UPDATE: I know it's wrong but . . .

[Sally522114]

It has been a few months and I thought since a number of people had been kind enough to offer their opinions and insight, that I should post an update of my situation.

 

I have not re-read the thread, but I believe I had mentioned that my MM and I had been having inappropriate conversations occassionally. It went on like that until probably the beginning of November. Finally I just asked one day if he ever had fantasies about me. I believe that was a turning point for us. As I mentioned, my stay in the area was only temporary and when I asked him this question, I knew I only had about a month left to be near him.

 

After asking that question, we started sharing our fantasies about each other and even though I wanted something more with him, he said he couldn't live with himself if things got physical between us. I respected that he felt that way, however, he did not want to stop what we were doing so far. And that was obviously dangerous as things slowly progressed over the next month. And after each new thing (seeing a naked body part, watching as the other got off, a kiss, giving/receiving oral) he would always say that we couldn't go any further.

 

After seeing him naked for the first time, I actually went home and cried as I knew what a betrayal it was to his wife. But then, even though I had always considered myself to be a pretty decent person in most aspects of my life, I decided that I wanted to be selfish in this situation. I did, however, decide that I absolutely did not want to push him into anything. I only wanted to be with him if it was truly what he wanted - especially since it was him who had so much to lose.

 

Yes, there were times when I'm sure it was only lust driving us, but we both felt more than that. As my departure date grew nearer, it was as though we needed to get things off our chest. Yes, we were being more physical but we had many serious talks as well. He told me how compatible he thinks we are and had we met at a different time, maybe things could be different. He said he loves his wife and is not looking to replace her, yet he can't help the deep feelings he has for me. He said that he has spent a lot of time trying to figure out his feelings but finally decided that he cannot explain it so just decided to give into what he was feeling.

 

I think a few people who replied suggested he is just a typical guy who got an ego boost from my crush and was just out to sleep with me and maybe he's done this before and other such things. Basically saying that there's no way he could actually have true feelings for me. Well, I have lived this, no one else has. Every situation is different right? Yes, he is cheating on his wife and yes, that is awful and no, I would not want my husband to do it to me. But I do believe that what we had with each other was something very special - a real connection.

 

I moved home two weeks ago. And that last weekend I was there, we did finally take that final step of sleeping together. He is very romantic and sweet. He told me that what he feels for me is love, or at least the beginning of it, since we haven't had quite enough quality time to call it true love. We both would have liked the chance to be together, but he has already built a life for himself and he does love his wife and children. We've stayed in touch obviously, snce I moved home. He asked for my mailing address and has already written me two letters, something he says he has never done for another woman.

 

I know I have to move on. My good friends here keep telling me it's unhealthy to be hung up on him and how am I ever going to find another man to be with. But it has only been 2 weeks, everything is so fresh, and quite frankly, I want to indulge my feelings a little longer. This man has shown me something invaluable. Most of the guys I've fallen for in the past had issues and I felt I needed to help them . . . being with my MM has shown me the kind of man I want to be with - not someone who I need to fix, but just someone that I enjoy spending time with and who makes me happy.

[norajane]

Most of the guys I've fallen for in the past had issues and I felt I needed to help them . . . being with my MM has shown me the kind of man I want to be with - not someone who I need to fix, but just someone that I enjoy spending time with and who makes me happy.

 

Oh dear. This MM says he loves his wife, is not looking to replace her, but he has deep feelings for you, too.

 

And you don't think he's a man with issues that you want to fix?

 

He's totally a man with issues. Serious issues. That's what you're drawn to. It's just that his issues are packaged differently than the kinds of guys with issues that you've been drawn to in the past. But don't make the mistake of thinking MM has no issues.

 

He opened the door to this affair - he let you into their marriage...a man without issues doesn't screw up his life and his wife's life like that, you know?

[Sally522114]

Oh dear. This MM says he loves his wife, is not looking to replace her, but he has deep feelings for you, too.

 

And you don't think he's a man with issues that you want to fix?

 

He's totally a man with issues. Serious issues. That's what you're drawn to. It's just that his issues are packaged differently than the kinds of guys with issues that you've been drawn to in the past. But don't make the mistake of thinking MM has no issues.

 

He opened the door to this affair - he let you into their marriage...a man without issues doesn't screw up his life and his wife's life like that, you know?

