The overwhelming about of love I have for him is making this difficult to follow through. At this point, I know I need to wait until after Christmas-- even though faking the holidays is harder than I thought.

 

I guess I was just wondering from those of you out there-- how'd you feel when you were in a similar relationship? If you stayed with someone who you loved but had different goals/values-- did it turn out okay? As you got older did things get better? Or am I falling for what a lot of women do-- and waiting on a man to change out of fear of being alone?

[M2155]

If you stay with someone with different values, you are settling. My guess is he also realizes you are incompatible. I have net experienced this myself but I know people who've divorced over mis-matched dreams like that. To me one of the most important things to go the distance is to have similar visions of how you see your life together, love is not enough. Compromise is one thing but sacrificing some some big issues like children and adventure will lead to resentment. Think about which are real deal-breakers and if it's a deal-breaker, don't settle.

 

You sound like you know it's not going to last long-term. There's no doubt it will hurt but you don't gain any time finding the right one if you settle for the wrong one. On the receiving end, sure it sucks but ultimately I'd have to respect you for being honest with me, after all it's just as much a waste of his time to be with someone that doesn't think it's going to work. You've been together a long time from a young age and it wouldn't be uncommon that what you want out of life has evolved.

 

Good luck

[CaliBabe]

No matter what we say it sounds like you have your mind set. Like myself you sound like a very strong, ambitious, independent woman and women like that need really strong men. Men who compliment you. I think you should be honest with him, there is no getting around him being hurt, but in the end will be best for you both. Sometimes relationships just run their course. Best of luck.

[EgoJoe]

Heh there really is always someone else with GIGS.

 

OP: Why don't you try telling him the truth instead of lying, faking and posing.

 

I know I'm wasting my breath but did you ever think about honest communication with him? Maybe even discussing this with him? Why not tell him about the other guy too?

[leoc1973]

Yes be completely honest with him! a lot of us guys on here have Gigs ex's and they tell us all kinds of crap it makes it way harder for us.. If my ex had told me what you just outlined I would have been more understanding instead of her giving me a different reason why she wanted to break up with me. Oh and just an fyi. My ex and you have a lot in common about different life goals, Kids/no kids almost all of it. But she did too much damage for me to take her back and now I believe she has changed her mind. Be very careful because a lot of those guys you might have a crush on might really not be half the man your guy is. You just are only hearing the if I was your boyfriend crap that guys feed women.

 

However you do seem very mature in the way you are thinking it out. I guess the real way to look at it instead of adding up the pro's and cons is this... Look over at him and imagine losing him forever because that is a good posibility and also he is going to lose all of his trust in you for a long time after this

[leoc1973]

OH and read the post by the other women that say they broke up with their boyfriends and want them back but now their boyfriends won't take them back. I think you have already made up your mind to end things with this guy though you are just looking for a push.

[Ninjainpajamas]

God I hate the completely honest parade that comes through every post as if it is that easy or simple.

 

Many people stay in relationships out of guilt like emotional blackmail "If you leave me then everything meant nothing!, how can you hurt me like this!"

 

Or

 

"Maybe we can work this out...maybe even though I feel like it will never work out, maybe there is hope so I'll try anyway even though there is plenty of red flags..because I love this person"

 

First off, loving a person is subjective. Is it better to leave someone and let them move on If you know your heart isn't in it anymore...or is it better to try and pretend and make something work while in your heart you know you're just wasting more years of their lives and yours together?

 

I think a lot of people look at things as black and white, and very cliche. They don't think about the big picture and what really is best, instead they drag it on just wasting time...why? because in the end it isn't going to work whether it's next week or next year so why waste time.

 

It is wise to be honest about your intentions, but you don't have to go into the details. You don't have to say "I don't have that spark for you anymore, or I am fantasizing about other men" or what not.

 

You have to realize that people who get broken up with will always want answers and those answers will never be good enough, they only use it to hurt themselves even more like a broken record.

 

Furthermore just because you love a person does not mean you should force yourself to be in a relationship with them, it doesn't say that anywhere in the rule book. In fact as I mentioned before, the sooner the better because yes...it can and will get worse, you're just building up more fuel for the fire when you do drop the bomb.

 

You have one life to live, and regardless of what people think of you, you need to have the courage to make the tough decisions and pursue your dreams. This is not about "doing the right thing" because I can assure you...If your heart is not in it...it will never feel right to you.

