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Time does heal all wounds, even an old "vet" like me (interesting story enclosed)


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So, you know I've been on LS since 2005. In that time I've seen the ex that originally brought me here maybe 2 times in six years (the last time about 4 years ago). This is the girl if you remember that I proposed to, sat on the ring for 2 months and never answered me. I took the ring back and less than 3 months later she was engaged. That's the last I talked to her and I've had a couple more failed relationships between but nothing that could top this breakup. Even when my mom died, she left me still loving me. The ex? She had a choice and chose to walk away. But I learned a lot, stuck to my own advice and moved on.

 

Fast forward six years later....oh say, this past weekend. Christmas day, 2011.

 

For Christmas I decided to fly back to San Diego so I could see friends, hang out, visit the doctor that kept me alive (with God's hands on his, of course) and spend Christmas with friends. Well I knew that the friends I were staying with would not be there for Christmas not long after booking the trip. In fact, many of my friends were out of town. I have always stayed in contact with the exes mom though over the years it's been every 3-4 months, not every week. We were close, even more so when my mom died. I let her know that I would be in the area and asked if she wanted to see me at her condo area south of her home (the mom, not the ex!) on Christmas eve since she hadn't seen me since before the accident a few years ago. She replied that she would love to see me but would be out with other family members and that I was welcome to come to her home Christmas day. She said "I've cleared this with ALL the family members...if I felt I would be OK with that" which made me think.

 

I guessed the ex would be there. Why on earth would she want me to come up there so I replied to her "Well, I wanted to come see you and show you that physically and mentally I am fine. If I go to the house that "other" person may think I am still hung up on her and think I am trying to manipulate a reason to talk to her". She replied back "I ran it past her and she is OK with it". OK, well this is a good test of my own mettle. That if sticking to my own advice (such as my no contact rule) has done it's job. I wasn't going there to see her and I certainly expected her to be there with the fiance/husband (whatever he is) and I would just enjoy a good Christmas dinner and relax, mind my own business, etc (which is essentially what I did).

 

I drove there on Sunday and arrived a tad early (no traffic). I talked to her dad for about 10 minutes before she showed up. I didn't really acknowledge her other than a hello and continued talking to her dad (mostly about our mutual faith). At one point she said "Hey, tell me about your accident" and I said "Let's wait for your mom to have a few minutes and then I can tell you all at the same time". Well, her mom was busy most of the day and with family members pouring in we never had any time. For the entire time I was there we said maybe a few words to each other but I noticed that she would look over at me occasionally. I spent most of the time talking to her mom, her dad and her other family members. Really, I had a good time!

 

At one point I noticed something different. No boyfriend/fiance/husband and she was no longer wearing a ring. My guess was she either got married and divorced or never got married. Her mom is very secretive about her to me and me to her. She's very, very good at keeping private things private. I never knew that the relationship didn't work out but I didn't feel any vindication or relief for that matter. I was unusually calm and even keeled. I thought that being there would hurt but as the title says, time does heal all wounds (as well as sticking to the bad tasting, but good for you, medicinal advice).

 

When it was time for me to leave I talked to her father for a little while and then told her I was leaving (she wanted to say goodbye). We talked in the driveway for a little while (5-10 mins) with mostly general data. No talking about relationships, no private data, etc. I never asked about her fiance/husband, etc. We talked mostly about careers. When she did divulge what little private data she did I glossed over it.

 

The only odd thing she said to me was one of the last things she said: "When are you coming back to California?!" (She knows I live in VA but not exactly where and she knows that I moved there for my job and that NOVA is boring but I've found other ways to keep myself entertained an occupied).

 

My answer to her?? "I don't know..." and that was it. We hugged goodbye and I left. I think I even said "See you later" but not with any expectation of seeing her again and no promises. I don't live there anymore.

 

There was no vindication.

There were no tears.

There was no regret (what's done is done).

I did not leave "hoping" that we would reconcile.

I left happy and fine with the experience. Calm. Collected.

