Should I stay or should I go? Ending a long term relationship..

[c0nfused88]

Thanks for the responses-- all of the advice is greatly appreciated. I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of soul searching. Reading threads on here.. reading various websites whether to end a relationship advice--- talking to a few friends that know the situation, etc. However, I know in the end it has to be something that I do for me and on my own. It's hard because of the uncertainty-- but I suppose that's something we all must face in various aspects of our lives.

 

Many of you have suggested I be honest with him. I have certainly been honest in the relationship. Again, we have had many conversations. Before we moved to where we are now-- I told him I was not going to renew the lease if things didn't change. the lease ends this summer. We're about half way through it now and he really hasn't made any changes. I don't think he believes me because we have had these conversations many times and he usually shuts down during them and doesn't talk a lot. If pushed into a corner it seems he will say he will change but he has only made small changes in the past-- mostly prompted by me and my efforts.

 

My main issue now is the logistics of it I suppose. Part of me wants to wait a few more months-- closer to the end of the lease. I know this will be criticized as not being fair to him. I'm wondering if after New Years I should have a talk with him again to reiterate the changes I would need to be able to stay in the relationship (that sounds so demanding though). Perhaps tell him that I'm seriously going to be out soon if changes don't occur. The only thing I'm concerned about it he might make small changes or efforts in the months following-- enough for me to stay but not enough to make me happy.

 

Is it wrong to stick around a few more months for logistics and for one last shot for him? Or, am I setting him up for failure since I've given him many chances and he never changes..?

[M2155]

You could try telling him where your head is at right now and letting him agree/decide on logistics issues. I do think it's unfair but then I'm getting an inside look to your intentions that I wouldn't normally have. If I were on the receiving end though I would think it was awfully convenient that you made a decision at the end of the lease.

 

A guy friend of mine says ultimatums are NEVER a good strategy. I don't think you can ask anyone to compromise on their values--only state yours and what YOU need your partner to be. It's up to each of you to decide you can meet each others needs and expectations. He can decide this is a situation that's right for him or it's not. The "my way or the highway" approach does seem a little demanding.

[wilsonx]

This is a GIGS breakup, hate to say it, it is.

 

One thing people need to realize is that GIGS breakups are by definition, this type of breakup. Different world views, want to try new things, hes ready to settle, she isnt.

 

Its about timing. This is a GIGS breakup. Everything is there, the communication, the crush, the cons about the current boyfriend, the different values and lack of unconditional love.

 

I havent read through this thread, ive skimmed through it, but if shes feeling it now, its over. There is nothing stoping it. Human nature overrides all logic and reasoning

 

I wish you good luck in your journey and hope you find what you are looking for

[c0nfused88]

This is a GIGS breakup, hate to say it, it is.

 

One thing people need to realize is that GIGS breakups are by definition, this type of breakup. Different world views, want to try new things, hes ready to settle, she isnt.

 

Its about timing. This is a GIGS breakup. Everything is there, the communication, the crush, the cons about the current boyfriend, the different values and lack of unconditional love.

 

I havent read through this thread, ive skimmed through it, but if shes feeling it now, its over. There is nothing stoping it. Human nature overrides all logic and reasoning

 

I wish you good luck in your journey and hope you find what you are looking for

 

How is this GIGS? I have thought this through and been on the verge of ending things for quite some time. I am not going to abruptly drop it on him. It's not necessarily that I think the grass is greener without him. It's that I want a different type of grass. I don't know that it will be better out there-- I just know that we don't want the same things and it's not fair for me to keep him waiting on me to change.

 

Lack of unconditional love? Wow. That is not the case at all. Just because you don't want to be in a relationship with someone for the long haul doesn't mean you don't love them. If I didn't love him-- I'd stick around while it's convenient as I work on my PhD. I'd enjoy his company and waste the next few years of his life when he could be finding someone who wants a family and kids. I wouldn't be forcing myself to deal with living alone and starting all over. Just because I'm 23 doesn't mean I want to go out and party and sleep around. I know that is not the greener life nor the kind of person I want to be. I am merely realizing that I have been procrastinating leaving someone who has vastly different values. I love him deeply as a person but I am recognizing that we will only end up resenting each other if we continue for too much longer. What is more unconditional than that-- letting him free to find someone who wants the same things he does?

