Author Moose Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 You know - you are not your best when you're drinking. You will be a better man if you stay away from drinking. Your marriage and all of life's problems will take care of themselves when you do your step work with a sponsor in the AA program. Why are you delaying what can help you? You need clarity and let go of the anger - it is all found in your step work. Get busy doing that today!I don't drink anymore and don't plan on doing so EVER again. Have you not been following this thread? I quit for my own good. Not just for the marriage....I already have my, "Higher Power" so to speak and the desire to drink is no longer within me.... Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Are you making a suggestion? Or do you think it's fair that I make all the changes and expect nothing in return? Definitely not the latter; forget that. The suggestion I'm getting at is to make your stand on what really matters to you. Is this BS ultimatum? Is it a sexless marriage? Something else? Figure out what you really want to change in your marriage and bring it up to your wife and the mc. Your wife will either be willing to work with you or she won't, but draw your lines on what's most important to you. I guess I'm having a hard time believing that this ultimatum is more of a deal-breaker for you than anything else going on in your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 I don't drink anymore and don't plan on doing so EVER again. Have you not been following this thread? I quit for my own good. Not just for the marriage....I already have my, "Higher Power" so to speak and the desire to drink is no longer within me.... Yes - I've followed it! You see - your anger shows through in just your words you type. DO the steps! That is designed to get rid of your anger! I wouldn't want to be married to an angry man. You have people here telling you what YOU need to do - the steps - yet you aren't willing to consider doing that...why not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 Definitely not the latter; forget that. The suggestion I'm getting at is to make your stand on what really matters to you. Is this BS ultimatum? Is it a sexless marriage? Something else? Figure out what you really want to change in your marriage and bring it up to your wife and the mc. Your wife will either be willing to work with you or she won't, but draw your lines on what's most important to you. I guess I'm having a hard time believing that this ultimatum is more of a deal-breaker for you than anything else going on in your marriage.The MC drives the conversation. So far the opportunity to express what I want hasn't presented itself. Rest assured, I'm prepared! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 It's not really about the not drinking... It's MUCH bigger than all that. You won't know until you DO IT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 Yes - I've followed it! You see - your anger shows through in just your words you type. DO the steps! That is designed to get rid of your anger! I wouldn't want to be married to an angry man. You have people here telling you what YOU need to do - the steps - yet you aren't willing to consider doing that...why not?I'm sorry you mis-interpreted my, "typing". I'm not an angry man....trust me on that one. I'm one of the nicest men on earth, I'd give the shirt off my back if I thought it would help someone... And I am already doing the, "steps" and I do have an accountabilty partner, a very Godly man who's been through this same situation. I may not be following the AA 12 steps verbatim, but I believe I'm on the right path... Like AC said earlier. I may be "dry" right now, but the ultimate goal is to be sober. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 I may not be following the AA 12 steps verbatim, but I believe I'm on the right path... I do know 2 people who have quit drinking, not done AA because they didn't like the religious aspects or belief system in how it all was set up. One friend has been sober 4 years and the other almost 2 years.. AA isn't for everybody, and I'm sure there are other support systems in place to help someone quit without doing AA. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Ok then - what is your old behavior then? What did you learn about YOUR pattern from your 5th column of your 4th step? This is key information YOU need to know - it helps YOU to understand what you need to never do again... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 Ok then - what is your old behavior then? What did you learn about YOUR pattern from your 5th column of your 4th step? This is key information YOU need to know - it helps YOU to understand what you need to never do again...Specifics? Ok. I'll be vulnerable. Keep in mind this all happened a decade or more ago: Lost my license Went to jail a few times Spent the last money we had on alcohol instead of food Ignored the needs of my wife and family Missed work a few times I've dealt with these already and haven't done any of these things for more than a decade. Keep in mind that when I was drinking, (a couple of months ago) it was 2 maybe 3 beers a night. That's why it was no big deal to stop again. I understand that I can't drink at all given my past. It takes the security my wife needs away from her. This doesn't excuse what she does wrong though.... Link to post Share on other sites
MoneyWorld Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 You know - you are not your best when you're drinking. You will be a better man if you stay away from drinking. Your marriage and all of life's problems will take care of themselves when you do your step work with a sponsor in the AA program. Why are you delaying what can help you? You need clarity and let go of the anger - it is all found in your step work. Get busy doing that today! Not to say that AA doesn't help people who need it, but to say someones marriage and all of life's problems will take care of themselves when someone goes to AA is a very short sighted misconception. If it were indeed the case then people who don't drink wouldn't have any problems, and we all know that's not the case. Taking care of yourself first (using any method, not just AA) can then put you in a better position to take care of your relationships, but to say that something like AA is the answer to all of life's problems is categorically incorrect. