How do I not be single this time next year?

[Dust]

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

 

My brain cannot make the connection between a lady in the streets and a freak between the sheets. I see them as two separate women.

 

I do not see the everyday woman as something I can have sex with. And that is why I don't get sexual thoughts when I'm around real girls. I see them as pretty objects that I like to talk to and look at. Not people that I can actually touch.

 

My sexual experiences haven't helped either because the situations were all fake. I've never been with a girl I like, and every woman I had sex with, I knew her for less than an hour before we did it and I didn't have to do anything. It wasn't real life.

 

 

I'm going to try to go without it starting Jan 1. That just means I'm only going to be able to masturbate with my imagination, and that gets old.

 

Love to. Are you going to mail me one?

 

Try to cool it on the masturbating too once a week tops. Try to go over a week with out doing it. And if the weekends comming up or you're going to be around women do not masturbate thats when you need the hunger for the real thing.

 

Mail you what? You need to go find a girl and touch her! Buy her a meal or something first.

 

Now stop asking so many questions and go try something and give us an update. Enough of this "how do I not be single" talk. Time for action. We told you how. Now you need to do something about it. Plenty of girls are desperate for a new years date! Start sniffing around and talking to girls. Just say "what are your plans for new years?" if they say nothing then you try to get something going with them... Get to work! And DON'tyou dare ask me "how?" or "why?" or "that won't work" ... Yes it will just do it and come update us about ACTION! no more TALK

[counterman]

Lots of constructive advice here and people supporting you. Now, as everyone is saying, is time for action. Don't even think, just do it. When I find myself thinking, what I do is just walk towards the girl at a fast pace. Before I know it, I'm saying hi and going from there. I've had moments where I was overthinking and over-analysing that I missed out on chances to talk to gorgeous girls and regretted not approaching them. Whenever, wherever you get the chance, just do it. Be the guy that lives his life and does not hesitate to do so.

[zengirl]

Really, just dinner?

 

That doesn't seem exciting or interesting at all.

 

Do you remember how things got to that point, where he successfully asked you to dinner?

 

In his case, we were on OKC. And I messaged him. So, it's likely not the best example for you. I've had men ask me out to success in various locations: online, in bars/venues/hangouts I frequent, met through groups/activities/classes, met through work, met through friends. . . I've never gone out with anyone who cold-called me in public (those random ask-outs of guys you don't know at all), as all the ones in bars, etc, were guys I'd seen at the place several times, going to the same place repeatedly. I did once cold-call a guy on election night, many years ago, and ask HIM out randomly in public; we went on a few dates, nothing special, but I would've never said yes in that setting had he asked me. But that's me. I know loads of gals who think/operate differently too. Every girl is kind of unique in this. Personally, I've preferred to approach guys, though I didn't mind if they approached me if we had a chance to get to know each other a bit first and have things in common.

 

It's also why I preferred online, where I knew they could read about me and see who I was before messaging me. What always bothered me (and there are many girls NOT like this, mind you) was when men seemed interested in me before they get to know me, purely because of the way I look. I want men to like the way I look, granted, but I expect them to want more from a girl before they'd ask her out. But that's my weird thing. The thing is, every human being on earth has their own pattern, and it's impossible to discern them all ahead of time. That's why socializing in general is a big crapshoot. Really.

 

It would be great to have somebody actually like me. Not sure how to make that happen though. I've never got the getting out of my head thing either.

 

Yeah, I don't have a clue how to generate chemistry. I'm sure it's from what you mentioned and a general lack of experience.

 

I don't think it has much to do with the experience, except that what you've been doing is creating all the wrong experiences and thought patterns. You're WAY too stuck in your head.

 

Then what is the point?

What I'm trying to do is find a way to increase the odds of not getting rejected and to convey interest.

 

The point is putting yourself out there for the yes. In order to put yourself out there for a potential yes, you have to accept a lot of "no"s. You have to accept that there are no real "odds" in this, too. It's people dealing with people, and the odds are ever-changing, faster than anyone can sufficiently calculate them long-term.

 

By trying to avoid rejection, you're actually avoiding success. If there's one piece of advice wholesale that could answer your question (how to not be single this time next year), then it's this: STOP WORRYING ABOUT REJECTION.

 

I would go further and say "re-define" rejection. There's a book the Tao of Dating (they have one for men and one for women) that suggests you define rejection as, "anytime I acted maliciously," something that's intriguing, and it also highly focuses on practicing anatta (no-self; if there's no "you," then there's no one to be rejected; understand all this fear of rejection is ego-driven and just let it go!)

Edited December 29, 2011 by zengirl

[oaks]

I'm actually pretty good at finding out if girls are single, I can just make it come up in casual conversation and they have no idea that I'm doing it to check their relationship status.

 

What I need to do is present myself in a way that says I'm not looking just to make a new friend.

 

Also as I posted before, I have a hard time being able to tell interest from being friendly.

 

So how many girls do you ask out on dates? That's often a good way to tell if they're interested, and going on dates is a good way to not be single next Christmas, too.

 

You've had some great advice in this thread, although much of it you seem to have discounted for various reasons. I'll make it much simpler:

 

To not be single next Christmas you have to ask out a lot more people until one of them says "yes".

[DonJuanInc]

I have Skype. I'll take advice on improving my woman-getting skills.

 

Kind of unrelated, but I can't figure out how to PM you so: my Skype is DonJuanInc, like my username.