[wilsonx]

I never said go out and drink and party around... I said timing.... lets read this again... timing... where in my thread did i say go out and party, thats not my definition of gigs or homebrews.

 

Your timings are off, between yours and your current boyfriend, 22, 23 is that magic number fyi. 22 was hombrews magic number i believe, 23 was his ex's 23 was my ex's.

 

Dont fight me on this darling, you can argue with me until the moon explodes, this is what it is. I even wished you good luck

 

I for one do not think GIGS breakups are a bad thing... <------ lets read this again. Its not a bad thing, its a great thing

 

Now read homebrew's GIGS experience and tell me yours is different, its the same. You want to go out and experience new things, so go do it and stop posting here.

Edited December 27, 2011 by wilsonx

[c0nfused88]

I never said go out and drink and party around... I said timing.... lets read this again... timing... where in my thread did i say go out and party, thats not my definition of gigs or homebrews.

 

Your timings are off, between yours and your current boyfriend, 22, 23 is that magic number fyi. 22 was hombrews magic number i believe, 23 was his ex's 23 was my ex's.

 

Dont fight me on this darling, you can argue with me until the moon explodes, this is what it is. I even wished you good luck

 

I for one do not think GIGS breakups are a bad thing... <------ lets read this again

 

Now read homebrew's GIGS experience and tell me yours is different, its the same. You want to go out and experience new things, so go do it and stop posting here.

 

Wow. I am not here to argue with you. I have read many threads on here in regards to GIGS and understand what you're saying. However, it does not seem fair to as you said "skim" a thread and make the jump to apply such a generic term. Sure, I give you that it is difficult to offer accurate advice without fully knowing a situation-- and you only know what I have provided (or rather what you have skimmed, darling).

 

There are several other issues I have with him. Our relationship is "so, so". We have issues with trust, shared interests, religious views, financial views, sexual views etc. Any of our numerous large issues would be grounds to many individuals to break up. I am not here to be diagnosed by Dr. Wilson as being GIGS. Sure, I want to go out and experience the world and have new adventures-- who doesn't? Just because I do doesn't mean I assume things will be better.

 

I love him, I just don't want to be with him. I am here seeking advice on how people handle doubts.. on how people actually break up a serious relationship while living with the person.. etc..

 

I do appreciate your wish of luck, however, it is often hard to read tone online so I am skeptical of the sincerity. Thank you though.

 

PS: I actually spoke with Homebrew several months back on a different account I have on here. I have been thinking about this decision for a while. He said he didn't think it's GIGS, for the record.

[wilsonx]

you are trying to validate yourself to me and the rest of this board

 

for what reason, i dont know nor do i care

 

go do what you want to do... as for my views on it, its what i see it as.

 

I smell huge guilt... a lot of guilt actually, or you would not be here trying to validate your reasoning for this

Edited December 27, 2011 by wilsonx

[c0nfused88]

you are trying to validate yourself to me and the rest of this board

 

for what reason, i dont know nor do i care

 

go do what you want to do... as for my views on it, its what i see it as.

 

I smell huge guilt... a lot of guilt actually, or you would not be here trying to validate your reasoning for this

 

 

 

The guilt I may feel after I do it is primarily because I absolutely hate hurting people. I don't want to break his heart or see him in pain. I know dragging it on would be worse.

 

I don't think arguing terminology helps-- regardless I'm in a tough spot of not wanting to hurt someone.

 

I am not trying to argue with you-- and am here merely for help and advice from those outside of the situation who can see things more objectively.

 

Thank you for your input. (That is not meant in a snide tone.)

[wilsonx]

question, you are worried about his hurt, what about your hurt?

[GymRat]

I think for the purpose of this thread, diagnosing her break up as GIGS does not serve any true purpose nor does it address her concerns. Even if you're convinced of it, why bother trying to convince her of it? And of course she feels guilty, otherwise she wouldn't even bother posting here and seeking impartial advice.

 

But anyways, I'm glad I came across this thread because it'll be my last one here. It will have been 7 months since my break up in a few days, and I can truly say that the days and weeks immediately after my break up were the worst I've ever experienced. But know that with time, everything does indeed get better. I'm honestly over my ex at this point now, and when we first broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without her. I was hurt beyond what I thought I could feel, but with time, I've grown much stronger and can fathom a life without her in it whatsoever.

