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Should I stay or should I go? Ending a long term relationship..

c0nfused88

By c0nfused88,
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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c0nfused88

c0nfused88

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So OP. What's the update?

 

I haven't had the urge to update because I'm sure I will hear that I'm a terrible person and not listening to all of the thoughts here. But.. here goes..

 

Not much has changed.

 

Yes-- I still want out. We've had some serious talks but I have no taken any action yet. I also need to figure out some logistics things for both of us. I'm trying to get myself in a better mental state first. (This is where all of the bitter men say that I'm being unfair.) Unfair, perhaps but that's just how it is.

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dicky_fish

dicky_fish

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It is what it is now confused. You've talked to him and now you're figuring out what to do so you can drop the bomb. Unfair - Yes. Necessary - Yes. At least you haven't cheated on him or started gaslighting (don't do any of those things either). If there's one last piece of advice I could give you it's try to make it quick; don't string him along for too long, it'll do niether of you any good.

 

Good luck, and we'll be here when you needs us.

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HLP234

HLP234

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Look, if its bothering you that much when you think about it, then you have to do what you have to do. No one here is going to hate on you. We each have our own beliefs and opinions. From the looks of the thread most guys gave their opinion that it would be wrong to continue something else all along at the same time as keeping your bf around.

 

If you are not sure you are happy, then you probably are not. So take a deep breath and like dicky said, its better to do this soon as the longer you wait the more limbo you will go into. It sucks and probably will hurt him but if you do not feel the same or are unsure, then its best to let go.

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c0nfused88

c0nfused88

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UPDATE:

 

I am having the final talk within the next few hours and letting him know I will be moving out soon. I'll try to update if anyone is still interested in hearing how this unfolds.

 

Thanks for all the advice-- even if it was a bit hard to hear at times.

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EgoJoe

EgoJoe

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It is not about being unfair. You deserve happiness and if you think that is not within the relationship, than I am the biggest supporter of saying go for it. But, make no mistake, I also believe you disrespected your soon to be ex-boyfriend and I hope that he finds out the truth so that he can treat you accordingly.

 

Beyond that: I posted in hopes of trying to get you to see some of your own defense mechanisms. Because they are unhealthy and you were justifying cheating. I am glad that you are seeking counselling.

 

Not all of the guys trying to give you their perspective are coming from a bitter place. Did you ever think that they are hoping that you afford your soon to be Ex-boyfriend some respect and honesty that perhaps they did not receive? The rationale being that he may in fact get over this faster and be better off in the long run.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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c0nfused88

c0nfused88

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I thought I would update everyone if anyone is still interested in hearing how this unfolds.

 

It has been very difficult-- things are bittersweet. I am moving out in a few days. It took a few weeks to sort out things/lease stuff/etc.

 

I have gone to counseling but I feel like it has been a gigantic waste of time. I can see how counseling can be useful to some people but I feel like I have predicted what they will say and they don't seem to understand why I am there.

 

Anyway, thank you all for the advice. It was a help in pushing me in finally taking some action and no longer dragging this out.

 

If anyone is still reading this though-- advice on how to handle contact with him when I'm officially moved out? I am okay with whatever because I feel relatively over things. I don't want to make it very hard to go cold-turkey-- if he wants some contact but I also don't want to lead him on...

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  • 3 months later...
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c0nfused88

c0nfused88

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UPDATE

 

I wanted to thank everyone for their advice; it was appreciated.

 

I am friends with the ex-- and the "new guy" is out of the picture via my choice.

 

I am living alone and learning to be more independent. I have always been in many aspects of my life but I think I needed to learn to live without a man.

 

I may end up back with the ex if things continue how they are now-- but for now I am content and he seems to be too.

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  • 4 weeks later...
biogirl05

biogirl05

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sounds like things have worked out for the best. Maybe you can share some of your new wisdom about living without a man. Is it as scary as you thought it might be a year ago?

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c0nfused88

c0nfused88

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sounds like things have worked out for the best. Maybe you can share some of your new wisdom about living without a man. Is it as scary as you thought it might be a year ago?

 

I wont lie-- the first few months living alone were very difficult. I had my days of not wanting to come home at night-- of not being able to sleep. I couldn't focus and fell into quite a depression. I am not 100% better. I still hold a bit of depression and have difficulties focusing. I still wonder if I made a mistake. However, I know regardless of what happens with him in the future that I needed this time-- even if I didn't go about it the right way.

 

It has been vastly important for me to learn I don't need a man to keep me happy. I have always been independent but didn't realize how much more I can be by living on my own and not depending on someone for emotional needs. It has been a difficult learning process but I think it will make me a better person for future relationships.

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  • 1 year later...
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c0nfused88

c0nfused88

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The time apart did my "ex" and I very well. We both greatly matured and became stronger, more independent and better people. We didn't do NC like it has been pushed around here and I am very glad we didn't.

 

We are back together and have been for a while now and are very happy. We're planning the future and getting married soon.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Kromon

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What a great and unexpected outcome to this thread. I'm really surprised it hasn't had more attention.

 

So what was the catalyst for you two getting back together? Were you seeing each other much during the split and how long were you apart for?

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Jiivy

Jiivy

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The time apart did my "ex" and I very well. We both greatly matured and became stronger, more independent and better people. We didn't do NC like it has been pushed around here and I am very glad we didn't.

 

We are back together and have been for a while now and are very happy. We're planning the future and getting married soon.

 

Congratulations - personally I feel that this is the sign of incredible maturity and growth. I wish you two the best in the future, with all of my love.

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