Over and done with

[screwed up]

Well I'm not so screwed up any more -- just hurt yet again! I spoke to my ex last week told him that I couldn't leave my current boyfriend "hi and dry" that I had made other commitments (help with rent, school etc.) and that if I did go back to him that I wouldn't be able to until spring. He asked me what I wanted him to do and I said nothing that I'm just telling him how I feel and he said that he would wait for me, I told him I wasn't asking him to. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else or if his friends were trying to fix him up. He said no that the only one he was interested in was me and that his friends didn't know anyone to fix him up with. He said besides he didn't want to do anything to screw things up -- if there was any slight chance at all that I was coming back he didn't want to jeopardize it.

 

I spoke to my parents two days afterwards and they mentioned that they had ran into him and that he wasn't alone. At first they said it was his ex girlfriend but I couldn't see that because she and him are at each other's throats.

 

I called him later that evening just out of curiosity and a female answered the phone. Turns out he has been seeing her for "awhile" and I said since before two days ago? And all he would say was "awhile" so I took that as yes. I didn't raise my voice and get to upset with him, I mean I don't have any right to and it's not the fact that he is seeing someone it is the fact that I asked him to his face two days before if he was seeing anyone and he said no "I don't want to screw things up between us" and "you're the only one I want". So obviously he hasn't changed, he still cheats and lies and can't be trusted.

 

When I was with him last week his cell phone kept ringing and I said let me answer it because he said it was probably his ex girlfriend hurassing him again but he wouldn't let me. When I called and she answered I asked him why he let her answer his cell phone and he said because his ex was causing trouble. So I figure that he didn't expect that the person who was calling was me but his ex and that he didn't want me to answer the phone last week because it might have been the new girl. See I probably wasn't suppose to know about her and she wasn't suppose to know about me but I guess it backfired on him.

 

It is done and over with -- no more ex -- he just came back into my life (yet again) to hurt me and screw things up between me and my current and then go on with his life. Now I have to examine things between me and my current boyfriend because I wouldn't have let me ex do this if I were truly happy with him.

[Tony T]

Your last sentence isn't necessarily true. You just still have feelings for your ex that you haven't processed out of your life. You need to get over him.

 

Give your new guy the benefit of the doubt. It's really hard for you to fall for anyone if part of your heart is in another place.

 

The best policy is once you break something off, leave it that way. Relationships are very seldom the same once there has been a good reason for termination. Take the time to heal from the break up before moving forward.

 

But don't write your current guy off. He's probably pretty decent and had no way of knowing you weren't yet ready for another relationship.

[screwed up]

I know I should give him the benefit of the doubt, he has always been there for me (we were friend for almost four years before we started dating) and know all about my ex and how he couldn't be trusted. I just feel like I'm running out of time and that I don't want to spend another five years on a relationship where the guy doesn't really want to be with me and I just end up getting hurt over and over again. I want to find the "one" and I'm not sure if he is.

Your last sentence isn't necessarily true. You just still have feelings for your ex that you haven't processed out of your life. You need to get over him. Give your new guy the benefit of the doubt. It's really hard for you to fall for anyone if part of your heart is in another place. The best policy is once you break something off, leave it that way. Relationships are very seldom the same once there has been a good reason for termination. Take the time to heal from the break up before moving forward. But don't write your current guy off. He's probably pretty decent and had no way of knowing you weren't yet ready for another relationship.

 

[Tony T]

Well, if you feel like you're wasting your time with your current guy and you can't trust your ex, I suggest you get out there and find someone right for yourself.

[screwed up]

That's just it I don't know if I am wasting my time or not. How much time should you invest in a relationship before it's time to move on?

Well, if you feel like you're wasting your time with your current guy and you can't trust your ex, I suggest you get out there and find someone right for yourself.

[Deejette]

Some people stay in bad or so-so relationships because they feel they have made an investment. But it is like throwing good money after bad, or investing in stocks that don't do that much for you or are losing, but you can't stand being wrong about them. Or, it's like staying with the same slot machine, hoping that it will eventually pay off, and it doesn't because it's rigged.