[EgoJoe]

If you're not a selfish coward it is really easy to tell the truth. That is as objective as it gets.

 

I also believe that the manner in which you leave (if negative) can devalue the entire relationship.

Edited December 23, 2011 by EgoJoe

[immitable]

Just wanted to add a few things to everything previous posters have mentioned,

 

• honest communication,
  
• open conversation,
  
• the second yoiu end things with him know that you lose him forever,
  
• gras is not greener on the other side.
  

[c0nfused88]

Just wanted to add a few things to everything previous posters have mentioned,

 

• honest communication,
  
• open conversation,
  
• the second yoiu end things with him know that you lose him forever,
  
• gras is not greener on the other side.
  

 

I'd first like to state that I do highly value honest communication. The thing is him and I have been having these conversations for years. (We have been together nearly five years now.)

 

He wants marriage and kids now. I'm not sure if I ever want that but I foresee the means to get to that ends-- I want to work hard to be financially and in all other ways prepared before I'd do that. He's more laid back and thinks things will just fall into place and he doesn't have to put effort in. He knows exactly how I feel about this. He's willing to stick around with me (knowing I don't want marriage/kids) in hopes that after a few years as I get older that will change. I would feel extremely guilty if I make him stay in this relationship another five years waiting for me to want what he wants and then still not be ready. He could have spent that time developing a great relationship with someone who wants the same things out of life as him. If/when I do break up with him I will certainly repeat the previous conversations we've had. I recognize that there is nothing necessarily wrong with him or I-- but we both can't just wait for the other to change. The only thing I will not tell him about is the other guy. I don't think that is relevant or fair information-- and will only further wait him. I will also not pursue anything with this other guy until after I'm well established living on my own and feel like I have emotionally healed from this relationship.

 

I am the kind of person to overthink and overanalyze things. While right now I feel very strongly that I want to leave him-- I am frightened primarily to hurt him. Of course I also have those doubts of how my life would be without him. I also realize it's not fair if I'm not in it to drag it out. I keep finding reasons to put it off-- like the holidays, the semester ending/starting, the lease we're in.. etc...

 

He's also very dependent upon me and not to sound arrogant but a lot of his life revolves around me. I have a life outside the relationship but he doesn't really. I'm very afraid for what will happen to him. (Yes, I realize this isn't a good reason to stick around if I'm unhappy.) However, I genuinely care about him and have been known to put other peoples' feelings before my own.

 

Any more advice on how to follow through? Will I always have these doubts in my head?

[Melrapuo]

I'd first like to state that I do highly value honest communication. The thing is him and I have been having these conversations for years. (We have been together nearly five years now.)

 

He wants marriage and kids now. I'm not sure if I ever want that but I foresee the means to get to that ends-- I want to work hard to be financially and in all other ways prepared before I'd do that. He's more laid back and thinks things will just fall into place and he doesn't have to put effort in. He knows exactly how I feel about this. He's willing to stick around with me (knowing I don't want marriage/kids) in hopes that after a few years as I get older that will change. I would feel extremely guilty if I make him stay in this relationship another five years waiting for me to want what he wants and then still not be ready. He could have spent that time developing a great relationship with someone who wants the same things out of life as him. If/when I do break up with him I will certainly repeat the previous conversations we've had. I recognize that there is nothing necessarily wrong with him or I-- but we both can't just wait for the other to change. The only thing I will not tell him about is the other guy. I don't think that is relevant or fair information-- and will only further wait him. I will also not pursue anything with this other guy until after I'm well established living on my own and feel like I have emotionally healed from this relationship.

 

I am the kind of person to overthink and overanalyze things. While right now I feel very strongly that I want to leave him-- I am frightened primarily to hurt him. Of course I also have those doubts of how my life would be without him. I also realize it's not fair if I'm not in it to drag it out. I keep finding reasons to put it off-- like the holidays, the semester ending/starting, the lease we're in.. etc...

 

He's also very dependent upon me and not to sound arrogant but a lot of his life revolves around me. I have a life outside the relationship but he doesn't really. I'm very afraid for what will happen to him. (Yes, I realize this isn't a good reason to stick around if I'm unhappy.) However, I genuinely care about him and have been known to put other peoples' feelings before my own.

 

Any more advice on how to follow through? Will I always have these doubts in my head?

