The realization that others are in pain

[ScienceGal]

Of course others are in pain. There are millions of people on the planet right now without food and clean water. But, that's not what I am talking about. I'm talking about the other pain, the one that we selfishly call the

'worst pain of all'. The reason we're all here on LS (despite being fortunate enough to have a home and a job) claiming our lives are over. Oh, the broken heart... that pain. The one that has us in bed with the covers over our heads, or in the bar chugging some liquid mind eraser. The one that leaves us feeling not just broken, but completely alone.

 

I went to bed late last night... er, early this morning so that I could sleep in as late as possible today. I didn't want to wake up early and alone on Christmas. Thoughts about all of the happy people, couples and families wasn't something I wanted to think about. I didn't want to ackowledge that joy is not going to happen for me today, or any day for a long time.

 

Well, at least my cats seem happy I'm here. I suppose I feel more ego-bruised like Rudolph than some forgotten toy from last year that will never be touched again.

 

I ate my cheerios and got my cup of tea and settled into the computer chair. No tears today, I hope. I logged into FB and was flooded with photos of other's people's Christmas breakfasts, gift openings, smiles. I scrolled down through lines upon lines of Holiday cheer, and there it was: "Sarah is in a relationship with Tom". I don't know either of these people very well. I know Sarah from high school, and that she was with a man (not Tom) for years. Last I knew she was engaged to this other man and they were building a home together. Over the summer someone tried to set me up with Tom, but I wasn't interested. (I'm still not interested). What struck me about this post is that Tom was still not over his ex wife when I met him and that Sarah was in love and ready to marry another man just months ago. But now, her and Tom are suddenly professing their love for one another as though they have something to prove. And they do of course, to themselves.

 

So here are two people who are most likely not in love with one another, but are using each other as a crutch. And they're not alone. A friend of mine left his girlfriend of 5+ years because he was not in love with her the same way that she was in love with him. She wanted marriage and kids, and he realized he was wasting her time. Less that 2 months later, she is also "in a relationship" and apparently loving life. Bullsh*t.

 

These people, and others, are hurting. They're crying and hiding just like me. But, what they're doing that I am not, is lying to themselves. I might be flailing around and trying to regain my footing, but I can't fall in love with someone today, or tomorrow, or even next week... no matter how much I want to. (Side note: now I am singing 'Can't Hurry Love' by The Supremes). The point is, to these people, putting on the brave face and making a blatantly artificial move forward is the only path they know, or it's at least the easiest. That's their coping mechanism for pain. My ex is the same way. It makes more sense now to see it happening to others.

 

So, the reality of being alone today isn't looking too bad actually. Curling up with my books and movies is much more inviting than the idea of holding someone I am not truly in love with, and smiling with them for photos that will make it all look real. I want it to be real, without photos and social media flaunting. So, I'll sit this one out. And, I know I am not alone.

 

Merry Christmas LSers.

Edited December 25, 2011 by ScienceGal

[choppedkittens]

Yeah, A LOT of people do this. I've never understood the mentality. They're in one relationship in which they're "so in love", end it, and are "so in love" with somebody else in a few months. I wouldn't say these people are unhappy. I think they just have lower standards for what they need in a partner/relationship.

[esteem-jam]

I deleted my account today on social network X. Seeing my former classmates and knowing my life does not compare to theirs... hell. I did not want to turn passive aggressive (it was going that way) with spontaneous posts on my wall.

 

And if I see a nice girl, one of the things I wonder "did she break anyones heart?" How would it feel if she broke mine some time in future? Or it was her heart that was broken? I think its two types of people on this world, you know what Im talking about.

[Rimer]

Great post

[childishregrets]

I deleted my account today on social network X. Seeing my former classmates and knowing my life does not compare to theirs... hell. I did not want to turn passive aggressive (it was going that way) with spontaneous posts on my wall.

 

And if I see a nice girl, one of the things I wonder "did she break anyones heart?" How would it feel if she broke mine some time in future? Or it was her heart that was broken? I think its two types of people on this world, you know what Im talking about.

 

I struggle with this daily not knowing if i really know who i am dating or getting into a relationship with.

 

Everyone thinks my ex was an angel and i was the bad person yet really that was just her way of making herself accept that she was not really the inhumane person that she actually was all that time.

 

I thought i knew her until we split up and i saw a different side, i saw the true monster inside and now i wonder and im scared of it happening again.