 

I guess him "letting" me into his marriage might mean he has some issues. But nothing I need to fix for him. I will get over him. I just meant that I normally go for the guys who are dark or disturbed and feel like I'm constantly holding the relationship together. With my MM (granted, we didn't have a "real" relationship) it was just easy and enjoyable. He is smart and intelligent, conversation came easily. He made me smile and laugh. I just think he is a man who spent too much time with his secretary and since they were so compatible, feelings naturally developed and then they both made a selfish decision to indulge those feelings. I know he has never had an affair in the past and I'm quite certain he will never have another, although he does intend to stay in touch with me. We'll see how that goes, I guess. I may need to cut contact evetually in order to get over him.

[2sunny]

As long as you stay in contact with him - your head and your heart will never move forward and find an available man who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

He knows that - it may be part of why he keeps in such close touch with you.

 

You will never get what you want from a man as long as he stays selfishly involved with you. Yep, he's selfish - at YOUR expense.

 

You deserve more - you won't get that until you halt contact with him and open yourself up to available men that CAN offer you a future.

[Sally522114]

You deserve more - you won't get that until you halt contact with him and open yourself up to available men that CAN offer you a future.

 

Don't worry. I am aware that I will need to cut contact in order to truly move on from him. But I don't want to just yet. A little longer isn't gonna change anything. I'm already thinking of him a little less. And it helps being 3000 miles away from where I knew him. I don't see any places that remind me of him as he's never been here.

[MissBee]

I guess him "letting" me into his marriage might mean he has some issues. But nothing I need to fix for him. I will get over him. I just meant that I normally go for the guys who are dark or disturbed and feel like I'm constantly holding the relationship together. With my MM (granted, we didn't have a "real" relationship) it was just easy and enjoyable. He is smart and intelligent, conversation came easily. He made me smile and laugh. I just think he is a man who spent too much time with his secretary and since they were so compatible, feelings naturally developed and then they both made a selfish decision to indulge those feelings. I know he has never had an affair in the past and I'm quite certain he will never have another, although he does intend to stay in touch with me. We'll see how that goes, I guess. I may need to cut contact evetually in order to get over him.

 

I think that is just another permutation of the same thing.

 

In my journey of self awareness and growth, I realized I would attract men because of my issues. As I grew, they would stop being as ridiculous but still, it was the same type of thing just in a different form or a more "acceptable" seeming form...but in reality, it was all the same.

 

I think you getting involved in this inappropriate relationship, especially one you feel is inappropriate, is just an expression of the same type of issue of dating dark and disturbed men. I think it is just manifesting in a different, less obvious way....but nonetheless I'd explore it as a problem as well.

[Sally522114]

I think that is just another permutation of the same thing.

 

In my journey of self awareness and growth, I realized I would attract men because of my issues. As I grew, they would stop being as ridiculous but still, it was the same type of thing just in a different form or a more "acceptable" seeming form...but in reality, it was all the same.

 

I think you getting involved in this inappropriate relationship, especially one you feel is inappropriate, is just an expression of the same type of issue of dating dark and disturbed men. I think it is just manifesting in a different, less obvious way....but nonetheless I'd explore it as a problem as well.

 

I think I'm gonna have to disagree. Yes, I felt it was wrong - because he was married, how could that not feel wrong? But the way our feelings developed was completely natural. We've known each other for over 5 years so became friends first and when you spend so much time together every day (more time than he was spending with his wife) things happen that you don't intend to happen. Such as inappropriate feelings developing. The wrong part was that we acted upon those feelings.

[2sunny]

A person's character IS something that is revealed in the choices they make for themselves.

 

I caution you - decisions that are made that make someone feel as though they betray themselves is not a healthy decision.

 

Your decisions affect you - and how you feel about yourself.

 

I hope you decide wisely from here forward.

 

5 years or not - he cheated... You helped him accomplish that. IF he thought he need to be with you - he could have made himself an available man for you years ago - but his cowardly way waited until you were safe - and leaving town - so no longer a threat for his wife to discover. He preyed just before you left. He groomed you so you were ripe and ready. He alao knew you'd be vulnerable since you were leaving.

 

He's the usual cowardly and using MM.

[MissBee]

I think I'm gonna have to disagree. Yes, I felt it was wrong - because he was married, how could that not feel wrong? But the way our feelings developed was completely natural. We've known each other for over 5 years so became friends first and when you spend so much time together every day (more time than he was spending with his wife) things happen that you don't intend to happen. Such as inappropriate feelings developing. The wrong part was that we acted upon those feelings.

