Should I stay or should I go? Ending a long term relationship..

[M2155]

Sometimes you know exactly what you want to do. Staying in a relationship when ending is overdue sucks. But you afraid to take the RISK. You risk not being happy on the other side or dealing with pain etc. Risk is always scary...until you jump and realize you eventuallylanded on your feet.

 

It doesn't matter if it's GIGS or confusion or whatever, it just isn't cool to string the guy along in the meantime.

[MissMoni]

Looks pretty clear to me she does love him and that's what is stopping her.

 

She says she has wanted to leave him for years, but that's simply not ntrue. Just because you think about leaving someone for a long time doesn't mean you have crossed the point of actually wanting it. She is a grown person and if she really wanted to leave him should would have done so. She has been exactly where she has chosen to be for this relationship.

 

She knows darn well deep inside she isn't hesitating because she thinks he won't survive it, I don't buy that for a second. It's the classic old story, she doesn't want him, but is afraid that when she leaves she will want him back, and he might move on and not need her any more and will be happy with another woman, which will end up happening, obviously at some point.

 

If she really knew she wanted to leave she wouldn't even be here looking for advice and opinions. When you KNOW for sure you have no future with someone, you don't need advice about it. Just because the other person might be a bit more emotional and you know they might hurt a bit more can still never make you stay with someone who you know for a fact you have no future with. She knows her boyfriend isn't going to kill himself or something, she knows he will survive as hundreds of thousands of broken-hearted people do every year in this world. Obviously she hasn't been ready to walk away or she would have when she knew she was ready. She may have thought about leaving, but who doesn't think that sometimes even in the best relationship. The point is, she made the decision to stay of her own free will and she did exactly what she wanted to do.

 

As for the other guy, not sure how you can say that is not GIGS? In other words, I see that new toy, that looks more fun than the boring toy I have now, I want that new toy. That's the very definition of GIGS, isn't it? She is thinking she wants the new guy, must be a reason for that right, yep, she thinks he will be more than what she has now, or she wouldn't be interested. How is that not GIGS?

 

Interesting post, guitarjeff. This may be a bit of topic, but do you think dumpers get upset when the dumpee ultimately does move on? Do they want us to be worse off???

 

I also agree that it's not fair for her to string him along..

[Guitarjeff]

Right, she shouldn't string him along, true. But what I am saying is, no matter the reason, people do what they decide to do and it's their decision. For whatever reason. she has been right where she has decided to be, she is a free woman in a free society. She has been exactly where she has decided to be until she no longer decides to be there.

 

This "I have wanted to leave for years" stuff is just phony. No one has forced her to be anywhere she has not chosen to be of her own free will. It's preety clear that she doesn't really know is she wants to leave or not, or she wouldn't be here looking for opinions. She knows deep inside that this hesitation is not about her sacrificing for him because he will somehow crumble, not buying it. She hasn't left because she hasn't wanted to leave up to this point.

 

But yes, I suggested before to talk to him about all this, the other guy as well. I am not even sure why she mentioned the other guy if he is not some major mitvation for her to leave. looks to me like that is the GIGS as plain as can be. No one wants to admit to everyone they are really want to get out of one relationship to get in to another, so of course they use the standard stuff, "I need to find myself, I need to be alone, I like you but I don't love you" We've all seen the various reasons, yet once they are gone it comes to light that they are soon in another relationship they had their eye on all along.

 

 

Sometimes you know exactly what you want to do. Staying in a relationship when ending is overdue sucks. But you afraid to take the RISK. You risk not being happy on the other side or dealing with pain etc. Risk is always scary...until you jump and realize you eventuallylanded on your feet.

 

It doesn't matter if it's GIGS or confusion or whatever, it just isn't cool to string the guy along in the meantime.

[c0nfused88]

Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate the advice and it has gotten to me. I am thinking of going through with it Thursday or Friday. I am trying to come up with the courage now and thinking through what I want to say and how..

 

Perhaps you're right and it's all in my head and I'm too scared. A few weeks ago when thinking about this I had what I'm now thinking was a panic attack over this. I haven't been able to fall asleep anymore and when I sleep I never want to get out of bed now. I haven't been eating. I'm falling apart already. :-(

[EgoJoe]

Anything less than complete honesty is cowardly and an exercise in defense mechanisms. You won't be sparing him pain you'll be sparing yourself the pain of shame.

[Sugarkane]

Whatever you do don't do dump him by text and verbally abuse him, like my ex did to me.

[leoc1973]

confused. you are here seeking advice and maybe a little push you almost seem like you are seeking validation from some of the posters on here. You are here anonymously you don't have to sugar coat or apologize for anything.

 

Here is what drives me nuts. There is always another guy with women, I absolutely hate that and I hate guys like that. Here's why.. Guys like that hit on women with boyfriends, they are snakes and can't handle rejection so they hit on girls already in relationships because if they are rejected they can chalk it up to oh well she has a boyfriend thats why she doesn't want me.