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Specifics? Ok. I'll be vulnerable. Keep in mind this all happened a decade or more ago: Lost my license Went to jail a few times Spent the last money we had on alcohol instead of food Ignored the needs of my wife and family Missed work a few times I've dealt with these already and haven't done any of these things for more than a decade. Keep in mind that when I was drinking, (a couple of months ago) it was 2 maybe 3 beers a night. That's why it was no big deal to stop again. I understand that I can't drink at all given my past. It takes the security my wife needs away from her. This doesn't excuse what she does wrong though.... So what is the contrary action that was targeted? This is the ACTION that changes everything you were doing before? And it NEVER would show that YOU point the finger at HER behavior - so that alone tells me YOU have work to do... Keep moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Are you currently taking any medication? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 So what is the contrary action that was targeted? This is the ACTION that changes everything you were doing before? And it NEVER would show that YOU point the finger at HER behavior - so that alone tells me YOU have work to do... Keep moving forward.We all have work to do. Nuff' said.Are you currently taking any medication?Why is this relevant? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 We all have work to do. Nuff' said.Why is this relevant? Being defensive and moving away from answering a question is part of what I recognized in steps 6&7 - character defects... It is relevant. Anything at all that alters you isn't likely to put you in a position of being your best. Yes, when I first got sober I had work to do. I did it...ALL my steps - and VERY quickly. Then I have continued to do them - which only helps me to grow and understand how to CONTINUE being a better person - by the way I participate. I have that... The way I participate - that is what I own. That is what I CAN change. When I change the way I participate - it DOES affect OTHERS in a very profound way! It has changed my life and anyone I come into contact with. That is how change begins to happen. When I change the way I think and behave. I also started HELPING others - instead of causing harm - THAT changed as well... But I first had to target my old behavior and to be sure I wasn't going to act like that again. And I only needed to blame MYSELF if I didn't like a situation. And IF I didn't like it - I needed to change things. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 If this is working well for you - and you don't intend to change YOU or the way YOU participate - then why are you here asking for help if you only intend to answer with "nuff said?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 Being defensive and moving away from answering a question is part of what I recognized in steps 6&7 - character defects... It is relevant. Anything at all that alters you isn't likely to put you in a position of being your best. Yes, when I first got sober I had work to do. I did it...ALL my steps - and VERY quickly. Then I have continued to do them - which only helps me to grow and understand how to CONTINUE being a better person - by the way I participate. I have that... The way I participate - that is what I own. That is what I CAN change. When I change the way I participate - it DOES affect OTHERS in a very profound way! It has changed my life and anyone I come into contact with. That is how change begins to happen. When I change the way I think and behave. I also started HELPING others - instead of causing harm - THAT changed as well... But I first had to target my old behavior and to be sure I wasn't going to act like that again. And I only needed to blame MYSELF if I didn't like a situation. And IF I didn't like it - I needed to change things.Wow....good for you! I'm not dodging a question....I just didn't see how it was relevant to this conversation. I take medication for high blood pressure. And to answer the question what was my contrary action, I guess I haven't gotten to that point yet. Like I said earlier, I'm not taking the 12 steps verbatim like you did. I'm happy for you though.....good job!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Follow them - just the way the book outlines - best way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 If this is working well for you - and you don't intend to change YOU or the way YOU participate - then why are you here asking for help if you only intend to answer with "nuff said?"Look, I'm trying not to be rude....but just because this worked for you doesn't neccessarily mean it works for me or anyone else for that matter...I'm happy for you though...I really am. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Look, I'm trying not to be rude....but just because this worked for you doesn't neccessarily mean it works for me or anyone else for that matter...I'm happy for you though...I really am. Then don't! Go on doing what you've been doing. Knowing that you'll get what you've already gotten. What are you looking for here by complaining about this situation? What is it that YOU plan to do differently? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 What I see - is still a lot of self will. You need to grow your connection bigger with your higher power. You are road blocking yourself... And suggestions that are coming your way = self will. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 There are two different issues going on here. Moose's marriage, possible pending divorce and drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 There are two different issues going on here. Moose's marriage, possible pending divorce and drinking. Both based upon the way he behaved. What behaviors have completely changed... Besides not drinking? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 Then don't! Go on doing what you've been doing. Knowing that you'll get what you've already gotten. What are you looking for here by complaining about this situation? What is it that YOU plan to do differently?Man alive...what is YOUR problem? Did someone pee in your cereal this morning? I'm getting valuable feedback from a few people I've literally known for years and who has known me and my situation....for YEARS.... Besides, what business is it of yours? Do you own this site? I plan on staying dry and work toward sobriety like AC said. Whether or not my wife responds. If she does....great! If not....great!! My "Give a Damn" is now broken...thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Ok then. Good luck with it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 Both based upon the way he behaved. What behaviors have completely changed... Besides not drinking?AH...now I see where you're coming from. My apologies... I don't argue. I listen. I do alot more housework. I send daily emails to my wife with a positive message. I provide, (probably more than I should) for my family's needs and wants. And so on and so forth....does that answer your question? Link to post Share on other sites
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