 

This is the girl that caused more pain in my life than all other trials in my life combined (exceeding my mother's passing and me nearly dying a few years ago). I did not leave thinking "Maybe we'll get back together" nor did I revel in her own failed relationship after me.

 

Do I love her? Sure, I always will. Do I want her back? No. That's a flat out no and the reason is simply this: "I don't trust a word she says." This is why the old adage "Don't believe what they say, believe what they DO" really comes into play. The best thing that came out of this is that I know I am completely healed and have moved on. I didn't think I was on the drive there but the drive home solidified that I am A-OK.

 

Lesson learned?!

1. Follow the NC advice here.

2. Don't chase that which does not want to be caught.

3. Don't hold out for reconciliation.

4. Don't fret over things you cannot control.

5. Move on with your life. Life has so much to offer if you clear your vision and be open to it.

6. Some day down the road you will see them again. Whether they married or not it doesn't matter. All that matters is how you are doing.

7. If they really wanted to be with you nothing on earth would stop them from getting to you. By their own actions, not their words. Words mean nothing without actions to back them up!

 

Once you follow the advice and get your life in order, I guarantee you someone better will come along. I have to say I've been approached more times than I can recall since I've been here in VA and when I meet the right one, I'll settle down.

 

In the meantime I'm going to enjoy everything that God has planned for me...and you should do the same :)

 

Cheers!

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Glad to see you're ok and everything is fine. Happy Holidays!

 

NOVA is kinda boring after 5pm and when there are no political drama going on. Mostly food and museums. Where you are is even more boring, a reliable car is required just to leave the drive way! :lmao:

 

Have a Happy New Year!

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Glad to see you're ok and everything is fine. Happy Holidays!

 

NOVA is kinda boring after 5pm and when there are no political drama going on. Mostly food and museums. Where you are is even more boring, a reliable car is required just to leave the drive way! :lmao:

 

Have a Happy New Year!

 

Hey Jer! Good to see you're around and doing ok. I'm fine, she's fine, life goes on. Too much on this earth is offered for one to waste their time on someone who doesn't see them as worthy of their time.

 

Cheers :)

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Indeed...

 

Your a good guy CG....

I wish you all the happiness in the world... wherever you may find it...

 

Thanks, Art. I'm happy and content with the way things are. Have been for some time. The oddest thing is that the less I look for a relationship the more aggressive women I run into. LOL!

 

Hope you're doing well my friend. I have some flying time on Saturday and going to enjoy the New Year. Hope you are as well!

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Really good story, CG. I have to be honest normally when I see a post as long as yours I dont take the time to read just esentially hit the "next" button...for some reason I took the time to read and its a good thing that you are healed and you did it thru NC. Im struggling with a recent break-up of over 3 years but this time I have that disconnect that I was desperate for during previous break-ups with her. I care for her immensley but so many red flags were thrown during the r/l and when you are emotionally tied to a person its hard to walk away. Congrats on where you are in your life and Godspeed on what is to come....its a wonderful faith-walk we enjoy with our God. Take Care.....

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Really good story, CG. I have to be honest normally when I see a post as long as yours I dont take the time to read just esentially hit the "next" button...for some reason I took the time to read and its a good thing that you are healed and you did it thru NC. Im struggling with a recent break-up of over 3 years but this time I have that disconnect that I was desperate for during previous break-ups with her. I care for her immensley but so many red flags were thrown during the r/l and when you are emotionally tied to a person its hard to walk away. Congrats on where you are in your life and Godspeed on what is to come....its a wonderful faith-walk we enjoy with our God. Take Care.....

 

Thanks and glad you read it. Read the NC link on my signature. I wrote it many years ago when I was struggling to get over this relationship. It helped me immensely and will do the same for others if we stick to it.

 

God is good :)

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Let me ask you a question, have you ever put yourself in her shoes and understood what she went through?

 

If you dont care, you dont go into this much detail, but you missed something with all your resentment towards her. I will be glad to point it out for you.

 

I am not bashing you at all, you were a legend back in the day when I started here, theres more to your story that you missed

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I am not bashing you at all, you were a legend back in the day when I started here, theres more to your story that you missed

 

How can you fault someone for being healed and happy ?