 

I will absolutely guarantee that this "crush" is telling you things like if I was your boyfriend I would do this or I would do that. If I was your boyfriend I would treat you like a princess/queen or whatever. A woman all of the sudden starts to feel like this guy is special, a one of a kind, takes your breath away all that other stuff.

 

You don't know this guy like you think you do. If this guy was so great he would probably have a girlfriend. He would be confident enough to go after single women but no he feels safe going after women with boyfriends because its "safe" for him.

 

I have a cousin who is that guy. He says that married women are like shooting fish in a barrel they are all looking for that excitement, you probably are so atttracted to him because he is unavalible a lot and ya know why cause he is probably hitting on 5 other girls with boyfriends.

 

I guess I have a problem with these guys cause my ex ended up with one of them. He broke me an my ex up and also another guy I knows girlfriend. Now he is single again. My ex has come sniffing around to try to get me back but guess what. I met a new girl that seriously gives me butterflies. I just told my ex yesterday that I wanna see where things go with my new girl and I will give her a call if things don't work out.

 

This is coming from a guy that just wanted to die a few months ago because I was hurting so bad. Now I am on top of the world and my ex is begging.

 

Just make sure you really know this new guy before you give up probably an amazing guy because there are probably hundreds of girls out there that will take your trash and make it her treasure. My new girl makes me feel like the only man on earth.

 

And really pay attention to the new guy telling you everything you want to hear and you thinking this guy is amazing because after a few months he is gonna sit on the couch and play ex box just like the rest of us ;-)

 

And sorry for rambling I had a few too many tonight!

[c0nfused88]

confused. you are here seeking advice and maybe a little push you almost seem like you are seeking validation from some of the posters on here. You are here anonymously you don't have to sugar coat or apologize for anything.

 

Here is what drives me nuts. There is always another guy with women, I absolutely hate that and I hate guys like that. Here's why.. Guys like that hit on women with boyfriends, they are snakes and can't handle rejection so they hit on girls already in relationships because if they are rejected they can chalk it up to oh well she has a boyfriend thats why she doesn't want me.

 

I will absolutely guarantee that this "crush" is telling you things like if I was your boyfriend I would do this or I would do that. If I was your boyfriend I would treat you like a princess/queen or whatever. A woman all of the sudden starts to feel like this guy is special, a one of a kind, takes your breath away all that other stuff.

 

You don't know this guy like you think you do. If this guy was so great he would probably have a girlfriend. He would be confident enough to go after single women but no he feels safe going after women with boyfriends because its "safe" for him.

 

I have a cousin who is that guy. He says that married women are like shooting fish in a barrel they are all looking for that excitement, you probably are so atttracted to him because he is unavalible a lot and ya know why cause he is probably hitting on 5 other girls with boyfriends.

 

I guess I have a problem with these guys cause my ex ended up with one of them. He broke me an my ex up and also another guy I knows girlfriend. Now he is single again. My ex has come sniffing around to try to get me back but guess what. I met a new girl that seriously gives me butterflies. I just told my ex yesterday that I wanna see where things go with my new girl and I will give her a call if things don't work out.

 

This is coming from a guy that just wanted to die a few months ago because I was hurting so bad. Now I am on top of the world and my ex is begging.

 

Just make sure you really know this new guy before you give up probably an amazing guy because there are probably hundreds of girls out there that will take your trash and make it her treasure. My new girl makes me feel like the only man on earth.

 

And really pay attention to the new guy telling you everything you want to hear and you thinking this guy is amazing because after a few months he is gonna sit on the couch and play ex box just like the rest of us ;-)

 

And sorry for rambling I had a few too many tonight!

 

I get exactly what you're saying and I'd like to state for the record that I'm not leaving him for this new guy. I have been wanting to leave him and having serious doubts about our compatibility for a few years now-- and very serious doubts this summer. I didn't even meet this new guy until September or so.

 

Also, you are wrong. He is not feeding me with the "if I were your bf" lines. He has been extremely respectful of the fact that I have a bf. We have hungout a lot and he has not crossed any lines. We have not really discussed my bf either-- so he is not trying to convince me to stay/go. If anything, I am the one in the wrong for not stopping his friendship when I have developed feelings. I am also the one that might be adding a slight flirt into it and he has been nothing but respectful about the situation. For all I know, he's not even interested in me. Regardless, I am recognizing that I need to leave the bf whether or not this other guy is in the picture.

[Guitarjeff]

I would say it just depends on the person. I imagine some who dump don't even think about it if they really knew inside that the relationship never had a chance. But sometimes dumpers may dump out of pure confusion, or because it may not have been the right time for them even though they may think things could have worked out with that person in the future, so then I could see it hurting if that person moved on to someone else.

 

I have found in life that some people are simply deeper and more emotional tham others about many things. I cry even seeing those commercials on Tv about the dogs being abused, and I am a grown, middle-aged man. I am simply an emotional and reflective person. Many people simply aren't built that way, it takes a lot of people to make a world.

 

Sure, same for the ones who are dumped too, some can get over it and wish you well, some are bitter. Probably just depends on how stable that person is to start with.

 

Hope your day is great

 

 

Interesting post, guitarjeff. This may be a bit of topic, but do you think dumpers get upset when the dumpee ultimately does move on? Do they want us to be worse off???