 

Offer still stands for OP as well, honestly it's so much easier to give solid advice when you can see the person and pick up on their mannerisms, level of anxiety, tonality etc.

[Meeks7]

How does me not enjoying my life have anything to do with a woman not wanting to be with me? It's not like I actually complain to people.

 

 

In addition to asking "Why do I have to be interesting?" you now ask this. This is one of the core reasons why you've experience little to no success with women in your life. You have to be at least somewhat "whole" yourself. Right now, from reading this thread, you are in a huge slump, and you don't have to talk about it for people to know in real life.

 

I agree with Dust. No more talking, no more questions, it's time for you to take action. You seem to follow up posts with more questions, and it doesn't look like it's helping you any.

 

Bottom line, most people would not date a person who thinks of themselves as boring and has nothing to offer the opposite sex. What you need is to get out of your own head.

 

Getting a life coach or therapist would help you a lot. I think you need daily real life interaction, someone who can push you.

[cerridwen]

 

Seriously somedude just do something. If you see a girl you like and all you can think of is "Me Somedude you pretty lady I want make you my Girlfriend so we go kissy kissy!" Then just say that. Just start talking to girls, asking them out, and making moves. You fill in blanks we can't and shouldn't write you a step by step script to follow. You have learn this stuff for yourself. But first you need to just flip that mentle switch stop saying I can't, and start doing!

 

Exactly.

SD, get out there and start being a madman.

Come back here and tell us funny stories of arrests, slaps across the face, or quite possibly, a girl saying "yes."

 

You HAVE to be tired of standing on the sidelines.

Get in the game, man.

Just rush in.

Anything has to be better than this life you're living.

 

 

Also Cer hows that online profile comming a long I was serous about that.

Err--I've been a little preoccupied.

I'll refocus.

 

Is this profile thing really happening??? I love that idea.

 

Do you, Beachy?

I'd like SD to take an active role in it but I'm not sure he's willing to do the needful and go OTT.

Edited December 29, 2011 by cerridwen

[somedude81]

exact wording isn't needed, and besides every woman is different and should be treated uniquely. All you really need to make clear is that you are asking to take her out.

 

If you want to, post some hypothetical proposal, and I'll let you know if i think they are a good idea. If your interested in a woman that you know from salsa, what would you say, where would you say it, and when?

I'll give an example, there is a girl at my job that I've had my eye on. I think that she's single but I'm not sure. Though I can easily find out next time I see her. If she is single, how can I ask her out and then to what? She's a few years younger than me.

 

Same thing for next year. I know there is going to be girls that will catch my eye and I'm just scared that I'll end up just making friends or getting rejected. I don't trust my ideas which is why I keep asking questions.

 

Formal is a relative term, as it really depends on the personality of the woman. Just tonight I was out with a female friend for coffee and she told me I was old fashioned because I refuse to ask a women out that I have been eyeing for months in any way except in person. She went on to say that in her opinion face to face works in the guys favor, because the woman is more likely to say yes. Face to face requires an immediate response, so she is more likely to go with her gut, not sit back and ponder like she might via text or email.

Formal for me is using the word date or asking a woman to dinner and a movie. I just can't see that actually working for me.

 

As others have said, stop worrying about being perfect, just do it. Trust me, as long as your not giving off an all I want to do is f-you vibe, any women who rejects you because she thinks you're to formal or interested, isn't worth your time.

I certainly don't give off an all I want to do is F you vibe.

Try to cool it on the masturbating too once a week tops. Try to go over a week with out doing it. And if the weekends comming up or you're going to be around women do not masturbate thats when you need the hunger for the real thing.

I can do that.

 

Mail you what? You need to go find a girl and touch her! Buy her a meal or something first.

Mail me a woman to touch. Because I don't have one to touch and look at naked and you should obviously know that.

Now stop asking so many questions and go try something and give us an update. Enough of this "how do I not be single" talk. Time for action. We told you how. Now you need to do something about it. Plenty of girls are desperate for a new years date! Start sniffing around and talking to girls. Just say "what are your plans for new years?" if they say nothing then you try to get something going with them... Get to work! And DON'tyou dare ask me "how?" or "why?" or "that won't work" ... Yes it will just do it and come update us about ACTION! no more TALK

I'm on vacation right now visiting family. I've been keeping my mom company and helping her get situated in her new place for the past week. I'm not going back home till the first week of Jan.

 

Lots of constructive advice here and people supporting you. Now, as everyone is saying, is time for action. Don't even think, just do it. When I find myself thinking, what I do is just walk towards the girl at a fast pace. Before I know it, I'm saying hi and going from there. I've had moments where I was overthinking and over-analysing that I missed out on chances to talk to gorgeous girls and regretted not approaching them. Whenever, wherever you get the chance, just do it. Be the guy that lives his life and does not hesitate to do so.

I know how my brain works.

 

I can walk up to a hot girl say Hi to her and then have absolutely nothing to say. It's easier when I'm in situations where I see the girl a few times and I can find things to talk about. I just don't do too well with the cold approach thing.

In his case, we were on OKC. And I messaged him. So, it's likely not the best example for you. I've had men ask me out to success in various locations: online, in bars/venues/hangouts I frequent, met through groups/activities/classes, met through work, met through friends. . . I've never gone out with anyone who cold-called me in public (those random ask-outs of guys you don't know at all), as all the ones in bars, etc, were guys I'd seen at the place several times, going to the same place repeatedly.

