Are Second Chances Ever For Real?

[PoppyLove89]

Having scouted quite a few of the threads in this 'Second Chances' forum, I'm starting to think that proper reconcilliations are few and far between. Most dumpees tend to hear from their exes only to be dropped again once they've reeled them back in...Given the old "I don't know what I want" spiel all over again.

 

Has anybody actually had a full-on second chance, or is it all just breadcrumbs once the dumper feels you're not pining after them anymore?

[gibson]

Having scouted quite a few of the threads in this 'Second Chances' forum, I'm starting to think that proper reconcilliations are few and far between. Most dumpees tend to hear from their exes only to be dropped again once they've reeled them back in...Given the old "I don't know what I want" spiel all over again.

 

Has anybody actually had a full-on second chance, or is it all just breadcrumbs once the dumper feels you're not pining after them anymore?

 

Sure they happen and I'm in the process of one.

 

Click Here to Read More

 

If you want more info or advice, I'll be glad to help!

[fallenenvy]

I agree they are rare.... but perhaps have a better chance of succeeding after a longer amount of time has passed. (years.. not weeks or months)

 

I am with someone i gave a second chance to. We were in a relationship and he vanished on me.. for another woman.. (of course).

 

Anyway after my life spiraled out of control and a lot of things happened good and bad...... he came back outta the blue almost 3 years later.

 

He is a different person now.. grown up a lot realized his mistakes and i know he won't make the same ones twice.

 

We have been together 2 years now and hes done nothing but prove to me he can be trusted again. Its a crazy backstory.. everything that lead up to him disappearing and then coming back and i'm not sure i want to get into it in this post...

 

Point is second chances can work out.. as long as the things and reasons that made you break up arn't still there (which isn't generally the case although in mine it was)

[PoppyLove89]

It's lovely to know that some relationships were filled with enough love/were meant to be in the end.

 

I wish I could say the same but it's not looking likely since we're both NC...but I guess it's only been a month and a half.

 

I'm going to read your story now, Gibson

[Sugarkane]

I agree few people ever actually get back for good. 9/10 any contact is just lies and breadcrumbs. You usually realise that you deserve better and losing these exes was a good thing after all. I'm happy that they're using someone else and not stringing me along any more. I'm pretty skeptical when people want to get back together. Usually the dumper finds a new victim and it easier than doing the work to achieve a real recon.

[Melrapuo]

I agree they are rare.... but perhaps have a better chance of succeeding after a longer amount of time has passed. (years.. not weeks or months)

 

It think months is ok...anything after 2 months has a decent shot. Not better than years, of course. But much better than, say, one week, like myself.

 

Its not so much that I think reconciliations are rare. I know plenty of people who have gotten back together after breakups that have lasted days or weeks. Its the fact that when people reconcile, there usually isn't that time period where the problems were ever addressed.

 

With my ex, the problems were trust issues on my end, and intimacy issues on hers. Both of these stemmed from events in both our pasts. I can't expect her to fix my trust issues, just as much as she knows i can't fix her intimacy issues. Maybe in the future we can be together, but for now, its not going to happen. And thats OK.

[perfectlyflawed459]

I am a believer that it takes a significant amount of time for things to progress forward. For example, take my ex's mom. She went through the exact same thing I am going through now with her now husband. He would string her along, but then choose other girls. Eventually she just dropped out of his life and let him go. She told me it took a little over a year for him to come to her doorstep and admit he made a mistake. The rest is history from there and they have been married since. I think the majority of break ups require some maturing from both parties and that takes a significant amount of time. I had an ex come back after three years, saying he should have choose me from the beginning. I had another one come back after a year saying the same thing. However, every couple is different so I may be wrong. But that is what I think at least.

[Melrapuo]

I am a believer that it takes a significant amount of time for things to progress forward. For example, take my ex's mom. She went through the exact same thing I am going through now with her now husband. He would string her along, but then choose other girls. Eventually she just dropped out of his life and let him go. She told me it took a little over a year for him to come to her doorstep and admit he made a mistake. The rest is history from there and they have been married since. I think the majority of break ups require some maturing from both parties and that takes a significant amount of time. I had an ex come back after three years, saying he should have choose me from the beginning. I had another one come back after a year saying the same thing. However, every couple is different so I may be wrong. But that is what I think at least.

 

Just as a quick question, I'm going to assume you denied both exes when they returned, right? lol that always seems to be the case

[smokey bear]

second chances tend not to work again because of the dumpee not the dumper, heres a thread from 2 months ago where 3 dumpers came back in the same week and it was the dumpees that didnt want it

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=301560

 

i think its 50/50, theres a thread from another website 98 pages long about recons that have lasted, the common break up in all those stories seems to be gigs

[BoredAgain]

Reconciliations are fairly common. A friend of mine recently reconciled with his current GF after a year of being apart, and they had a really horrible breakup. Same thing happened to my brother and his current GF. In fact, ask people (over the age of 25) and I'm sure many will have stories of reconciling with Exes. The problem, as Melrapuo pointed out, is that the issues that caused the breakup are often still there. So these reconciled couples often end up breaking up again.