 

Hell.. forget the ex.. I know he is happy to be alive after almost losing his life in an almost tragic accident...

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He's not healed though. He's full of himself. He holds resentment towards her. He was a wall built up. He said I love her but I do not trust her.

 

I am going to post a fact. She left him because she was an IDIOT and made a mistake. She knows this, be her comment "when are you moving back out here" She was young. His ego took a huge hit and still is bruised because of it. My ex left me 7 months ago for the same reason his ex did. I was going to propose to her 3 weeks ago. But I know from life experience that this is a phase in life, she was young stupid and made a mistake.

 

This post is proof that he thinks hes larger then life now. Hes not healed, hes scarred. He never let go of the past. He created a nice long story about what happened and how he reacted towards someone he loves. He gave her the cold shoulder and then came here to brag about it.

 

How is this healed, its not! Its being scarred, if he was healed he would have talked to her and said damn we were idiots years ago, I had a lot of fun with you

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Let me ask you a question, have you ever put yourself in her shoes and understood what she went through?

 

If you dont care, you dont go into this much detail, but you missed something with all your resentment towards her. I will be glad to point it out for you.

 

I am not bashing you at all, you were a legend back in the day when I started here, theres more to your story that you missed

 

 

Who are you?? The Dr. Phil of Loveshack?? How dare you tell him how he feels and that there's more to his story that HE missed. You will be glad to point it out for him. Really dude?

 

Worry about yourself and stop trying to direct everybody on this site. I've noticed you do that a lot and its really annoying that you think you know it ALL.

 

The only way he can be healed is if he responds the way YOU think he should? Who are you to tell him how he's suppose to show HIS healing?

You're the one that's full of yourself.

Edited by sugarmomma
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see everyone looks at this story from the victim perspective. I cant believe someone hurt him/me like this.

 

God forbid someone says something with emotional intelligence behind it that goes against peoples' egoic mind. How dare me post something like this.

 

Does a breakup hurt, absolutely. My ex did the same thing his did, same thing. I still feel pain to this day. Homebrew's ex did the same thing to him.

 

Homebrew created one of the best posts here to explain this situation on this forum.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3081655&postcount=8

 

Now before you keep bashing me and saying youre an assclown try and read this post from a scared young 20 year old perspective. Put yourself in that persons shoes. Do you think they were scared to be in a committed relationship and they did not have the courage to end it. How many times have you been in a relationship and you just lost it but didnt know how to get out so you do something stupid.

 

I can show you a post just like this 15+ years where theres the cold shoulder and resentment. Thats not healing, its being scarred.

 

Ask a friend, if you ever had a friend that relationship jumped in their early 20s, ask her, if she lost that great guy because she made a mistake, I know of 4 girls that have told me it hurts to this day because they made that stupid mistake that my ex did and his ex did and this is 5+ years later

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Let me ask you a question, have you ever put yourself in her shoes and understood what she went through?

 

If you dont care, you dont go into this much detail, but you missed something with all your resentment towards her. I will be glad to point it out for you.

 

I am not bashing you at all, you were a legend back in the day when I started here, theres more to your story that you missed

 

Hmmm, not sure where you're judging the point of this post but let me clarify a few things:

 

I don't resent her. I’m no longer angry at her. I said that a few times in my post. She had a rough time too with the guy she left me for I am sure but it’d be stupid of me to ask her about it. I don't revel in her own failures but it's really hard to put myself in her shoes as I have NO IDEA what happened to her. She isn't volunteering any info nor is her family and I know better than to ask her. I know we were all young and we made mistakes. This post is simply to prove that you will all move on one day and live your lives without the one that hurt you. I had a great time spending Christmas with her family, with HER there and without stigma or dogmata from the past.

 

This is a good thing.

 

I'm not sure what part of the story you missed. Everything I stated in the VERY LONG post I made was exactly how it went. There's nothing that's been added to or taken away. Granted, I did hit my head and die in the hospital (briefly) so maybe my recollection isn't as good as it used to be, but that's what happened.