Interesting, so the cold approach thing has not worked on you.

 

I'm curious as to how the "groups/activities/classes, met through work" happened as those are the primary ways I meet women. And yet I've never actually gotten them to actually work for me. Is there a certain way that men were asking you out or flirting?

 

And please, all women are welcome to answer, not just Zenny.

 

It's also why I preferred online, where I knew they could read about me and see who I was before messaging me. What always bothered me (and there are many girls NOT like this, mind you) was when men seemed interested in me before they get to know me, purely because of the way I look. I want men to like the way I look, granted, but I expect them to want more from a girl before they'd ask her out. But that's my weird thing. The thing is, every human being on earth has their own pattern, and it's impossible to discern them all ahead of time. That's why socializing in general is a big crapshoot. Really.

Heh, the bold makes me think of Verizon and how she wants men to be super attracted to her.

 

Personally, a pretty face is only going to get me to say hi, who she is, is what determines if I become interested or not. That's why I like to spend some time getting to know a girl before I ask her out. And I don't get that feeling in just one conversation with a girl. Plus I'm not driven to screw everything that moves, so sex isn't really motivation to ask out girls.

 

 

I don't think it has much to do with the experience, except that what you've been doing is creating all the wrong experiences and thought patterns.

Experience is a huge part of it. Knowing what, how and when to say and do something is all based on experience. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes with women because I didn't know what I was doing. I'm at the point where I barely even trust my own judgement.

 

You're WAY too stuck in your head.

What does that even mean?

 

 

 

The point is putting yourself out there for the yes. In order to put yourself out there for a potential yes, you have to accept a lot of "no"s. You have to accept that there are no real "odds" in this, too. It's people dealing with people, and the odds are ever-changing, faster than anyone can sufficiently calculate them long-term.

 

By trying to avoid rejection, you're actually avoiding success. If there's one piece of advice wholesale that could answer your question (how to not be single this time next year), then it's this: STOP WORRYING ABOUT REJECTION.

As I said before, all I've ever gotten is rejection, btw you never answered my sales question.

 

Also I want to make this clear, as much as I hate rejection; I still put myself out there. I've asked out every girl I've liked. And I've liked about 20 girls in my life. All have turned me down. It's not going to stop either. I know I'm going to get feelings for a few girls next year.

 

I'm not worried about rejection. I just want to get a yes for once in my f-ing life.

I would go further and say "re-define" rejection. There's a book the Tao of Dating (they have one for men and one for women) that suggests you define rejection as, "anytime I acted maliciously," something that's intriguing, and it also highly focuses on practicing anatta (no-self; if there's no "you," then there's no one to be rejected; understand all this fear of rejection is ego-driven and just let it go!)

I don't get it.

 

For me, a rejection is being stopped at anything less than getting a kiss. Once I start kissing girls I'll raise the bar as to what constitutes a rejection.

 

So how many girls do you ask out on dates?

This year I asked out around seven girls. I had at least a minor crush on all of them. Though I'll confess that from June through November, I've been focused on getting one girl. I put my heart and soul into that effort and it pretty much left me devastated. At this point, I do not want to get feelings for a girl I'm not in a relationship with, so I don't know how that's going to affect me asking out women.

 

That's often a good way to tell if they're interested, and going on dates is a good way to not be single next Christmas, too.

Yeah, most of this thread is about how I can get on dates...

 

And asking out random girls till I get a yes doesn't seem like the way to make that happen.

In addition to asking "Why do I have to be interesting?" you now ask this. This is one of the core reasons why you've experience little to no success with women in your life. You have to be at least somewhat "whole" yourself. Right now, from reading this thread, you are in a huge slump, and you don't have to talk about it for people to know in real life.

LOL, I've been in a slump my entire life. Though I don't know if that is something that people can see. Nobody has mentioned it to me.

Bottom line, most people would not date a person who thinks of themselves as boring and has nothing to offer the opposite sex. What you need is to get out of your own head.

When did I say that I think I'm boring and have nothing to offer?

 

Go ahead, I'll wait.

Getting a life coach or therapist would help you a lot. I think you need daily real life interaction, someone who can push you.

I've been in and out of therapy and it's not the kind of help I need.

 

A life coach would be great. I just saw Crazy, Stupid, Love, and I wish I could meet somebody who could get me going. I wonder how much of myself I actually need to change.

 

And I still believe that getting a GF is the magic bullet. I simply can't think of a reason why I would continue to be unhappy if I was no longer single.

Exactly.

SD, get out there and start being a madman.

Come back here and tell us funny stories of arrests, slaps across the face, or quite possibly, a girl saying "yes."

 

You HAVE to be tired of standing on the sidelines.

Get in the game, man.

Just rush in.

Anything has to be better than this life you're living.

Have I really been just standing on the sidelines? Actually, I have been this month. Though never mind the fact that I've been in a full-body cast "drinking" egg nog through an I.V. Still, doc said I'll walk again.

 

Do you, Beachy?

I'd like SD to take an active role in it but I'm not sure he's willing to do the needful and go OTT.

I've only been able to use the computer for a short time each day. I've just been really busy with mom. Though I'll put some effort into it when I get back home.

 

If you don't mind cerri, I'd like your help with it later. If that thing happens, it should be easier.

