Suggestions? Ideas? bros?

[MarMarMar]

So I'm getting near to being 3 months out of my BU. My healing train is chugging along and all that but I was feeling in need of some advice. I have not spoken to my ex in about 2 months but he will sporadically contact me though I don't respond. His dad is still a regular at the place I work so I see his dad often but I stopped speaking about the breakup to him since it first happened until yesterday at least.

 

My ex has been coming more and more frequently to my work when I'm not there and his family gave my family presents(ex dropped then off at work) my coworkers said that he had been kind of adamant about them telling me that they were mostly from him. And now he's been showing up during my shifts but stays outside. His parents really want us back together so they're always trying to get me to hang with him and stuff and I finally brought it up with his dad that having my ex come to my work is making things awkward and hurtful for me in my workplace and he was hurt but seemed to sort of understand where I was coming from.

 

My concern is not what my ex's intentions are but I'm having a hard time keeping things civil without other people getting hurt but if I don't set my foot down I end up hurt instead. I just want to keep working on myself and move on because even though I still love my ex I want to move on and live my life but with the strange dynamics of things it's getting hard. My coworkers are getting put in a tough spot too cause they like my ex's dad and my ex but we're very protective of each other and since my ex is not respecting my space and because of the nature of the breakup my manager is running out of patience with him and is gonna tell him to not come back until further notice. I just want him to back off but I don't wanna hurt his family and my work family is starting to get up in arms about it.

 

I don't want my ex in my space anymore because I'm trying to squish the last bits of hope and just let go of everything left so I can get over him at some point and having him around just keeps making that well try to fill again.

 

Any advice on what I can do to diffuse the situation or maybe how to deal with the parents or if failing that how I can react/try to approach this to minimise damage I guess? How to finish off those last bits of hope? Letting go of my anger and resentment and hurt? I guess in digging all those feeling up and out to confront them I've hit a proverbial rocky patch that's harder to dig through the rest of it. Or something haha.

[goldengirl86]

I think by the sounds of it you should meet up with him and tell him there is no chance that you too will ever get back together! It might sound harsh, but its is the only way. Sometimes when people ignore us rather than just saying bugger off, it makes us pursue it even more and in some ways we just want to be told its over and there is no chance that your ever going to be together again.

 

And i get not wanting to hurt anyone like his family, but ask them to respect your decision it is not that you do not not love there son it is just that you dont want to be with him anymore, you hate hurting him, but this is the best thing for the both of you, and just cant see it yet!

[Philosoraptor]

You need to protect yourself first emotionally. Before anything is done by your manager I would either have a chat with his father, whom you seem to be on speaking terms with, or sending a letter explaining that you are being hurt by his presense and that you are asking him to please respect your space.

[MarMarMar]

I think by the sounds of it you should meet up with him and tell him there is no chance that you too will ever get back together! It might sound harsh, but its is the only way. Sometimes when people ignore us rather than just saying bugger off, it makes us pursue it even more and in some ways we just want to be told its over and there is no chance that your ever going to be together again.

 

And i get not wanting to hurt anyone like his family, but ask them to respect your decision it is not that you do not not love there son it is just that you dont want to be with him anymore, you hate hurting him, but this is the best thing for the both of you, and just cant see it yet!

 

The thing is I already told him in clear terms that I don't want him contacting me or coming by my store, that was the last time I initiated contact with him, and I spoke to his dad last night again because I also spoke to him the day before. I guess I just don't want my manager to hurt people's feelings but she's only stepping in after me already asking for space having them not really respect it.

[Standard-Fare]

MarMarMar: Without revealing specific personal details, can you explain what type of work situation you're in that your ex and his family are routinely coming by?

 

The main point of my question is: Is there any valid reason for your ex to be hanging around there? For example is this a place where he hung out regularly even before you guys were dating? Is it inevitable and necessary for him to be there sometimes?