 

People tend to hide things they are ashamed of yet im proud to admit what ive done and how i have learned from it.Others just keep using and abusing so i very much agree there are two kind of people in this world.

 

And sadly its bad people who seem to win.

[Philosoraptor]

That was a very informative post. So many people rebound together without knowing that the other is still longing for their lost.

 

But even more amazing than this post is that you can sing and type at the same time. I've been trying and failing at doing so. I just type what I say or stop singing to type.

[ScienceGal]

Yeah, A LOT of people do this. I've never understood the mentality. They're in one relationship in which they're "so in love", end it, and are "so in love" with somebody else in a few months. I wouldn't say these people are unhappy. I think they just have lower standards for what they need in a partner/relationship.

 

The rush of a new relationship, or even the prospects of one, is an amazing feeling. It's a high like no other. I believe people grab it and run with it because they want their fix, they're itching for it. And, they're looking for anything to soothe the pain they're feeling. I would imagine after a while they realize the cumulative damage being done, or at least that this relationship-jumping method is not working in finding long-term happiness.

 

It's tough. I met someone a couple weeks back. I don't think I am interested, but I'm considering spending more time with him. I'm fairly certain he is interested. So, that's what I am thinking about. The hope, the possible happiness. My crazy mind wants love. My ego is trying to bust through too, and wants admiration and to be doted on. I just want hugs and kisses and laughter

 

I deleted my account today on social network X. Seeing my former classmates and knowing my life does not compare to theirs... hell. I did not want to turn passive aggressive (it was going that way) with spontaneous posts on my wall.

 

And if I see a nice girl, one of the things I wonder "did she break anyones heart?" How would it feel if she broke mine some time in future? Or it was her heart that was broken? I think its two types of people on this world, you know what Im talking about.

 

I've been heart broken and the heart breaker. The difference is someone that holds themself accountable. When I was younger, I did not do this. Now, I'm honest, straight-forward and loving. Above all, I am less self-centered and selfish. I do my best to cause no harm, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. And it doesn't mean I won't get hurt.

 

Make a list of necessary qualities in a "nice girl" and a list of deal breakers. And then be strict and honest with yourself when you meet someone new.

 

I struggle with this daily not knowing if i really know who i am dating or getting into a relationship with.

 

Everyone thinks my ex was an angel and i was the bad person yet really that was just her way of making herself accept that she was not really the inhumane person that she actually was all that time.

 

I thought i knew her until we split up and i saw a different side, i saw the true monster inside and now i wonder and im scared of it happening again.

 

People tend to hide things they are ashamed of yet im proud to admit what ive done and how i have learned from it.Others just keep using and abusing so i very much agree there are two kind of people in this world.

 

And sadly its bad people who seem to win.

 

My ex is an ego maniac. He is popular in the community and everyone sees him as successful. Truth is, he is insecure and broke. I loved him anyway, and offered ideas and help on how to improve his business. He didn't want to hear any advice from me, and truth be told I think I got a little too close for his liking. Some people can't be helped. Bad people don't win because they never find true peace or happiness.

 

That was a very informative post. So many people rebound together without knowing that the other is still longing for their lost.

 

But even more amazing than this post is that you can sing and type at the same time. I've been trying and failing at doing so. I just type what I say or stop singing to type.

 

I was patting my head and rubbing my stomach too!

[choppedkittens]

The rush of a new relationship, or even the prospects of one, is an amazing feeling. It's a high like no other. I believe people grab it and run with it because they want their fix, they're itching for it. And, they're looking for anything to soothe the pain they're feeling. I would imagine after a while they realize the cumulative damage being done, or at least that this relationship-jumping method is not working in finding long-term happiness.

 

 

I would like to believe these 'in love with love' people learn from their mistakes but I think a lot of them don't. I think they truly do believe they're madly in love with whomever they're dating at the time. Their feelings may run shallow, but since they usually haven't experienced something deeper, they may not feel the pain of what's missing. They're content in their ignorance.

[Almond_Joy]

Interesting. I just finished a post mentioning that I'm still holding onto memories of my ex, though I'm in a relationship with someone new.

 

I used to be of the mind that if you're not over someone you shouldn't be with anyone. But between two mature adults, is it really so terrible? Is it really so stupid and awful to meet someone and say "You know, I can see a future with you, even though I'm not in a position to fall in love right now," and make that journey to recovery with someone by your side?

 

I'm in a new relationship, but I'm not professing to be ready to love right now. And I think that's okay, because eventually I AM going to be okay. I know that, and the person I'm with knows that. If you both go into the relationship with this knowledge, and you truly believe the person's worth it, then I think it's better to take the chance of making it a go than risk not taking the chance at all.

