My T urged me to break NC. Very long, need

[GreenPolicy]

I'm 14 months out from the traumatic end of a relationship. I told my new counselor the entire story, how I felt stuck in my grief lacking closure, and needed help moving on.

 

Here is what he told me: he said that based on the way that things ended, my feelings are normal, and the lack of closure is hard to attain in these cases. Although it's not as bad, he compared it to a parent whose child goes missing, and until the child either returns home or the body is found, they are stuck in limbo without closure not knowing what happened. He said that it is going to be extremely difficult, if not altogether impossible, to move on and form another attachment with the right woman at the right time if I'm still stuck and unavailable as a result of the demise of this relationship. He said that based on the way things ended, if anything I was too respectful of her boundaries, too respectful of her decision to end things. He said most people would have pressed more for a better explanation.

 

I explained how in the beginning that I did not want to push her away any further and blow any chances of reconciling, all I did was write her a letter, and that when she ignored the letter, that kind of said it all as far as I was concerned and any further contact seemed pointless. I said that I was also concerned about not sacrificing my dignity and self respect in the immediate aftermath by continuing to plead my case/press for answers, and that after the letter went unanswered, I thought any further contact would just be digging an even deeper hole.

 

He said that based on what I was telling him, it really seemed like I was stuck because I swallowed all of my anger, that I never purged it, that I tried to be the bigger person. He said I should strongly consider breaking NC to express my anger to her, not in a mean, punitive "you effing b****" way, but in a dignified, "You really hurt me, and that's not right" way.

 

I told him that I was extremely reluctant to break NC, that I wanted closure, and that I hoped he could show me how to get it without her participation. He said to go ahead and write a letter anyways, just really let her have it. I should not feel the need to send it, but just get my thoughts out on paper. He said I might find enough catharsis just by writing it out and putting it in a drawer, or that after enough tweaks and edits, I might actually want to send the letter.

 

Second post will be the history of our relationship and it's demise. Third post will be the letter I did write her two weeks after we broke up. Fourth post will be the letter I recently wrote and am currently 70/30 in favor of NOT sending.

[GreenPolicy]

I started dating my ex two years ago when I was 31 and she had just turned 30. It ended at the one-year mark just over a year ago. She told me at the beginning that most of her relationships were short-term because the guys would annoy her and she had only two previous that lasted as long as a year. Her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and told her mom to get an abortion. Her mom remarried when she was 5. She was raised by her mom and stepdad and she said that they would fight all the time over her. Her stepdad is who she considers her real father, but she even expressed some resentment about him when we were together. In her early twenties she partied a lot and about seven years ago was arrested for possession of speed. After that she drastically changed her lifestyle habits.

 

Anyways we hit it off, had a great connection and chemistry, similar values, goals in life. We started talking marriage after several months. I have a card from her from Valentine’s Day where she writes “I have always been wondering when God would bring my future husband into my life and now I’ve found him. I know I will succeed in life with you as my husband by my side.” She sat her parents down and told them I was The One and I was different from all the other guys she’d ever dated. She told me throughout the time we were together that it was the best relationship she’d ever been in and I was the best guy she'd ever had. She even introduced me to her biological father, something she had never done with any guy she had ever dated before. Before me, she had had no contact with him for three years. After we started dating, she broke three years of silence and told him that there was somebody she wanted him to meet. Her parents wanted to meet mine after she sat them down and told them I was The One.

 

Six weeks before she dumped me she was emailing me suggestions for wedding venues and addressing me as her fiance. I remember going on a tour of a historical home with her and she tells the guide "We're going to get married and I want to know if you rent this space out for weddings and receptions." A month before she dumped me she reminded me that her parents really wanted to meet mine and didn't want to wait until the wedding. Two weeks before she dumped me we went to a jewelry convention to look at bands so I could get a better idea of what to get her. Five days before she dumped me she made a comment in an email about what kind of engagement ring she wanted. The last time I ever hung out with her and her parents was two months before the breakup. We're having dinner and she tells her mom in front of me "I was sitting out by the pool today after work and I kept thinking to myself 'You know, I really love that boy.'"