 

I also agree that it's not fair for her to string him along..

[c0nfused88]

Maybe I am being a coward by not pulling trigger and just getting it over with. However, I did have a talk with him last night about the future and brought up us living apart/breaking up/different options. I know I have had the talks about us wanting different things, his lack of ambition, compatibility issues many times-- but I guess I feel the need to do it one last time. We said we'd both take a few days to think about it. I guess I'm just thinking the pain will be less on him if I get him in that frame of mind ahead of time rather than just dropping the bomb...?

 

Or perhaps I'm just in denial.. hmm

[Guitarjeff]

Confused. please understand, if you come here honestly looking for insight, yet then refuse to take it in when you get it, you do yourself no goode at all.

 

CLEARLY, this other guy is a major factor in why you are doing this. You say you thought of leaving long before you met this guy, but as I said, ANYONE can say that pretty much about any relaionship. Go to the infidelity section and see how many cheaters told their cheating husbands and wives they had already been thinking of leaving long ago.

 

look at the words you just said. You said at the beginning of the post he is not the reason, then you inform us you have been "Hanging out with him", Flirting with him", and that you have developed "feelings" for him. And we are to believe it is MERE coincidence that this is happening, oh, right around the time you are not deciding to split up with the current boyfriend? Come on now, you do yourself no good to hide this from yourself. I think you are feeling infidelity guilt here as a major part of your problematic feelings.

 

I think much of your fear is that you will go after this guy and it won't work out and then you will have lost a good guy in your current man.

 

It does you no good to deny things like this. Flirting, feelings, hanging out, and now you want to convince us you are not dumping your boyfriend for this new guy? I think it's pretty clear that's exactly what you are doing and don't want to face that truth and you are feeling guilty inside about it in an infidelity way.

 

So you proclaim, "Ive wanted to leave for a long time"? You mean like a cheater saying to their spouse "I have wanted out of our marriage for a long time"?

 

Again, had you really wanted to leave for a long time you would have done so long ago.

 

You have now admitted to us that you have feelings for someone else and that you have been flirting with him, desiring him, that's infidelity, and you don't feel good about doing that to a decent guy who has never really wronged you in any significant way. I would feel guilty about doing that too, I wouldn't feel good about myself if I did that, and clearly you don't either.

 

It's not just mere coincidence that you want to ACTUALLY leave your boyfriend right now just as you are flirting and having feelings for another guy. You came here looking for advice but if you run from the truth here then all this is meaningless.

 

Anyone can say

"Ive been wanting to leave for a long time", but the fact is, you didn't and only NOW, while you are having feelings for another guy and flirting and such do you want to actually make the real decision.

 

So here it is, you are a grown woman in a frree society. You can leave your boyfriend for any reason you want to, but that doesn't mean you can do things against what most of us feel are certain moral standards and fool yourself in to feeling good about it by making up excuses inside yourself.

 

The facts are, you have not left your boyfriend, you have been right where you have chosen to be and you have admitted to us that your boyfriend is a decent guy and has never really hurt you in any major way.

 

You now have been flirting, hanging out, and admit to having feelings for another guy behind your boyfriends back.

 

And now you want to leave your boyfriend and yet tell us it's meere coincidence that you just happen to have feelings and are flirting with another guy at the same time now deciding to leave your boyfriend.

 

You are not married to your boyfriend, so you are at least not breaking marriage vows, but you feel in your heart, and rightfully so, that you have done your decent boyfriend wrong, and you don't feel good about what your feelings for this other guy are driving you to want to do.

 

You are feeling infidelity guilt here and I believe this is what is bothering you, and you fear that if you make this leap and then it doesn't work out you may find out you had it better with your current man that you bargained for, and he would then move on and you would feel guilty for a long long time, and mad at yourself as well.

 

If you are going to come to terms with this inside yourself then the first step is facing the truth. You are mainly doing this because of the other guy and the GIGS, it's really become obvious at this point.

 

No one can tell you what to do, that's up to you, all we can do get you to at least see the truth of what you are doing. You are not married and you are free to doas you please, but you are now learning that this doesn't mean you are free from your own morality.

 

The first step in understanding all this is facing the truth of it. This is GIGS all the way, you are wanting another guy you have been hanging out with, flirting with, and have feelings for, and you are now willing to dump your boyfriend to get in a relationship with the new guy. And I predict you will be in that new relationship in quick order when you get away from your boyfriend.

 

You are spinning yourself like a top to keep from admitting this to yourself. You must afce the truth of this. No one can tell you what to do here, that's up to you and your personal set of standards. But all I can say is ask yourself how you would feel if your boyfriend had been "Hanging out", Flirting", and developing feelings" for another girl for the last few months yet saying nothing to you about it in your home life, and now he comes and says, 'oh, but I have been thinking for years I should leave you".

 

That's a slap in the face to what you both have shared. At least if you admit the truth to yourself and him, you can come to terms with it without slandering the memories you share with your boyfriend by using the excuse of how you haven't really wanted him for a long time and it has nothing to do with the new guy.