 

If you're asking why I don't treat her like she is broken and needs comfort from me you're very wrong. She has a huge supporting cast from her family.

 

Whether you believe what I have written or not is not MY problem but yours :)

 

How can you fault someone for being healed and happy ?

 

Hell.. forget the ex.. I know he is happy to be alive after almost losing his life in an almost tragic accident...

 

Absolutely, Art. Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

He's not healed though. He's full of himself. He holds resentment towards her. He was a wall built up. He said I love her but I do not trust her.

 

I am going to post a fact. She left him because she was an IDIOT and made a mistake. She knows this, be her comment "when are you moving back out here" She was young. His ego took a huge hit and still is bruised because of it. My ex left me 7 months ago for the same reason his ex did. I was going to propose to her 3 weeks ago. But I know from life experience that this is a phase in life, she was young stupid and made a mistake.

 

This post is proof that he thinks hes larger then life now. Hes not healed, hes scarred. He never let go of the past. He created a nice long story about what happened and how he reacted towards someone he loves. He gave her the cold shoulder and then came here to brag about it.

 

How is this healed, its not! Its being scarred, if he was healed he would have talked to her and said damn we were idiots years ago, I had a lot of fun with you

 

Are you sure, wilsonx? You need to go back several years to understand the entire story. Yes, it took me 4-5 years to be healed from this. I’m not wearing armor or have super thick skin. This breakup hurt me bad. The simple fact that I could go to her parent’s house WITH HER there, NOT knowing what her situation was is a pretty good indication that I am healed. I said several times I don’t resent her NOR do I revel in her own failures. What more do you want me to do?! What would YOU do in a similar situation? Everyone is different and we handle things differently so please, don’t assume you have all the answers to someone else’s problems or you know much more than you do – especially with my own feelings.

 

I didn’t give her the cold shoulder, either. If you read the comments I posted, I hugged her and said “see you later”. I didn’t give her the cold shoulder. She works differently than you know. She didn’t want or expect me to gush over her and that would have been the WRONG WRONG WRONG way to handle this type of situation.

 

Who are you?? The Dr. Phil of Loveshack?? How dare you tell him how he feels and that there's more to his story that HE missed. You will be glad to point it out for him. Really dude?

 

Worry about yourself and stop trying to direct everybody on this site. I've noticed you do that a lot and its really annoying that you think you know it ALL.

 

The only way he can be healed is if he responds the way YOU think he should? Who are you to tell him how he's suppose to show HIS healing?

You're the one that's full of yourself.

 

I imagine wilsonx himself is not healed and though our stories may have some similarities only time will tell if he heals completely enough to be able to face his ex and not harbor any anger or resentment -- nor press the ex to get back together. I did none of those things. I didn't press my ex for data. I didn't ask about her relationships since me. She's a private person, she would have told me any pertinent data if SHE wanted me to know – and she didn’t.

 

What I did was enjoy a good Christmas, in familiar surroundings and without heartbreak or pain. That’s progress in my eyes J

 

What works for me may or may not work for him. All I know is it took me years to get to this point and I’m happy that I was able to stand and talk to her without feeling sorry for myself or revel in her “post me” failure(s). That wasn’t what this was about. This was simply to prove to myself that I was over it and I proved it clearly.

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see everyone looks at this story from the victim perspective. I cant believe someone hurt him/me like this.

 

God forbid someone says something with emotional intelligence behind it that goes against peoples' egoic mind. How dare me post something like this.

 

Does a breakup hurt, absolutely. My ex did the same thing his did, same thing. I still feel pain to this day. Homebrew's ex did the same thing to him.

 

Homebrew created one of the best posts here to explain this situation on this forum.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3081655&postcount=8

 

Now before you keep bashing me and saying youre an assclown try and read this post from a scared young 20 year old perspective. Put yourself in that persons shoes. Do you think they were scared to be in a committed relationship and they did not have the courage to end it. How many times have you been in a relationship and you just lost it but didnt know how to get out so you do something stupid.

 

I can show you a post just like this 15+ years where theres the cold shoulder and resentment. Thats not healing, its being scarred.