 

Fall 2010 we were supposed to go to four weddings, all for her friends/family. We had already been to one. The last time I ever hung out with her was on a Thursday night in October at her apartment. When I got there, I told her I had secured a job interview for Sunday for a second job to pay for the ring. That night while I was hanging out with her my mom called. My dad had driven home drunk from work and crashed his truck into her car in the driveway, totalling both vehicles. I left my ex there to help my mom take him to a rehab facility. Two days later on Saturday, we were supposed to go to another wedding for her friend, and I had let my mom borrow my car since my dad had wrecked both of theirs. My ex texts me at nine in the morning asking to come over. I thought it was weird that she wanted to come over so early.

 

This was exactly two weeks shy of our first anniversary. When she arrived, she came into my apt and said she doesn’t feel like she can love me the way I want to be loved and need to be loved. I tell her I don’t feel neglected by her. She said when I give her compliments and show her affection, she doesn’t feel like that person on the inside. She said she’s never been in a relationship longer than a year and she always does this. She said she doesn’t want to waste anymore of my time and make me go to weddings I don’t want to go to and don’t have to go to. I NEVER expressed any resentment about all these weddings for her friends/family and I told her this. The entire breakup conversation lasted about 20 minutes and she didn't say anything beyond what I already noted. The very last thing she said to me before walking out of my apartment was "You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married."

 

She's very religious and comes from a very conservative background. A couple of weeks before we broke up she made a very weird comment about how she wanted to go to heaven now. I was like “What the hell? Don’t you mean you want to go to heaven when you die? What about our future together? You’re not looking forward to that?” And she says “Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, I’d just rather be there now.” There were also a few other occasions the last month we were together where she said she wished Jesus would come back already.

 

I never called/texted/emailed. The only two gestures I made post breakup were to send her flowers and I wrote her a snail letter. The snail letter was about two weeks after the breakup. I had some friends look it over first so I didn’t come across as pathetically begging to get back together or being hateful or spiteful. I basically just said that I respected her decision if she thought that was for the best, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save and that I wanted to try couples counseling. And if she didn’t want to do that, then we couldn’t be friends or remain in touch. Her response to that final letter was to maintain 3 months of radio silence and then this past January she emailed me during funeral preparations for my grandfather to ask for her bike back.

 

It was sad and weird seeing her again. The whole encounter lasted four minutes. I could tell she was genuinely glad to see me, but it felt like there was this invisible plane between us. I was told by all my friends and family to just keep it all business and only exchange pleasantries, don't cry in front of her, don't bring up the breakup, just be pleasant and polite and stay calm. And that's what I did. Last thing I said was “I just want to say take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life.” And she said “Aww thank you” and then I told her goodbye and walked back to my apt.

 

I eventually signed up for a profile on OK Cupid. In July, I received a message from somebody I did not recognize. I log in to the site and read the message, then browse to this girl's profile. She had several pictures up of her posing with her friends. My ex appeared in two of the pictures. I was shocked and greatly upset. I was going to ignore the message, but I decided to reply. This was the exchange:

 

Friend:

 

"Howdy. How are you? Just wanted to say you have lovely taste in music."

 

Me:

 

"Hi, I appreciate you writing and want to say thanks for your compliment, but I am not interested in conversing with you any further. Please respect my wishes. I will say, however, that you have good taste in friends. C_____ (the ex's real name, but I didn't say how I know her) is a lovely and remarkable woman with a beautiful soul. Good luck with your search and take care.

 

D_____ (my real name)"

[GreenPolicy]

I wrote this to my ex two weeks after we broke up. She ignored it:

 

C________,

 

I just want to say that if you feel like you are truly better off apart than together,then I respect that. You deserved to have your say, and I deserve to have mine.You made a decision that greatly affected both of us without talking it over with me first and letting me know your concerns. And you didn't give me much of a reason as to why. You weren't willing to share your feelings with me and didn't want to fight to save our relationship before throwing in the towel. That HURT.