 

 

I'd be interested to hear some other perspectives on this.

[sleepykitten]

Thank you Sceincegal for your post-it made me have a few tears because its so true and strong and inspiring and has helped me enormously today. x

[wilsonx]

Interesting. I just finished a post mentioning that I'm still holding onto memories of my ex, though I'm in a relationship with someone new.

 

I used to be of the mind that if you're not over someone you shouldn't be with anyone. But between two mature adults, is it really so terrible? Is it really so stupid and awful to meet someone and say "You know, I can see a future with you, even though I'm not in a position to fall in love right now," and make that journey to recovery with someone by your side?

 

I'm in a new relationship, but I'm not professing to be ready to love right now. And I think that's okay, because eventually I AM going to be okay. I know that, and the person I'm with knows that. If you both go into the relationship with this knowledge, and you truly believe the person's worth it, then I think it's better to take the chance of making it a go than risk not taking the chance at all.

 

 

I'd be interested to hear some other perspectives on this.

 

I have 2 married couple friends that went into a relationship like this, both of them, both were honest with each other.

 

I do remember my best friend almost screwing it up and walking away and getting dumped at a point but hes happily married with 2 kids now.

 

You mentioned some key things in this thread honesty and truth.

 

This is something that is missing in a lot of rebound relationships. People are dishonest with themselves.

 

I was talking to my ex the other day and she told me that the other guy asked her if he was a rebound. She told me that she told him no.

 

I actually laughed internally when my ex was telling me this, it put a smile on my heart. Your ex telling you her loves deepest insecurities. Gotta love that.

[Magda70]

If you both go into the relationship with this knowledge, and you truly believe the person's worth it, then I think it's better to take the chance of making it a go than risk not taking the chance at all.

 

Yes I also wanted to reply with a post on your line but you have already expressed it better of what I could have done myself.

 

Yes, my new bf once even caught me browsing and reading LS posts and asked what was it all about. I told him. I said I have still this emotional burden I am trying to get rid of and that he is helping like crazy.

 

He replied "let me be your medicine!" and kissed me...:-)))

 

I hope one day I will forget checking my ex facebook posts (I have unfriended him and all of his network when we split but I can still see something) because on the other end, I do not know where I would be/what I would be doing or even if i were still alive without my new bf.

 

Good forgetting to everyone...

Edited December 27, 2011 by Magda70

[ScienceGal]

Interesting. I just finished a post mentioning that I'm still holding onto memories of my ex, though I'm in a relationship with someone new.

 

I used to be of the mind that if you're not over someone you shouldn't be with anyone. But between two mature adults, is it really so terrible? Is it really so stupid and awful to meet someone and say "You know, I can see a future with you, even though I'm not in a position to fall in love right now," and make that journey to recovery with someone by your side?

 

I'm in a new relationship, but I'm not professing to be ready to love right now. And I think that's okay, because eventually I AM going to be okay. I know that, and the person I'm with knows that. If you both go into the relationship with this knowledge, and you truly believe the person's worth it, then I think it's better to take the chance of making it a go than risk not taking the chance at all.

 

I'd be interested to hear some other perspectives on this.

 

Nice to see you on here again, Almond Joy,

 

I think about this issue often and I agree with you, healing can be done with someone by your side. I tried to do that with the last guy I dated. Even though we didn't work as a couple, once my bruised ego healed, I realized I am not hurting any more than I was before I dated him. I made an honest effort with a decent man and it ended respectfully.

 

When determining whether you're ready to date again, one should take care not stack hurt upon hurt or dig themself deeper into an emotional ditch. It's crucial to ask yourself some questions such as: do I still hope for reconciliation with my ex, do I need a relationship, will I latch on to the first person I meet because I am attention/love starved? It's important to be in a healthy place, and I don't think that's always easy for someone to identify, myself included.

 

I am happy that you're in a new relationship. It seems like you're being open and honest, and that's great. I hope things continue to go well for you

[TheJiltedGeneration]

The point is, to these people, putting on the brave face and making a blatantly artificial move forward is the only path they know, or it's at least the easiest. That's their coping mechanism for pain. My ex is the same way. It makes more sense now to see it happening to others.

 

99.999999999999% of what you said was right on the money.. just a shame that with my ex she has a few emotional incapacities to really feel any personal conflictions with her choices and ultimately her entire living rhetoric (ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!). thought she is like the 0.000000000001% of people out there I guess ( won't go into why.. ).