 

No one here can make this decision for you. You came here for a reason, and that was to get other people's opinions. People can tell you the basics of what will happen if you two break up. There will be guilt, remorse, sadness, regret, relief...its gonna be a waterfall of raw emotion.

 

Believe me, I just got dumped for similar reasons. He won't learn to help and strengthen himself if he isn't shown just how unhappy you are. And if you telling him that he needs to work on these things isn't enough to satisfy you, even if he figures everything out (best case scenario), then you do have to let him go.

 

However, down the road, if you miss him and want him back, and you see how he's improved, be prepared to be rejected by him, too. If you don't allow someone to fix themselves, and give them enough warning, they will be very hurt by you. Give him the fairest way to be dumped - face to face, in the calmest manner. He may yell, scream, cry - but if you are truly ready to do this, you have to. For the sake of both of you.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope everything works out ok for him, and you as well.

[HLP234]

I think I may be going through something like this with my fiance right now. Everything is fine when we are together but she does not see things the way I do. She is very emotional and is on a different level mentally when it comes to things we want in life.

 

We are planning to get married, but our families do not get along, she does not work yet and did not finish school either. I have done all that and I have been working, I have many responsibilities while she doesn't.

 

I think now she is going through GIGS. If you read one of my other threads on here about confrontation since I had found out she was kinda setting up a landing with someone else in case things don't go as planned.

 

Please don't do this. Just tell him the truth don't hold feelings back and expect people to know what you feel or what you are thinking. Its extremely painful in the long run. You may end up seeing someone else and if he does not find out when he does, it will hurt..trust me.

 

So just sit down and talk to him. If you are sure you want to leave tell him how and why. And then just sit and listen, he may beg back and cry and say no. I would rather have that from my fiance than deal with having her just leave for someone else. It will hurt but in the end you did nothing wrong and you told him the truth about how you feel and what is wrong. I wish she would do that but instead now I am stuck with trust issues over a "friend" she has yet tells me everything is perfect. Its better to be cold and honest than to go around someone's back because you are afraid of hurting them.

[c0nfused88]

I am having serious doubts about this-- I guess which is the main purpose of my post. Relationships I've had before him-- I have realized fairly early on that they didn't have long term potential. It was much different with the current boyfriend. I'm afraid to throw away something good even though my intuition is telling me I need to live my life. I suppose I always figured a relationship should end if it was abusive, or if we argued all the time, etc. It's hard to walk away when things are "okay"....

[HLP234]

If things are "okay" do you really feel as if everything is actually fine? If you are having doubts I guess trying to communicate with your significant other would be the best. But mostly if it is doubts then I would do what you feel is right.

 

I hate when people hold things in and prolong something that should not have kept going. It causes more hurt to both people. I thought I would never find out what I did about my gf and now I am loosing trust too. Everyone thinks that the relationship only ends when there are fights. Not true if the other person seems like they are into another person or is being different with you, then its better to clear the air and try to get them to tell you the truth, otherwise sitting there would only cause pain until they or you just walk away.

[c0nfused88]

First of all, I feel absolutely terrible and confused at the same time. I'm visiting relatives with the boyfriend. Right now he's drinking and having a great time with them. I am sitting here emotionally torn up-- trying to keep a straight face and looking at new apartments online. Am I making a mistake? How did those of you who walked away from a decent relationship? How do you leave the comfort and security? How do you know it wont get better if you stay? How do you muster the courage to really hurt someone?

 

Also, a few people here have mentioned I should tell him about a crush I have. I don't understand why that is something I should mention. I feel like that would only hurt him. I think it is only demonstrative of the fact that I am more out of the relationship than him-- and am looking elsewhere. (No-- I don't believe this is GIGS (which seems to be constantly talked about around here)). I don't think I fall under this category because I have spent a lot of time trying to enhance the relationship, make things better and given him a variety of opportunities. When it comes down to it-- nothing is wrong with either of us--we just have different goals and values.

 

Ahhhhhhh.. The emotions from this are causing me physical pain.

[GymRat]

It seems that you've already made up your mind, and that you're going to break up at some point. But I can give you some advice as a guy who has been in a two year relationship that ended when things were 'okay' as you put it earlier. Great relationship, lots of mutual love and respect, but it ended after a summer apart and she realized she was at a point where she just wanted to live her life, despite being in what she called a great relationship.