 

Ask a friend, if you ever had a friend that relationship jumped in their early 20s, ask her, if she lost that great guy because she made a mistake, I know of 4 girls that have told me it hurts to this day because they made that stupid mistake that my ex did and his ex did and this is 5+ years later

 

 

Here's where you're off base. She was 27 when I met her, I was 35. She's 34 now, I am 42. We're not talking about two immature people in their early 20s.

 

She cheated on me while I flew home to bury my mom. Her NEW boyfriend (while she was living with me) would sneak over to my house to pick her up (and she'd sneak out).

 

She did some pretty mean things to me. She used me and took advantage of me in one of the worst times of my life (losing my mom).

 

I think before you continue to give you perspective that you do some homework/research on my threads about her before you say anything else.

 

The simple fact that I was invited to her family's house, that I went with no anger or resentment, that I did not revel in her own failed relationships should be a testament to HEALING. I was able to talk to her normally without prying into her life, without saying anything mean or negative to her and I talked to her like an old friend. I just did not ask personal questions.

 

This isn't about shoving anything in her face whatsoever. This was proof that I have gotten over it and that I am ok now.

 

Cheers.

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Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar Dr. Phil. Let it go ;)

"Never offer advise to one who isn't seeking it" oldguy-ism.

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  • I think from your post that you still love her,
  • you got invited by her mom bc her mom knows what's best for her daughter
  • you went over her house because of her,

relax, maybe there is a glimmer of hope for you 2 to be together again

 

Forgiving her is something you must do. And to be able to do that listen what Wilson has to say.

 

I think you did great at her home, that is your progress,

 

 

Cheers!

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  • I think from your post that you still love her,
  • you got invited by her mom bc her mom knows what's best for her daughter
  • you went over her house because of her,

relax, maybe there is a glimmer of hope for you 2 to be together again

 

Forgiving her is something you must do. And to be able to do that listen what Wilson has to say.

 

I think you did great at her home, that is your progress,

 

 

Cheers!

 

 

Just in reply:

 

Have I forgiven her? Yes.

Do I love her? Yes, I probably always will.

Am I IN love with her? No, I will never be able to trust her completely and the hill for her to climb to regain that trust is too much to ask of anyone.

 

Her mom and I have been close for years. I know she didn't want me or her alone for Christmas but there were no sparks or anything. I treated her like I treat any other friend. I was kind and nice to her without asking any personal questions.

 

And my answer to her question of when I was going to be back in CA was the only answer I knew: I don't know -- because I don't.

 

Thanks for the kind words!

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First off congrats on taking the right steps to heal yourself.. it obviously takes time and there is no way around it. I think you handled everything perfectly.

 

Secondly I can attest to how boring Ashburn, VA is because I live here. YAWN.

 

Third you blew me off on going riding over the summer.. I guess this is me breaking NC lol

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The oddest thing is that the less I look for a relationship the more aggressive women I run into. LOL!

 

Hope you're doing well my friend. I have some flying time on Saturday and going to enjoy the New Year. Hope you are as well!

 

hahah! that's because you're living in NOVA - - where the ratio of women to men is like 8:1. so single men are a viable commodity :)

 

all jokes aside - - thanks for the update and glad to hear you are doing well.

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hahah! that's because you're living in NOVA - - where the ratio of women to men is like 8:1. so single men are a viable commodity :)

 

all jokes aside - - thanks for the update and glad to hear you are doing well.

 

I'm not sure where you got that stat... if anything its the opposite.

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First off congrats on taking the right steps to heal yourself.. it obviously takes time and there is no way around it. I think you handled everything perfectly.

 

Secondly I can attest to how boring Ashburn, VA is because I live here. YAWN.

 

Third you blew me off on going riding over the summer.. I guess this is me breaking NC lol

 

a) Thank you. Time does heal all wounds.

b) Yes, Ashburn should be renamed Boringville.

c) Do I know you?! I did a ride over the summer with the DC group and we went to MD and spent the whole day riding. Were you in that group?!

 

Sorry, my memory is failing me!