 

So what I'm really trying to say is, when you end it, do so cleanly and make sure to stay firm with your decision because ultimately if you have no desire to be with him, you'll have to stay strong to eventually let him get back on his feet and imagine a life without you. You seem quite rationale and I truly hope the best comes out of this. Just know that going into this, you should fully expect to never see or hear from him again and do it with that mentality.

 

Take care.

[c0nfused88]

question, you are worried about his hurt, what about your hurt?

 

Maybe I am underestimating his ability to cope or wanting to shield others from pain that I think I can handle better than they can. For me-- I can see mild hurt by staying that builds and see me handling that better than giving him a large amount of pain at once. I'm used to hurt-- whether I stay or go it will remain.

 

I guess I'm just scared to pull the trigger. I don't know how he will react or how he will make it without me. I know that sounds like a very arrogant statement but he's lost a lot of him in this relationship. I want him to leave and find his life again but I'm afraid of the downward spiral part and knowing that it was caused by me.

[c0nfused88]

I think for the purpose of this thread, diagnosing her break up as GIGS does not serve any true purpose nor does it address her concerns. Even if you're convinced of it, why bother trying to convince her of it? And of course she feels guilty, otherwise she wouldn't even bother posting here and seeking impartial advice.

 

But anyways, I'm glad I came across this thread because it'll be my last one here. It will have been 7 months since my break up in a few days, and I can truly say that the days and weeks immediately after my break up were the worst I've ever experienced. But know that with time, everything does indeed get better. I'm honestly over my ex at this point now, and when we first broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without her. I was hurt beyond what I thought I could feel, but with time, I've grown much stronger and can fathom a life without her in it whatsoever.

 

So what I'm really trying to say is, when you end it, do so cleanly and make sure to stay firm with your decision because ultimately if you have no desire to be with him, you'll have to stay strong to eventually let him get back on his feet and imagine a life without you. You seem quite rationale and I truly hope the best comes out of this. Just know that going into this, you should fully expect to never see or hear from him again and do it with that mentality.

 

Take care.

 

Thank you. I do know it will be hard. I know I will have doubts. I know one day it may be soul crushing-- while another day I may actually have a few laughs and relief out of it.

 

I agree with the GIGS part not really mattering. In the end, don't all relationships end because of GIGS? Aren't you breaking up with someone or going through a mutual break up because one or both people see life without the other person better?

 

I wish you luck as well. I'm glad to hear that you've found yourself and now don't see yourself with your ex. I dated prior to my ex. Some relationships lasted for a while (a year, six months, several months, etc). The "love" word was thrown around then. I think we both knew though we were too young then. It's much more difficult to find someone you really deeply love, live with them, dedicate five years of your life to them-- and finally come to the realization that you'd both be better off without eachother. I know I will always love him-- I just want what's best for both of us in the long run.

 

For those of you who have broken up with someone or done the same, how do you handle the logistic aspects? Were the handled in a good way, if so, how? If not, why not? I don't want to give him false hope-- so when I have the conversation I want to make things clear that they is no "17th chance". I'm not sure how to handle it from there-- I do want to let him do what he needs for him at the time. I'd prefer to be the one to move out-- being in "our" apartment seems too hard right now. However, I can afford to live in our apartment with expenses by myself or to move out-- so that allows some flexibility. I don't want him to seem offended though if when I go to him-- I have a clear plan and apartment that I'm going to move into-- and a moving date, etc. I don't want to cause more pain than need be-- but perhaps this would be better? I feel like it might blindside and hurt him though.. I'm very torn. I'm thinking of an in between-- looking at some apartments on the sly for now-- but not committing-- just so I know the process/lease issues with currently being in one/etc.

 

Thoughts?

[M2155]

I still got say let him decide. If he needs you to go, go. If he understands and will let you stay short-term, then ok. But I feel you should let him have a say.

 

You say you are hesitant to pull the trigger because it will cause him pain, but you are causing him pain either way. The only way to know how he'll react is to have the talk. It sounds like you're prolonging the inevitable.

 

Also, if he lost himself in the relationship that's not something you need to blame yourself for. I lost myself in my relationship too and it took me a couple months after being dumped to realize just how much so ...it hurt, but I got through that and put some effort back into myself. I can't blame my ex for that at all.

