Do guilty dumpers ever realize/admit their wrongs? if yes how far in the future?

[Magda70]

I am reading all over here about exes who dump dumpees with cruelty, rudeness and without any compassion for the dumpee's feelings.

 

The also use conscious or unconscious defensiveness in order to save themselves or save face which makes things ever worst for the dumpee: besides the obvious "dumping", the dumpees have also to hear that it was their fault or/and that they were awful in the relationship. As a matter of fact, dumpers add insult to injuries.

 

As also defensiveness costs lots of energy, they are supposed to eventually - i do not know how far in the future - free themselves from their armor and admit their flaws...maybe they wont tell you or maybe they will. Maybe they try to get you back or not at that stage...

 

What's your experience about this?

 

I also assume there is a moment when the dumpee stops hoping for the dumper to admit their flaws...I guess it's the moment when you are over them..maybe??

 

Boys, loving is hard...

Edited December 24, 2011 by Magda70

[Rorschach64]

Well...it obviously ranges from person, situation, and other variables. I can tell I haven't heard jack crap from my ex for over 6 months now and she still has my dog tags and laptop.

[stunned8165]

It's obvious mine is full of guilt and denial. There has been some contact recently which I won't go into detail here but she is definately full of guilt. But with the recent contact, I gave her no leeway at all. I stuck to my guns, and was basically just "whatever". Along with a little added guilt trip of what she did to me and the kids. She thinks I can't tell, but her actions prove different. I just shut her down. Let the guilt eat her up. Maybe she WILL wake up for the sake of the kids. She needs to. Or else those kids will end up with an "Empty Love Tank"

[Magda70]

Well, 2 replies and 2 unsuccessful cases...any ex coming back acknowledging having gone through a guilty trip?

 

Mine also is full of guilt. The guiltier he felt, the more upset was with me. He even threatened me of death....but i don't want to go there...

Edited December 24, 2011 by Magda70

[dicky_fish]

I think the reason for the unsuccessful responses rate is because the guilty dumper types will take years to realise what they've done to the extent they'll want to make amends and most of us on here are relatively fresh out of break ups.

 

It's another of those sickeningly awful cliches but; time will tell.

[BoredAgain]

I think the reason for the unsuccessful responses rate is because the guilty dumper types will take years to realise what they've done to the extent they'll want to make amends and most of us on here are relatively fresh out of break ups.

 

It's another of those sickeningly awful cliches but; time will tell.

 

Agreed. When dumpers are really cruel, often it's just because they're immature on some level. Generally they need to grow up before they actually come around to apologize, and gaining maturity can often take months or years or it may never happen.

 

On the other hand, dumpers who are just mildly cruel often don't realize it. For them, it might just take some emotional distance from the situation.

 

So... to answer your question. It could take weeks or months or years or never.

[stunned8165]

The ones that were cold, cruel, cheat and lied deserve to have the guilt eat them up. Feel that it will, keep your head high and keep trucking forward as hard as it is.

[perfectlyflawed459]

I think mine harbors guilt...He tried to reach out twice already with my three month NC period but I have stood my ground. I think it varies from person to person, like if the dumper is distracting themselves with another man or woman then it may take longer. I also think maturity plays a big role in them realizing they did wrong too. But no matter what, it usually takes them a good while to truly realize and admit they were wrong.

[Magda70]

The ones that were cold, cruel, cheat and lied deserve to have the guilt eat them up. Feel that it will, keep your head high and keep trucking forward as hard as it is.

 

with "Feel that it will" do you mean that (you are sure?) guilt will eventually eat them up?

 

it sounds a bit the concept of the karma....I wish things were that simple...sigh...

[Magda70]

But no matter what, it usually takes them a good while to truly realize and admit they were wrong.

 

And when they realize they were wrong, will they come to apologize? Nope!!

[Sugarkane]

They only seem to get it if someone screws them over or if they actually become The dumpee. Still no contact let alone an apology. O just wish someone would screw then over.

