I have this sick need to see her suffer like i have

[childishregrets]

Its something im not proud of but i have observed this feeling thats been hidden under the wanting to have contact and wanting to vent anger and make my ex understand how much pain she caused me in life and how she has been a coward and never paid her dues in life.Its sometimes hard to be honest with yourself but i would like to know why i need such a thing as revenge.I thought i had become bulletproof after the breakup as i really cant imagine a single thing apart from cheating that could hurt me now.The truth is while this may work for the future it does not work for the present as i very much still feel trapped by being the only person who knows the real truth behind what happened between us.Who would believe such cute innocent looking girl could cause so much pain right?

 

 

My ex was cold when i first met her,she messed me about with other ex's and left me alone in a bar at closing time on our first date for an old ex she told me she never loved.I fought with not one but two ex's while dating her within the first month and had about two other men i also had to fight off.One of the first questions i asked her was how many guys she had been with.she told me three to which i never spoke and i informed her i was a virgin.I was dissapointed as i knew her 3 previous ex's who are all the usual jack the lads with the ladies.

 

 

A few days later she informed me that she was mistaken as she thought i meant boyfriends and that she was a virgin.Maybe she was but she was certainly no stranger to getting naked and did not seem like much of a virgin to me.I sensed lies in it and everytime we fought over this she would scream and get mad and i would have to suffer for asking about something i was confused and hurt about.She knew certain things and patterns about foreplay or first time sex that can only come from experience.I remember going to the toilet to recoup after not being able to get an erection as i was under pressure for my first time and she told me that it would not work and i would need to wait.Trust me she said ill never forget those words.Perhaps that happened with an ex and they never had sex due to that?A small chance but she would not even come clean about it.I remember being in her sisters and they asked her who her first partner was and she would not answer them to say im a virgin.Why would a girl be ashamed aged 16 to say she is a virgin in front of her now virgin boyfriend... And then there is post breakup when she found out i had told my friends who were her class mates in school that she was a virgin when we met to which they all laughed and told me to get a grip of myself.When she found out i had disclosed this she was FURIOUS.Thats the kind of bullcrap issues i had running around in my mind for the first 6 months of our relationship and never got any truth about it.

 

 

Physical abuse? Manipulation? Isolating social groups due to emotional blackmail? I had it all done on me until i turned into the same cold heartless she was to me.I got my arms scratched so much i could not wear a T-shirt.I was out of order i can admit that now but what do you expect when there is nothing but substance abuse to mask the hurt i cant ever express about how i felt i was wronged.She never ever properly talked about it or said sorry or what the truth was about her past.If i tried to confront issues she would run off and cry in the toilet.

 

 

 

 

 

After 3 years of loving her and by then she loved me i hope that things really started to go downhill when we shared the same higher education course, we always fought i had so much resentment towards her for the start of the relationship.then she told me she wanted some space... To which i said no it was either all or nothing.

 

 

A month later i got my answer when i told her i was going to rejoin a social group i had left for her and to which i had been a member for most of my life.I rang her one night to ask where she was ( controlling and jealousy ) for her to tell me to ring her at home.After i rang her mum told me she was not in so i rang her back and told her her mother said she was not in,She told me she was in the bath and was coming out now and i was to ring again and i did and her mother told me the same thing.I rang her back and confronted her and she told me that her mum was stupid and she was coming down the stairs now and i needed to ring again.After this her mother flipped at me and told me that she did not know what games we were playing but that i should stop calling and that she was NOT in. I told her after that we are finnished and she hung up on me.She has NEVER to date explained the reasons behind this madness.

 

 

2 weeks passed without a single call from her or a sorry and then i met this girl whom i kissed and for the first time i felt warm and loved and i felt terrible so i rang her and told her that we had kissed and she burst into tears and told me that she hated me and that she also had offers from a friend of ours and she would now be accepting this offer

 

 

I was cast aside like nothing, manipulated by a phone call into dumping her which for a long long time i grappled with.I used to blame myself for dumping her yet its clear to see that she clearly asked for the "space apart" before this due to this other guy, did she cheat on me? She was keeping it from me all that time and never had the guts to tell me or dump me she waited until i made a mistake so she could take the moral high ground and punish me.And boy she did.... i could not even get my things or meet her as she was with him all the time, they moved in after a month of dating and i never got a single call back.I got a meeting with her once where we had the usual breakup sex but i found out after that 2 hours later she was out with that guy dancing in the local bar in front of my best mate who watched the whole thing.This is her now husband that she did this too which shows the respect she will show people that are new in her life.I mean at least shower before snogging thier face off right? Nope if i thought that i married someone who did that to me on our first date i would be so dissapointed in her i would seriously considering parting ways.this is what her new man married though! I get a little satisfaction knowing that i might of dodged that bullet!