[wilsonx]

I'm very torn. I'm thinking of an in between-- looking at some apartments on the sly for now-- but not committing-- just so I know the process/lease issues with currently being in one/etc.

lol... this is a blindside breakup btw...

 

you have a crush, you are afraid of hurting your current boyfriend, and you are slyly looking for an apartment.

 

It is what it is.

 

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it is a duck. Just do it and get it over with and quit being a coward, save him some dignity and respect. Right now as you continue to rationalize and post this, you are using him. The second the thought entered your mind and you posted this thread was the point of no return. Everyday after the date of this post is a day you are being selfish

Edited December 27, 2011 by wilsonx

[Lemontang]

For those of you who have broken up with someone or done the same, how do you handle the logistic aspects? Were the handled in a good way, if so, how? If not, why not?...

 

I've had the good the bad and the ugly when it comes to the logistics side of things.

A nine year relationship I checked out of was surprisingly very smooth when it came to the logistics. We'd brought a house together, car, had pets and shared various bank accounts. When it came to splitting it all up we used the same solicitor and kept it very 50/50. Even shared the pets every few weeks for awhile till she moved away and I took them on full time. Since we were both so mature about it, it allowed us to remain friends and to this date we still get along. We both just don't have a romantic interest towards each other anymore.

 

The bad (and downright ugly) though was with a girl of almost three years I had move in with me who had a child in tow (be thankful you don't have to deal with that, real heart string killer). She came on board carrying a lot of debt and prior to breaking up I'd taken on this debt to help her out, thinking we were going to the next level. Needless to say it was a messy breakup. What was ugly though about it was she wanted half my contents, refused to take the debt back that I'd foolishly taken on board and even wanted half the house she'd never once paid a bill on (I might add I'd often bail her out of car and child payments too when she was tight on cash). It was only on having me making it known I'd fill her family in about some indiscretions she'd made did she back off. It's just a shame it had to go to that level and that she at no time was willing to negotiate. It was pretty immature and only justified my decision to break up with her all the more.

 

If you can get him to talk openly and be fair about how your going to split things then at the very least it opens the door for a possible future friendship (no guarantees however). But if it's going to go pear shaped, just be prepared for the fallout and take some legal advice.

 

On a side note I will add that the relationship I'm in now which has been just over a year I'd checked out of part way through (even posted about it here). I decided to work on this rather than just walk away and I'm happy to say I did. I'm now living with this person and things have been going strength to strength. But and this is a big BUT. I did this because I wanted to make the change to work on it. I'd walked away from a great relationship before in the past and I wish I knew then what I knew now, because I may have actually worked on it rather than call it a day. Only your own experience will tell you this though.

 

Wish you the best of luck.

[c0nfused88]

I still got say let him decide. If he needs you to go, go. If he understands and will let you stay short-term, then ok. But I feel you should let him have a say.

 

You say you are hesitant to pull the trigger because it will cause him pain, but you are causing him pain either way. The only way to know how he'll react is to have the talk. It sounds like you're prolonging the inevitable.

 

Also, if he lost himself in the relationship that's not something you need to blame yourself for. I lost myself in my relationship too and it took me a couple months after being dumped to realize just how much so ...it hurt, but I got through that and put some effort back into myself. I can't blame my ex for that at all.

 

You're right-- I am avoiding what is inevitable. I keep coming up with reasons to put it off. Now I'm thinking after New Years. Once New Years is over-- I'm sure it will be me thinking about the beginning of the semester. I need to woman-up and get on this but I am often over-analytic and can't get out of my mind to take action in this regard.

[Guitarjeff]

Confused, I am now starting to get the feeling that you are not being honest with yourself. I am starting to think that it's you that won't be able to stand the thought of him getting along without you and finding someone else. I have noticed you keep mentioning that you orry he won't be able to get along with out you, even saying that you don't mean to be arrogant. Now I am definitely getting the feeling we are getting a bit more insight in to you and what you are feeling. I believe it's you who are unsure if you are the one that will be able to move on and you don't like the thought of him having a life wthout you, a new woman, and the thought of him not needing you.