 

but yea this does ring true about another friend I guess who kind of latches on any guy she can find in hope to not be alone in the world.. what's scary though is that she does'nt seem to form a proper attachment to any people (seems to growout of that person with pep in her stride then move on). So not sure what that's all about...

 

All I'll say though is that I've definately put my foot down with the rest of you guys and have not contacted my ex with any messages of Merry Christmas or any form of white flag ( her birthday is around the corner so if I can't cope by then unfortunately you'll be seeing me T_T...) .

 

worst time to do it but while I know I ain't been on much in the mean while, been trying to exercise ALOT more now and improve my diet ( been doing it for nearly 3 weeks now) and generally feeling a lot better. Today feel alittle distracted via emotions but yea hopefully if I keep this up I might be able to actually glide into keeping a few new year resolutions....

 

It's still quite tough though, still not recovered yet at all but at least I've acknolwedged it's over and THIS time not making any attempts to patch things up...

 

Once I've perfected myself to a point of self-solidarity then maybe I'll be able to get through this rough patch quicker than I think...

 

hope you all had a nice christmas ( happy holidays ) one hurdle down guys just got NYE and NYD to plow through. Got to keep wading against the waves

....

[wilsonx]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScienceGal

The point is, to these people, putting on the brave face and making a blatantly artificial move forward is the only path they know, or it's at least the easiest. That's their coping mechanism for pain. My ex is the same way. It makes more sense now to see it happening to others.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

One of my favorite sayings that I learned from this board is from homebrew. Hes says "Pain is life's greatest teacher".

 

One of the things I am trying to get people to understand is that, this is just a phase in people's life. The egomaniac phase. If you look at some of my posts, I was there, covering up the pain, blaming the other person for my hurt, lying to myself. If you really really look outside the box, everyone on this forum does this, including you Sciencegal. Its ok, its actually slightly humorous if you are able to look and do this internal self reflection and see this.

 

We call other people selfish but in doing so we are the selfish ones. We are unable to put ourselves in their shoes and understand why they do the things they do. We immediately label them something that we would not like ourselves labeled as.

 

We are a reflection of who we date and who we surround ourselves with. So if we constantly blame a person for the hurt they caused us, we must realize that that hurt is ours, not theirs and its a reflection of who we are.

[CopingGal]

I would say that at least some people jump from relationship to relationship because their feelings are shallow. They don't know what love is. They declare their love over and over again, but have no idea what it really means to love someone.

[ScienceGal]

One of my favorite sayings that I learned from this board is from homebrew. Hes says "Pain is life's greatest teacher".

 

One of the things I am trying to get people to understand is that, this is just a phase in people's life. The egomaniac phase. If you look at some of my posts, I was there, covering up the pain, blaming the other person for my hurt, lying to myself. If you really really look outside the box, everyone on this forum does this, including you Sciencegal. Its ok, its actually slightly humorous if you are able to look and do this internal self reflection and see this.

 

We call other people selfish but in doing so we are the selfish ones. We are unable to put ourselves in their shoes and understand why they do the things they do. We immediately label them something that we would not like ourselves labeled as.

 

We are a reflection of who we date and who we surround ourselves with. So if we constantly blame a person for the hurt they caused us, we must realize that that hurt is ours, not theirs and its a reflection of who we are.

 

Wilson,

 

I agree and disagree with you.

 

I agree that the majority of people are egomaniacs, I disagree that it is always a "phase". Some people will be controlled by their egos their entire lives. It takes humbleness, specifically humility, to control the ego. I know people, friends even, that are too proud to kneel down.

 

In terms of blame, I blame myself more than anyone else. I have written about the locus of control in other threads. Those with an internal one (like me), believe that the majority of things that happen in their life are directly influenced by their own choices and actions. Those with an external locus of control constantly blame others and outside forces for their troubles. And people can flip flop too (courtesy of the ego). A good example of that is, if you take a course and the grade is an A, you might say "I got an A!!!" But, if the grade is an F, you might be inclined to say "That lousy teacher gave me an F!!". No one is perfect, but it's worth it to try and be aware as often as possible.