 

Just ask yourself, why do so many people get upset when their current boyfriend/girlfriend starts hanging out with an Ex? If reconciliations were actually so rare, then such a thing shouldn't concern anybody. In truth, two people who used to date (especially if was a LTR) must find each other at least somewhat attractive, they have shared memories, and their personalities are compatible to some degree. So if both people find themselves on friendly terms, there's a huge opportunity for reconciliation.

 

So I think I've made my case here, and hopefully I haven't given anybody false hope in the process. Even if you do everything to increase your chances of reconciliation, nobody can guarantee that it will actually happen. And, as Smokey as pointed out, you (the dumpee) may eventually find that reconciliation doesn't interest you.

[Sugarkane]

BoredAgain- but if are "friends" with an ex, don't you 9/10 get friendzoned? And then have to deal with watching be happy with someone else?

[ZimboGon]

Friendzoning isn't nearly as much of a threat if you've already dated the person before, because they have the capacity to imagine what it would be like dating you. Especially if you had a good dependable relationship.

[fallenenvy]

It think months is ok...anything after 2 months has a decent shot. Not better than years, of course. But much better than, say, one week, like myself.

 

Its not so much that I think reconciliations are rare. I know plenty of people who have gotten back together after breakups that have lasted days or weeks. Its the fact that when people reconcile, there usually isn't that time period where the problems were ever addressed.

 

With my ex, the problems were trust issues on my end, and intimacy issues on hers. Both of these stemmed from events in both our pasts. I can't expect her to fix my trust issues, just as much as she knows i can't fix her intimacy issues. Maybe in the future we can be together, but for now, its not going to happen. And thats OK.

 

Im not sure 2 months is quite enough time although there are exceptions (like perhaps misunderstanding on one end or the other). Generally however, it takes much longer for things to change or problems to be realized and addressed. I think the main issue is when people "reconcile" and get back together, it doesn't have a tendency to last unless the issues that made you split are no longer there...

 

Trust issues and intimacy issues as you pointed out arn't likely to work themselves out in a month or 2. Things like that need to be recognized (as you clearly have) and then worked on as a couple if said couple is in agreement to give it another go. More often than not it seems if it split you once it will again (although of course there are always exceptions).

 

Kudos to you however for realizing not only her issues that stand in the way of a healthy relationship, but yours as well and best of luck to you on getting through your trust issues one day. I'm still working on mine and its hard sometimes.

[BoredAgain]

BoredAgain- but if are "friends" with an ex, don't you 9/10 get friendzoned? And then have to deal with watching be happy with someone else?

 

I haven't even thought about the idea of a "friend zone" since high school. Basically it's where you want to date a girl (or guy, I guess) but she only thinks of you as a friend, right? Well, here's some information that will assure that you'll never get stuck in the friend zone ever again: You don't have to be friends with her.

 

It's perfectly fine to be interested in a romantic relationship with a person but not be interested in a platonic ("friend only") relationship with them.

[perfectlyflawed459]

Just as a quick question, I'm going to assume you denied both exes when they returned, right? lol that always seems to be the case

 

Haha yes I did, I was way over them by the time they came back. But it does seem to be a recurring pattern. However I am still great friends with them and they both are in happy relationships I am happy that they are doing well and that we remained friends.

[RecordProducer]

Most dumpees tend to hear from their exes only to be dropped again once they've reeled them back in...

Happened to me. We lived together and were married, but he said we were not a couple and I should find another man, we're done. I found a new guy and told my ex immediately about it - more like rubbed it in his face. The ex suddenly, after two years of disinterest, decided he was very much in love with me and wanted me back. Lasted about a week. Six weeks after the "reconciliation," I moved out. We're officially divorced now and he's been dating someone.

 

I think he'd drop on his knees again if I found someone else, but this time it would have to be the day before my wedding day.

[leoc1973]

My last ex and I were together 2 years. She broke up with me. I chased her to death. The minute I found someone else she called the next day telling me how stupid she was. We were together 3 more years. A perfect 3 years in my mind at least. She got her dream job in NYC and decided I was dead weight. Last I heard the big city isn't all it promised to be for her.

[RecordProducer]

My last ex and I were together 2 years. She broke up with me. I chased her to death.

For how long did you chase her?

 

The minute I found someone else she called the next day telling me how stupid she was. We were together 3 more years. A perfect 3 years in my mind at least. She got her dream job in NYC and decided I was dead weight.

Another reason NOT to take a dumper back: once a dumper, always a dumper.

 

Last I heard the big city isn't all it promised to be for her.