 

What i mean is, by using your relationship you have shared with a decent guy and twisting it to slander those memories as an excuse to push your guilt away for what you are doing with this new guy, you do an injustice to the memories of what you shared with your current, decent guy. It's not fair to to both of you for you to do this.

 

You are basically cheating on your boyfriend and you are willing to slander your memories with your boyfriend you have shared a relationship with for years in order to justify what you are doing.

 

I don't think you will feel good about doing that, hense, the panic attacks.

 

That's my take, and I wish you well

[c0nfused88]

Confused. please understand, if you come here honestly looking for insight, yet then refuse to take it in when you get it, you do yourself no goode at all.

 

CLEARLY, this other guy is a major factor in why you are doing this. You say you thought of leaving long before you met this guy, but as I said, ANYONE can say that pretty much about any relaionship. Go to the infidelity section and see how many cheaters told their cheating husbands and wives they had already been thinking of leaving long ago.

 

look at the words you just said. You said at the beginning of the post he is not the reason, then you inform us you have been "Hanging out with him", Flirting with him", and that you have developed "feelings" for him. And we are to believe it is MERE coincidence that this is happening, oh, right around the time you are not deciding to split up with the current boyfriend? Come on now, you do yourself no good to hide this from yourself. I think you are feeling infidelity guilt here as a major part of your problematic feelings.

 

I think much of your fear is that you will go after this guy and it won't work out and then you will have lost a good guy in your current man.

 

It does you no good to deny things like this. Flirting, feelings, hanging out, and now you want to convince us you are not dumping your boyfriend for this new guy? I think it's pretty clear that's exactly what you are doing and don't want to face that truth and you are feeling guilty inside about it in an infidelity way.

 

So you proclaim, "Ive wanted to leave for a long time"? You mean like a cheater saying to their spouse "I have wanted out of our marriage for a long time"?

 

Again, had you really wanted to leave for a long time you would have done so long ago.

 

You have now admitted to us that you have feelings for someone else and that you have been flirting with him, desiring him, that's infidelity, and you don't feel good about doing that to a decent guy who has never really wronged you in any significant way. I would feel guilty about doing that too, I wouldn't feel good about myself if I did that, and clearly you don't either.

 

It's not just mere coincidence that you want to ACTUALLY leave your boyfriend right now just as you are flirting and having feelings for another guy. You came here looking for advice but if you run from the truth here then all this is meaningless.

 

Anyone can say

"Ive been wanting to leave for a long time", but the fact is, you didn't and only NOW, while you are having feelings for another guy and flirting and such do you want to actually make the real decision.

 

So here it is, you are a grown woman in a frree society. You can leave your boyfriend for any reason you want to, but that doesn't mean you can do things against what most of us feel are certain moral standards and fool yourself in to feeling good about it by making up excuses inside yourself.

 

The facts are, you have not left your boyfriend, you have been right where you have chosen to be and you have admitted to us that your boyfriend is a decent guy and has never really hurt you in any major way.

 

You now have been flirting, hanging out, and admit to having feelings for another guy behind your boyfriends back.

 

And now you want to leave your boyfriend and yet tell us it's meere coincidence that you just happen to have feelings and are flirting with another guy at the same time now deciding to leave your boyfriend.

 

You are not married to your boyfriend, so you are at least not breaking marriage vows, but you feel in your heart, and rightfully so, that you have done your decent boyfriend wrong, and you don't feel good about what your feelings for this other guy are driving you to want to do.

 

You are feeling infidelity guilt here and I believe this is what is bothering you, and you fear that if you make this leap and then it doesn't work out you may find out you had it better with your current man that you bargained for, and he would then move on and you would feel guilty for a long long time, and mad at yourself as well.

 

If you are going to come to terms with this inside yourself then the first step is facing the truth. You are mainly doing this because of the other guy and the GIGS, it's really become obvious at this point.

 

No one can tell you what to do, that's up to you, all we can do get you to at least see the truth of what you are doing. You are not married and you are free to doas you please, but you are now learning that this doesn't mean you are free from your own morality.

 

The first step in understanding all this is facing the truth of it. This is GIGS all the way, you are wanting another guy you have been hanging out with, flirting with, and have feelings for, and you are now willing to dump your boyfriend to get in a relationship with the new guy. And I predict you will be in that new relationship in quick order when you get away from your boyfriend.

 

You are spinning yourself like a top to keep from admitting this to yourself. You must afce the truth of this. No one can tell you what to do here, that's up to you and your personal set of standards. But all I can say is ask yourself how you would feel if your boyfriend had been "Hanging out", Flirting", and developing feelings" for another girl for the last few months yet saying nothing to you about it in your home life, and now he comes and says, 'oh, but I have been thinking for years I should leave you".

 

That's a slap in the face to what you both have shared. At least if you admit the truth to yourself and him, you can come to terms with it without slandering the memories you share with your boyfriend by using the excuse of how you haven't really wanted him for a long time and it has nothing to do with the new guy.