 

It sounds like you're involved in a very narrow social scene that now regularly features your ex and his family members, and I understand how that could be really suffocating. This is probably not want you want to hear, and who knows if it's even possible, but it seems like for you to move on successfully from this relationship you may need to remove yourself, at least somewhat, from this scene. Whether that involves getting a new job or else putting mandatory restrictions on your ex -- i.e. "you can't hang around my workplace because it's preventing both of us from moving on" -- I'm not sure.

 

And if seeing your ex's dad is unavoidable at this point, I would also try to law down the law with him. In a way where you're like, "I respect you, I like you, and we're going to see each other -- but understand that this breakup is permanent and your son is an off-limits conversation."

[MarMarMar]

MarMarMar: Without revealing specific personal details, can you explain what type of work situation you're in that your ex and his family are routinely coming by?

 

The main point of my question is: Is there any valid reason for your ex to be hanging around there? For example is this a place where he hung out regularly even before you guys were dating? Is it inevitable and necessary for him to be there sometimes?

 

It sounds like you're involved in a very narrow social scene that now regularly features your ex and his family members, and I understand how that could be really suffocating. This is probably not want you want to hear, and who knows if it's even possible, but it seems like for you to move on successfully from this relationship you may need to remove yourself, at least somewhat, from this scene. Whether that involves getting a new job or else putting mandatory restrictions on your ex -- i.e. "you can't hang around my workplace because it's preventing both of us from moving on" -- I'm not sure.

 

And if seeing your ex's dad is unavoidable at this point, I would also try to law down the law with him. In a way where you're like, "I respect you, I like you, and we're going to see each other -- but understand that this breakup is permanent and your son is an off-limits conversation."

 

I work at a coffee shop. My ex and his dad are both coffee drinkers though they used to go to different coffee shops before him and I started dating. Not to mention that there's several other coffee shops literally within a block radius of my store. They only went to mine cause I worked there. Now he's been there randomly when I'm not there(his dad gives him the all clear when I'm not working) but these last few weeks he is there almost every day and if I'm there he just stays outside. Once in a while fine, but not all the time. Also he dropped the presents off there the other day and was asking my manager what my reaction had been and stuff.

 

The issue is that I had no boundaries with him when we were together and now he's not respecting them. I have to him to leave me be and he said he understood(the last time I was in contact with him) but he's obviously not doing it. I also did that with his father already on Xmas and I had to do it again yesterday cause he was there with my ex cause they didn't realize I had come in to help. My coworkers don't want my ex in my space either so it's getting more and more awkward.

 

The only thing I'm keeping my fingers crossed because they're opening another store in a different part of town soon and I'm gonna be going there if my manager takes it over cause she's bomb but I need something to do in the meantime to keep the peace, well as much as possible anyways.

[akazid]

Return the gifts to the Dad ... explain why to him ... only do this if you REALLY want him/them out.

 

Have a talk with him and tell him gifts were returned to Dad and that he should talk to his Dad/family about not pressuring him. More than likely it's family pressure.

[MarMarMar]

Return the gifts to the Dad ... explain why to him ... only do this if you REALLY want him/them out.

 

Have a talk with him and tell him gifts were returned to Dad and that he should talk to his Dad/family about not pressuring him. More than likely it's family pressure.

 

Mkay I'll give it a try then. Don't know about talking to my ex though he's been adamant about being friends. He won't take no for an answer hopefully it's family pressure like you said.

[Standard-Fare]

I hope the job at the new coffee shop works out.

 

But in the meantime and/or if it doesn't...

 

I think it's weird that both your ex and his dad are lurking around your workplace. If it wasn't a coffee shop that would be 100 percent inappropriate; but even under these circumstances it's odd. Maybe I don't understand the details or why they feel the need to be there. I'm getting the impression this is a small town with limited hangout spaces?

 

I think if you continue to feel weird about this situation, you have every right to tell your ex and his dad about that. I think you can claim this place as your "territory" since it's your income base. Neither of them can claim that level of dependence on the place and it sounds like they can find other places to get coffee. You should really feel OK about telling them to back off and keep their presence limited if you think it's holding you back from making progress.

