Re: is it wrong to ask someone to make a promise?

[Paulie]

OK. YOU have the problem here, my dear. He's not drinking excessively. Frankly, (on occasion, of course)

 

if he were to have 8, or even 10 beers over the course of several hours while watching football with the guys, and didn't drive, that would be PERFECTLY OK.

 

You need to stop being such a nag. Unless his having too many beers (and 3 is by no means excessive, by any standard...even according to my 6th grade guidance counselor)...you have no need for concern.

 

You made your point that his drinking bothers you, he adjusted...and you nag because he had 3 instead of 2???That's SICK. I'm only gonna say three words:

 

Knock it off.

 

Good luck, it seems YOU might be able to benefit from having a few beers. Maybe it'll stop you from being so goddamn anal!!!

 

Good luck,

 

Paulie

[Paulie]

For you to suggest that I break promises and such, is clearly out of line, and presumptuous. Yes, like all of us, unfortunately, I do.

And I take exception to my being rude and obnowious on this site. I generally try to tell it like I see it, which is the purpose of this site. Instead of hurling insults at me, consider my opinion, if you disagree, disregard it.

 

I never consider my, or anyone else's advice, to be gospel, but that's why we can all benefit from more people contributing here. Good luck, it was just my honest opinion, which is the best I can do.

 

Paulie

[Xila]

I have to admit, I agree will Paulie. Unless this guy is driving, an alcolohic, or has had problems drinking in the past, this seems like a ridiculous promise to force someone to keep. I think it's sweet that he even made the promise. He obviously doesn't want you to be mad at him, but you can't expect him to be around his friends and not let loose a little. You don't want to make him feel like being with you is like being in jail. You want him to make the right decision on his own, and the only way he's gonna do that is by learning what the right decision is ON HIS OWN. If I were you I would choose your battles wisely, and unless there's more to the story, this is not one of them. Let him decide how many beers he wants to have and tell him the reasons why you hope he sticks to his decision. It gives him the control, and if he's a good guy, which he seems to be, he'll do the right thing. Otherwise you're headed down a long road with this promise thing, and you only brought it on yourself.

[Tony T]

Your boyfriend may have every intention of keeping his promises when he makes them. But with each beer, his mental capacity for doing most anything properly is diminished. If he drinks two beers very quickly and the alcohol gets to his brain right away, his capacity for even taking his promise to you into consideration is greatly diminished by his blood alcohol, the footfall environment, and his friends.

 

The only solution is to have him promise to drink non-alcoholic beer. He obviously does not have the willpower or the ability to quickly metabolize alcoholic beverages at a rate that allows him to make good decisions. Naturally, by the time he gets home to you, his blood alchohol is at a level where he can make excuses for the temptations he was unable to resist at the time.

 

I am really sorry you are having this problem. It is not wrong to ask someone to make a promise, but I think we always get into trouble when we expect people to behave in any particular away. Benjamin Franklin said: "Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he will never be disappointed."

 

You are either going to have to accept that your boyfriend cannot resist further alcohol after the first drink or two or just leave him. My vote is pray he lets someone sober drive, let him have his third of fourth beer, and enjoy the rest of the relationship without getting worked up about it.

[Tony T]

FIRST YOU WRITE: "i wonder if counseling would help me or if this is so ingrained in me that it is hopeless. a part of me knows that he really isn't doing much wrong, but it still has been a constant issue since we met."

 

IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH, YOU WRITE: "today we are talking about counseling, he does not want to go. i told him we both have problems, at one time i went to counseling for my jealousy and he was willing to go with me when i had the problem, but now that we both obviously have a problem he wont go."

 

In the first paragraph above, you pretty much took responsibility for this matter. The resolution of this, it appears from your post, seems to hinge on your ablity to let go of the past and to give up your control issues concerning this matter. You can do this without your boyfriend attending counselling with you. I do not see this issue which is yours as something he needs to deal with in therapy.