[Sugarkane]

Or maybe these people are undiagnosed sociopaths?

[HappyFlower]

When I described my current dumper ex's lies (which he denied, saying instead that he "worded my answers carefully so that I technically wasn't lying to you")to a colleague, she said it sounded borderline sociopathic. LOL!

 

Yeah, I don't expect him to feel guilty, unless perhaps another girl does a similar thing to make him the dumpee. He has problems with feeling emotions (he freely says that). Oh well, someone else can deal with him

[shayla]

My ex has no remorse, no conscience, no nothing. The only pain he ever feels is his own, no one elses matters.

 

My only hope is that some day he will feel the pain I've suffered at the hands of someone else.

[fucpcg]

Every ex that ever dumped me eventually went on to contact me and apologize. The longest.... 13 years after dumping me, and then finding me on facebook. We are very close again now, her and I. When you truly fall in love with someone, thos feelings stay with you for the rest of your life. Not that I still love her, but she is still very special to me. If she didn't live about 1000 miles from me, I think in a month we would have been right back where we left off.

[lilyblue]

Well I guess I've got one of the first "success" stories in this thread. I was disappeared on after a 2 year relationship. He had moved across the country 6 months prior to this, and had just been back to visit. When he went back home I never heard from him again. He had been really "busy" during the last couple days he was here and didn't make much time to see me. I didn't try to reach out to him, it wasn't the best relationship and I thought I was probably doing myself a favor in the long run. It ate me up the entire time though.

 

6 months later he texted me and said he was outside my door and wondered if he could come over and apologize. I hesitated for a couple of hours and then said ok. He came right back over and apologized for hours. He was a very defensive individual in general but was completely undefensive and admitted the whole thing was his fault, he messed up, it was all his head, etc etc. He said he had thought about it every day and every day felt like he should apologize, but it became so long that he didn't know what to do about it. He said he had driven past my house every day since he had been in town trying to work up enough courage to talk to me. He left saying it was up to me if I wanted to stay in contact and he understood if I didn't.

 

I felt an enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders and actually after yearning for him to contact me for all those months, felt no need to contact him after that. He emailed me a couple months later just saying hi and asking if it was ok that he email me. I said sure, and at this point we are good friends and talk almost every day. He just called in the middle of me writing this in fact.

 

So I guess it does happen sometimes. And this is a guy I really would have never expected to come back around or care. He has emotional intimacy problems, is defensive as I mentioned, and is really black and white about things.

 

My current ex is a much more grounded person I feel, so I hope someday he can figure out how to make things right as well.

[rob_h]

The ones that were cold, cruel, cheat and lied deserve to have the guilt eat them up. Feel that it will, keep your head high and keep trucking forward as hard as it is.

 

Well said I hope the guilt of what my wife did to me two months ago is eating her from the inside out, although right now I guess she is arm in arm with the guy I found her in my bed with after 10 years of marriage and unconditional love from me, enjoying their Christmas while I feel like I'm rotting. But she would have to think about me to feel any guilt and she certainly isn't doing that. Saying that when they had an affair 2 years ago I took her back without a thought so I guess I'm just a walkover, maybe too nice while this arsehole reminds her of when we had no responsibilities. I just with they were not living 300 miles away and engaged, how pathetic she left her husband not even 2 months ago, remains married and is engaged, kids playing at life, I grew up she didn't and blames her failures on me rant rant rant rant rant

[stunned8165]

Well said I hope the guilt of what my wife did to me two months ago is eating her from the inside out, although right now I guess she is arm in arm with the guy I found her in my bed with after 10 years of marriage and unconditional love from me, enjoying their Christmas while I feel like I'm rotting. But she would have to think about me to feel any guilt and she certainly isn't doing that. Saying that when they had an affair 2 years ago I took her back without a thought so I guess I'm just a walkover, maybe too nice while this arsehole reminds her of when we had no responsibilities. I just with they were not living 300 miles away and engaged, how pathetic she left her husband not even 2 months ago, remains married and is engaged, kids playing at life, I grew up she didn't and blames her failures on me rant rant rant rant rant

 

If it was only two months ago, it hasn't hit her yet I would venture to say. But I doubt she's 100% guilt free.

