norajane Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 It's been over 3 years since I was in a very serious relationship. The last serious one I had been engaged and then things just didn't work out. I've met and dated a number of guys in the past few years. Some lasted maybe a month or more, but there was no one I was truly interested in. So, no I have not been pining for him for 5 years. My crush started less than 3 years ago and even for the first year or two, it wasn't that serious and I was still trying hard to find someone else, especially since I knew I could never be with my MM. I know he has a wife and right now I only have my friends and family, no significant other. But I did not post on here to get advice on where I should go from here. I plan to move on, but things are so fresh right now and I want a little more time - I'm not ready yet. I only really started this thread in case anyone who had read my previous thread was at all curious about how things proceeded. And I'm sure they are disappointed since the consensus had pretty much been that I should walk away. If people are disappointed, it's because we post here in the hopes we might help others avoid the mess your heart and mind become when you fall for a married person. Sometimes we succeed, but often people need to go through their life experience their own way. It sounds like you were quite vulnerable from the ending of your last relationship, and your engagement, when you started crushing on this MM. That's not a coincidence. It's good that you have friends and family. Stick close to them for a while. That will help you find your 'self' again. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 You both are asking for trouble because you BOTH know better and have crossed lines. All the morals, all the "this is so wrong, I can't do this" means nothing when you both keep the door open a crack. You feed his ego and he feeds yours. There may be feelings there, and he may care for you, but do you really want an affair? To be the OW, knowing this guy isn't going to leave his wife? Any guilt you or him feel (again) means nothing as long as you're playing this little game together. One day when you're married (maybe to him, maybe to some other guy) and some girl comes along playing footies and wants your husband and he wants her - Remember your situation you're in now. Though I'm sure you won't be understanding and kind about it being the BS, having kids and a life built with a man who foolishly allows another woman close to him. It'll hurt like hell and you'll feel betrayed. Can you honestly say you're proud of being with him? Bring him around your family and friends? Tell them "hey, I love this guy and he loves me..But..he's got a wife and kids.." Think ahead, think of others involved here, not just you and him. This is your choice and your life is how you make it to be, so IF you choose to wander down the affairyland pathway, OWN it and accept your selfish choices in doing so, don't put all the blame on him because you're willingly believing a man who lies to his wife every single day. Oh no, that's right, he'd never lie to you or lead you on.. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 Since you're not intending to end it right now - can you start pulling away and "wean yourself" from him? Maybe start participating with more solid boundaries that won't give up your self respect from here forward? No video cam sex, no naughty talk, no interacting inappropriately - and constantly reminding him you're invoking a strict personal boundary based on the fact that he's married. Anytime he wants to talk "intimately" just simply say " not willing to give that part of myself to a man who's married" - that would be a good start for a healthier future of your respecting yourself. Can you do that? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 Is he giving you money? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sally522114 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 Is he giving you money? Wow, I've been away for a week or so and come back to see this. I have no idea what would give you this impression. No, he is definitely not giving me money. We went out for lunch all the time and although he would offer to pay every time, I always took turns - thought it was more fair that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sally522114 Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 This is your choice and your life is how you make it to be, so IF you choose to wander down the affairyland pathway, OWN it and accept your selfish choices in doing so, don't put all the blame on him because you're willingly believing a man who lies to his wife every single day. Oh no, that's right, he'd never lie to you or lead you on.. I fully accept that this is not all his fault. I'm as much to blame as him - I get that. We have both made bad choices and we each have to live with whatever consequences may come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sally522114 Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 not every man and woman who work together end up in an affair. i have worked very closely with a man for 9 years and we have never, ever once crossed the boundary of co-workers/friends. why in the world would i want to get involved with someone i work closely with and who is married? what is there in it for me? having him tell me he loves his wife and has frequent sex with her? who in their right mind who want to hear that? i am concerned at the pendastal you have this mm on - and you go on and on about how he loves his wife and all that; yet it is obvious he has no respect for women - not you or his wife. you keep talking about how you aren't ready. ready for what? to be alone? to not have someone telling you he misses you and whatever else he does? to have your ego stroked? if you have read much on this section of ls, you will see that so many have been where you are and they are left with broken spirits and sadness for many many months. you seem to think that you are going to have a light bulb moment when it is okay to stop the emotional affair you are in. you seem to dismiss what so many of us have said; such as he knows better than to disappear because he fears you will run to his wife and be able to give her detailed information of the affair. you seem to think it isn't about an ego stroking for him. you seem to think he will never again have an affair. you have had a crush on him for 3 years and of course he has known that. you think he doesn't know he has to let you go slowly? he knows scorned women get revenge and he isn't going to risk you running to his wife. please don't say you won't do it; many here have said the same things and done exactly that. he loves having you miss him, he loves having you want him. he gets all jazzed up by it and feels invincible. he isn't a fool. he is someone who has betrayed his wife, who crossed work boundaries, who has taken advantage of your crush, who has no respect for you or his wife and who has a big ego. you want to take your time with ending it? why? what makes you want to continue this from 3000 miles away? what are you getting out of it besides an ego boost? you talk about how he wants you to find someone else; well, until you end it with him, you won't even think about someone else and even if you did date, it wouldn't be fair when you are so concentrated on the mm. I just wanted to touch on a couple points you brought up. Obviously, not every man and woman that work together end up having an affair. I was not implying that in any way at all. I only said that because we worked so closely together, we got to know each other and then because we are so compatible and whatnot, we also developed feelings for one another. The other thing you seem curious about is why I do not just want to end this. I was thinking about it a lot today actually. And what I've come up with is that I know to get over him I will need to cut all contact because even continuing a friendship at this point would be counter-productive. Talking to him would remind me of how well we get along and how easy it is to talk to him. I would miss him too much to find someone else. It's because I would need to cut all contact that I am prolonging this - it makes me want to cry when I think about losing even his friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sally522114 Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 Since you're not intending to end it right now - can you start pulling away and "wean yourself" from him? Maybe start participating with more solid boundaries that won't give up your self respect from here forward? No video cam sex, no naughty talk, no interacting inappropriately - and constantly reminding him you're invoking a strict personal boundary based on the fact that he's married. Anytime he wants to talk "intimately" just simply say " not willing to give that part of myself to a man who's married" - that would be a good start for a healthier future of your respecting yourself. Can you do that? I think this is a good idea. Not that we have been using cams or anything like that but there has still been some inappropriate conversations via text messages or phonecalls. I do want to be someone's #1 so continuing to be his number two is not going to get me anywhere near my goal. This was good advice, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sally522114 Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 sally522114, i do not think 2sunny meant anything malicious. there have been several ow women who have posted about how the mm helps them with the bills and without their help, they could not pay rent, buy groceries, have cell phones, etc. i would hazard a guess that she was wondering if part of your not wanting to stop the affair was due to possibly not having help with finances. 2sunny, i do not mean to speak for you so if my thought is wrong, i apologize. Perhaps that is what 2sunny meant. And if so, then no: that is definitely not my situation. He has given me no money, except for buying me the occasional lunch as I mentioned earlier. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I did ask about money - mainly to see what benefit (motive) you may or may not have in creating distance from your MM. Some OW allow themselves to become more than emotionally dependent on MM - so I was just getting an idea of your situation. Since he doesn't help with money - good for you. Distancing yourself ... And staying SO busy you're exhausted can help. Can you take a few classes or sign up for hobbies? It may give you a chance to meet a few new people too! ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
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