 

And as far as putting myself in their shoes, I do that all the time. I actually use it as a means of breaking down problems and finding resolution (also because I am a master compromiser). My ex hated that. He didn't want me to presume to know how he was feeling, but he also wouldn't explain how he felt... so it was lose/lose for me. I have learned to throw my proverbial hands in the air and say "I have done all that I can and I cannot control this situation". That is how I will leave any future relationship that doesn't work out. No more fighting, no more finger pointing, no more anger (at least that I will show him). I'll simply state my case and remove myself from the situation. I did that with the last guy I dated and I will do it again if I have to. The art of letting go. I'm proud of myself.

 

If ex new guy calls in the future, I will have to deal with it then. I'm not waiting or thinking about it now. Am I sad he's gone? Yes. But, he didn't want to stay and there was nothing I could do to make him. He's gone. I was angry with him at first, but I pushed through that and accepted that he had done nothing wrong. Just because his honesty wasn't what I wanted to hear doesn't mean he is wrong or evil. And, I can actually walk away easier since the respect we have for each other wasn't torn to shreds.

 

Synonyms: "It's ok if he doesn't love me", "It's ok if he doesn't love me in a way I understand"... I'm leaving either way.

[wilsonx]

I agree with you SG, you are more mature then most people on this board. Next time use your super powers of putting yourself in someone elses shoes and if they dont like it, walk away in your own shoes. Show them pain

 

I was an egocentric assclown for 29 years. Immune to the world, didnt care, guess what happened. I got hurt bad. Really bad, 7 months later, I realize the consequences of all my actions. I no longer think black and white. I see that my actions hurt people, friends family and loved ones.

 

At the same time, pain is life's greatest teacher, your ex will get hurt, you will get an apology, trust me on this

 

=) Keep your chin up

[freestyle]

I guess that's one silver lining to pain---

It can teach us to be more empathetic.

[ScienceGal]

I agree with you SG, you are more mature then most people on this board. Next time use your super powers of putting yourself in someone elses shoes and if they dont like it, walk away in your own shoes. Show them pain

 

I was an egocentric assclown for 29 years. Immune to the world, didnt care, guess what happened. I got hurt bad. Really bad, 7 months later, I realize the consequences of all my actions. I no longer think black and white. I see that my actions hurt people, friends family and loved ones.

 

At the same time, pain is life's greatest teacher, your ex will get hurt, you will get an apology, trust me on this

 

=) Keep your chin up

 

Thanks, Wilson. We are all works in progress.

 

I don't expect an apology, since I think his big "hurt" was before me. He blames her still and harbours a great amount of anger. He gives up easily on relationships now because he doesn't want that pain again. I don't have many details about her or what happened, and it doesn't matter. If I entertain the thought of "everything happens for a reason", I can list several positive things in my life that were a direct result of me meeting and being with him. I'm glad it happened, and I'm glad it ended.

 

We'll see how well my super powers work when I get into a situation where the feelings run deep again. I nose-dived with the ex. The last guy, well... that was a practice run, we weren't heavily involved. I wonder how clearly things will appear when I am in "love". All I can prepare with is honesty, patience, and levelheadedness. And advice from people on here

[radiodarcy]

thanks for the post ScienceGal. i needed to see this. i'm pretty much over my ex. but i'm introverted and it's not easy for me to meet people. which makes me feel lonely and isolated at times.

 

and going on facebook and seeing pictures of my friends posing for happy pictures as they frolic on sandy beaches with their significant others does nothing to help.

[Almond_Joy]

Nice to see you on here again, Almond Joy,

 

I think about this issue often and I agree with you, healing can be done with someone by your side. I tried to do that with the last guy I dated. Even though we didn't work as a couple, once my bruised ego healed, I realized I am not hurting any more than I was before I dated him. I made an honest effort with a decent man and it ended respectfully.

 

When determining whether you're ready to date again, one should take care not stack hurt upon hurt or dig themself deeper into an emotional ditch. It's crucial to ask yourself some questions such as: do I still hope for reconciliation with my ex, do I need a relationship, will I latch on to the first person I meet because I am attention/love starved? It's important to be in a healthy place, and I don't think that's always easy for someone to identify, myself included.

 

I am happy that you're in a new relationship. It seems like you're being open and honest, and that's great. I hope things continue to go well for you

 

Thanks ScienceGal. It's good to come back! And I'm glad to hear that your Christmas was enlightening and comfortable .

 

 

I agree that determining with certainty whether you're in a strong enough position to tackle a new relationship is a hard call to make, for anyone recovering. I wasn't sure if I was ready, but I have a tendency to doubt myself too much, and underestimate my capabilities. I'm glad I took the risk.

Edited December 28, 2011 by Almond_Joy