 

Those that are advising you to do it sooner than later are right. But do NOT pursue anything with this new guy until you've ended things! It's not fair to do so, but you seem wise enough to not complicate things until it's over. Also, you can use discretion. My ex knew I had a final exam at the end of the month when she broke up with me. And she chose the evening after the morning of my exam too, which I actually really appreciated because I would have been in the worst state of mind going into that exam if she did so a few days before it. So use discretion.

 

Also, when you break up with him, be tender and let him vent. Before I was broken up with, my ex started to become distant for the weeks prior but she had recently moved to a new town where she was working for the summer so I knew something was up. I actually proposed to visit her the night she broke up with me a week before, so she really prepared for the night. I still remember the way she looked that night, just incredibly conflicted and she had the most pained expression on her face. And when she asked me to lie down in bed with her, I knew it was coming. It was probably the most emotional situation I've ever been in, and I think she could say the same. So I think it's clear, it will be one of the most difficult things you do. Just incredibly anguishing. But communicate as openly as you possibly can, let him ask a zillion and one questions and answer them as best as you can.

 

I feel awful that you're going to go through with this, because it's so tough. My ex had a guy she had her 'eye' on when she broke up with me, but she did not tell me and I'm glad she didn't because I would have been much worse off immediately after. I did eventually find out not through her, but through a friend and it was devesating to hear but I had some time to heal before I heard that, so I guess it's a situation where you could shoot him with a cannon immediately or let him feel smaller doses of pain through a longer period of time. It depends on his pain threshold.

 

But I can tell you I know what it's like to be the dumpee in this situation, so if you have any questions I'd be happy to help you out!

 

All the best.

[immitable]

First of all, I feel absolutely terrible and confused at the same time. I'm visiting relatives with the boyfriend. Right now he's drinking and having a great time with them. I am sitting here emotionally torn up-- trying to keep a straight face and looking at new apartments online. Am I making a mistake? How did those of you who walked away from a decent relationship? How do you leave the comfort and security? How do you know it wont get better if you stay? How do you muster the courage to really hurt someone?

 

Also, a few people here have mentioned I should tell him about a crush I have. I don't understand why that is something I should mention. I feel like that would only hurt him. I think it is only demonstrative of the fact that I am more out of the relationship than him-- and am looking elsewhere. (No-- I don't believe this is GIGS (which seems to be constantly talked about around here)). I don't think I fall under this category because I have spent a lot of time trying to enhance the relationship, make things better and given him a variety of opportunities. When it comes down to it-- nothing is wrong with either of us--we just have different goals and values.

 

Ahhhhhhh.. The emotions from this are causing me physical pain.

 

 

If so why did you get together in the first place. Is talikng openly to him really that hard. You are at the turning point in your relationship where you to can grow together, because people change and grow together or alone. I am afraid if you just bail out you are going to be hurting yourself in the long run. Just have an open canversation with him about everything. And yes tell him that you are losing attraction to him.

Edited December 26, 2011 by immitable

[M2155]

Again, I think your dilemma is very understandable after having "grown up" together as you got together at a point in life where you are just starting to figure out what you want. I will say again, definitely be honest. I have become a FIRM FIRM believer in intuition. If you are in emotional agony now, it is NOT going to get better, it's there for a REASON.

 

He will hurt, so will you. You both will doubt and regret and over analyze blah, blah. But the pain is temporary compared to prolonging the agony and stress and regret (of not ending it)....in addition to the hurt of a most-likely eventual breakup. Yes you definitely need to be upfront and tell him it's not working out. I don't see any need to bring up the crush, thats not what the issue is.

 

I had a guy break up with me because he didn't see me really fitting into his lifestyle (he moved a lot with his career and I'm pretty stuck with mine and got to a point where LDR wouldn't be an ideal solution). We had some minor differences but otherwise a great relationship. Before he brought it up, I had sensed some distancing and he wasn't feeling the same. Me of course thought we totally would find a way to work it out. Didn't see"the talk" coming but I wasn't shocked and I had no choice but to understand his decision. I hurt, cried...contacted him a few days later to say I understand and would miss him. Then we didn't have contact for a few months...then started being friendly on FB and now we're good friends. We respect our past because it was a good relationship and the breakup was for a good reason and no foul-play. I appreciate that he was honest and upfront and that's part of why we are cool today. I'm not saying that will happen for you, but I'm sure your BF can sense things have changed and at the end of the day, would respect honesty.