 

If you really felt deep down that this current relationship was so great, you wouldn't be in such an upheaval about what to do. You would know that this is it!

 

That's just it I don't know if I am wasting my time or not. How much time should you invest in a relationship before it's time to move on?

 

[Tony T]

You are asking questions about your personal dating life that are yours and yours alone to determine. You have to use your feelings and your intuition to decide if a situation is right for you or not. There is no time element. If you have not sufficiently developed your capacity to have feelings about things, you really need to work on that.

 

It is my opinion that if you feel you have to inquire about a certain relationship in an Internet forum, it is not right for you. But YOU are the one who has to decide that for yourself and YOU are the one who has to decide how long to stay and/or when to split.

 

There is no mathematical formula and no average time that can be scientifically calculated.

 

I still feel you got into this thing way too soon after the break up with your ex. Your encounter with your ex was proof positive that you had and still may have some unresolved feelings there.

 

Good luck.

[screwed up]

I shouldn't sabotage my relationship with my current boyfriend just because I am scared he might do what my ex did in the past, they are two completely different people (in every way) and he has done nothing to make me doubt his feelings for me. I guess my ex coming back into the picture just made me want the things I use to hold very important (my overall goals in life) which was marriage, family and a home. But the truth is trusting someone and not having these things is way better than not trusting that person and having these things with them. That is what I would have had with my ex, sure my dreams would have come true but I wouldn't be happy because there would be a lack of trust in our relationship.

 

My current said to me that he does want to marry me he just wants to get his life in order first (he just started a year course and plans to leave the job he is in when he complete it). I should learn not to rush things and give him the time he needs -- I will know when the time is up for good.

 

My ex has done this in the past -- everytime I get seriously involved with someone else out pops my ex from the past telling me he has changed and all he wants is me. This time however I fell for it because he played on my dreams and what I once wanted with him. It won't happen again

Well I'm not so screwed up any more -- just hurt yet again! I spoke to my ex last week told him that I couldn't leave my current boyfriend "hi and dry" that I had made other commitments (help with rent, school etc.) and that if I did go back to him that I wouldn't be able to until spring. He asked me what I wanted him to do and I said nothing that I'm just telling him how I feel and he said that he would wait for me, I told him I wasn't asking him to. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else or if his friends were trying to fix him up. He said no that the only one he was interested in was me and that his friends didn't know anyone to fix him up with. He said besides he didn't want to do anything to screw things up -- if there was any slight chance at all that I was coming back he didn't want to jeopardize it. I spoke to my parents two days afterwards and they mentioned that they had ran into him and that he wasn't alone. At first they said it was his ex girlfriend but I couldn't see that because she and him are at each other's throats. I called him later that evening just out of curiosity and a female answered the phone. Turns out he has been seeing her for "awhile" and I said since before two days ago? And all he would say was "awhile" so I took that as yes. I didn't raise my voice and get to upset with him, I mean I don't have any right to and it's not the fact that he is seeing someone it is the fact that I asked him to his face two days before if he was seeing anyone and he said no "I don't want to screw things up between us" and "you're the only one I want". So obviously he hasn't changed, he still cheats and lies and can't be trusted. When I was with him last week his cell phone kept ringing and I said let me answer it because he said it was probably his ex girlfriend hurassing him again but he wouldn't let me. When I called and she answered I asked him why he let her answer his cell phone and he said because his ex was causing trouble. So I figure that he didn't expect that the person who was calling was me but his ex and that he didn't want me to answer the phone last week because it might have been the new girl. See I probably wasn't suppose to know about her and she wasn't suppose to know about me but I guess it backfired on him. It is done and over with -- no more ex -- he just came back into my life (yet again) to hurt me and screw things up between me and my current and then go on with his life. Now I have to examine things between me and my current boyfriend because I wouldn't have let me ex do this if I were truly happy with him.