 

I'm sorry, but you came here looking for insight and I believe I am now seeing the real thruth here. You are worried about future goals and such, but it appears to me you are shifting your inner feelings over to him because you are having trouble facing the thought of moving on without him and the fact that he will survive and find a new life without you. You have now shifted this fear and made it about you have that concern for him, while it's really you having that concern about yourself.

 

Look at how you said you just donb't see how he will make it without you, how he has invested so much. You know as well as any of us here that he will hurt, but like everyone, we all make it through it and you know he would too, he would hurt a while, that's normal, the pain would die down, he would find someone else and move on, and I think this is the real conflict you are having inside. Your real conflict here is, you can't live with him and you fear you can't live without him either.

 

Sorry, but this insight has just washed over me while reading your comments here, it is your own self living without him and the fear he will get over you and find a new life and love without you, and yes, this is exactly what will happen. You have already said he is a good guy, fairly normal, which means his pain and how he deals with it will be fairly normal, this is no reasin for you to be conflicted about moving on. It is now obvious to me4 that it si you who are worried about your own hurt when he moves on himself and doesn't need you any more and he finds a new love.

 

You already said you love him, you can't just pretend that this won't cause you pain. Tell us, what do you mean when you say you love him, why? What are your real feelings toward him? I'm saying it now looks to me that it's you who are worried about your own feelings and love being destroyed and you are trying to shift that on to him by saying you are worried that he will be the one who can't make it. You know in your heart he will make it through the pain in a normal way, and he will move on and find new love, and I think it's you who can't stand the thought of this and it's what is holding you back. Looks to me like you are right, you do love him and that's why your confission, and why you are hesitating to leave. You are projecting this on to him and trying to make yourse4lf believe that it's him and his not being able to move on that is your concern. This is now clear to me after reading several of your posts in this thread. This is about you, not about him. he will deal with this as any other firly healthy, normal person will. He'll hurt for a good while, go through all the stages, then he will move on in a life without you, new loves and all. It's you that is having a hard time facing this, which is why you are projecting your own fears on to him.

[c0nfused88]

I've had the good the bad and the ugly when it comes to the logistics side of things.

A nine year relationship I checked out of was surprisingly very smooth when it came to the logistics. We'd brought a house together, car, had pets and shared various bank accounts. When it came to splitting it all up we used the same solicitor and kept it very 50/50. Even shared the pets every few weeks for awhile till she moved away and I took them on full time. Since we were both so mature about it, it allowed us to remain friends and to this date we still get along. We both just don't have a romantic interest towards each other anymore.

 

The bad (and downright ugly) though was with a girl of almost three years I had move in with me who had a child in tow (be thankful you don't have to deal with that, real heart string killer). She came on board carrying a lot of debt and prior to breaking up I'd taken on this debt to help her out, thinking we were going to the next level. Needless to say it was a messy breakup. What was ugly though about it was she wanted half my contents, refused to take the debt back that I'd foolishly taken on board and even wanted half the house she'd never once paid a bill on (I might add I'd often bail her out of car and child payments too when she was tight on cash). It was only on having me making it known I'd fill her family in about some indiscretions she'd made did she back off. It's just a shame it had to go to that level and that she at no time was willing to negotiate. It was pretty immature and only justified my decision to break up with her all the more.

 

If you can get him to talk openly and be fair about how your going to split things then at the very least it opens the door for a possible future friendship (no guarantees however). But if it's going to go pear shaped, just be prepared for the fallout and take some legal advice.

 

On a side note I will add that the relationship I'm in now which has been just over a year I'd checked out of part way through (even posted about it here). I decided to work on this rather than just walk away and I'm happy to say I did. I'm now living with this person and things have been going strength to strength. But and this is a big BUT. I did this because I wanted to make the change to work on it. I'd walked away from a great relationship before in the past and I wish I knew then what I knew now, because I may have actually worked on it rather than call it a day. Only your own experience will tell you this though.

 

Wish you the best of luck.

 

I'm not worried too much about the separation of things. We both keep separate checking accounts and our money is separate. Most of the furniture is mine-- but I'm essentially willing to let him take whatever he wants. I am stressing more about the actual moving and not having him around I guess. Perhaps, this is an excuse for me to put it off longer. Hmm.