 

What i mean is, by using your relationship you have shared with a decent guy and twisting it to slander those memories as an excuse to push your guilt away for what you are doing with this new guy, you do an injustice to the memories of what you shared with your current, decent guy. It's not fair to to both of you for you to do this.

 

You are basically cheating on your boyfriend and you are willing to slander your memories with your boyfriend you have shared a relationship with for years in order to justify what you are doing.

 

I don't think you will feel good about doing that, hense, the panic attacks.

 

That's my take, and I wish you well

 

First, in terms of advice-- I am taking what everyone says here into consideration. In fact, I'd really prefer to procrastinate ending it for a variety of reasons-- and instead I'm forcing myself to deal with the fact that I need to do this sooner. As I mentioned previously I am laying that groundwork now and am deciding now whether to do it before New Years or after (months before I'd really want to do it).

 

Also, I really do appreciate your advice. I did want to mention something to you regarding a previous conversation. You've claimed that I am just focused on my own insecurities and that is why I'm not leaving him-- that he'd be fine without me and that I'm really projecting my own feelings and thinking that I wont be fine without him. While he is a decent guy-- he doesn't really have a network to rely on. When we had a serious discussion last night he said if we broke up he would just become a shut-in. I know he isn't kidding. I know most guys might go through that for a while but would eventually get out of that funk. My boyfriend is pretty anti-social so I'm not sure he would. I know this isn't an excuse to stay with him-- but I'd feel awful knowing he was sitting at home alone all day every day.

 

In regards to the other man, I think you're right. I don't often meet guys that I'd want to date in a serious manner. When I met him, at first it was innocent. Sure, I thought he was cute-- but I wasn't looking for a relationship with him. Therefore, we became friends. I should have backed off when I realized I was starting to want more and was starting to push boundaries. Perhaps I am justifying it in my head because nothing physical has happened, and because my boyfriend knows of my friendship with him-- therefore, I feel like I'm not hiding anything. I think realizing that I can get along with other men and that there are men out there that I could also date has just been the last point on the scale to tip to leaving him. I am not leaving him strictly because of or for this other man- however, I guess I should admit that it does play a role.

[Guitarjeff]

Confused, one more point.

 

At first, I wondered why you had even mentioned the other guy, since this, according to you was only because you knew for years you didn't want to be with your current boyfriend.

 

Now, it all makes sense. You HAD to mention him, yet still get us to say it was alright for you to leave your boyfriend and that you were justified just because you claim you have not wanted him for years.

 

You KNEW inside that had you not told us of the other guy, then us telling you to leave your boyfriend because of simply not wanting him would have been meaningless to helping your guilty feelings. You had to tell us about the other guy but then attempt to get us to say you should leave your boyfriend because of your relationship with him being bad, and not have us tell you that you were doing this for the new guy, which you are.

 

ha dhtis been only about your relationship with the current guy, you would have had no need to mention the new guy, but since you know in your heart you were looking to escape your guilty feeling, our telling you to go on and leave would not help you unless we did it WHILE KNOWING of the other guy. that was the only hope you had of helping you with your guilt, is that we knew of the other guy and yet still told you that we agreed with you for leaving because of how poor your relationship with your boyfriend is. You couldn't leave out the other guy, now tell me that's true.

 

The other guy had to brought in so that could be told by us that he's not the real reason you are about to dump your boyfriend, then you could have maybe felt a little less guilty.

[Guitarjeff]

You are almost there confused, but you have to finish this, you are still blame shifting.

 

You have not been staying in this relationship because you are such an angel that you sacrificed you own happiness on the alter of protecting your boyfriend. All this network talk, excuses, you can't continue that. You have been with him because you felt the relationship was worth being with him at all times you have been with him, or you would have left.

 

I am proud of you, and you are trying to face this, but you need to own up to all of it, you ARE LEAVING for another guy and you have been cheating on your boyfriend behind his back, and you feel bad about it so you are trying to justify it.

 

It's really that simple.

 

You know in your heart that before you met this new guy, had your boyfriend came to you and had been having feelingws for another girl, hanging out with her, having rfeelingsw for her, and not saying anything to you about it while living with you, you would be very hurt and so will your boyfriend.. But then, when you ask him how could he do this to you, he then slaps you in the face and says, "Oh, I didn't do anything wrong because I haven't wanted you for a couple years now" I was only staying with you because I am so wonderful that I have been protecting you, so I have been sacrificing myself for you, that's wonderful of me.

 

That would hurt you even worse for him to use your relationship as an excuse because he can't face the guilt inside him that he has been doing you wrong.

 

You would be hurt, it would have been dishonorable for him to do that to you, and it would have been worse for him to slander what he shared with you by claiming, "I haven't even wanted you for years (even though he had chosen to stay right where he was for those years), I was just being good to you by staying with you for your own sake"

 

Confused, now I know why you felt so bad when you saw him laughing and enjoying the company of your family and why it ripped your heart out. You know what you have been up to is not fair to him and you would also be devastated had he done this to you before you met this new guy.

 

Now you are to tell him you are not leaving for someone else, it's because you haven't even wanted him for years now and have only been sacrificing your own happiness to protect hium. How noble of you, if you can get yourself and him to believe that.