 

You said that you don't feel like you can love me the way I want to be loved or need to be loved. I don't need to be loved. I just want your love. And throughout the course of our relationship, I know that you did love me. That day in my apartment you told me that you still did. And that being the case, let me worry about what I'm getting versus what I want. If I ever felt like you were neglecting me, I would tell you. You made it out like I was asking more of you than you can give, and that's not the case at all. That hurt as well. You said you didn't want me to go to weddings that I didn't have to go to and didn't want to go to, when I loved being your date, supporting you by your side. That hurt too. I never resented the time I got to spend with you. It was an honor, a privilege and a blessing. You also told me that when I gave you compliments, you didn't feel like that person on the inside. I was expressing gratitude for the love I felt from you and how you made me feel on the inside. I wasn't trying to put you up on a pedestal to fall off of. I said those things because they are true. That day in my apartment I saw you hurting, and as your erstwhile partner, I just want you to know that all I want is to

support you and be there for you. You can tell me anything and I will not judge you or think less of you. It hurts to see you in pain and turn me away.

 

You never came to me with ultimatums about things that needed to change or

ways in which the relationship was not working. If you had I would have done

everything in my power to fix it. You said that after almost a year of dating and plans to make a bigger commitment, you started having feelings that something was wrong and didn't quite feel right. I didn't sense any kind of drifting apart or ways in which you were pulling away. In retrospect I think that we both obviously needed to communicate better. We're both such easygoing, laid-back types that nothing you ever did seemed worth making a big stink about. We never really argued, and looking back we both needed to speak up more about things that bothered us before it was too late.

 

We both professed our love to one another and a desire to marry. What you

said in my apartment sounded a lot like fear. You said you've never been in a

relationship for more than a year, that you always break it off before that. You said this was the best relationship you'd ever been in, and I was everything you wanted in a man. You told me I was different from all the other guys who came before. So it's hard to understand why this relationship has to end in the same way as the others. I know how rare it is to have what we shared together, and it doesn’t come around very often, so I don’t understand why you would be so quick to walk away. I told you that I had made plans to get a holiday job so I could buy a ring. We had gone to the jewelry convention to look at bands. It was starting to become very real, and not just something that we talked about wanting. You were in unchartered territory with a man who was different from all the ones that came before, and I can see how that might be very scary. But it doesn't necessarily mean our relationship was doomed.

 

I'm not in a rush to get married. I don't want to get married just for the sake of being married and not being alone. I just know that I love YOU, and I want YOU in my life. The rest is just details. It didn't have to be all or nothing. We could always tap the brakes and take things slower, and move on to the next step when we were both truly ready. You deserve someone who has your back and appreciates, accepts and loves you for who you are. I am that person.

 

I am writing this because I want you to know how I feel. I believe that our love and everything we built together is worth trying to save, but it takes two people to make that commitment. I would be interested in reconciliation, but that window of opportunity will not be open forever. I have to get on with my life, with or without you. I am open to couples counseling at C______ Chapel, __________, or somewhere else if you prefer. If we went through that process and you still felt the same way afterwards, then we lose nothing and walk away knowing this wasn't meant to be. But we have a potential lifetime of happiness and companionship to gain if we work together to heal this breach. The last year of our lives has been filled with joy and love for both of us, and I don’t understand why that has to come to an end. If this is not something that you are willing to try, then I am afraid we can't remain friends and we can't remain in contact. At a certain point I have to move on. I believe in you and I believe in us. I love you.

[GreenPolicy]

C_________,

 

I'm not trying to intrude. I am not asking for anything, and no action on your part is being requested. You do not have to reply to this. I have to admit that the way things ended between us has weighed heavily on my mind. I have been seeking peace of mind and salvation through much prayer and meditation, and there are some things I need to tell you in order to reach this. I have come to a place of understanding, and I feel like I now understand where you are coming from and why things had to turn out the way that they did. These insights have already helped me. If you are still looking, somewhere deep down, for that same salvation and peace of mind, hopefully what I have to say will help you.