[c0nfused88]

Confused, I am now starting to get the feeling that you are not being honest with yourself. I am starting to think that it's you that won't be able to stand the thought of him getting along without you and finding someone else. I have noticed you keep mentioning that you orry he won't be able to get along with out you, even saying that you don't mean to be arrogant. Now I am definitely getting the feeling we are getting a bit more insight in to you and what you are feeling. I believe it's you who are unsure if you are the one that will be able to move on and you don't like the thought of him having a life wthout you, a new woman, and the thought of him not needing you.

 

I'm sorry, but you came here looking for insight and I believe I am now seeing the real thruth here. You are worried about future goals and such, but it appears to me you are shifting your inner feelings over to him because you are having trouble facing the thought of moving on without him and the fact that he will survive and find a new life without you. You have now shifted this fear and made it about you have that concern for him, while it's really you having that concern about yourself.

 

Look at how you said you just donb't see how he will make it without you, how he has invested so much. You know as well as any of us here that he will hurt, but like everyone, we all make it through it and you know he would too, he would hurt a while, that's normal, the pain would die down, he would find someone else and move on, and I think this is the real conflict you are having inside. Your real conflict here is, you can't live with him and you fear you can't live without him either.

 

Sorry, but this insight has just washed over me while reading your comments here, it is your own self living without him and the fear he will get over you and find a new life and love without you, and yes, this is exactly what will happen. You have already said he is a good guy, fairly normal, which means his pain and how he deals with it will be fairly normal, this is no reasin for you to be conflicted about moving on. It is now obvious to me4 that it si you who are worried about your own hurt when he moves on himself and doesn't need you any more and he finds a new love.

 

You already said you love him, you can't just pretend that this won't cause you pain. Tell us, what do you mean when you say you love him, why? What are your real feelings toward him? I'm saying it now looks to me that it's you who are worried about your own feelings and love being destroyed and you are trying to shift that on to him by saying you are worried that he will be the one who can't make it. You know in your heart he will make it through the pain in a normal way, and he will move on and find new love, and I think it's you who can't stand the thought of this and it's what is holding you back. Looks to me like you are right, you do love him and that's why your confission, and why you are hesitating to leave. You are projecting this on to him and trying to make yourse4lf believe that it's him and his not being able to move on that is your concern. This is now clear to me after reading several of your posts in this thread. This is about you, not about him. he will deal with this as any other firly healthy, normal person will. He'll hurt for a good while, go through all the stages, then he will move on in a life without you, new loves and all. It's you that is having a hard time facing this, which is why you are projecting your own fears on to him.

 

Hmm. thank you for your post-- it is making me think. You're right to a certain degree. I do think I am more worried about him though. I am very wrapped up in school, work, and have a decent circle of friends and activities. He's out of school now and only works. His friends are primarily the friends that I have brought into the relationship and I know he will not seek solace in them after we end it. I suppose I have been trying to put myself in his shoes-- if someone was my life and they walked away-- imaging how hard it would be.

 

Sure-- I know I will miss him and have my doubts. However, I do think I will be missing having his company-- not necessarily "him". The more that I think about it-- it might be that I'm just afraid to be alone. I have wanted to end it with him for a few years now. It has gone through its phases where I have had hope and things were okay-- but now more days that not that hope has been crushed. I'm starting to think part of the reason I'm ready to end it now is that I have this crush. I'm starting to imagine life without him and it seems exciting (minus hurting him). Perhaps.. I'm only now ready to pull the trigger because I have found someone else that can fill that void. I know I should be seeking comfort and security in myself and not men. However, I have rarely met men that I'd date in a serious manner--- and now seeing that I have someone else in the wings-- maybe I'm seeing there are more out there. (I am waiting for all the GIGS comments to come in now..)

[c0nfused88]

lol... this is a blindside breakup btw...

 

you have a crush, you are afraid of hurting your current boyfriend, and you are slyly looking for an apartment.

 

It is what it is.

 

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it is a duck. Just do it and get it over with and quit being a coward, save him some dignity and respect. Right now as you continue to rationalize and post this, you are using him. The second the thought entered your mind and you posted this thread was the point of no return. Everyday after the date of this post is a day you are being selfish

 

How is it a blindside? I have had conversations with him a lot-- over the last few years about where we're going. We've had a few serious ones recently too. He knows where I stand. The only reason it may be a blindside is I don't think he believes I'd go through with it!