[immitable]

I absolutely agree with GutarJeff and this thread has GIGS written all over it.

 

Confused, it is up to you how you end it and under what terms.

 

Since you came here asking for advice please print out the gigs thread to serve you as manual on your journey.

 

GIGS isnot necessarily something negative, it is also a learning process and most of us have to experience in order to finally figure out what we want.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Guitarjeff]

Here's your conversation to your boyfriend Confused.

 

"Boyfriend, I have to tell you that I have been doing something and hiding something behind your back that I should not have bee hiding or doing. I have to tell you, i have feelings for (Name), and I have felt them for a while and i feel terrible inside for having gotten us in to this situation. I know you will be very hurt and rightfully so, had you done this to me before I met this new guy I too woulde have been very hurt" I must admit, I was trying to ease my guilty feelings and until i talked to some friends I was going to make this even worse for you by using what we have shared as an excuse to justify to myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong" I wasn't realizing that this would have been doubling the wrong i am doing you by telling you our relationship was a lie the last couple years. I now realize that would not be fair to our memories we can carry forward and it would be wrong of me to tell you I haven't cared about you and didn't want you and was only staying with you because i am noble and was trying to protect you." if you did that to me you would hurt me even more than the pain of you not being honest with me about hiding that behind my back.

 

I will have to say that sometimes tragic things happen, and we are powerless to stop it when our feelings are in the way, and my feelings are too powerful for (name) to stop what is happening. That doesn't mean that I don't feel bad about what I have been doing and that I don't wish I wouldn't have put a stop to it immediately and came to you with the situation so that we both could have made a decision on how to work on it to fix things.

 

"Now, this has gone too far and I am not strong enough to take away this tragic thing that has happened to our relationship, so I am going to leave and try to start this relationship with (name), but I could not do so without telling you the real truth, with no excuses, and to say i know none of this is fair to you and what we shared, and I am truly sorry.

 

We have had many good times together and I will always hold those memories in my heart and cherish them, and I have been beating myself up with guilt during this, seeing you with my family and everything. I just want you to know you are a wonderful guy and you have never hurt me in any significant way, and i know in the future you will find a great woman who deserves you and you will make a great father and husband to that lucky woman.

 

There is nothing i can do now that my feelings are what they are and I have to pursue them even though i know what I have been doing is wrong, and the guilt bothers me so.

 

I got myself in to this situation and I take full responsibility and it very well may come back to haunt me and I may regret it very much some day, and i wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to speak to me again. Maybe only one bright spot is that this did happen before I took wedding vows with you.

 

Maybe this is just reality showing us that I am just not the right woman for you and inside i really do believe you deserve someone that won't do to you what i have just done.

 

So i will be leaving, but I could not leave what we shared making excuses or adding more hurt to you so that i could feel better about what I have done. I have a lot of pain and guilt about what I am doing but my feelings have simply gone too far. If I end up regretting this and never seeing you again then I will surely pay a big price and it will have been of my own doing. I can't stop this now that it's too far, so I am saying that we must deal with the fact that this is simply a tregedy of my own making and you are not at fault.

 

You will of course get through this, I know it will be painful for you, maybe as bad for me. But thank you for all we have shared, the good times, the love and respect, and I wish you so well, even if you can't do the same for me right now."

 

Then leave

[c0nfused88]

Here's your conversation to your boyfriend Confused.

 

"Boyfriend, I have to tell you that I have been doing something and hiding something behind your back that I should not have bee hiding or doing. I have to tell you, i have feelings for (Name), and I have felt them for a while and i feel terrible inside for having gotten us in to this situation. I know you will be very hurt and rightfully so, had you done this to me before I met this new guy I too woulde have been very hurt" I must admit, I was trying to ease my guilty feelings and until i talked to some friends I was going to make this even worse for you by using what we have shared as an excuse to justify to myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong" I wasn't realizing that this would have been doubling the wrong i am doing you by telling you our relationship was a lie the last couple years. I now realize that would not be fair to our memories we can carry forward and it would be wrong of me to tell you I haven't cared about you and didn't want you and was only staying with you because i am noble and was trying to protect you." if you did that to me you would hurt me even more than the pain of you not being honest with me about hiding that behind my back.

 

I will have to say that sometimes tragic things happen, and we are powerless to stop it when our feelings are in the way, and my feelings are too powerful for (name) to stop what is happening. That doesn't mean that I don't feel bad about what I have been doing and that I don't wish I wouldn't have put a stop to it immediately and came to you with the situation so that we both could have made a decision on how to work on it to fix things.

 

"Now, this has gone too far and I am not strong enough to take away this tragic thing that has happened to our relationship, so I am going to leave and try to start this relationship with (name), but I could not do so without telling you the real truth, with no excuses, and to say i know none of this is fair to you and what we shared, and I am truly sorry.

 

We have had many good times together and I will always hold those memories in my heart and cherish them, and I have been beating myself up with guilt during this, seeing you with my family and everything. I just want you to know you are a wonderful guy and you have never hurt me in any significant way, and i know in the future you will find a great woman who deserves you and you will make a great father and husband to that lucky woman.