 

God talks to us quietly. Sometimes we don't listen. If he has something to say to us, though, he keeps saying it. He will keep showing us what we need to do differently in our lives until we finally do decide to listen. I know I am guilty of not always listening to Him. I have resolved to be a better listener and make the changes that I need to in my own life. I think this applies to all of us. Love is no antidote for this. There is nothing external, no other person, place or thing that will fix this for us inside. Emotions aren’t like reason. We can hold two or more conflicting ones on the same subject, but if the feelings are strong, they have to be resolved. Sometimes when we get close to another person, we wobble between the pull and magnetic force of love on one hand...and the fear of vulnerability, as well as the need for self-preservation and safety, on the other.

 

You're an amazing person, and I truly believed that I had met the woman I had been looking for my whole life. You motivated me to become the best possible person and Christian I could be, because I wanted to be worthy of you. You put me in touch with the noblest and deepest part of myself and brought out the best in me. It is my sincere hope that I brought out the best in you. There is so much about you, be it your heart, your character, your mind and your soul, that is beautiful and wonderful, and that is what got inside and touched me so deeply. There is so much good inside of you. Despite the way that things ended, in many ways you remain one of the best things that ever happened to me. I learned so much about who I am from you. You showed me things about myself that I did not think were possible. One of the most painful aspects of the breakup is when you told me upon parting "When you give me compliments and show me affection, I don't feel like that person on the inside." I wish you could see yourself the way I saw you, the way your friends and family see you. It is my prayer that in time you will. You are a lovely and remarkable woman, and you do indeed have a beautiful soul. I would not have fallen for you if you didn't. You showed me it is in there inside of you. But it is locked up, a warm and beating heart sealed inside a glass box.

 

We can never truly know what is in the mind and heart of another person. I would never presume to tell you what you were actually thinking and feeling because I am not a mind reader. We can only go by what another tells us, and make a judgment as to whether or not what we see on the surface is what is actually taking place below. From my vantage point, we came together, forged a deep bond and fell in love. I know I did, and you told me many times you did as well. I definitely felt love from you, and THAT was real. At a certain point, because things were going so well, and because we expressed the same shared values and goals in life, we began talking of a long-term future together. Plans and commitments were made and agreed upon. I was not a perfect boyfriend. We spent a year together, so of course there were times when I did not say the right thing, when I got on your nerves, when I did X when you wanted me to do Y. I can accept and own that. We cannot make another person happy 100 percent of the time and meet 100 percent of their needs 100 percent of the time. Overall when I look back, I know I was acting in good faith during our time together and doing my part to create the kind of relationship that I wanted to last, with a person that I loved deeply and cared about.

 

Of course, just as I wasn't perfect, you weren't either. However, nothing you ever did merited a serious conversation and an ultimatum to change. My needs were generally being met and I was happy with you. If you had needs that weren't being met, if there were things I was doing that seriously upset and bothered you, if there were things about our relationship that you did not like, you only had to speak up. I would have walked to the ends of the Earth to make things right. You were worth fighting for, you were worth exhausting every part of myself to be with, and I was never given the opportunity to work with you to save our relationship. There is no stone I would have left unturned to be with you for the long haul. I was ready to give every part of myself over to you and our future together, and you walked away without ever having a heart to heart talk with me. You treated me as if I meant nothing. I cannot even begin to express how much this hurt. The result was that I was broken, lost, hurting and adrift for a very long time. Things are better now, but I am still carrying these wounds inside of me. It is easy enough to accept a relationship's demise when you are X and your partner is looking for Y, when you want X and your partner wants Y, when you're fighting constantly and not getting along and it is no longer enjoyable to be a part of each other's lives. But it is beyond painful and confusing when your partner tells you that she wants the same things in life that you do, tells you she wants those things with you, never communicates any relationship dissatisfaction, and then abruptly cuts you out of her life with no warning and little explanation.