 

You don't have to agree, but even putting your self in situations for that to happen says a lot. You probably didnt do it consciously....but my point is, every situation we find ourselves in and what we allow to happen often speaks A LOT to subconscious motivations. You admitting to the dark and disturbed man thing and you allowing this doesn't seem coincidental. Anyway, you have it figured out apparently, so good luck!

[woinlove]

Don't worry. I am aware that I will need to cut contact in order to truly move on from him. But I don't want to just yet. A little longer isn't gonna change anything. I'm already thinking of him a little less. And it helps being 3000 miles away from where I knew him. I don't see any places that remind me of him as he's never been here.

 

From your earlier posts, it seems you have been obsessing over this MM for years, wondering what he feels for you, if you two were going to have sex, etc. Well, now you've had sex and some of the wondering can be left behind. Still, I don't expect you to really get over him and truly move on any time soon. When you are ready to, the work of learning why you wanted to pursue a MM, why you've chosen men you felt you had to fix, will still be waiting for you. MissBee makes a good observation about your choice in men. If you want, someday you can move from the stage "I know this is wrong but..." to a "I'm living an honest and authentic life and I'm happy". Or not. The choice is yours.

[bentnotbroken]

I guess him "letting" me into his marriage might mean he has some issues. But nothing I need to fix for him. I will get over him. I just meant that I normally go for the guys who are dark or disturbed and feel like I'm constantly holding the relationship together. With my MM (granted, we didn't have a "real" relationship) it was just easy and enjoyable. He is smart and intelligent, conversation came easily. He made me smile and laugh. I just think he is a man who spent too much time with his secretary and since they were so compatible, feelings naturally developed and then they both made a selfish decision to indulge those feelings. I know he has never had an affair in the past and I'm quite certain he will never have another, although he does intend to stay in touch with me. We'll see how that goes, I guess. I may need to cut contact eventually in order to get over him.

 

 

Unless you can see into the past and the future...you don't know jack. You can tell yourself that as much as it helps you to believe it and think that you were that special to be an "only". It is the same thing his wife thinks...she is the "only" Nothing special here, you are in the same boat as she is. The only difference is you jumped into the boat with the knowledge he was already in an EA with you. Lie to whomever you need to lie to in order to maintain your fantasy, but don't lie to yourself. You should be the one person that protects you. Pity isn't it?

[Sally522114]

From your earlier posts, it seems you have been obsessing over this MM for years, wondering what he feels for you, if you two were going to have sex, etc. Well, now you've had sex and some of the wondering can be left behind. Still, I don't expect you to really get over him and truly move on any time soon. When you are ready to, the work of learning why you wanted to pursue a MM, why you've chosen men you felt you had to fix, will still be waiting for you. MissBee makes a good observation about your choice in men. If you want, someday you can move from the stage "I know this is wrong but..." to a "I'm living an honest and authentic life and I'm happy". Or not. The choice is yours.

 

Yes, one of my major reasons for continuing my relationship with my MM was because I wanted to know how he truly felt. That is something I stated a number of times in my previous thread. Always "wondering" was awful as I have a very curious personality and do not like to go on with life while not knowing things.

 

And I do agree with you that it won't be anytime too soon that I move on from him. Many people who replied to my previous thread told me that once I finally slept with him I would only want more and that I would always be hoping that he would leave his wife for me. That was not true then and it is still not true now. I like this man very much and of course would like the chance to be with him but realize that is just not possible. I am happy for the time we did get to spend together but I wish him well in his life as does he in mine.

[YellowShark]

I like this man very much and of course would like the chance to be with him but realize that is just not possible.

 

What?!? You like this guy very much? The same guy that would be doing the very same thing to you if you were his wife? (Throwing you under a bus.) I mean really, the old line "how compatible he thinks we are and had we met at a different time, maybe things could be different." is such a tired old cliché. If he was a man of honor he should have never engaged you, or had sex with you. His personal sexual gratification should be trumped by his commitment to his wife, and respect for you - (by not dropping you into a blender of emotions, sex, and lies.)

 

Wow Sally. You need to really figure out why you are attracted to a man who has no honor, and cheated on his wife sexually with you -(ya... ya know, the very same wife who he claims to "love.") Do you respect or care about Jesse James? Tiger Woods? Ashton Kutcher? (all known cheaters...)

Edited December 27, 2011 by YellowShark

[Spark1111]

Ahhhhhh Sally, be very careful here......

 

Sexing up a MM is like shooting fish in a barrel......

 

He is/will say ANYTHING to a woman who accepts his sexuality with no strings attached; his fantasies, fetishes, his body and its parts....to keep it all going without paying a bill together or staying up all night with a sick child, or talk about the in-laws.....Talk necessary to a mature, loving relationship.