 

 

 

She refused friendship told me she hated me and every attempt i made and pleading and whining to start fresh was met with laughter, being hung up on or being told that she hated me.Her new guy called me and accused me of calling her drunk and being verbally abusive once when i was not drunk! maybe just a little abusive but what can you expect in a breakdown? It got so bad i collapsed mid phone call to her in tears and she asked me what was wrong and i told her that she had ruined me and i was unwell and she told me i was a liar and hung up.I think she still thinks to this day im fine and she never done anything wrong.

 

I could not even get a second chance and the best thing is this new guy is a father already! Thats how messed up i was, im valued less than someone new with baggage like a kid? I had to try to fight him off yet was unable to actually go to meet her.When i did try she would dissapear or refuse to answer the calls.I even Made the mistake of calling her at work and was called M, her new guys name! i told her this and all she could say was awww im sorry thats not right! SURE its not right ive been there 3 years and now this guy has replaced me and its not even been a month!

 

And why is it me getting the second chance for filling in the middle? Surely the **** at the start and what she did at the end was 100x times worse, even her own family told her it was cruel replacing me so quick.All i ever wanted was to say sorry and move on and either have a proper relationship or breakup but remain friends and work on fixing and explaining the pain that was caused by both parties.This is why i wanted friendship and yet she has has not only refused it but taken it and thrown it in a bin and laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its been 7 years and i still feel raw anger for not getting that call that says hey its me again i needed to explain why i acted like that and say im truely sorry i hurt you like that.This is the way i feel except for me words are not enough only friendship or a long face to face talk would satisfy my heart.

 

She beat me down so bad that its hard to even reach out to do it for myself as i was rejected so badly and she has never once called me or spoken to me since that day.She got married recently and had a baby so i would of thought she would of needed to deal with that guilt someday before she settled down as she never dealt with it any other time and she rebounded and avoided all that pain and the learning process that comes from months of post breakup reflection and soul searching.

 

Me on the other hand? I have never loved anyone since.I have been in so much pain and felt so much anger and emptyness i have lost belief in karma and the very little i had in god.One of the pain things i struggle with is this...

 

If i had not valued honesty and never told her about a stupid kiss i shared with someone...which had i not told her she would never in a million years of found out about. Would she still of turned around and went into the arms of her rebound for the revenge? What kind of moral lesson has a so called god sent me? Lie and get her back or be honest and lose her and suffer her revenge.Nice choice! I know i should not of kissed someone else but i was weak, and she was SUPER HOT and flirting and we had crazy eye contact.I regret it now as i should of had the respect to grieve on my own without using her to heal me.

 

Sorry for my probably incoherant ramblings but i very much needed to get this off my chest today to be able to enjoy the little thats left of christmas.

Edited December 25, 2011 by childishregrets

[Sugarkane]

Sounds pretty normal to feel that way, after someone has betrayed you.

[Philosoraptor]

First I am going to say I am very sorry you are hurting. It's been 7 years though and this is about someone you met in high school. You were both young and immature. Sure you were hurt, but no one is worth this.

 

I very much suggest going to counsiling and no one else can give you closure but yourself. You've refused to let go of your anger. People get cheated on after 20+ years together and find the ability to let go long before 7 years has passed.

 

You need to forgive yourself and forgive her internally. You are holding a grudge that has made you lose 7 years of your life. Don't lose anymore. Find a therapist to help you and learn to open your heart again. Everyone gets hurt. But you can get past it if you allow yourself to.

 

She's moved on. She's forgiven herself, forgiven you internally, and found her happiness. It's not her job to make this better. You have all the power here and you should use it to allow yourself to be happy again.

 

I wish you nothing but the best in this journey.

[childishregrets]

thanks for the replies i do appreciate any and all comments.Im going to ask myself over the next few days if she said sorry would it fix all the other issues.

 

This girl is not the only issue in my life right now which i know is a part of the sorrow and depression i feel.

 

I know how long its been and its purely anger based, i have no desire anymore to be her BF since she had a kid so i know that im not wimpering to have her back or anything.

 

Its just the anger bit and the fact she has never said sorry once.She rebounded on me after a week moved in within a month and you tell me she was forgiven herself and forgiven me? really? i gave her a call after her dad died 7 months after we split and never got a call back to say thankyou that must of been hard after i humiliated you.

 

If she has forgiven herself its due to passing of time and the attraction and thrill of a new relationship im 99% sure its nothing to do with real compassion, realisation of mistakes or genuine remorse as thats probably why she blanked me in public once and i have not saw or spoken to her since they moved in togeather.

 

This is a key issues here and the reason i have failed to deal with it, i have different how do you say its, morals..... i firmly believe that i should of been contacted after going through that....I never started it yet i took almost ALL the blame mate.

 

If she rang me tomorrow cried and told me the guilt was too much an how she knew she had done X and X which was never fair i would feel a MASSIVE amount of relief.

 

To say that she has no responsibility is just not something i can let my self agree with.If you break someone or something you have a duty to fix that or at least address the issues.