NY is on the very bottom on the list of all states for quality of living (standard) and quality of life (subjective happiness). And this is likely because of NYC. The Big Apple is a great city if you're filthy rich.

[leoc1973]

For how long did you chase her?

 

Another reason NOT to take a dumper back: once a dumper, always a dumper.

 

NY is on the very bottom on the list of all states for quality of living (standard) and quality of life (subjective happiness). And this is likely because of NYC. The Big Apple is a great city if you're filthy rich.

 

I chased her for 3 1/2 months I would do the nc thing for a month and then have lunch or coffee with her. She would cry her eyes out and I would cave and ask for her back. Her eyes dried up as if by magic. She would say no and then i wouldn't see her for another month. After 3 1/2 months a friend of mine called me and told me that she just talked to my ex and my ex asked me if I was seeing some one. My friend told her yes and she is beautiful. I literally got a message from my ex 2 hours later asking if we could talk.

 

We lived together in upstate NY my mom is dying so I take care of her. She was sent to NYC to fill in for some people for work and they offered her a permanent position there. It was literally over night that she went from telling me I was the love of her life and she would die without me to packing up her stuff and leaving for the big apple. Well not literally over night more like a week.

 

She rubbed elbows with a lot of rich guys that wined an dined her but from what I hear those guys are just hollow shells of a man looking for sex. She has met a man since that is everything she doesn't want in a guy.

 

She used to tell me if god made a man specifically for her it would be me. She loves that I am tall dark have broad shoulders and good hair and teeth I guess attractive. And she ended up with a short bald blond haired guy with crooked teeth and a beer belly. I found out and my brain melted a little. She said he's sweet and he takes her to a lot of nice places. I think when she told me that I realized she is just damaged in some way.

[RecordProducer]

my mom is dying so I take care of her.

So sorry to hear about your Mom. You're a sweetheart and you deserve better than your ex. She sounds creepy. Seriously.

 

It was literally over night that she went from telling me I was the love of her life and she would die without me to packing up her stuff and leaving for the big apple. Well not literally over night more like a week.

Good riddance!

 

She said he's sweet and he takes her to a lot of nice places. I think when she told me that I realized she is just damaged in some way

How old is she? By the way, rich guys are NOT good catches. If a woman marries for money, then it's a job, not marriage or love. And if he is the whole package: charming, sexy, smart, and rich - he won't be faithful to one woman ever. They're used to buying things and people; they treat all equally, that is, they treat things and people - equally!

And those rich men who are not as$holes don't chase gold diggers.

[chryssy83]

I got back with an ex several times (same one) over several years. My old posts from like 2005 and 2006 have some of the details. We broke up maybe 8 times in 4 years?

 

And he was a cheat and a waste of my time.

 

Another ex, he still talks about how we should get back together, and sometimes we spend a weekend together or whatever, but it's never going to work out. He thinks of me as a back up plan, maybe? And I think of him as fun but with no longterm potential.

 

New rule for me: When you break up, you're broken up. And I plan to tell every guy from now on about that rule. It's okay to disagree or be mad, it's okay to take a step back. But if you end it, we are done. And if I end it, I'm prepared to be done. I will NEVER do the second chance thing again.

 

Sometimes it "works out" but I bet it rarely lasts forever. Most second chances are just postponing the inevitable.

[ZimboGon]

Is it always just the guys that come back mostly? :/

 

I'm counting on her to return some day...

[PoppyLove89]

Is it always just the guys that come back mostly? :/

 

I'm counting on her to return some day...

 

I always thought it more likely that a girl tries to win a guy back because I find us girls are led by our emotions more. Yeah, we're probably the more vindictive and spiteful during the split ("Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" and all that) but I think boys find it easier to shut off emotion completely and force themselves to move on...at least that's the case with my ex. In fact, he's doing such a good job of it, I'm doubting his feelings were ever real to begin with if it's THIS easy for him!

[lilyblue]

Happened to me. We lived together and were married, but he said we were not a couple and I should find another man, we're done. I found a new guy and told my ex immediately about it - more like rubbed it in his face. The ex suddenly, after two years of disinterest, decided he was very much in love with me and wanted me back. Lasted about a week. Six weeks after the "reconciliation," I moved out. We're officially divorced now and he's been dating someone.

 

I think he'd drop on his knees again if I found someone else, but this time it would have to be the day before my wedding day.

 

Interesting. I wonder if this is kind of what's happening with my ex. We were kind of getting close last year (we had always been friends, but heading towards dating) when his exwife showed back up and they tried getting back together. Then this fall we were actually dating when she returned and he went back to her. Maybe she can't stand to see him with someone else?

[mike588]

I can only speak of my ex. When she brokeup with her ex. we started dating weeks later (red flag I Know) and after a year he shows back up. I don't know if she contacted him or the opposite but she dumped me for him and as far as I know they are still together.....4 1/2 months now.

 

This is their 2nd....possibly 3rd time back together so who knows if it will work this time?