 

Talk to you later Gecko

[PlumPrincess]

How does me not enjoying my life have anything to do with a woman not wanting to be with me? It's not like I actually complain to people.

I told you that before. Because your unhappiness and bitterness is seeping through every pore of you. You think you can hide it, but people pick up on it.

 

LOL, that's going to be a huge change from hating my life, not wanting to get up, to jumping out of bed with a zest for life. Though I'm sure I can do it once I actually have a woman in my life.

The bad news is, you have to learn to do it before, otherwise you won't be able to attract women. Or just those who are really unhappy and naive.

 

Right now, I think my major issue is that I'm just lonely. I've needed somebody in my life for a long time now and not having that is destroying me.

I do that, too, sometimes and so does everybody else. You need to learn to control that.

 

Did you skype with this DonJuan guy? What was the outcome?

[SilverLining]

SomeDude, there are a lot of people here who have given you a lot of advice. And you keep making excuses or discounting their advice. DonJuan has it right, you need to love yourself, and you don't. Here's a story for you. When I was younger, I switched schools and I was teased badly... called names, food thrown at me, you name it. It really messed me up, I got really paranoid and thought everyone was against me. Later I was switched back to the public school and back to my old friends. I STILL thought I was a loser. It didn't help that I grew up in an abusive family, so I had zero self-esteem. I was friendly with people but I felt like I had nothing to offer, until my senior year. You might be surprised to know that during this time I had a longterm boyfriend, lots of friends, was a cheerleader, and acted in plays and musicals. When some girl I knew casually said I was popular, I did a double take. I had let my self-esteem get so low, and allowed my past to damage me so much, and it was ALL IN MY HEAD. After this, I came to the conclusion that I needed to, if nothing else, PRETEND that I was the ****, no matter what. I started approaching people that I never thought would talk to me, and they talked to me. I tried new things and took some chances, got beyond my comfort zone.

 

The only reason people reject you is because either because they aren't attracted and never would be no matter what, or you don't attract them because you view yourself as a loser and that is carried in your demeanor and attitude no matter what you say. When I stopped expecting people to reject me, they stopped rejecting me in general. Now I'm a confident woman and I never have any trouble finding friends or guys and no one has guessed that I was such a nerd back when.

 

I'm telling you this because I want you to realize that you are a great person with a lot to offer and the person who fails to see this is YOU. Not the women, not friends or family. Once you realize you are great in general, you can learn not to take rejection so personally. Can you improve? Sure. Get a passion, take up a hobby. Learn a language, play a sport, an instrument, whatever. Find something you love and go with it. But realize that you yourself are great however you are and everything else is icing on the cake. When you realize that you are great, and you ask a girl out and she says no, then you realize that she wasn't into you but someone else will be. I know you will say, "but no girl has ever said yes". That may be so, but it sounds like that has a lot more to do with your approach. You meet girls, try to befriend them, then get put into the friendzone - BECAUSE YOU BEFRIENDED THEM. Then you try to get them to change their mind...often by indirectly asking them out which to me sounds like you are trying to trick them into a date so you won't get rejected.

 

I know you want to get to know someone before you ask them out on a date, but that is the reverse of what you should be doing. You should actually ask someone out on a date TO GET TO KNOW THEM. You immediately declare your intentions to the girl, and then see where it goes. Getting to know someone and then asking them out is a weird way to go about it. The girl has already friendzoned you. When people say ask out someone you don't know, that's simply because if you go up to a girl and have 10 min of conversation and ask her out, she doesn't know you from Adam. She can't really reject you (even if she says no) cause she doesn't know you. She's more likely to say yes because she has seen less negative qualities and has had no time to think over her feelings about you. It's a reaction-decision. The odds are higher that you will get a date if you try it this way.

 

Getting a date. Everyone is right that you DO need to get out and interact. And asking somewhat directly works. Although I know this isn't everyone's experience, I have been asked out many times directly. I'll give a few examples. I'm at a coffee shop, a guy sits next to me. He asks what I'm reading, what I like about it, has he read it or not, whatever. After a few minutes he will say he needs to go but he'd like to talk with me more, would I be interested in getting a drink/dinner/etc. I say yes or no.

 

I'm sitting on a train. A guy sits next to me and asks where I'm headed to. I tell him and he questions me about it (work - what do you do?, friends - what types of things do we end up doing?, sports events - which team am I rooting for?). When it's close to a stop he asks for my number, I either give it to him or don't.

 

Class. A guy next to me asks me about an assignment or something, I answer, he asks me how I like the class, asks me if I'd like to get coffee or something afterward. I say yes or no. I'd give a work example but seeing as how you are still in school it might not be valid for you just yet.

 

These are just a few scenarios, but there are certainly more. And I often do say no. Sometimes I am not interested, or I have a boyfriend. But sometimes I do say yes. And it's as simple as approaching women ANYWHERE. At the store, on the street, etc. Nothing to do? Head to a coffee shop or something. Go to a museum. Check out some live music at a bar. In all cases, try to talk to some girls, even if you don't want to ask them out. Just get used to striking up conversations with someone you don't know. The point is to get comfortable enough so that when you actually DO like someone it's much less nerve-racking.

 

Finally PLEASE don't say anything remotely sexual when you are trying to ask a girl out. If you ask a woman to motorboat her, she's just going to look at you funny and walk away. I am not saying you would, but a few guys have suggested saying something crazy like that. DON'T.

