Why did my dad hurt me?

[*Jody*]

Hi All

 

I'm not sure if I have the right place to be typing this, but i'll give it a go anyway.

 

For the last 4 months or so, I have been dealing with my father's affair. My parents have been married for 34 years and this is the first time that this has happened. My parents are very well respected people in our small community town. So to learn of this happening, it has been quite difficult. If it wasn't for my husband being here for me, I wouldn't be here right now.

 

My life changed in a matter of minutes and I never thought that somebody you love so much could also hurt you as much as my father did. I'm trying to be strong for my mother's sake and be here for her as much as possible. Some day's I can handle it, but some day's I can't and I break down crying. It can happen at work, at home, walking down the street anywhere. I can't control my emotions.

 

I never ever thought that this would happen to my family. I always thought that my mum and dad would always grow old together and have each other for the rest of their lives. How wrong I was.

 

Please don't tell me that this is between my father and my mother, because I am apart of this family aswell and we (my sister and I) should not be tossed to one side until they work things out. I am the youngest in the family and was always 'daddy's girl'. Sometimes i sit and think that if Dad wanted to hurt his family so much then he succeded with no troubles at all.

 

I've been to counselling every week for the last 4 months and it seems that it doesn't do anything for me. I feel I am getting depressed every day as life continues along this agonicing road.

 

Why would a parent as such do this to their family when they promised a life time together and not keep that promise????

 

Please help me!

 

Jody

[bluechocolate]

http://www.acod.net/resources.html

 

This link is a website for adult children of divorcing parents.

[johan]

Please don't tell me that this is between my father and my mother, because I am apart of this family aswell and we (my sister and I) should not be tossed to one side until they work things out.

 

I don't understand this. Maybe because my parents were divorced when I was young and I had to face the idea of their various relationships coming and going as I grew up. But I actually do think it IS your parents' business to a huge extent, and I'm not sure it's any of yours. The more you involve yourself in this emotionally, the more damage is going to be done to you and to everyone else. You're grown and married and you have to cut the ties at some point.

 

It's not as if your father's love for you has changed, I'm sure. I wouldn't say anyone is "tossing" you aside. What I think you should do is back off and let your parents figure out their future however it makes sense to them. Support your mother, especially.

 

One thing I can guarantee you is that there are aspects of your parents' relationship you NEVER had a clue about. You're just getting a glimpse now.

[FreeMe]

I think you have some development issues. The way your post started I thought you were a 15-year-old or around that, writing. You're an adult married woman. Your father is not cheating on YOU.

 

What he's doing to your mom is a different issue. I think appropriate feelings would be distress for HER and what he's doing to HER and probably anger at what he's doing to HER.

 

Your feelings and even your wording about this seem inappropriate.

[HokeyReligions]

Please don't tell me that this is between my father and my mother, because I am apart of this family aswell and we (my sister and I) should not be tossed to one side until they work things out. I am the youngest in the family and was always 'daddy's girl'. Sometimes i sit and think that if Dad wanted to hurt his family so much then he succeded with no troubles at all.

 

Your father must be a cruel and hateful and vengeful man if he set out to hurt his family on purpose. How shallow and cold he must be inside to not have any feelings except malice toward his family. You are so much better off without that kind of horrid person in your life. A person who would do that deliberately isn't human. Sorry if this sounds mean, but you said you didn't want to hear that its between your parents. This is all I can come up with outside of saying that your parents chose to marry each other and their marriage is totally apart from you and your sister. What happens between them has nothing to do with you or with how much they love you. Whatever is going on between your parents is their business. Don't take sides--they are the only parents you will ever have and NO ONE is perfect. If you hold them to standards that are impossible for them to meet then you are the one who will be hurt.

 

Just because you don't want to hear some truths does not mean the truths are not there. It's painful for you I'm sure, try the website someone else posted and if your current counselor is not helping then find another one.

 

People can fall out of love with their spouses - but parents never stop loving their children.

[*Jody*]

HokeyReligions thank you very much for your advice. This will be my last post, as I came on here seeking advice, not be slandered at by other reply's. HOw the hell am I ment to deal with something I haven't dealt with before?? I'm sorry I found this message board in the first place.

[johan]

Come on *jody*, you can do better than that. I'm curious why you titled your post "why did my father hurt me?". How exactly did your father hurt you? Isn't his primary commitment to your mother?

[Mr Spock]

I'm also a little suspicious-why would you post a title/subject like that in the OW/OM forum? Trying to drive the point home? All I can say is that if you are legit, you are entitled to feel angry. However, your parent's marriage is their own.

[FreeMe]

No one is slandering you. The point is you should look into why you are reacting this way. If your counselor didn't help, find a new one - or did you counselor tell you something you didn't want to hear? The purpose of the comments given here was so you'd do something to help yourself. The feelings you have seem inappropriate. If you don't understand where they're coming from, you won't be able to deal with them.

[Matilda]

I do think the replies have been a little hard on you, although I do agree with the basic premise that this is between your parents. My parents divorced when I was in high school. I do remember feeling like reality as I knew it had changed. However, I was living with my parents when they divorced, and things did change a lot for me as our house was sold and siblings left etc.

 

I think you need to think about, what has this really changed about your life. I'm guessing you feel like your father is not the man you thought he was. You thought he was a man that would never have an affair, and now you know he is not that man. I don't think this really changes your relationship with him however. I would guess that he is still the same father he was, even though he's not the same husband. You can still have a relationship with your mother and your father, it just won't be the same as it was. And as in most divorced families, family gatherings will be different. Yes, it's not the ideal situation for the children, but it's not the end of the world either.

 

I'm also guessing that you are having trouble with the immorality of the situation, in which case maybe you need to communicate those feelings to your father, and maybe not see him for a time until you have a better handle on your own feelings.

 

Like the others, I am a little confused as to why you think your entire world has fallen apart, when it does seem that you have a life apart from your parents. Although, I guess since you live in a small town, you think that others think differently about you. This is where I think you need to seperate yourself more from your parents. It seems like you feel your identity is tied up with theirs. But, as an adult you should already have a seperate identity from them. I think this is what people are surprised by. I do think that you may want to consider trying to find a different counselor who could help you to disentangle yourself from your parents and their problems.

 

I also think that you are making things more difficult for your mother by having such an extreme reaction. Not only has your mother's world fallen apart, but her daughter has fallen apart too. I think you need to figure out a way to deal with this better so you can be a better support for your mother.

[pinky]

I can also see you being upset, but I also agree that your dad is not trying to hurt you or your sister on purpose. Were his actions right? No. But that doesn't mean that he has turned into a completely different person, it means he made a bad decision. While you can be upset at the situation, it wouldn't be fair if you didn't know both sides.

 

Knowing both sides might mean that you find out things about your parents marriage that you don't want to know. They may not be comfortable talking about them with you, nor do they have any obligation to. I am sure there are some details of your marriage that you wouldn't be comfortable sharing with them.

 

Or are you mad b/c you married a guy just like your dad and now you feel threatened? My parents have been married for 26 years and I am sure if they got divorced it would make me question if my marriage safe. They've been married 20 yrs. longer than me, it would only be natural to wonder. But you can't let it take you over.

 

The bottom line is, even though your dad may have acted like a complete jerk, and you have a right to be mad at how he treated your mom, it really is their problem to work out. All you can do is be there for them if they are willing to talk about it. If you choose to be continually mad at your father and blame him, eventually it will ruin your relationship with him forever. Life is way to short for that. Just my 2 cents....