 

Darling: You are the fantasy good time.

 

What do you talk of when it is not of sex or sexual fantasies?

 

Be very careful here......and think long and hard about the answer....

[Sally522114]

What do you talk of when it is not of sex or sexual fantasies?

 

We talk about anything and everything else. As I've said before, we have known each other for a while and were good friends before any of this other stuff happened.

 

We can talk about something as boring as the weather or as embarrassing as when I got my first period. We talk about our siblings and their familes and his father's mental illness and my parents' divorce. We talk about what's going right at work and what's going wrong. He talks of how he'd like to go back to school and encourages me to do the same as he thinks I have much more potential. We talk about movies and tv shows and books we've read and even suggest some for the other to read.

 

I could go on and on. We challenge each other and tend to get into passionate debates about things such as religion and politics then usually have to agree to disagree. I think we are very close and obviously have the trust in each other to share some of our most personal issues.

 

I do not think he is just using me. I do not believe he is just telling me things that I want to hear. Of course, it is possible that I'm just being naive and he really is using me and lying to me. It's not like I can read his mind. But I've spent a lot of time with him. I see how he treats other people in general and how he leads his life (this affair being an exception of course). I've seen his body language and heard the tone of his voice and seen the look in his eyes. Yes, he is a sexual man and yes I'm sure part of him is driven by his sexual desires . . . but that is not all that drives him.

[Sally522114]

of course he is going to tell you that you are special, unique, blah blah....he does not want you outing the affair to his wife. he led you along as planned, holding out until right before you left before putting the cherry on top of his pie - having sex with you. he can't just ignore you now; you know how to contact his wife. he has to let you down slowly. i mean, some man who proclaims to love his wife and then has sex with you, you really think he hasn't had or won't have previous affairs? because you know him so well right? because you spent more time with him than his wife, right? you really believe this stuff?

 

You did point out something I hadn't really thought of. That he could potentially only be staying in contact with me so I won't freak out and tell his wife or something crazy like that. That is a possibility, however, I think he is going way above and beyond what he would need to do to keep me quiet. First of all, I would never say anything anyway, even if he did stop talking to me completely and I'm sure he knows that. Then there's the overkill. He is texting me, emailing me, calling me and even writing me letters. Don't you think the occasional text would suffice?

 

Also, it's not like all we're talking about is sex. Sure, it comes up of course, but a majority of our talk still revolves around other things. Why is he wasting his time talking to me about such mundane things? So to answer your final question: yes, I really do believe this stuff.

[2sunny]

You feed his ego.

 

He knows as long as he takes up your time and attention you won't go looking for another guy... And then you keep feeding his ego.

 

Cake eater for sure. IF he wasn't selfish - he'd leave you alone so you could find an available guy.

[Sally522114]

Sally, take a look at the thread entitled, "List of things MM say to get OW's" on The Other Man/Other Woman boards here.

 

Your MM seems to have used a couple of those over-used and cliche statements mentioned in that thread - especially the one about "if we'd only met at a different time..." They must get that crap from a manual, I swear.

 

2Sunny is right - this guy is LOVING the attention and the ego strokes that a young, adoring lady - who looks at him with puppy dog eyes - is giving him. He's in the throes of infatuation, not love. The excitement of new romance is pretty heady stuff, and the physical release of 'feel good' chemicals from the brain keeps a person wanting more. This isnt the riddle of the Sphinx, it's pretty simple stuff.

 

And ALL married men, to varying extents, worry about the possibility of a scorned woman showing up on their doorsteps and turning their worlds upside down in one fell swoop. You say, "I'm sure he knows I wouldn't tell his wife." Deep down, he doesn't know anything of the sort. Just because he doesn't mention it to you doesn't mean it's not a concern for him. ANY married person is cognizant of the fact that their affair partner has the power to literally destroy everything they have. So yes, it's entirely possible that part of the reason he's keeping the good feelings flowing between you both - even though you're long distance now and it's kind of pointless - is because he knows you DO have the potential to wreak havoc in his life.

 

Keeping in touch with you also satisfies his need to feel wanted and adored and desired - and it keeps those endorphins flowing for him. But why would you waste your time providing this stuff for him when that's ALL he's looking for? He supposedly loves his wife and family and has NO desire to change his situation, so why would you want to be reduced to fulfilling some need he feels he's missing at home?

 

I don't get it.