 

If you want an interesting perspective (and I know I'm going to catch h*ll for suggesting it) I'd watch a few episodes of sex and the city. Yeah it's completely fake and the women there don't necessarily represent women as a whole in real life, but there are a ton of situations where the guys ask women out directly and you can get some ideas. It's geared towards women and since the show has a huge female following you can be sure that some of it DOES resonate with women.

[Els]

Just popping in to say that I wish you all the best for the new year, SD. I think you have a lot of good in you, and it's great that you have not turned as bitter and misogynistic as many male posters have, despite dating life not being kind to you. Ergo, I think there is much more hope for you than for many.

 

Chin up, good luck!

[Meeks7]

LOL, I've been in a slump my entire life. Though I don't know if that is something that people can see. Nobody has mentioned it to me.

 

Very few would UNLESS you ask them specifically (i.e. "Hey... I'm just wondering... do I give off a happy vibe, or a bad vibe?")

 

For example, I know some people in real life who don't talk about how negative they are internally, but it still comes out in their body language and other things they say. Me being an outsider, I don't go up to them and say "Hey dude, I dunno if you know this but... you really give off bad vibes."

 

That's just something people won't tell you (unless they're your best friend) OR unless you ask them specifically.

 

Maybe you need to ask somone?

 

 

When did I say that I think I'm boring and have nothing to offer?

 

Go ahead, I'll wait.

 

Do you have to say/proclaim it out loud directly for it to be true? Not necessarily. You already asked the question "Why do I have to be interesting?" which has a hidden meaning of being the opposite, at least more toward (otherwise, you wouldn't need to ask that question because if you were interesting genuinely, you wouldn't even have asked that question)

 

Another viewpoint: If you had success in dating, you wouldn't make this thread, correct?

 

If you were genuinely interesting, you wouldn't ask "Why do I have to be interesting?"

 

Be honest with yourself.

 

 

A life coach would be great. I just saw Crazy, Stupid, Love, and I wish I could meet somebody who could get me going. I wonder how much of myself I actually need to change.

 

I liked that movie. I think that would be great for you. Will you really meet some LoveShackers in person? That would help you a lot. In the movie you also saw that the character put himself out there. You really have to just put yourself out there.

 

To follow up on the great post by Silverlining, I'd say specifically ask more girls out to coffee. It's less intimidating than a dinner date, but it's still a date. Your goal is to find out more about each other, and if it goes well, you ask her out on a 2nd date (which would then escalate to dinner).

 

More girls will say yes to coffee dates than you might imagine. Your success rate would probably jump by at least 20%. These need to be girls you just met by the way. Not ones who have already friend zoned you.

 

As for your coworker... that's a tricky one. I always say... don't crap where you eat. If you get my drift.

 

But yes, coffee dates somedude... that is the way to go, trust me.

[homersheineken]

I'll give an example, there is a girl at my job that I've had my eye on. I think that she's single but I'm not sure. Though I can easily find out next time I see her. If she is single, how can I ask her out and then to what? She's a few years younger than me.

 

Same thing for next year. I know there is going to be girls that will catch my eye and I'm just scared that I'll end up just making friends or getting rejected. I don't trust my ideas which is why I keep asking questions.

 

Formal for me is using the word date or asking a woman to dinner and a movie. I just can't see that actually working for me.

 

I certainly don't give off an all I want to do is F you vibe.

 

I can do that.

 

Mail me a woman to touch. Because I don't have one to touch and look at naked and you should obviously know that.

I'm on vacation right now visiting family. I've been keeping my mom company and helping her get situated in her new place for the past week. I'm not going back home till the first week of Jan.

 

 

I know how my brain works.

 

I can walk up to a hot girl say Hi to her and then have absolutely nothing to say. It's easier when I'm in situations where I see the girl a few times and I can find things to talk about. I just don't do too well with the cold approach thing.

 

Interesting, so the cold approach thing has not worked on you.

 

I'm curious as to how the "groups/activities/classes, met through work" happened as those are the primary ways I meet women. And yet I've never actually gotten them to actually work for me. Is there a certain way that men were asking you out or flirting?

 

And please, all women are welcome to answer, not just Zenny.

 

Heh, the bold makes me think of Verizon and how she wants men to be super attracted to her.

 

Personally, a pretty face is only going to get me to say hi, who she is, is what determines if I become interested or not. That's why I like to spend some time getting to know a girl before I ask her out. And I don't get that feeling in just one conversation with a girl. Plus I'm not driven to screw everything that moves, so sex isn't really motivation to ask out girls.

 

 

Experience is a huge part of it. Knowing what, how and when to say and do something is all based on experience. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes with women because I didn't know what I was doing. I'm at the point where I barely even trust my own judgement.

 

What does that even mean?

 

 

 

As I said before, all I've ever gotten is rejection, btw you never answered my sales question.

 

Also I want to make this clear, as much as I hate rejection; I still put myself out there. I've asked out every girl I've liked. And I've liked about 20 girls in my life. All have turned me down. It's not going to stop either. I know I'm going to get feelings for a few girls next year.

 

I'm not worried about rejection. I just want to get a yes for once in my f-ing life.

I don't get it.

 

For me, a rejection is being stopped at anything less than getting a kiss. Once I start kissing girls I'll raise the bar as to what constitutes a rejection.