 

Now in your post you said he wasn't really doing much wrong, so if he does have a problem that requires therapy, you need to post it and maybe I'll change my opinion. But I just don't think his presence is necessary in counselling for you to deal with this problem. It sounds like your guy is a reasonable man and if you are able to show compelling reasons why his presence in your sessions would be valueable in your treatment, I'm positive he would go. Historically, he has shown he will go with you if that is required.

 

If I have missed something, I apologize.

[Nina]

I had this problem with my fiance when I met him. He would drink every night until he passed out. We talked about it adn teh only requirement i have is that he can only drink up to three beers a night.

 

I stopped nagging him and let him be, and he follows merule and drinks less and less. He loves the taste of beer, and as long as he's not stumbling or bumbling, I don't bother him.

 

As far as your own anguish, I completely sympathize but there's one thing I learned in school about the therapeutic process: you can't force anyone to do anythign they don't want to do. If he's not driving drunk, not beatin gyou, not hurting anyone, let him be. You're only causing your own emotional anguish.

 

My favorite existential psychologist who I base a lot of my own practical interaction on (and who I'

 

ve written papers abotu) is Viktor Frankl, a Jewish psychologist who survived years in the Nazi internment camp Auschwitz. He lost his wife, his research, his health, his friends, his home, yet has no bitterness towards Nazis or Germans. My favorite quote of his is: "The only thing a man owns is the attitude which he take sin any given situaiton." This means that you control your reaction to situations, not past traumas, not yourboyfriend, not anyone else. If you feel emotional anguish and pain, you can stop that feeling too.

 

Everytime you react because of past traumas, you let your past abuser win, controlling your life adn drivin g awedge between you and a partner who is not abusive and who tries to accomodate you. going from 8-10 beers a night to less than four is a big step. The key to changing behavior is reward, not punishment. Think about that a second.

[Heather]

I think you are wrong on this one Paulie. He should respect her wishes if she is important to him. Also if he is not up to commiting to an agreement they made than he should not make the agreement in the first place. I think that they should sit down and talk about it. Maybe she does need to lighten up a little, but she should be important enough in HIS life for him to respect her wishes. If he agrees on having only 2 beers at a game then that should be it. Im sure if it was the other way around and she was not respecting his wishes then he would have a fit. And Im sure that you would still say that she was the one with the problem.

if he were to have 8, or even 10 beers over the course of several hours while watching football with the guys, and didn't drive, that would be PERFECTLY OK. You need to stop being such a nag. Unless his having too many beers (and 3 is by no means excessive, by any standard...even according to my 6th grade guidance counselor)...you have no need for concern. You made your point that his drinking bothers you, he adjusted...and you nag because he had 3 instead of 2???That's SICK. I'm only gonna say three words: Knock it off. Good luck, it seems YOU might be able to benefit from having a few beers. Maybe it'll stop you from being so goddamn anal!!! Good luck, Paulie

[Deejette]

You don't trust him because he has gone back on his promise, and you are wondering what else would he promise about and not fulfill. But getting someone to stop drinking because they fear you will be mad at them is not a good motivation. They will just sneak around to avoid your displeasure. So either you accept him and love him as he is, or realize that in the future this will become even more of a problem if you get married, have a family, etc.

 

Nagging doesn't work. It kills love and romance, even if it is deserved.

if he were to have 8, or even 10 beers over the course of several hours while watching football with the guys, and didn't drive, that would be PERFECTLY OK. You need to stop being such a nag. Unless his having too many beers (and 3 is by no means excessive, by any standard...even according to my 6th grade guidance counselor)...you have no need for concern. You made your point that his drinking bothers you, he adjusted...and you nag because he had 3 instead of 2???That's SICK. I'm only gonna say three words: Knock it off. Good luck, it seems YOU might be able to benefit from having a few beers. Maybe it'll stop you from being so goddamn anal!!! Good luck, Paulie

[Tony T]

Yws, if you are having problems in communication, you both need to get into counselling together. If he is not willing to do so, and since communication is an essential part of any good relationship, then you must leave him and find someone who is willing to discuss things with you.

 

A relationship without communication cannot survive.