 

Let me start by saying that I really liked your post. You made a lot of valid points and you could be right on some of them. I really have no proof otherwise, all I have is what I think I know, what I feel and what he tells me.

 

I did go read the thread you mentioned and hardly any pertain to my situation at all. He has never once told me he doesn't love his wife, is only staying for the kids or hasn't had sex in x number of years. He's said the exact opposite actually. He said he loves his wife very much and is happy at home. I know this begs the question of why he was with me then if he is apparently so happy at home.

 

Is it really not possible for two people to develope feelings for one another. To work together everyday and enjoy each others' company so much that they find themselves wanting more? I don't think it has to be as complicated as some people are making it out to be. Yes, he probably does like the heady feeling of new romance as it can be quite exciting but I will always stand behind the fact that we were friends first and I therefore believe I know him quite well.

 

Also, he has never tried to tell me that he is the perfect guy for me and no others could compare. Quite the opposite actually. He can't believe that I've been single as long as I have been as any guy would be lucky to be with me. He's told me numerous times that he hopes I can find a worthy man to be with and he wishes me all the happiness in the world. Sure, him still talking to me isn't helping the situation as I can't very well move forward with him still on my mind, but that has been my choice. I'm not ready to move on just yet. But eventually, I believe I will be.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't think that every married man (or woman) who gets involved in EMA's is completely machiavellian, using tricks and ploys consciously to lure unsuspecting victims. Many times, they are just weak, dishonest, damaged, fearful, unhappy, cowardly and /or self-indulgent people going for the quick and available "feel -good" temporary fix for problems within themselves that they don't want to face.

 

On this board, we hear about those who use other people for this.

 

A lot of them are clueless about their own motivations. It doesn't make it any better than if they really are scheming puppeteers.

[Waitress]

Hi Sally,

 

I do think it's possible that he has real and deep feelings for you. It is impossible for anyone here to know exactly what's in his head or between the two of you.

 

What people here might be seeing though is an obviously bright and caring woman with a lot to offer who they feel should have a different focus.

 

In any healthy relationship the entire focus should not be about the other person. We all must have our needs met first and foremost. We all need to have rich, full lives with and apart from our partner.

 

The guy might have true feelings for you and not want to lose you. But he also might not be able to give you what you want. And, as long as you settle for crumbs from him, something inside him will feel that that is all you deserve.

 

When we let men treat us second-rate (and you are second right now) then they don't think, "wow, she loves me so much because she is allowing this - I MUST be with her." No, they think, "she doesn't really have a very high opinion of herself, why should I."

 

On some level they DO think that. It is human nature.

 

I think you know this but are hoping that somehow it will work out. The best you can do for yourself and for the sake of a future happy relationship is EXPECT to be first with anyone you give your attention to.

[Waitress]

I don't think that every married man (or woman) who gets involved in EMA's is completely machiavellian, using tricks and ploys consciously to lure unsuspecting victims. Many times, they are just weak, dishonest, damaged, fearful, unhappy, cowardly and /or self-indulgent people going for the quick and available "feel -good" temporary fix for problems within themselves that they don't want to face.

 

On this board, we hear about those who use other people for this.

 

A lot of them are clueless about their own motivations. It doesn't make it any better than if they really are scheming puppeteers.

 

I agree with this completely. The guy I was talking about in my recent posts is this way, I believe. I think I am a coping device for him. I think a lot of MM use women and MW use men for just that purpose. And sometimes it is very subconscious probably.

 

As you say, the motive is unimportant. How it makes us feel and act is what matters.

 

Really well said. Thanks!!

[skywriter]

Let me start by saying that I really liked your post. You made a lot of valid points and you could be right on some of them. I really have no proof otherwise, all I have is what I think I know, what I feel and what he tells me.

 

I did go read the thread you mentioned and hardly any pertain to my situation at all. He has never once told me he doesn't love his wife, is only staying for the kids or hasn't had sex in x number of years. He's said the exact opposite actually. He said he loves his wife very much and is happy at home. I know this begs the question of why he was with me then if he is apparently so happy at home.

 

Is it really not possible for two people to develope feelings for one another. To work together everyday and enjoy each others' company so much that they find themselves wanting more? I don't think it has to be as complicated as some people are making it out to be. Yes, he probably does like the heady feeling of new romance as it can be quite exciting but I will always stand behind the fact that we were friends first and I therefore believe I know him quite well.