 

 

This year I asked out around seven girls. I had at least a minor crush on all of them. Though I'll confess that from June through November, I've been focused on getting one girl. I put my heart and soul into that effort and it pretty much left me devastated. At this point, I do not want to get feelings for a girl I'm not in a relationship with, so I don't know how that's going to affect me asking out women.

 

Yeah, most of this thread is about how I can get on dates...

 

And asking out random girls till I get a yes doesn't seem like the way to make that happen.

 

LOL, I've been in a slump my entire life. Though I don't know if that is something that people can see. Nobody has mentioned it to me.

When did I say that I think I'm boring and have nothing to offer?

 

Go ahead, I'll wait.I've been in and out of therapy and it's not the kind of help I need.

 

A life coach would be great. I just saw Crazy, Stupid, Love, and I wish I could meet somebody who could get me going. I wonder how much of myself I actually need to change.

 

And I still believe that getting a GF is the magic bullet. I simply can't think of a reason why I would continue to be unhappy if I was no longer single.

 

Have I really been just standing on the sidelines? Actually, I have been this month. Though never mind the fact that I've been in a full-body cast "drinking" egg nog through an I.V. Still, doc said I'll walk again.

 

I've only been able to use the computer for a short time each day. I've just been really busy with mom. Though I'll put some effort into it when I get back home.

 

If you don't mind cerri, I'd like your help with it later. If that thing happens, it should be easier.

 

Talk to you later Gecko

 

YOu've asked out 20 chicks in your life? You have to do A LOT more than that. I go through that in a month or 2 tops. Who cares if they say NO, that just means you're that much closer to the one.

 

And don't put so much energy into someone you don't know/haven't been out with. Keep working them, fine, but there are others you can pursue.

[Dust]

SomeDude, there are a lot of people here who have given you a lot of advice. And you keep making excuses or discounting their advice. DonJuan has it right, you need to love yourself, and you don't. Here's a story for you. When I was younger, I switched schools and I was teased badly... called names, food thrown at me, you name it. It really messed me up, I got really paranoid and thought everyone was against me. Later I was switched back to the public school and back to my old friends. I STILL thought I was a loser. It didn't help that I grew up in an abusive family, so I had zero self-esteem. I was friendly with people but I felt like I had nothing to offer, until my senior year. You might be surprised to know that during this time I had a longterm boyfriend, lots of friends, was a cheerleader, and acted in plays and musicals. When some girl I knew casually said I was popular, I did a double take. I had let my self-esteem get so low, and allowed my past to damage me so much, and it was ALL IN MY HEAD. After this, I came to the conclusion that I needed to, if nothing else, PRETEND that I was the ****, no matter what. I started approaching people that I never thought would talk to me, and they talked to me. I tried new things and took some chances, got beyond my comfort zone.

 

The only reason people reject you is because either because they aren't attracted and never would be no matter what, or you don't attract them because you view yourself as a loser and that is carried in your demeanor and attitude no matter what you say. When I stopped expecting people to reject me, they stopped rejecting me in general. Now I'm a confident woman and I never have any trouble finding friends or guys and no one has guessed that I was such a nerd back when.

 

I'm telling you this because I want you to realize that you are a great person with a lot to offer and the person who fails to see this is YOU. Not the women, not friends or family. Once you realize you are great in general, you can learn not to take rejection so personally. Can you improve? Sure. Get a passion, take up a hobby. Learn a language, play a sport, an instrument, whatever. Find something you love and go with it. But realize that you yourself are great however you are and everything else is icing on the cake. When you realize that you are great, and you ask a girl out and she says no, then you realize that she wasn't into you but someone else will be. I know you will say, "but no girl has ever said yes". That may be so, but it sounds like that has a lot more to do with your approach. You meet girls, try to befriend them, then get put into the friendzone - BECAUSE YOU BEFRIENDED THEM. Then you try to get them to change their mind...often by indirectly asking them out which to me sounds like you are trying to trick them into a date so you won't get rejected.

 

I know you want to get to know someone before you ask them out on a date, but that is the reverse of what you should be doing. You should actually ask someone out on a date TO GET TO KNOW THEM. You immediately declare your intentions to the girl, and then see where it goes. Getting to know someone and then asking them out is a weird way to go about it. The girl has already friendzoned you. When people say ask out someone you don't know, that's simply because if you go up to a girl and have 10 min of conversation and ask her out, she doesn't know you from Adam. She can't really reject you (even if she says no) cause she doesn't know you. She's more likely to say yes because she has seen less negative qualities and has had no time to think over her feelings about you. It's a reaction-decision. The odds are higher that you will get a date if you try it this way.

 

Getting a date. Everyone is right that you DO need to get out and interact. And asking somewhat directly works. Although I know this isn't everyone's experience, I have been asked out many times directly. I'll give a few examples. I'm at a coffee shop, a guy sits next to me. He asks what I'm reading, what I like about it, has he read it or not, whatever. After a few minutes he will say he needs to go but he'd like to talk with me more, would I be interested in getting a drink/dinner/etc. I say yes or no.

 

I'm sitting on a train. A guy sits next to me and asks where I'm headed to. I tell him and he questions me about it (work - what do you do?, friends - what types of things do we end up doing?, sports events - which team am I rooting for?). When it's close to a stop he asks for my number, I either give it to him or don't.

 

Class. A guy next to me asks me about an assignment or something, I answer, he asks me how I like the class, asks me if I'd like to get coffee or something afterward. I say yes or no. I'd give a work example but seeing as how you are still in school it might not be valid for you just yet.

