Healing from a breakup with maturity

[youngster]

Today marks a month of me being separated from my ex. I feel I have made big strides in healing by applying some of the advice I have read here on LS (went 3 weeks NC, but broke it right before Christmas).

 

Today I read some of Philosoraptors posts talking about healing with a certain level of maturity and it got me thinking about just how maturely I am acting towards all of this.

 

I feel like I have created an appearance an understanding/acceptant dumpee in the eyes of my ex (I know she is not the focus) but on the inside, I know I'd be lying to myself if I say I'm not torn up.

 

I have been fighting off these feelings of anger towards her lately, for I do not want them to take root inside of my heart. we had a good thing and I want to be able to remember it for what it was instead of magnifying the flaws in me, in her, in us.

 

I know that most will say to concentrate on myself, forgive both parties, learn from this experience, that I'm better off etc, but I want to know if there's anything that I should be doing to heal the right way.

[rob_h]

Today marks a month of me being separated from my ex. I feel I have made big strides in healing by applying some of the advice I have read here on LS (went 3 weeks NC, but broke it right before Christmas).

 

Today I read some of Philosoraptors posts talking about healing with a certain level of maturity and it got me thinking about just how maturely I am acting towards all of this.

 

I feel like I have created an appearance an understanding/acceptant dumpee in the eyes of my ex (I know she is not the focus) but on the inside, I know I'd be lying to myself if I say I'm not torn up.

 

I have been fighting off these feelings of anger towards her lately, for I do not want them to take root inside of my heart. we had a good thing and I want to be able to remember it for what it was instead of magnifying the flaws in me, in her, in us.

 

I know that most will say to concentrate on myself, forgive both parties, learn from this experience, that I'm better off etc, but I want to know if there's anything that I should be doing to heal the right way.

 

Hi good mature post! I'm still deciding how to be getting through my devastation. Do I act with maturity and be myself, or go a bit daft and have a blow out its tough man!

[fucpcg]

Apologize for all you got wrong. Take some time and really, really think about it, then apologize by letter. When my ex broke up with me, she did it by email, and boy it was a scathing one. This from a woman that I did at one point have a truly amazing relationship with. When responding to her email, it went from defensive, to angry, to apologetic but defensive, all they way to the final copy (six weeks in the making) that was a TRUE apology after realizing I earned that scathing email. I originally stood on the ground that hey you got a lot of **** wrong too! That premise didn't excuse my actions, it was lame excuse. I sent my ex a 19 page apology to her one page email, lord knows if she read it or not. But she deserved it, and it made me a wiser and better person. Yes she has issues to deal with, but that is for her to deal with, not for me to hide behind.

 

I am truly a better person today for my ex breaking up with me. Just sorry to see how wrong I got things.

[Almond_Joy]

Anger is part of the healing process too. That was the hardest thing for me to accept, because I don't like harboring negative feelings. Like you, I thought that being angry about it would allow the anger to take root in my heart. But the anger comes with loss. That's a perfectly natural reaction to have. Furthermore, just like every other part of the grieving process, anger is finite. It doesn't last and you'll feel better for letting yourself feel the full spectrum of emotions that comes with loss.

[solobeary]

I agree that an "apology" letter (in a broad sense) is a good, mature way of coping. Only that in many cases it should not be sent to an ex.

 

To use my story as an example: my break up was pretty messy. The ex was going through some stress in his life and took it all out on me, over a period of months. He started criticising me, making me feel like it was a chore spending time with me, doubting everything I did, flirting with another girl (a girl who he claimed was a friend, but who he had nothing in common with other than the fact that she was into him and a massive ego boost). During all this, I got angry at him, I got sad, I sent him an email telling him all the things I loved about him and how I wished I could enjoy them again. Then he broke up with me in a hurtful way, blamed ALL the problems in the relationship on me and told me that he was going to have a much better time with a new girl (different girl to the one he was flirting with) he'd met. Stupidly, I begged, I apologised for a lot of things I hadn't done right in the relationship. He kept making me feel awful, not owning up to his own problems, criticising me to other people. Finally I went No Contact.

 

This immature man does NOT deserve an apology letter. All that would do would be feed his ego, and he'd probably use it to justify why he treated me so disrespectfully.

 

This does not mean I don't have things to "apologise" for. There were tonnes of things I did wrong in the relationship. But he's made it clear that he is too hurtful towards me to factor into my life or self-improvement. Instead of writing an apology letter, I have reflected on where I went wrong in the relationship and what I need to improve about myself in order to not make the same mistakes again, in order to learn from it and mature as a person by myself.

 

Just wanted to clarify that in many stories I read about on this board an "apology" letter should NOT actually be sent to the ex, although the idea of reflecting on what you learnt from the relationship is a good one.

Edited December 27, 2011 by solobeary

[Philosoraptor]

Oh wow, I was mentioned in something. I am both honored and humbled.

 

I agree with a good mixture of what has been posted here. You can not force your feelings away. Allow them to pass through you and allow yourself to embrace them. But don't let them linger. Internally you know when to cut them off so just find something else to focus on at that time. A project or something to work on will work... heck do a puzzle or something.

 

I also agree that an apology is very necessary. Not a letter to someone else, an apology to yourself. Apologize to yourself for any negative actions that you have taken as they were surely against the core of who you are. Next forgive yourself for those actions and understand you are always learning and that no one is perfect. Promise yourself that you will learn from these mistakes and make better decisions in the future.

 

After you have truly forgiven yourself you will feel that sense of relief that allows you to forgive your ex. Just like you they made mistakes and are always in a state of learning and maturing.

 

Unless you were horribly abusive, a cheat, etc... you owe them no true apology and when they finish their healing process they will forgive you this way as well. One who does not forgive their past partner will never fully heal.

 

I forgave my ex for what happened. We were both young and learning about ourselves and I truly hope she learns from her mistakes. But more importantly I've forgiven myself for my mistakes and will never make the same ones again. I am much happier now and really enjoying life.