Need to break NC for work... tempted not to do it

[Yuzuki]

My ex broke up with me around 6 months ago and I think I can safely say these have been the worst six months of my life. I went from near-constant crying, anxiety/trembling, chest pain, short phases of not even wanting to live anymore to finally feeling a bit better (even if still not an hour passes by when I don't think of him).

 

We work together but in different buildings, but I always have minor setbacks when I see him around or when people talk about him. These were quite severe at first (I remember running off to the restrooms to cry for half an hour just because someone sitting closeby mentioned his name, and being completely unable to work for the rest of the day after seeing him at the canteen), but are considerably better now even if it still affects me.

 

Alright, so for six months I managed to avoid any direct contact at work. But now I was told to contact him to check something I wrote and give his input. I know everyone will say I should be professional and just contact him, but I'm really scared of doing this. I'm finally doing a little better and the last thing I want is to go back to crying my eyes out from morning till evening. I don't think I'm ready to do this and not be severely affected by it, even if it's strictly professional. I'm quite likely to replay the whole thing in my mind for weeks, if not months.

 

Can I just ignore this request and not say anything to him? Possibly. I don't think anyone will ask him if he's heard from me yet. So at the moment I'm actually 90% sure I'm just going to ignore the request and not ask him a thing, but it's still bugging me. His input would be quite useful and I'm not entirely sure I won't have to ask him later on after all. But I'm thinking I should cling to every extra day I can spend healing myself. I really want to put those dark days behind me, not go through them a second time.

 

Before anyone asks - changing jobs is not really an option for a number or reasons. So in short... crappy situation. Opinions and stories would be very welcome.

[Philosoraptor]

In this situation I would ask a close friend at work to take the task. Professional or not no one should put themselves through pain that is not necessary.

[Yuzuki]

In this situation I would ask a close friend at work to take the task. Professional or not no one should put themselves through pain that is not necessary.

 

Thanks for the reply. Relieved to hear someone actually voting for not contacting him - not what I had expected with it being a work situation. However asking someone else to rework my document based on his comments might be tricky because they're likely to not know anything about it. It would also be odd to send someone else to him to ask for his input on a document that was clearly written by me (and will be needed by me in the future).

 

I think I'm sticking with just not contacting him at all for now. Still, thanks for the input.

[Magda70]

Alright, so for six months I managed to avoid any direct contact at work. But now I was told to contact him to check something I wrote and give his input.

 

how should this "contact" happen? In person, by phone, by email?

 

if you can choose, can't you drop him an email with your document in attachment and ask him to comment your text line by line?

 

Just a practical advise to avoid a understandable psycological problem.

[Magda70]

However asking someone else to rework my document based on his comments might be tricky

 

Maybe Philosoraptor meant you give a colleague of yours the task to go to him with your document and ask him to comment on it. Then your colleague comes back with his comments if it needs to be a face to face meeting.

 

Obviously this colleague of yours needs to know something about your doc/project.

 

Can this be a solution? I feel for you...

[Yuzuki]

It could probably be done via email, which is obviously better than having a face to face meeting but it's still enough to shake me up.

 

The thing is that it's quite the lengthy document (100+ pages) so I would still need his notes, it wouldn't be possible for someone to "memorise" his remarks then come and tell me.

 

Strange remembering that he told me we could always be professional in case it doesn't work out. I'd be happy to be professional, but that's not the point. I'm not being childish or unprofessional, just trying to save myself from more pain..

 

Once again thanks for the input.

[bigmomma1974]

Can you speak to the person that asked you to contact him and explain the sitution then maybe they can do it or have someone else do it? If your job requires his input on this then it is needed. I hate to see ya get in trouble for not doing what you where asked to do. If this is 100 plus pages emailing him may be the best option if your required to get his opinion if you can't get the other person to do so.

[Magda70]

The thing is that it's quite a lengthy document (100+ pages) so I would still need his notes, it wouldn't be possible for someone to "memorise" his remarks then come and tell me.

 

wait a minute: aren't remarks going to be made on the doc itself in red (or different color)?

 

Otherwise also yourself wouldn't you be able to memorize his remarks not only an helping colleague.

 

My example was obviously in case you need to meet him in person.

[Standard-Fare]

I agree that if there's a way to avoid this -- like, if you can be honest with a coworker and ask for their assistance, or if you really think you can get by without getting your ex's input -- you should choose that option.

 

But if you do end up having to contact him ... honestly, the worst part is right now, the worrying about it. You're already clearly absorbed in that stage of things. The actual contact can't be much worse.

 

So if you do have to get in touch, I'd first contact him via your personal (not work) email address. I'd write something like, "Hey, so staying out of contact with you has been my preference and has been working well for me so far, but it seems it can't continue forever. I'm now required to get in touch with you for X project. I know we can both handle this like adults, courteously and professionally. In a little bit I'll be sending you over X document... just wanted to give you a personal heads up to acknowledge the weirdness of this situation."

 

And from then on, just be as curt, cold and professional with him as possible, and grit your teeth to get through the process. Good luck.

[Yuzuki]

Can you speak to the person that asked you to contact him and explain the sitution then maybe they can do it or have someone else do it? If your job requires his input on this then it is needed. I hate to see ya get in trouble for not doing what you where asked to do. If this is 100 plus pages emailing him may be the best option if your required to get his opinion if you can't get the other person to do so.

It's definitely going to be either via e-mail or not contacting him at all. I really can't deal with meeting up. And I'm also a bit worried about getting in trouble... then again I might take my chances and only send it over if someone asks if I've forgotten or something.

 

wait a minute: aren't remarks going to be made on the doc itself in red (or different color)?

 

Otherwise also yourself wouldn't you be able to memorize his remarks not only an helping colleague.

 

My example was obviously in case you need to meet him in person.

Yes, I wouldn't be able to memorize them either but sometimes in cases like this people will write down their remarks and then meet face to face to elaborate on them a little.

 

I agree that if there's a way to avoid this -- like, if you can be honest with a coworker and ask for their assistance, or if you really think you can get by without getting your ex's input -- you should choose that option.

 

But if you do end up having to contact him ... honestly, the worst part is right now, the worrying about it. You're already clearly absorbed in that stage of things. The actual contact can't be much worse.

 

So if you do have to get in touch, I'd first contact him via your personal (not work) email address. I'd write something like, "Hey, so staying out of contact with you has been my preference and has been working well for me so far, but it seems it can't continue forever. I'm now required to get in touch with you for X project. I know we can both handle this like adults, courteously and professionally. In a little bit I'll be sending you over X document... just wanted to give you a personal heads up to acknowledge the weirdness of this situation."

 

And from then on, just be as curt, cold and professional with him as possible, and grit your teeth to get through the process. Good luck.

Hmm... I hadn't thought of this option yet and I've been thinking about it for a bit. It's somehow tempting, but I'm wondering if it's not the part of me that wants to break NC and talk to him that finds it tempting. It would be a very "friendly" approach though, even if it wouldn't really change anything.

 

I'll toy with my options for a bit longer. Glad there are people on LS that are always ready to offer advice.