 

These are just a few scenarios, but there are certainly more. And I often do say no. Sometimes I am not interested, or I have a boyfriend. But sometimes I do say yes. And it's as simple as approaching women ANYWHERE. At the store, on the street, etc. Nothing to do? Head to a coffee shop or something. Go to a museum. Check out some live music at a bar. In all cases, try to talk to some girls, even if you don't want to ask them out. Just get used to striking up conversations with someone you don't know. The point is to get comfortable enough so that when you actually DO like someone it's much less nerve-racking.

 

Finally PLEASE don't say anything remotely sexual when you are trying to ask a girl out. If you ask a woman to motorboat her, she's just going to look at you funny and walk away. I am not saying you would, but a few guys have suggested saying something crazy like that. DON'T.

 

If you want an interesting perspective (and I know I'm going to catch h*ll for suggesting it) I'd watch a few episodes of sex and the city. Yeah it's completely fake and the women there don't necessarily represent women as a whole in real life, but there are a ton of situations where the guys ask women out directly and you can get some ideas. It's geared towards women and since the show has a huge female following you can be sure that some of it DOES resonate with women.

 

What a long and touching story. I got rather turned on about the thought of a cheerleader having food throw at her. Sorry that happened though! Really a good read!

 

BUT Hardly helpful considering you shot down my great advice of him having fun for a change and saying something crazy! Then you followed that up with the suggestion he start watching Sex and the city… Oh brother! DO NOT WATCH SEX IN THE CITY

 

When I said the “motor boat” thing I was half joking and talking about the online account where he msgs tons of random women. I just wanted him to have fun for a change. He just worries and stresses about it. Talking to women should be fun and not about stressing if each one will be your gf.

 

Somedude its Friday! Go out and be in the world. Call your acquaintances/friends and see if they want to play some pool or throw darts. Get out of your house and don’t worry about getting a gf. Just have fun dance with a girl even if there is no music playing get my drift… Just ask her to dance, put your hands on her hips and imagine how great she’ll look naked. Stop worrying about the goal of getting a gf and just enjoy your interactions with people and more specifically women.

 

You’ll teach your self Somedude because life is something that must be lived. It’s not something you can read about in a book or learn from some one else. Get out there an live and update us if you want of things you are actually doing. Once you have ACTION then maybe the things we are saying will make more sense. You’ll teach yourself. Get on the path to the things you want. Stop worrying. If you just stopped worrying and went out there and had fun talking to women, touching them, and making moves you’d have no more problem.

[SilverLining]

Haha Dust, cheerleading was high school and I was teased in Mid school. I totally got your idea about just going out there and having fun and stop taking things so seriously...which is great advice...but I think maybe a little TOO advanced for SD at this point. First he needs to be able to have ANY kind of conversation involving asking a girl out before he jumps to crazy. I love how you encourage him to just go for it though!

[somedude81]

Some great posts in here.

 

Going to take me some time to fully read over and respond to them all.

[cerridwen]

Some great posts in here.

 

Indeed.

I know of football teams with lesser cheerleading sections.

 

I don't suppose you're planning anything for NYE?

Maybe something out with the fellas/cousins?

Something maybe wonderfully Dust-esque?

 

If not, consider throwing a few people together and head to a casual watering hole.

Have a few drinks, loosen up, put some music on the juke, start eyeballing the room for the lucky winner of your attentions.

It's a night for fun.

Hope you find some!

 

And just try to remember: Life's only as serious as we make it.

Edited December 30, 2011 by cerridwen

[Red Arremer]

Try to cool it on the masturbating too once a week tops. Try to go over a week with out doing it. And if the weekends comming up or you're going to be around women do not masturbate thats when you need the hunger for the real thing.

I've always heard people say this, but I've never really believed it. As sexually frustrated as I am, masturbation has always seemed like the only thing keeping me from being that creepy guy that hangs out on OLD sites mailing out unsolicited pictures of his tool.

 

Plus there's the fact that this sort of advice has always struck me in the same way wingnuts want poor people to starve because that will somehow magically help them find a better job, but that's neither here nor there.

[Red Arremer]

But seriously though, I can definitely relate to the OP. In my almost 30 years on this earth I've been through a large stack of self-help books, no less than half a dozen different antidepressants and literally more therapists than I can count, and I am still hopelessly in my head. I'm about ready to just say screw it and get a lobotomy.

[jobaba]

I'll give an example, there is a girl at my job that I've had my eye on. I think that she's single but I'm not sure. Though I can easily find out next time I see her. If she is single, how can I ask her out and then to what? She's a few years younger than me.

 

Formal for me is using the word date or asking a woman to dinner and a movie. I just can't see that actually working for me.

 

Experience is a huge part of it. Knowing what, how and when to say and do something is all based on experience. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes with women because I didn't know what I was doing. I'm at the point where I barely even trust my own judgement.

 

Here's the thing about that. Women are different. One woman I dated said that if I had done a few things differently in the beginning stages of my courtship (way I asked her out, when I asked her out) that she would not have become romantically involved with me. Well, that's retarded in my not so humble opinion, but whatever, I won that one.

 

Another woman I dated said to me much later that she knew from the second time we 'hung out' that we'd get along awesome.

 

You cannot beat yourself up over your approach because every woman will have a different interpretation of your actions. One will think it was too straightforward, another will think it was too wussy.