 

When we let people get close to us in a relationship, in a small tiny way we become partially responsible for that other person's well-being and happiness, and that other person deserves to be treated with courtesy, respect and dignity at all times, whatever the outcome, be it staying together or breaking up. I know I didn’t meet that standard myself. One of my biggest regrets is never seeking out your parents to say goodbye and thank them for how well they treated me and welcomed me into all of your lives. At the time I was doing my best to respect your decision and give you the space that you wanted. You and your parents deserved better than that from me, and I’m sincerely sorry.

 

You did not need my permission to end our relationship. You have to do what you believe is best for you, and obviously you felt that ending our relationship was the right course of action. I certainly did not like it or agree with it, but I respected your decision and your boundaries. I am not saying that you were wrong to break up with me, or that you should have stayed with me when your feet were out the door. What I am saying is that I deserved courtesy, respect, kindness and compassion no matter what, and that was lacking from you at the end. I deserved better than that. You're better than that.

 

I hope you are well and find the happiness that you are looking for.

 

D________

[J0N]

This gets me thinking. Even though I too never got any closure, I am reluctant to break NC. It may go well since our breakup was so peaceful, giving me false hope. I honestly don't think I can handle a repeat of the early days of our breakup.

 

Honestly man, I don't think it would be a good idea to break NC. You have a lot to lose. At this point I have decided to start dating new people. I know that me and my ex had some underlying issues that were usually just blindfolded by (you know what).

 

Sometimes when I get lonely or sad about something I will think about her, and it really bums me out. I start going through the scenarios all over again. For now I have accepted the one that seems the most logical to me. I don't really hate my ex anymore, I just don't respect her. She was an immature brat who isn't worthy of somebody like me.

 

Your ex did very similar things to you, led you on, only to pull the plug so suddenly. Honestly man, I think your time can be put to better use with somebody who actually cares about you.

 

The last thing you need to find out is that she was cheating in you for months before you broke up. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

[Sugarkane]

I find it interesting that your therapist told you that. Mine said the exact opposite. To never contact and to continue improving my own life. I've thought about contacting The ex of coarse. But then I thought what if he verbally abuses me again? Will I even get an answer? I think they deserve any angry reaction we have. What did they expect? Of coarse someone is going to be angry when you breakup with them for no reason. With zero closure. Ive only had ONE person tell me to contact and speak my mind. He told me too instead of making myself sick. If you do send it I'm very interested to hear what happens.

[Sugarkane]

I just someone could've told me if I was being cheated on or not. Instead of covering for my ex. I would love to and to my ex: I had to dump someone recently. But I didn't dump them by text and verbally abuse them. Then refuse to give them closure.

[Sugarkane]

I really wish more than anything that one day someone screws these people over. They completely deserve it.

[stunned8165]

I really wish more than anything that one day someone screws these people over. They completely deserve it.

 

 

 

Amen!

 

Merry Xmas

[Philosoraptor]

I would avoid it. Reading your history and the letters it just sounds like this girl hit the end of the honeymoon feelings and was not emotionally mature enough to handle such things. The euphoria went away and things became normal. Sounds like she's ended all of her relationships (less than a year) because the honeymoon ended and she expects euphoria to be constant.

[GreenPolicy]

I would avoid it. Reading your history and the letters it just sounds like this girl hit the end of the honeymoon feelings and was not emotionally mature enough to handle such things. The euphoria went away and things became normal. Sounds like she's ended all of her relationships (less than a year) because the honeymoon ended and she expects euphoria to be constant.

 

Yeah, I decided against it. Whew! I think my T is trying to help me find and purge my anger. I think I can do that without contacting her. Contacting her would make me look pathetic in her eyes. I personally think that the way that she handled things is pathetic and I'm not pathetic. I know that by my silence I communicate indifference and I'm taking the high road and all that. No need to mess that up.

[Philosoraptor]

Yep, be strong. No need to give up all of the progress you have made thus far.

[radiodarcy]

Yeah, I decided against it. Whew! I think my T is trying to help me find and purge my anger. I think I can do that without contacting her. Contacting her would make me look pathetic in her eyes. I personally think that the way that she handled things is pathetic and I'm not pathetic. I know that by my silence I communicate indifference and I'm taking the high road and all that. No need to mess that up.