 

There is nothing i can do now that my feelings are what they are and I have to pursue them even though i know what I have been doing is wrong, and the guilt bothers me so.

 

I got myself in to this situation and I take full responsibility and it very well may come back to haunt me and I may regret it very much some day, and i wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to speak to me again. Maybe only one bright spot is that this did happen before I took wedding vows with you.

 

Maybe this is just reality showing us that I am just not the right woman for you and inside i really do believe you deserve someone that won't do to you what i have just done.

 

So i will be leaving, but I could not leave what we shared making excuses or adding more hurt to you so that i could feel better about what I have done. I have a lot of pain and guilt about what I am doing but my feelings have simply gone too far. If I end up regretting this and never seeing you again then I will surely pay a big price and it will have been of my own doing. I can't stop this now that it's too far, so I am saying that we must deal with the fact that this is simply a tregedy of my own making and you are not at fault.

 

You will of course get through this, I know it will be painful for you, maybe as bad for me. But thank you for all we have shared, the good times, the love and respect, and I wish you so well, even if you can't do the same for me right now."

 

Then leave

 

Thank you for your responses. You have been very helpful and insightful-- even if it's sometimes hard to hear. I have come to realize that I need to do this much sooner than I'm comfortable with because it's only fair. I am also starting to realize that perhaps I have really just been justifying everything to myself and I do admit I have made some poor decisions. There are many reasons I don't see myself with him, regardless of this other guy. I'm not sure if I want to give him that added blow of telling him I'm interested in someone else. Yes-- I have an emotional attachment to this guy and hope to pursue it later on. However, I am mentally preparing to take months (or however long it takes) to learn to love myself again, live on my own, find my single life again. I don't know if it is really necessary to mention the other guy? It does hurt me because other than this situation-- I have been very honest with him in our relationship. I have always brought feelings to him. I just think that somethings are better unsaid-- and this might be one of them.

[Guitarjeff]

I also want you to know, though, confused, that should you do the right thing and take full responsibility for what happens, I for one will be VERY proud of you.

 

Most people that get themselves in this don't take responsibility and shoulder the burden of what they have done. Pain and hurt may be their companion for many years if they don't

 

The mmere fact that you have been feeling so bad, like the way you felt when you saw him with your family, IS BEACUSE you are a moral person and you know in your heart you feel bad about what has happened.

 

We know that you are now too far in, but at least you are minimizing the damage and your morals wouldn't let you go through with this without accepting full responsibility and keeping the pain to as least as possible for the most hurt one in all this.

 

You make a speech to him something like i wrote, and I think you can at least hold your head up about being that honest with him and really, it's the only way you will be able to move forward and to let yourself off the hook eventually.

 

I will be very proud to have been a part in you being an adult and finding the real truth and then standing up to what has happened and taking the responsibility to keep others from as much pain as possible.

 

I would be willing to call any person who does that a good person and would be proud to be their friend, and even your boyfriend may feel that way some day.

 

Now be strong and take care of what you have to do in as loving and caring a way as you can

 

Good luck

 

It's been an honor

 

Jeff

[Guitarjeff]

No confused, please finish this in the most honorable way possible. You owe your boyfriend the entire set of facts about the reality that surrounds his current situation. If you don't do this, then even if you do wait a few months to be with this new guy, then when he does eventually find out he will say inside himself "yeah, now I know what this was all about". Confused, it will set him back and thrust him in to more needless pain. If you really care about him and take full responsibility, then you owe him all of the real truth, everything that makes up the situation.

 

When you don't give someone the real truth about the reality around them, you rob them of the ability to make the proper decisions for their own well being. he deserves all of the truth about the situation, you will not be helping or sparing him by keeping this from him, and you won't be helping your own iner self as well and I promise, you will feel bad in your heart for it.

 

Please, take the full, honorable way and finish this as selflessly as possible, with minimizing the pain as much as you can for him AND yourself.

 

You are so close to doing this in the most honorable way you can. Stand strong and take all this on your shoulders. Even if he doesn't ever tell you, he will at least be able to say inside himself, "one thing about her, she was honest enough to give me all the truth, everything, and to take responsibility for it and to apologize to me" Though it hurts, at least i have all the facts so that i can process it all and move on with no hurtful setbacks "

 

He will respect it, and you will respect yourself much more.

 

maybe you can alter some words and give him this letter as well as talk to him. I am not saying shirk out of talking to him face to face, but maybe adding the letter to the talk will be able to get all your thoughts out so that he understands everything and you will know that everything that should have been said was said. Go to him and let him read the letter while you wait,, then let him ask any questions he wants to and be as caring and kind as you can.

 

You owe him the real truth, Confused. Finish this and you be proud of yourself for that, and so will a lot of us.

[Guitarjeff]

And one more huge reason for all the truth, you know as well as anyone else here that what we intend and what actually happens are often two different things.

 

You know that once you leave things could (and probably will) go much faster with this other guy than you intend. The friend comforying thing may happen and things may go way faster than what you are thinking.