[MarMarMar]

Arggg! Now I don't wanna return the gifts because I don't wanna hurt his parents. I know his mom cried cause I wasn't there for Thanksgiving and she made some food for me to eat on Thanksgiving and stuff. I hate hurting people so now I'm second guessing this. This sucks ugly monkey balls.

[MarMarMar]

I hope the job at the new coffee shop works out.

 

But in the meantime and/or if it doesn't...

 

I think it's weird that both your ex and his dad are lurking around your workplace. If it wasn't a coffee shop that would be 100 percent inappropriate; but even under these circumstances it's odd. Maybe I don't understand the details or why they feel the need to be there. I'm getting the impression this is a small town with limited hangout spaces?

 

I think if you continue to feel weird about this situation, you have every right to tell your ex and his dad about that. I think you can claim this place as your "territory" since it's your income base. Neither of them can claim that level of dependence on the place and it sounds like they can find other places to get coffee. You should really feel OK about telling them to back off and keep their presence limited if you think it's holding you back from making progress.

 

It is a small town but there's like a million coffee places they could be going to/used to go to before my ex and I got together so it's frustrating. As far as hangout places though he's likes bars and stuff like that and there's a million of those and other places he like to hang so he has no excuse. I'm just not sure/getting annoyed because I've asked already and my coworkers and manager agree to leave me to my space but I guess my ex just needs to be friends cause I haven't spoken to him in a few months really.And it does hold me back because I still love him and it hurts to see him and know he's up in my space and bugging my coworkers about me.

[Standard-Fare]

MarMarMar: I don't know your back story at all but from what you've written here it sounds like a) your ex still has feelings for you and feels the need to keep inserting himself in the outskirts of your life, b) his family wants you two to be together again, and c) you still have feelings for him.

 

I'm sure there's some destructive back story and history I don't know about and I'm too lazy to dig through the LS archives right now. But I'm guessing there are very valid reasons you and your ex are now longer together? Because otherwise, this situation sounds like you two would be giving things another go at this point.

 

So, assuming those VALID REASONS for your breakup are there and will remain there, you need to get yourself out of this painfully stagnant situation. This pattern could go on for months and months... the constant reminders of your past, your ex and his dad hanging around you, and the forced involvement of others (i.e. coworkers) into your private affairs.

 

The situation is unhealthy and you need to do what you can to make progress. Again, whether that involves getting a new job entirely, or standing up firmly to your ex and his family, telling them to back the F off, you need to decide. But you should take some firm action because your current reality can't go on for much longer.

[MarMarMar]

MarMarMar: I don't know your back story at all but from what you've written here it sounds like a) your ex still has feelings for you and feels the need to keep inserting himself in the outskirts of your life, b) his family wants you two to be together again, and c) you still have feelings for him.

 

I'm sure there's some destructive back story and history I don't know about and I'm too lazy to dig through the LS archives right now. But I'm guessing there are very valid reasons you and your ex are now longer together? Because otherwise, this situation sounds like you two would be giving things another go at this point.

 

So, assuming those VALID REASONS for your breakup are there and will remain there, you need to get yourself out of this painfully stagnant situation. This pattern could go on for months and months... the constant reminders of your past, your ex and his dad hanging around you, and the forced involvement of others (i.e. coworkers) into your private affairs.

 

The situation is unhealthy and you need to do what you can to make progress. Again, whether that involves getting a new job entirely, or standing up firmly to your ex and his family, telling them to back the F off, you need to decide. But you should take some firm action because your current reality can't go on for much longer.

 

I know b and c are definitely true, as for a I honestly don't know. I got dumped over text and when I confronted him about it he told me he didn't love me anymore and that it wasn't working out. Since this is my first serious relationship I've been at a loss as far as experience on what to do so I'm listening to advice and doing whatever doesn't hurt and helps me heal so the advice I'm getting here is greatly appreciated.