 

this is very true. i harbored a great deal of anger towards the ex not long after he dumped me.

 

even though i know now that him dumping me was the best thing he could have done for me - - he strung me along for 2.5 years before he finally did it. i could have walked but he was my first love and i just couldn't bring myself to do it.

 

it took me abt 3-4 months to get rid of the anger. but i never once vented towards him - - i wrote letters (that i never sent). and posted countless diatribes against him on LS (thank goodness for the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread ) . and even indulged in a little scream therapy (not through a therapist or anything - - just on my own).

 

i'm actually very proud of the way i handled that angry period. i did not take my anger out on my family and friends. i vented in a healthy way that helped me deal with my feelings in a way that made me feel in control of an emotion that often makes people feel out of control.

 

i know you have a good head on your shoulders, GP. so i'm sure you'll be able to do the same

[RecordProducer]

He said that based on what I was telling him, it really seemed like I was stuck because I swallowed all of my anger, that I never purged it, that I tried to be the bigger person. He said I should strongly consider breaking NC to express my anger to her, not in a mean, punitive "you effing b****" way, but in a dignified, "You really hurt me, and that's not right" way.

I don't see any anger toward her in you. I think your counselor thinks of others what he knows of himself - or his other patients. I read your first three posts very carefully and then skimmed through the fourth one to get a general idea. Your unsent letter is not angry. You're a very peaceful and composed person.

 

I told him that I was extremely reluctant to break NC, that I wanted closure, and that I hoped he could show me how to get it without her participation.

I'll give you the closure: your ex was never in love with you. You had all the qualities she wanted in a man, but the passion and great chemistry weren't there. Not because of anything you did wrong, but it just wasn't there. I've seen douzens of threads describing exactly that, e.g. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t310161/ Please read it.

 

She was trying to persuade herself that you'd make a great husband (which you would) - hence her intense marriage talk and actions toward it. She finally realized she couldn't give you what you wanted and deserved - passion and deep, true love - so she had to let you go and not waste your time anymore, because she couldn't marry you.

 

'You know, I really love that boy.'

Whenever you hear the word "really" it means the opposite is the truth. "Really" is a tool of persuasion - and people who are convinced don't need persuasion. If she were crazy about you, she'd say "Mom, I love him so much!" Also, when we love someone, we call them "him" or "her" - not "that boy." I know this sounds liek slitting hairs, but the psychology behind it reveals that she never had strong, romantic feelings for you. She was simply not the one. That's why you never argued about anything, because she didn't care enough to worry or get angry at you about anything.

 

Furthermore, she didn't care to respond to your final letter and she was genuinely glad to see you: no regrets, no spark, nothing. She only cared to get her bike back. I don't think she realizes how much she hurt you, but letting her know that would only make her feel bad. She didn't deliberately string you along; it sounds like she did try to dream that you were the one and that you would be happy forever. That you were that heaven she longed for. But she finally realized she couldn't bring herself to think of you as more than just a friend and a great guy. And she decided she couldn't build a marriage on deception and self-deception.

 

I hope you have an explanation as your mental closure now. Your emotional closure should be the fact that she left you and you really have no choice but to move on. She is not a missing person. She never truly belonged to you. Don't hate her for that. Be glad that she didn't go ahead and marry you and then, ten years later, cheat or divorce you. She lied to herself, not to you. She "lied"to her mother, as well. And she corrected the deception as soon as she realized it.

 

Why she couldn't find passion... part of the reason is that you're way too nice and that's not always the most attractive thing, although it's desirable. The men who get women to fall in love with them are the ones who know their way around seducing a woman. They appear charming, sweet, confident, fun, and sexy, but in reality they're slippery and unreliable jerks. You can't fake it, you are what you are. You're a nice guy and you need someone like you.