 

That said, it's usually better to err on the side of bold and assertive.

 

YOu've asked out 20 chicks in your life? You have to do A LOT more than that. I go through that in a month or 2 tops. Who cares if they say NO, that just means you're that much closer to the one.

 

And don't put so much energy into someone you don't know/haven't been out with. Keep working them, fine, but there are others you can pursue.

 

Best advice in this thread...

[Els]

Here's the thing about that. Women are different. One woman I dated said that if I had done a few things differently in the beginning stages of my courtship (way I asked her out, when I asked her out) that she would not have become romantically involved with me. Well, that's retarded in my not so humble opinion, but whatever, I won that one.

 

Another woman I dated said to me much later that she knew from the second time we 'hung out' that we'd get along awesome.

 

You cannot beat yourself up over your approach because every woman will have a different interpretation of your actions. One will think it was too straightforward, another will think it was too wussy.

 

Yep, agreed completely.

Best advice in this thread...

 

Case in point: I would totally dismiss a guy if I knew he was asking out 20 girls a month (and if you live in a small town or are asking around a small community like college, word gets out, believe me). To me, that indicates that he's not actually interested in me, he sees me as just another fish in the sea.

 

However, there are women who do not mind, or who like that. So basically learn from experimentation, find out what appeals to the sort of woman you like. And move from there.

[counterman]

I tend not to ask girls out who I know have mutual friends with because one would definitely find out I asked the other. I asked a girl out I met in class once and it turned out we had a mutual friend. From that mutual friend, the next day, EVERYONE knew I asked her out and the exact details too.

 

Elswyth, fair point -- I see why some girls would dismiss a guy if she knew he was asking many girls out in a month. Every girl I approach, I am physically attracted to them. From those girls, those that I am still interested in after a short conversation, I ask out. I would never ask out a girl that I was not interested in or curious about. If she rejects me and I ask another girl out soon after, it doesn't mean that I wasn't interested in the other girl, she just wasn't interested in me and I have to move on. And the fact is, there are plenty of other girls. If she's interested, it could lead to something more. If she's not, she's just 'another fish in the sea'.

[Els]

Certainly, counterman, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's just a different preference. I prefer a guy who is really interested in me and takes the time and effort to win me over and court me. That takes precendence over many other things such as his height, money, appearance, etc, for me. Other women will certainly differ.

[zengirl]

Interesting, so the cold approach thing has not worked on you.

 

No, and I think the cold approach thing is more likely to work on women who are more likely to have casual hookups/be attracted to a man physically without getting to know him. I can find a guy cute just by looking at him, but I cannot be really interested in him unless there's something more, so I don't get cold approaches. I have seen it work on girls, usually those who like attention towards their beauty or just would go out with any cute guy.

 

I'm curious as to how the "groups/activities/classes, met through work" happened as those are the primary ways I meet women. And yet I've never actually gotten them to actually work for me. Is there a certain way that men were asking you out or flirting?

 

They were being themselves and interesting to me. I can say that, generally, all the men I've dated and my friends (male and female, but especially for males) who are more successful at dating were comfortable socializing and comfortable with the outcomes -- even though they might be hopeful or excited or even anxious -- of interactions, even when they went awry. This is often summed up as "confidence," but I'd call it something else: They had a sense of self and accepted what happened and kept going. Beyond that, the men I dated in particular had many common data points, but those are specific to ME and what I look for in a guy. There is no universal, "I dig this," guide to women -- everyone is different and wants something different.

 

Most good relationships do come organically, though, I think, which is the exact opposite of what you are trying to do. You're so stuck trying to get it "right" that you aren't finding your own organic style.

 

Heh, the bold makes me think of Verizon and how she wants men to be super attracted to her.

 

Yes, everyone wants something different!

 

Experience is a huge part of it. Knowing what, how and when to say and do something is all based on experience. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes with women because I didn't know what I was doing. I'm at the point where I barely even trust my own judgement.

 

The best you can do is be your organic self, say what comes from there, and see what happens. There is no formula -- well, I mean there are things that help: being a rich celebrity with a body straight out of a Calvin Klein underwear ad certainly is a different cuppa than most people are in, for instance, but there's no use trying to crack a formula that isn't you. There are no magic "conversation" modes to crack.

 

As I said before, all I've ever gotten is rejection, btw you never answered my sales question.

 

If I really couldn't sell anything, I'd've gotten out of sales. But I would call 100s of clients a day when I started out. Do you hit on 100s of girls a day? I'm willing to guess you don't really put yourself out there that much, as Dust said. Not that hitting on 100s of girls is necessarily the answer. I think the answer is just accepting that rejection happens, success is possible, and the most important thing is neither success, nor rejection, but finding your own organic style and knowing what you want/need.

[counterman]

Certainly, counterman, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's just a different preference. I prefer a guy who is really interested in me and takes the time and effort to win me over and court me. That takes precendence over many other things such as his height, money, appearance, etc, for me. Other women will certainly differ.

 

I think that's lovely and my last relationship eventuated from me getting to know her and taking my time to win her over. However, it ended up as a big disappointment and left me wary of investing time to win a girl over again. So that's why I take the approach I take. I wish some girls actually took the time to get to know me better and really get to know me, instead of making assumptions and discounting me... but that's if a girl doesn't give me her time of day, there's not much I can do. I wish I met more girls without cold approaching.