[Guitarjeff]

So how does someone answer the question, "How hard should i try in a relationship"? No one can really tell you that. There has to be a certain amount of effort or the opposite would be to always Dump before they dump you, and no one would ever have a good relationship. In every relationship, there are eventually doubts, sometimes people might not know what they want. I believe that in every great love, one of the two always stands strong while the other may not know which way to turn.

 

If you just bail without making absolute sure you have stood as strong as you can, you will regret it probably.

 

Here's what I would do in your situation.

 

I would sit with him and reveal everything you have hear, even about the thoughts of the other guy, becaquse it let's your boyfriend then be able to deal with reality. He won't be able to stand strong for your love if he doesn't know the truth about the reality around him, and your thoughts about this other guy are part of what is effecting his life.

 

Then, if he wants to stand strong, meaning he takes on the effort to change, to understand you better and what you want, then you stand to have a GREAT love for the rest of your life. If he is not willing to stand strong while you are confused, then you will be able to walk away knowing you did everything you could to allow your confused relationship to take the next step in to being a truly great love.

 

You are confused, and to me, that tells me that this relationship still deserves a chance to blossom in to a great love. Sometimes great loves don't blossom without going through tough times and confusion, and it's then when someone stands strong and the true power of your love for each other is revealed.

 

If you don't allow true love, and I mean lifetime love to have a chance to stand strong, well, then you may never know a true love.

 

So, sit down with him, DO NOT DECIDE to leave him yet, absolutely not. You let the relationship itself decide that, which means BOTH OF YOU!! His actions or non actions will be a deciding factor just as your actions will.

 

You sit him down im a serious way, explain what you are feeling. Don't day you have already decided to leave him, say that my feelings are headed that way and that you are confused right now and you are offering your love the chance to blossom and enter a new stage for the future, and that by doing this, you will find out if both are willing to stand up for this love and just how important it is to both of you.

 

Tell him everything, detailed, the other guy, everything. he needs to know because he can't stand strong for your love if he doesn't know the reality of the situation. Then you will be able to end your confusion, and he will also know the score completely if it doesn't work out. If you have to leave him after that, or if he feels he has to leave you after you present these things, you will walk away proud of yourself and he will too, knowing you both gave each other the chance to let your love stand strong and become even greater.

 

If it does stand strong, then someday you will lay in his arms, knowing he is a great husband and father, knowing he has come in to his own as a man in the future, and you will say to him, "Thank you so much for standing strong for our love when I was confused and didn't know which way to turn. And someday, when you don't know which way to turn, and you are confused, I too will stand strong, I will change things, I will show you how strong our love can be and that it's worth fighting for"

 

So I say, don't leave him yet, allow your love to go to the next level if it can. You won't be confused when it's relly time to move away from him, but if you leave before that time, you will not be giving your love a chance to blossom in to something even more than you ever dreamed of. Understand that as men get older they come in to their own most of the time and he will find his direction in life and may become a dream guy in the future, at least in your heart.

 

You will feel much better if you do all this TOGETHER, even if it means splitting up, it will have been done TOGETHER, with both of you knowing what is at stake and how great it could have also become. You may be very glad you waited and tried in the future, give yourself that chance.

[immitable]

Nice piece of advice Harmfulsweetz, just wondering what are you doing here on LS?

 

Argh... some people never learn...

Edited December 26, 2011 by immitable

[immitable]

Am I not allowed on here or something? Considering...been on here longer than you, I'm entitled as everyone is to be posting here.

 

 

I meant why are you here then? Heartbroken maybe?

[M2155]

If I understand, you have talked to him many times about the future together and some things do not match right? He is a nice guy that you love and have been with long enough to know him well but there are some things that you cannot compromise. I think the first thing you should do is let him know once more what are those deal breakers and hold firm- do not try to force a relationship with someone that doesn't share the values that are important to you because that is settling. When you do have the talk, if those major differences are there on his end, it doesn't matter how much you love each other, it will be a major source of frustration in the future. If he can see things objectively, I suspect this won't be a complete shock (whether he admits it or not).

 

And yes you have to be prepared to never have him in your life but i believe a) there are times second chances are quite possible and b) if it's big value diffences you won't want one anyway

 

I just think your gut is 99.2% always right. So everyone agrees at the very least, you need to tell him your doubts.