 

It's not true that you're in a limbo: you know you will never be together, you know she is not interested, and she is not giving you any false hope whatsoever. You have your closure big time. Keep your faith in love and keep looking for it - you will find it, I guarantee you.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, I decided against it. Whew! I think my T is trying to help me find and purge my anger. I think I can do that without contacting her. Contacting her would make me look pathetic in her eyes. I personally think that the way that she handled things is pathetic and I'm not pathetic. I know that by my silence I communicate indifference and I'm taking the high road and all that. No need to mess that up.

 

I'm glad you decided against sending it. Sure, write all you want, it's theraputic but sending it is pointless as she won't reply and the letter will be ignored. Not too sure why the therapist is pushing you to send it.. If anything, your T should be encouraging you to make your own closure and not rely on your ex to give that to you, as angry or hurt as you feel, when someone ignores you and has chosen to stick to NC, it's going to make YOU feel worse if you send a letter and it gets ignored again. NC is for you, to heal, to work through everything..

[Sugarkane]

In a way I think these cowards deserve our angry reactions.

[GreenPolicy]

In a way I think these cowards deserve our angry reactions.

 

They do, but it doesn't help US to direct that anger at them. Our energy is better spent focusing on ourselves, moving forward and improving our lives as much as we can. That is our revenge, if you want to think of it in those terms. Easier said than done. I have not followed my own advice as much as I should have. My resolution for 2012 is to finally put this to rest and focus on myself. I look at 2011 as just surviving and I think I did that.

 

A friend of mine was telling me about a three-year relationship she had with a guy that didn't treat her very well. He didn't beat her or anything like that, but she had low self esteem at the time and didn't think she could do any better than this loser, so she stayed with him even though she wasn't happy.

 

Eventually she realized that she needed to leave him and worked up the courage to break it off. But she carried a lot of resentment towards him for all of the ways in which she felt he had mistreated her. So one day she called him ( I think this was before the days of smartphones, facebook, texting) and just really let him have it. Read him the riot act, really just unloaded three years worth of anger, hurt and frustration on him. What she told him wasn't really inaccurate. But she said that after she did it, it did not make her feel better, and that even though this guy hadn't treated her well and nothing she said was false, it did not aid her in the healing process to tell this guy off the way that she did.

[Almond_Joy]

Green,

 

I only read your first post in this thread, none of the letters. I'm a huge advocate of expressing the anger, and agree with most here that breaking NC to express it directly to the person who causes it isn't really any more effective than purging it in other ways. The important thing is to just get it out of your system.

 

I strongly recommend the following thread for this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117844/

 

I wrote some really scathing thins to my ex in this thread and felt so much better afterwards. I din't need to see him at all.

[childishregrets]

I think it sucks that we have to be the ones on LS posting about our guilt or resentment and how we wanted to hear or say sorry.

 

I wanted to break NC about 4 years ago when i felt i was about to get over it but i knew deep down that:

 

(1) I would be forcing myself through a door that was slammed in my face to make a person realise thier mistakes or force them perhaps unwillingly into repentance.

 

(2) Throwing away any little dignity u had left.

 

(3) Giving up what little power u had by breaking NC even though u know deep down its what u really wanted.

 

It aint easy to grab someone by the horns and shake them into saying sorry.If they cant be bothered to come back and explain why then at least u can hold on to knowing that they suck and you rock.

 

And u also risk them saying something crazy like "I remember it was your fault not mine" Can you imagine what that would do to you!

 

For me i think in a way having a situation like this is maybe thier unintentional way of saying **** you come get ur closure its gonna cost YOU anything i did leave you with so give it your best shot.This bit ive had to paste into my closure notepad.txt as i think its just made me realise something new!

Edited December 30, 2011 by childishregrets

[Sugarkane]

[quote=childishregrets;3788173

 

And u also risk them saying something crazy like "I remember it was your fault not mine" Can you imagine what that would do to you!

 

But that is what my ex already said to me.

[Sugarkane]

[quote=childishregrets;3788173

 

And u also risk them saying something crazy like "I remember it was your fault not mine" Can you imagine what that would do to you!

 

But that is what my ex already said to me, when he dumped me.