[Guitarjeff]

Yes, Confused, and everyone else, look at this statement.

 

"I guess I'm just scared to pull the trigger. I don't know how he will react or how he will make it without me. I know that sounds like a very arrogant statement but he's lost a lot of him in this relationship. I want him to leave and find his life again but I'm afraid of the downward spiral part and knowing that it was caused by me."

 

When I read this, it hit me like a ton of bricks, you are talking about yourself here in this statement. You are projecting these fears about yourself on to him because you have not recognized this conflict inside yourself. You came here for insight, and I believe others will see this same thing. That statement above is you projecting your own fears on to him. This is the conflict you have, and t5his is why you are here, this is why you haven't been able to do it. I believe I have nailed this to the wall and I bet others saw the same thing when they read your paragraph above.

[Guitarjeff]

Now i will change the statement as it really would have come from your inner self, below the surface. Confused, you were close to seeing this yourself. Your unconscious mind knew the conflict, it had to be voiced and you did voice it, your conscious mind simply didn't or couldn't face the inner truth, so you prjected the conflict. Here's the real statement from your unconscious mind.

 

I guess I'm just scared to pull the trigger. I don't know how (I) will react or how (I) will make it without (HIM). I know that sounds like a very arrogant statement but (I've) lost a lot of (Myself) in this relationship. I want (Myself) to leave and find (my) life again but I'm afraid of the downward spiral part and knowing that it was caused by me.

 

How's that for some therapy? So to me, you are right, you do love him and now my advice is definitely to try to make it work UNTIL you yourself know there is zero chance to be together for the future. Believe me, when you really know it's time, you won't be making statements like the above, either version of the above.

 

The stuff you are saying about him is never a reason to stay when you know being together for the future is impossible. There we have it.

[MissMoni]

Edit. Please just be honest with him asap, for his sake.

Edited December 27, 2011 by MissMoni

[stillafool]

MissMoni I agree. Confused why don't you do this guy a favor and end it already. You don't have any "spark" left, you said you will only miss his "company" not necessarily him. If you left you would make room for another girl to come into his life who wants what he wants so he can be happy. That's what you should do if you really love him. It is clear you aren't in love with him. Right now you have his life on hold and it isn't fair.

[Guitarjeff]

Looks pretty clear to me she does love him and that's what is stopping her.

 

She says she has wanted to leave him for years, but that's simply not ntrue. Just because you think about leaving someone for a long time doesn't mean you have crossed the point of actually wanting it. She is a grown person and if she really wanted to leave him should would have done so. She has been exactly where she has chosen to be for this relationship.

 

She knows darn well deep inside she isn't hesitating because she thinks he won't survive it, I don't buy that for a second. It's the classic old story, she doesn't want him, but is afraid that when she leaves she will want him back, and he might move on and not need her any more and will be happy with another woman, which will end up happening, obviously at some point.

 

If she really knew she wanted to leave she wouldn't even be here looking for advice and opinions. When you KNOW for sure you have no future with someone, you don't need advice about it. Just because the other person might be a bit more emotional and you know they might hurt a bit more can still never make you stay with someone who you know for a fact you have no future with. She knows her boyfriend isn't going to kill himself or something, she knows he will survive as hundreds of thousands of broken-hearted people do every year in this world. Obviously she hasn't been ready to walk away or she would have when she knew she was ready. She may have thought about leaving, but who doesn't think that sometimes even in the best relationship. The point is, she made the decision to stay of her own free will and she did exactly what she wanted to do.

 

As for the other guy, not sure how you can say that is not GIGS? In other words, I see that new toy, that looks more fun than the boring toy I have now, I want that new toy. That's the very definition of GIGS, isn't it? She is thinking she wants the new guy, must be a reason for that right, yep, she thinks he will be more than what she has now, or she wouldn't be interested. How is that not GIGS?

 

 

MissMoni I agree. Confused why don't you do this guy a favor and end it already. You don't have any "spark" left, you said you will only miss his "company" not necessarily him. If you left you would make room for another girl to come into his life who wants what he wants so he can be happy. That's what you should do if you really love him. It is clear you aren't in love with him. Right now you have his life on hold and it isn't fair.