[Sugarkane]

My ex has no remorse, no conscience, no nothing. The only pain he ever feels is his own, no one elses matters.

 

My only hope is that some day he will feel the pain I've suffered at the hands of someone else.

 

I second that. Shayla everything you write, is exactly The same in my case. I have zero empathy if my ex gets screwed over. It couldn't happen to a more deserving person. I'm pretty sure there's something mentally wrong with these people. My cousins ex left him out if blue, on his 21 birthday. No answers, no nothing. Just completely cut him off. More than a decade later his ex had never even contacted him, let alone givin an apology for such bizarre behavior.

[Sugarkane]

And there was no fighting and my cousin always treated her good. Never makes any sense to me.

[daisydukes]

Ya,right:rolleyes: Not in my case that is for sure. I found out my ex was cheating and he spun it around and said I told you weeks ago we should break up and see other people. Funny because two days before that he was making out with me and saying how much he wanted to marry me. I imagine if my friend had never saw him and his new woman and taken that photo and sent it to me I would be strung along and would of been the other woman. He never wanted to admit he lied and said yes I cheated on you and yes I should of told you weeks ago I was seeing someone else no he didn't play that game instead he spun it around and said I told you I wanted to see other people weeks ago and make him look like he was innocent. I even told him how he broke my heart did he care? Ya,right:mad:

[Magda70]

I think mine harbors guilt...He tried to reach out twice already with my three month NC period

 

Do you have reasons to believe he tried to contact you out of guilt or even to apologize?

 

Not to let you down, you know him really well but maybe he tried to contact you to have his toothbrush back...just as a stupid example. :-)))

[perfectlyflawed459]

Do you have reasons to believe he tried to contact you out of guilt or even to apologize?

 

Not to let you down, you know him really well but maybe he tried to contact you to have his toothbrush back...just as a stupid example. :-)))

 

Nah it wasn't to get stuff back or anything. Last time I talked to him and told him I wanted him out of my life pretty much, he broke down and told me everything that has happened is all his fault and that he is an *********. Six weeks later, we are both at a party and he ditches his new girlfriend to try and talk to me. A week after that he tells my mom something is missing in his life. So he did break NC. I mean I just have a hunch he feels guilt, but until he is pretty much on his knees admitting his mistakes, I will keep up NC and move forward because at the end of the day, he is still with that new girl.

[Magda70]

Six weeks later, we are both at a party and he ditches his new girlfriend to try and talk to me. A week after that he tells my mom something is missing in his life. So he did break NC. I mean I just have a hunch he feels guilt,...

 

With all respect, to me he is just trying to keep the doors open with you just in case things do not go well with the other girl.

 

It seems one of the common symptoms of the GIGS as LS user wilson describes in his post, if I remember correctly...

[perfectlyflawed459]

With all respect, to me he is just trying to keep the doors open with you just in case things do not go well with the other girl.

 

It seems one of the common symptoms of the GIGS as LS user wilson describes in his post, if I remember correctly...

 

Meh I really am not thinking too much about it. It could be GIGS, but at this point who really cares. I am not thinking about it as a good or bad thing, it is just something that happened. Haha I will admit though, it did make me feel a little good deep down ;P I stood my ground and ignored him on both occassions, so I didn't fall into his "trap" or anything. He knows what he did was wrong and everyone, even his parents, can see he made a huge mistake. I am sure deep down, one day, it will bite him in the butt. But whatever happens happens, right now it is about me and healing from all this. I want to make sure, if he does come around again, that my life is going absolutely wonderful and that I am strong again.