 

Also, he has never tried to tell me that he is the perfect guy for me and no others could compare. Quite the opposite actually. He can't believe that I've been single as long as I have been as any guy would be lucky to be with me. He's told me numerous times that he hopes I can find a worthy man to be with and he wishes me all the happiness in the world. Sure, him still talking to me isn't helping the situation as I can't very well move forward with him still on my mind, but that has been my choice. I'm not ready to move on just yet. But eventually, I believe I will be.

 

 

 

Just be care with your emotions, if you know it's wrong but....

 

You already know that sharing initimate conversations , sexual discussions, lovemaking, and so on causes us women to become attached .

 

It hurts so bad when that is one sided, and the guy carrys on unaffected.

 

It hurts even worse when you consider he does love his wife, and you've become attached,you're stuck trying to stop wanting him. You're only human.

[norajane]

He can't believe that I've been single as long as I have been as any guy would be lucky to be with me. He's told me numerous times that he hopes I can find a worthy man to be with and he wishes me all the happiness in the world. Sure, him still talking to me isn't helping the situation as I can't very well move forward with him still on my mind, but that has been my choice. I'm not ready to move on just yet. But eventually, I believe I will be.

 

How long HAS it been since you've dated anyone? Why?

 

Have you been pining for him for 5 years and not dating other people?

 

He has his wife. Who do you have?

[Sally522114]

How long HAS it been since you've dated anyone? Why?

 

Have you been pining for him for 5 years and not dating other people?

 

He has his wife. Who do you have?

 

It's been over 3 years since I was in a very serious relationship. The last serious one I had been engaged and then things just didn't work out. I've met and dated a number of guys in the past few years. Some lasted maybe a month or more, but there was no one I was truly interested in. So, no I have not been pining for him for 5 years. My crush started less than 3 years ago and even for the first year or two, it wasn't that serious and I was still trying hard to find someone else, especially since I knew I could never be with my MM. I know he has a wife and right now I only have my friends and family, no significant other. But I did not post on here to get advice on where I should go from here. I plan to move on, but things are so fresh right now and I want a little more time - I'm not ready yet. I only really started this thread in case anyone who had read my previous thread was at all curious about how things proceeded. And I'm sure they are disappointed since the consensus had pretty much been that I should walk away.

[MissBee]

Is it really not possible for two people to develope feelings for one another. To work together everyday and enjoy each others' company so much that they find themselves wanting more? I don't think it has to be as complicated as some people are making it out to be. Yes, he probably does like the heady feeling of new romance as it can be quite exciting but I will always stand behind the fact that we were friends first and I therefore believe I know him quite well.

 

Sure, him still talking to me isn't helping the situation as I can't very well move forward with him still on my mind, but that has been my choice. I'm not ready to move on just yet. But eventually, I believe I will be.

 

I get where you're coming from Sally. You're not completely delusional. You know more or less that the situation is questionable and won't be lasting but want to enjoy it for now. I get that. So long as you're realistic. Although what we know in our minds sometimes, and our actions and subsequent emotional attachment aren't one and the same. I too have "known" the facts of a situation and decided I'd enjoy it for now....but unfortunately that did not curb the emotional attachment to what was a dead-end, and I still got hurt in spite of "knowing".

 

That would be my only warning to you...

 

As for if it isn't possible to develop feelings and want more...of course it is possible. The problem is, what does that mean? We feel things all the time, feelings do not automatically amount to a relationship or even a healthy situation. If someone has "feelings" for you but won't ever be wit you, commit to you etc...even in single relationships, if that is not what you want then it doesn't matter how they feel or how you feel. I think that is the point. IMO, it is not that a MP can NEVER care about the OW/OM...but how much? Enough to leave and be with them? Maybe not...often not. So the problem is the OW/OM who is so attached to this person, wanting more and more or believing that because they care for them it means they will leave...when that is simply not true.

 

You can have feelings for multiple people...but usually one person/situation is more ideal than another...and that is the one you will choose and stick to. And often the OW/OM is not it....so to me, I won't say the person doesn't care about you...but how much? And what does that mean? In a general I am fond of you, attracted to you, like talking to you and having you around sense OR a I'm inlove with you and cannot imagine not being with you and will change my life and risk being uncomfortable for you sense? I think lots of OW/OM hope and pray it is the latter, when it is really the former...and the sacrifices they make and how they behave is like it is the former (even when they claim they don't care if they leave etc). I am not saying you are doing this, your question just made me think of that and the fact that you have to look at your situation and see what it is and consider if how you respond to it is fitting based on what it is.

Edited December 29, 2011 by MissBee