 

 

hahah! that's because you're living in NOVA - - where the ratio of women to men is like 8:1. so single men are a viable commodity :)

 

all jokes aside - - thanks for the update and glad to hear you are doing well.

 

Yes I agree. I get hit on all the time but so far from no one who has sparked any interest from me. They're not bad people by any means, I am just not ready yet.

 

You're welcome! It took me 6-7 years to get over her. There was no doubt I loved her more than life itself but God's plans for us is always greater than our own :)

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Yes I agree. I get hit on all the time but so far from no one who has sparked any interest from me. They're not bad people by any means, I am just not ready yet.

 

You're welcome! It took me 6-7 years to get over her. There was no doubt I loved her more than life itself but God's plans for us is always greater than our own :)

 

well i must say - - your NC guide helped me quite a bit when i got dumped by my ex last year.

 

and it's helped me weather my frustration with the lack of dating opportunities in this area. it really is about focusing on - - and learning to be happy with yourself.

 

i've kind of given up on the notion that there's a plan out there for me. but that's ok. even though i still have my moments - - my self-esteem is much higher than it's been in recent years. which also goes a long way in the limited dating climate.

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  • I think from your post that you still love her,
  • you got invited by her mom bc her mom knows what's best for her daughter
  • you went over her house because of her,

relax, maybe there is a glimmer of hope for you 2 to be together again

 

Finally someone sees it, her mom set you up, for the rest of your life you will have this option. I can guarantee you she will never make that mistake again.

 

FYI its not about forgiveness, its about letting go of the past and living on the present

 

Now I'm exiting this thread because you don't see this, if you ever forgive her to the point of talking to her again and starting over, send me a pm and i will show you how to open that door. Good luck

Edited by wilsonx
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well i must say - - your NC guide helped me quite a bit when i got dumped by my ex last year.

 

and it's helped me weather my frustration with the lack of dating opportunities in this area. it really is about focusing on - - and learning to be happy with yourself.

 

i've kind of given up on the notion that there's a plan out there for me. but that's ok. even though i still have my moments - - my self-esteem is much higher than it's been in recent years. which also goes a long way in the limited dating climate.

 

There is a plan for you, but that is in God's hands. When we do not let go of control or try to take control of things we cannot is when we have issues with relationships and dating.

 

Glad the guide helped you. It did a lot for me as well.

 

Finally someone sees it, her mom set you up, for the rest of your life you will have this option. I can guarantee you she will never make that mistake again.

 

I'm not a betting guy but I think you're putting too much weight on this. Her mom didn't want either of us alone for Christmas but if she was trying to get us back together then she would have tried to get us to talk more. We didn't talk all day except for when I left and even then it was very non-chalant, how are you doing kind of things.

 

We've been apart for six years now. She's had other relationships after ne and an engagement. Has the thought occured to you that perhaps it's not the dumpee that is broken but the dumper?

 

Now I'm exiting this thread because you don't see this, if you ever forgive her to the point of talking to her again and starting over, send me a pm and i will show you how to open that door. Good luck

 

I've already forgiven her but that doesn't mean I am going to allow her to do the same thing to me again. Like I said, the DUMPER in this case is broken. She can't hold a relationship and if she can't do that with other people and has done it to me, what makes you think another go-around is going to fix a broken wheel?!

 

Can't fix the things that are outside of one's own control. All anyone can control is themselves. Period.

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what makes you think another go-around is going to fix a broken wheel?!

 

Can't fix the things that are outside of one's own control. All anyone can control is themselves. Period.

 

 

Truth be told told CG immitable is right about what her Mom thinks..

Her Mom loves you and thinks you are/were right for her daughter... but she also isn't going to interfere and put you guys together.

She is being genuine to you and her daughter.

Her Mom is also smart enough to know the things you mentioned about the broken wheel.. and that you can't fix the things outside of your control.

 

Good to see that you spent part of the holiday with people that love you and are really a part of your family

 

As far as any future with her... who knows what the future holds.. none of us do, and that doesn't mean you won't find the love of your life in NOVA either..

 

Take care.. Happy New Year...

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