 

I'm just super hoping my manager gets that store and I'll definitely go there and it's also a drive-thru only location so there is absolutely no excuse for hanging out. It really seems like the only option right now but hopefully after my multiple talk with his dad and my manager and coworkers looking out for me and with the end of the holidays they'll all leave me some room to breathe.

[Standard-Fare]

I know b and c are definitely true, as for a I honestly don't know. I got dumped over text and when I confronted him about it he told me he didn't love me anymore and that it wasn't working out. Since this is my first serious relationship I've been at a loss as far as experience on what to do so I'm listening to advice and doing whatever doesn't hurt and helps me heal so the advice I'm getting here is greatly appreciated.

 

I'm just super hoping my manager gets that store and I'll definitely go there and it's also a drive-thru only location so there is absolutely no excuse for hanging out. It really seems like the only option right now but hopefully after my multiple talk with his dad and my manager and coworkers looking out for me and with the end of the holidays they'll all leave me some room to breathe.

 

Oh Lord -- he cruelly dumped you VIA TEXT and now months later he's lurking around your workplace, continually reminding you of his presence? That sounds really terrible and unfair.

 

I don't know how you've been handling contact with your ex so far but I think it's time to confront him and end this situation. I think it's time to be like: "This situation continues to be really painful for me, and I don't think I can tolerate you being around anymore. You ended things and I just have to move on. This is my place of work and you can't be here, and your dad can't be in my face, and your family can't be reminding me of all the 'good times' I'm missing. Please respect me enough to let me move on." (Or something equivalent.) And if he can't do that, it's time to get a little more forceful and maybe COLD.

 

Don't let him prevent you from making progress. This is really unfair of both him and his family. I wish you luck.

Edited December 28, 2011 by Standard-Fare

[MarMarMar]

Oh Lord -- he cruelly dumped you VIA TEXT and now months later he's lurking around your workplace, continually reminding you of his presence? That sounds really terrible and unfair.

 

I don't know how you've been handling contact with your ex so far but I think it's time to confront him and end this situation. I think it's time to be like: "This situation continues to be really painful for me, and I don't think I can tolerate you being around anymore. You ended things and I just have to move on. This is my place of work and you can't be here, and your dad can't be in my face, and your family can't be reminding me of all the 'good times' I'm missing. Please respect me enough to let me move on." (Or something equivalent.) And if he can't do that, it's time to get a little more forceful and maybe COLD.

 

Don't let him prevent you from making progress. This is really unfair of both him and his family. I wish you luck.

 

I really don't want to but I think you're right it might come to that in the end. We did have our good times but I put up with a lot/went through a lot for him and let all my boundaries fall around him it's time I really put my foot down.

[akazid]

Arggg! Now I don't wanna return the gifts because I don't wanna hurt his parents. I know his mom cried cause I wasn't there for Thanksgiving and she made some food for me to eat on Thanksgiving and stuff. I hate hurting people so now I'm second guessing this. This sucks ugly monkey balls.

 

That's the reason why I suggested you return the gifts to the family and not him.

 

You're looking to get out of this siuation. By sitting on the gift it looks like you accepted them and are 'thinking over' your situation. The moment you return the gifts, specifically to the parents, it shows that you've made up your decision and want to move it.

 

It sounds like the family is supporting him to pursue you. You don't heal a sickness by attacking the effects. You need to attack the root cause.

 

Yes, you may hurt them. Nonetheless, you have been hurt by them by being put this position and by being indecisive and letting people step over you. Make a decision and stick to it.

 

Also, as someone noted, it appears there may be more to the story than you are writing about.

[MarMarMar]

Good point. I'll try to return the gifts today or tomorrow, maybe just pack them up and wait until his dad comes by again. Also, what else do you want to know about story wise then? I tend to ramble like a loon so I tried to keep it short and sweet which didn't work either haha