 

Do you see that by not telling him all of the reality, then againrun the risk of putting yourself in a bad situation for your own feelings and then your boyfriend has to deal with more pain knowing that even when you left you refused to tell him the entire thruth. Confused, you are too good a person to alloow his memories of this relationship to continue to be soured by pain and feeling that you continued to lie to him.

 

Please don't let your relationship with your boyfriend end on another note of dishonesty.

 

Don't you see how you will be painting yourself in to a corner and trying to hold yourself to something that you may not be able to do, thereby hurting your boyfriend even more? By telling him all the truth and the real reason you are doing this (and it is the real reason, you know this), you are then truly freeing yourself so that any reality that happens with this other guy has been dealt with up front and honest. then if something does happen faster than what you think for, you have cleared the way with truth and your boyfriend will already know what to expect and will have already have been dealing with getting on with his life.

 

Confused, we have always been taught that "Honesty is the best policy", and you know this is not just to have an old saying. This situation clearly shows you that this old saying is very true.

 

You don't want a situation where again you have to feel bad inside about some truth you have again withheld from someone you care about and didn't mean to hurt. You don't want the last thing he remembers about you leaving was again how you weren't being honest with him. If he has been a good guy to you, you owe him the reality, and you also truly free yourself to begin healing as well without having to worry about more dishonesty. You know in your heart it's the right thing to do.

 

It will truly make everything reason you have come here for advice all worth while, do you see?

 

take a letter to him, make sure it spells everything out. hand it to him and say I am going to wash some dishes or go play with the dog while you read this, and then we can talk as long as you need to and you can ask me any questions you want and from this moment on, the thing that will motivate me most is to minimize your pain as much as possible, so you will have complete truth and honesty from me.

 

You will be setting him up with as much power (truth is power) to be able to move forward and get over this as fast as he can with no more surprises after, and also be truly setting yourself free as well so that whatever happens with this new guy, you have already been honest up front about all of it, no worries putting expectations on yourself that aren't natural to what will happen between you and this guy.

 

I know you see the truth in this, it's is the best way forward for both of you, not just him. then you will never have to worry about him thinking that the last thing you did as you left your long relationship was to disrespect him even further by keeping truth from him as you walked out the door.

 

You and he both deserve more than that, don't you? You don't want that long relationship to have last memories like that tied to it. Finish this off the right way, the adult way, the truthful way, and set both of you as free as you possibly can. It's the kindest thing you can do for him as you leave.

[EgoJoe]

No disrespect to you OP. But this kinda has denial and rationalization written all over it. Just know that your current boyfriend deserves better than a girl who is hanging out with someone she has developed feelings for behind his back. Whether he knows you're chilling with him or not this is very disrespectful due to the feelings factor. He doesn't deserve that and it's heartbreaking to watch you justify it.

[HLP234]

I have to agree with some of the others here. Not because I am a guy but because I am going through a similar situation with my fiance. She was doing the same thing, planning to hang out or see another guy when I was not available. And the truth is i would have never known unless it had not been for stupid computer viruses she accidently put on my pc.

 

Well when I found this out I was shocked and hurt beyond belief. I still am even though her explanation said that i took the email the wrong way and that she is just "friends" with him.

 

Its hurtful and I and any other guy would rather be told this than find out. I would rather know hey I have feelings or watever for someone else..that way at least the woman is being honest. I know you don't want him to hurt but its better to be honest than deal with it another way.

 

And I too hate guys that know woman have a bf and still decided to intervene, that is so immature. I once was with a girl that I had no clue had a bf until I found out from one of my friends. I told her off right away and have never spoke to her since. Most guys would not do that, they would rather get with them, but I feel like that is wrong.

[c0nfused88]

Thank you all for the advice.

 

Not sure I can go through with this.. trying to breathe and take one day at a time-- even though I know I shouldn't be putting it off.

 

Your responses have me thinking. Some of you have said I clearly didn't want out before otherwise I would have left. Perhaps you're right-- I think a lot of it is a fear of being on my own. I know I can financially and physically manage-- but emotionally I'm guessing if I'm strong enough. The thought of throwing away safety and comfort is extremely scary.

 

I don't know if I can follow through now-- I'm thinking of seeking some counseling next week..

[notrick]

Ultimately, it's all about whether you are happier in this relationship than you would be without. You haven't caught a disease with an acronym. The pros and cons weigh differently for each person. It drives analytical people nuts.

 

After I made my own pros/cons list, I realized it was more justification than analysis. If you really are looking for validation, I know what that's like. I am going through a similar round of guilt, fear, second-guessing this season. It's hard to see myself as a decent person while on the edge of hurting someone in such a terrible way.

 

If your head and in your heart know that this is not the relationship for you, then it isn't. No amount of internal discussion, or debate with SO, will change that.

 

If you are also agonizing over the "best" way to end this so that no one is hurt, I hate to say it, but that doesn't exist. It will almost certainly be messy and terrible, but it's far better than continuing a relationship which should have ended.

[soheartbroken]

So OP. What's the update?